Admittedly, his therapy is going quite well. He has made noticeable improvements over the past 6 months. I guess after 3 1/2 years I'm just a bit worn out. Each meltdown moves me slowly towards the leaving side. Today, due to a storm and a fallen tree, he had to wait an 1 hr and 1/2 for his car after finishing work. Very frustrating, I am sure I would have been miffed too. In that time, I received a torrent of critical texts about how useless the firefighters were and how he could do it soo much better. I tried a couple of times to validate his frustration but it only encouraged him to continue whinging so I stopped. I texted a message expressing happiness when his car was finally clear but I was really thinking how disregulated he would be when he got home.
My sons and I are rapidly losing patience with his lack of contribution at home and his focus on playing around on his computer instead of doing chores. It came up again today and I needed to say something to him before they did. Apparently waiting for his car gave him dispensation from everything and while admittedly it wasn't a good time to talk after his wait, there really is NEVER a good time. I am running thin on patience to be super accommodating about when is a good time to say things now.
He threw the dinner I made him in the trash with some mean insults about my cooking and stomped around the house doing basic chores he usually feels he is entitled not to do. I took the boys out for ice cream and told him to pull himself together by the time we got back or leave. He accused me of ostracizing him
He sent me an abusive text so I blocked him as is my stated position these days. I don't have to be subjected to that crap and I block his electronic means of doing it since he continues to try and send emails and texts with his paranoid crap. He pretty much stopped doing it in person after I called the police earlier in the year.
He has always decided to take off for hours with NC or sleep in his car in the driveway after one of these meltdowns. I used to chase around after him and plead and beg but now I don't bother. As soon as he leaves, I rest, have a bath, cook myself something delicious to eat, watch movies or favourite tv shows, sleep and just basically do what I like doing. I take a few days to have a rest and leave him outside until *I* feel ready to cope with *him* again. It used to be that I waited like a dog for his return accepting him on his terms. These times are getting longer and longer, maybe I'm getting more and more tired. He will either learn to behave better or we will end up spending longer and longer periods apart until we are apart longer than we are together and leaving him will be easy.
After he made a comment about not having to pretend he likes me in front of the children, I said he could sleep on the sofa and not bother coming back in the house tomorrow. I let him know I put the blocks in place again since his text was inappropriate. I'm going to make a homemade mushroom soup for dinner tomorrow and sleep the good nights sleep I get when he isn't here. He can wallow in his self pity and paranoia and I'm not going to lose one wink of sleep over it.
I wonder sometimes if I should put in more effort, and validate more, and work harder and if I am a bit mean considering he has this debilitating condition. I'm starting not to care terribly that he suffers after acting out and I wonder if that makes me a terrible person. In some ways, I really look forward to the rest.
