Should I, or How do I explain No Contact to the EX?

[babyducks]

Hi Everyone

My Ex and I broke up six months ago after a catastrophic argument.   I made the mistake of letting the frustration build in that final argument rather than walk away.  At the very end of the argument my Ex delivered one of those deadly cold brutally scathing comments that wounded me to the core.   In my pain and frustration I turned away from her and smashed my hand into a concrete wall breaking it badly.   Required surgery and 4 pins and a plate to put back together.

After that I wanted nothing to do with her, while she continued to act as if nothing happened.  We managed to separate possessions and exchange keys without much drama.  There was no conversation about what happened or why, for me it was just too painful and it felt very futile.   I suspect I just assumed that she would agree with No Contact.

Since that time she has been turning up in my life very regularly.   She walks for exercise in my neighborhood, by my house, almost every day weather permits.   She turns up at social events that she  previously had no interest in.   She joined my house of worship, where she once said she no desire to attend.  She has kept the text messages and email to a minimum but they occasionally pop up.   

Up until now I have been responding with a Civil but Disinterested tone.   Recently other events in my life have raised my stress level and now the contact between us is bugging the crap outta me.  As you would expect she isn't respecting any boundaries I put up and I don't have the ego strength right now to consistently enforce them.   I know consistency is key to dealing with her but I am failing to maintain the same Civil but Disinterested tone.

What do I do?   Do I try and explain, that I need No Contact for me?  Do I just go No Contact without an explanation?  Do I try and maintain Civil But Disinterested, even though its not working for me, hoping that time will modify the situation by itself?

Okay Wise and Smart Folks,... .HELP what do I do?

[strikeforce]

Go No Contact without an explanation.

I tried to explain to my BPD ex why I needed NC and she used that against me.

Remember she is disordered so trying to explain is pointless and will not have the desired effect.

[babyducks]

thanks strikeforce,

Even though we are broken up I (still) want to do the right thing for both of us.   

and with this f@#$ing disorder there is no right thing for the both of us.   

There is a right thing for me.

And there is a thing that will be all right with her for a minute or two, or until her moods change again and then it will be the wrong thing.

I am very reluctant to create a scene in a public place so I guess my fears of looking bad, have caused me to be overly polite and that has reinforced her semi stalking behavior.

[fromheeltoheal]

Bottom line is you gotta take care of you.

I once ended a relationship with a borderline and we worked together.  I did my best to enforce boundaries but it was hell; the biggest sigh of relief ever for me was the day she got fired.

As we know NC is a tool we use to detach, not a rule.  Some folks say low contact is actually better because it can be a training ground for boundary enforcement and doing what's right for us in the face of adversity.  I say whatever works.  You mention you've got some unrelated stress going on right now, and it's up to you to decide if you can handle that and boundary enforcement with the ex concurrently.  If you decide you need some space you don't owe her an explanation, you can say please do not contact me again, which is a polite command.  If she's modified her life to intentionally put herself in yours that's somewhat stalker behavior, and you need to decide if law enforcement needs to get involved.  You may not want to change houses of worship because of her, but that's an option.

As we also know there's an extinction burst that can happen with a borderline when you set new boundaries, and those wane with time, or she may meet someone new and disappear, or add that to the mix for added drama.  What if there's a reason everything happens?  To give us challenges that we're ready for even though it doesn't feel like it, and those challenges are there to serve us?

[heartandwhole]

babyducks,

I would firmly but politely ask her to stop contacting you.  No need to explain why, but if you feel better telling her that you won't be responding to any contact attempts by her, then so be it.  You know yourself and what you can handle right now.

That said,  I hope that someday you'll reach the point of not being "afraid" of public scenes and looking bad, and maybe that will be sooner if you simply let her know that you prefer not to hear from her or see her– taking back your power and living your life without the shadow of past pain.  I realize that she is showing up at places that you frequent, and there is nothing you can do about it, short of changing your lifestyle.  But at least you will have spoken your truth. I think that will help you even if she doesn't change her behavior.

This is really hard,  babyducks, I admire you for handling it so well.  I don't know what I would have done if I had had to see my pwBPD as regularly as you have.  But it's not working for you anymore, according to you.  So, instead of accommodating her behavior, maybe it's time to set a new boundary and follow through with action.

I know it's scary. You can do it.  

[maxen]

hi babyducks. that you are interested in doing the right thing under such circumstances speaks volumes.

imho, you could send an email declaring that you are going NC, and maybe even give a terse reason for it, but then you should really stick by it: don't respond if she responds, change your patterns (however annoying and unjust that is) to avoid her, and be ready with your reaction if you see her in public.

[Aw511]

I have tried to explain my need for no contact multiple times to my ex. at first he seemed completely receptive and respectful... .that is, until i actually didn't respond to him, then he got ANGRY. i guess he thought i was bluffing. i explain that being in contact him is preventing me from letting go and moving on and that it is extremely painful for me to keep talking to him. he doesn't get that. he only gets that he wants me in his life and can't understand why that's a problem. it's completely maddening... .he has moments where it seems like he gets it, but then he continues to text me stupid things that he would if we were dating like how he's having a rough day at work or whatever. its tough not to engage. if you're truly ready to let her go, i would just do it without an explanation, as whatever explanation you give, she probably won't understand or agree with anyway... .good luck

[alliance]

Ducks,

There is a lot of sage advice in these responses.

My concern in addressing this in any way with her is that you know you don't have the ego strength right now to maintain the boundaries. Considering her behavior, she has some inkling of that.

Pushing or ignoring boundaries is a big problem. Taking advantage of us when we are off our game is not unusual.

Doing the "right thing" is admirable. But, imo, it needs to be the right thing for you and you alone.

[frustrated b/f]

I'm approaching over 100 days N/C with my uBPD g/f. I never explained it, I just stop responding and replying, although unforeseen events has had me wanting to reach out lately.

Bottom line, you need this for you, not for her. Just stop responding, it will help, but for the meantime, you may want to alter your routine to avoid her.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi babyducks... . 

I think you'll just have to ignore her as best as possible especially with the other stresses you're dealing with. It's not easy. You'll have to get over the extinction burst hump, and hopefully that won't be too much on you. She will eventually get bored without positive reinforcement/attention.

Hang in there and have faith in yourself. Even when you don't, just make the effort to get through the day. You are stronger than you think. 

[ShadowDancer]

She does not just "pop up". You permit that door to remain open.

NO CONTACT means no contact no matter what she does or says. I am a believer that actions speak louder than mere words.

There are certain things you have to do to enforce your desires. The two most important. CHANGE YOUR E-MAIL AND TELEPHONE ADDRESSES!

Be "proactive".

[babyducks]

I once ended a relationship with a borderline and we worked together.  I did my best to enforce boundaries but it was hell; the biggest sigh of relief ever for me was the day she got fired.

Heal,

I can't even imagine working daily with an Ex.  I am having a hard enough time with mine being in my neighborhood two or three times a week.

Boundaries are hard for me to identify, enforcing them even more work.   

I do have other unrelated pressures right now,  work stuff and health stuff, so when she catches me off guard, I react more than I want to.   Last week I was walking from my house to the shop on the corner (grand total 4 blocks) and who do I see coming in the other direction.  No, she doesn't live in my neighborhood.  Caught me dead cold by surprise and I said Hi shouldn't you be a work?

I like what you said about low contact being a boundary enforcement opportunity.  Makes sense.   I get that.

 

thanks for the comments.

ducks

[babyducks]

That said,  I hope that someday you'll reach the point of not being "afraid" of public scenes and looking bad, and maybe that will be sooner if you simply let her know that you prefer not to hear from her or see her– taking back your power and living your life without the shadow of past pain.  I realize that she is showing up at places that you frequent, and there is nothing you can do about it, short of changing your lifestyle.  But at least you will have spoken your truth. I think that will help you even if she doesn't change her behavior.

Hey Heart-

HeeltoHeal got one of the big reasons that I found myself in this relationship (poor boundaries) and you got the other one, a skewed sense of self esteem. 

I am in public venues a lot. And my schedule is fairly easy to follow. And when she shows up there is always some thinly veiled reason,    which I don't usually believe.

But you are completely right I can find a way to appropriately say I prefer to not see you or speak with you and let the chips fly where they may.

Which is gonna take some practice. 

ducks

[babyducks]

My concern in addressing this in any way with her is that you know you don't have the ego strength right now to maintain the boundaries. Considering her behavior, she has some inkling of that.

Alliance,

I think you are right. 

And the other posters who said similar things.  Offering her any tidbit of explanation is another form of JADE and it could become fodder.

I don't owe her anything at this point.  I would like to keep the drama to a minimum.   Because that would be easier on me. 

ducks

[Bananas]

Hi Ducks,

I work with my ex.  In my opinion, I don't think it matters.  The boundary will most likely not be respected.  In my case, attempting to explain things made it worse.  My ex likes to be in control and he was not happy when I told him "let's make our communication work related only".  It's like telling a child not to do something they only want to do it more. 

I can not control him, I can only control myself. I wish I could give you an answer on what "works" but it took a lot of expirimenting on my part to find what worked for me and gave me the least amount of anxiety.  Ignoring him gave me just as much anxiety as trying to talk to him as things were normal. With thought I realized my anxiety came from my expectations of how I thought he should act.  Once I removed my expectations, things got much easier for me. 

Hope that makes sense and helps. 


 

[babyducks]

  Ignoring him gave me just as much anxiety as trying to talk to him as things were normal. With thought I realized my anxiety came from my expectations of how I thought he should act.  Once I removed my expectations, things got much easier for me. 

 Bananas,

Yeah that is it exactly.  Ignoring her gives me anxiety,  trying to talk to her as if things are normal gives me anxiety.

Can you explain a little more about how you removed your expectations please?

ducks

[Bananas]

  Ignoring him gave me just as much anxiety as trying to talk to him as things were normal. With thought I realized my anxiety came from my expectations of how I thought he should act.  Once I removed my expectations, things got much easier for me. 

 Bananas,

Yeah that is it exactly.  Ignoring her gives me anxiety,  trying to talk to her as if things are normal gives me anxiety.

Can you explain a little more about how you removed your expectations please?

ducks

I sure will try.  For me it came with really accepting that my ex is mentally ill.  I mean REALLY ACCEPTING IT.  I don't have a diagnosis so I am always looking for proof.  Being able to watch him at work objectively and having an opportunity to talk to another ex of his helped me with that.  Then my T gave me this idea to think of him like he is a little boy.  So I think of my 5 year old nephew and put the same expectations on to my ex.  Since the breakup, nothing my ex does when relating to me is on an adult level, NOTHING (so far anyway).  So I don't expect it.  Since I don't expect him to act like a normal, sane, adult person, I have yet to be disappointed in any of our interactions.

In fact, things have gotten easier.  Our bizarre interactions are just more proof that he is mentally ill.  This took a lot of practice for me.  I made some rules for myself to make things easier.  I want to be consistent in the way that I deal with him.  For me that is important.  So I always smile and say hello to him when I see him, but I do not go out of my way to.  Sometimes he says hello and sometimes he doesn't.  Sometimes he wants to talk to me like we are best friends and sometimes he doesn't.  Whatever.  I do keep things very superficial with him.  That is what works for me.  I am having a lot less anxiety. 

I guess it was me finally getting over that dream that "today was the day" he was going to "wake up" and give me some sort of truth, some sort of sincere apology and have some sort of accountability for his actions.  Just like I can't expect that behavior from my nephew, I can't expect it from him.  But I can finally let go and just let him be him without me taking it personally and bending myself into acting in a way I am not comfortable with.   

What is right for me may not be right for you.  Try to find where inside yourself the anxiety is coming from, ask yourself what is causing it.  It took me and my T awhile to figure it out.  That's the hard part.  I still have a ways to go but it is getting easier with each interaction.