BPD and learning disabilities

[HappyHeart]

Hi everyone,

I am not new here. I discovered this board after ending a 15 year relationship almost 2 years ago with a BPD. I have been in therapy ever since, the relationship was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive, and it felt to me like it ate my soul. Over time realized my (now deceased) father had many NPD/some B traits. Shed a huge light on my failed relationship.

I have a mentally handicapped /learning disabled brother. He has lived with my mother his entire 42 year life. He is very hard to handle and could never hold down a job. I accepted his "LD" label from early on and never questioned it- my parents took him to drs and universities as a baby /toddler and then he basically got shoved into the Chicago Public School system when he became old enough. I remember a dr wanting to put him on Riddlin (sp?) and my mom refused.

2 months ago he got fed up and moved to another state. Of couse, he could not do this without much assistance. He had such huge tantrums and screaming fits (not new) that my mother and cousin (and even me) got cajooled into helping him move. Now here's the surprise-- I am starting to see he is BPD. It's much easier to see now that he is 500 miles away, it's almost unmistakable.

I did not think an LD person could be BPD- pardon what might seem insulting- I don't mean that- but I just thought he was too mentally undeveloped to have a personality disorder. He cannot even read, or count past 20. He cannot drive a car and he can barely ride a bicycle- he has hit parked cars and pedestrians on a bike. He has almost gotten killed crossing the street.

He lives in a very small town now, and my cousin is the only family he has there to help him. The "new" people are not used to his inappropriate "tantrums"-- swearing, breaking things, and generally sulking about as if the world owes him. Thankfully he lives alone in a small house my mother bought him. My cousin checks in on him when his moods permit. She said that he has already punched a hole through a door there. I thought things would be much different when he was on his own- I thought he would be so happy. He caused damage to my mom's house, but I had no idea he would do that to his own home.

I'm finding myself in a very bad spot- it's like my cousin and I are coparenting an elephant with a bad temper. My mom is now homebound for health reasons and doesn't really want anything to do with the "bad" aspects of my brother. I'm not sure where to start. His dr. here had him on anti anxiety and anti depression meds (Xanax and Zoloft) and he still takes them- but I don't believe they ever worked. When I talked to his dr., he merely up'd the doses with no effect.

It's hard because he is 42 and short of a tranquilizer gun- won't be taken anywhere he doesn't want to go. Cousin is trying to find him a new dr. down there and then going to work up to a therapist - if he will go. I'm afraid he will get arrested or in some kind of legal trouble before that happens. His big mouth and bad temper are already reputable in a small town. My mom never reeled him in at all when he acted up while growing up and now he feels he can do whatever he wants.

any thoughts or pointers or general advice welcome... .I just don't know where to turn. Like I may have mentioned, I got out of BPD relationship before ever knowing what BPD was (figured it out much later) and same with my dad- he was dead when I pieced that together. So i know WHAT BPD is, just not how to deal with it. I was hoping to never see it rear its ugly ugly head again. 

thank you in advance.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, HappyHeart & welcome back 

I'm not sure of the prevalence of Learning Disabilities being co-morbid with a BPD diagnosis, but I can tell you from experience that my own dBPDs36 has ADD (also had Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Ideations & Substance Abuse) co-morbid with his BPD dx. One theory his Therapist, Psychiatrist & Neurofeedback Therapist agree on is: the undiagnosed (till age 21) ADD caused him so much emotional trauma during his school years and early adult years, that it likely contributed to the BPD and other dxes. I agree with that... .

I'm sorry for all the trauma your relationship with your brother is causing you; dealing with him has got to be frustrating and sad and confusing, and probably is something you may not have expected you would have to do. One thing that might help you figure out what to do about it is to read all the Links to the right-hand side of this page. I know you originally came to this site to deal with the aftermath of your relationship with your Ex-Husband; the reading materials you may have read on this site to help you with that would be a bit different in places than the Coping and Lessons links on this Board.

There is also some really helpful information at these links that could help you understand how to deal with your brother:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Radical Acceptance for family members

Have you read any books about how to deal with a BPD loved one? These are especially good for family members trying to make things better:

Essential Family Guide

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - Shari Manning, Ph.D

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - Valerie Porr

I know that this information is not specifically written for people with Learning Disabilities, but since your brother is showing the same symptoms and behaviors of someone with BPD, and those seem to be the issues that are most hurtful and frustrating for your family, I think the links above can help you. Let us know what you think of them, and keep posting your story and questions regarding your brother... .Please keep us updated, HappyHeart, so we can help you 

[HappyHeart]

Thank you so much for your reply! I will check out those links.

I've been thinking on what you said:

"One theory his Therapist, Psychiatrist & Neurofeedback Therapist agree on is: the undiagnosed (till age 21) ADD caused him so much emotional trauma during his school years and early adult years, that it likely contributed to the BPD and other dxes. I agree with that... ."

And I'm wondering if the same thing didn't happen to my brother. I've been really taking that in, because of course it must be so stressful (the ADD). I keep thinking on our childhood, and it's not like we had many other stressors that could have contributed to his BPD. But I guess what stresses one person, does not stress another!

My cousin was able to get him to agree to sign a Power of Attny on his health decisions, and so hopefully he will agree to get help... .it won't be easy. I'll keep updating here.

:D