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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Looking for support and insight. Maybe I'm doing this all wrong.  (Read 1438 times)
zsazsa

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« on: November 15, 2013, 07:11:28 AM »

Breaking away from my xuBPD

I have had an extremely difficult summer into fall.  My father has been sick and passed a month ago, my mother then fell and broke her shoulder,  I work, have a 2 year old dog,  I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

After my Dad died,  my xuBPD and I had contact,  I went to see him, we had a nice time, then the next night he is slamming me on the phone, it went on for 3 nights.

One of his major complaints was the fact that I had made plans with a friend from across the country,  she is coming for a week day after Christmas.  It was a major upset for him for the 3 nights of nasty converesations.  So now I am gay, because why would my female friend come all the way from across the country to spend NYE with me.   Something doesn't add up is what he said.  I don't know you was another one,  I don't know what you do on and on and on.  

We have been together on and off for five years, with a 2 year break.


He is also an alcoholic.  His behavior is a little better when he quits drinking but it always circles back to abusive.

I got an email from him this morning,  it is my birthday this week, he said in the email to disreguard the care he sent ,  I am assuming it is becuase I have not been calling him or engaging.

I am trying to be compassionate here,  and understanding that he has a lot of pain, but seeking help for this relationship is out of the question for him.

This is agony.  I do not want him in my life anymore ,  I am pretty numb to the attacks, I jsut feel very sad and concerned for him but I have virtually been trying to make this work for a very long time.
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MangoMadness

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 07:19:37 AM »

It really sounds like you know what you need to do. I can tell by this, how compassionate you are, how badly you want to help. But, you'll come to find out, no matter what you do--you can't. I was with my partner for about four years, all the while trying to help her, and she would frequently rub it in my face that I'd never be able to.

It hurt at the time, but she was right. At this point, they drag themselves down, and only they can change it. You can't, I can't, nobody can. They choose to surpass normal, healthy self pity and turn it into something so huge and awful that it will drag you down with it. And because of it, they insult us , tell us we're the imperfect ones. Why? Because they feel that our compassion is a weakness.

They view our normal ability to love as something to be envious of, so they try and make you hate yourself as much as they do themselves. Hang in there, we've all got your back. It's always up to you to make a decision, but I can see that you know what to do. Cutting off contact is hard at first, it is, it'll be difficult for a very long time. But you will get passed it, you will be loved as you deserve, and you will thank yourself for letting go of this toxic relationship.

If you need, you can PM me any time you need.
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zsazsa

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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 08:19:29 AM »

Mango, what a wonderful post from you.

I really appreciate,  this relationship has been recycled many times.

For some reason I have finally come to the realization that for my own sanity, it has to end.

No contact at times has felt cruel to me,  there have been long periods of no contact.

I guess at this point , with the most recent email about the birthday card, to which I responded ok, I see I have no desire to let him beat me up,  no desire to listen to the blaming, denial, stonewalling, stack of resentments, projecting crap.  I know I can't help him,  my desire to do so has dwindled down to  nothing,  my feelings are definately changing,  I guess I should block his emails, and then his phone number too,  and warn my family,  because if he cant reach me he will try to get to me through them,  my father was in the process of dying and he called my parents house repeatedly at 2 am.

I am done,  and I am sure I will get over feeling like I could help him get help, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Thanks so much for your reply Mango,  it is so helpful.
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frag1911
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 10:15:51 AM »

Zsazsa, my condolences on your father passing.  I hope it was peaceful for him and your family.

As Mango said, you've go this covered and know what to do to take care of yourself.  Just realize that his badgering and insults are his attempts to get you to respond at his level of mentality.  When did it become unacceptable to society that your friend is coming out to visit, no matter what the occasion is?  And it no longer matters if he feels that he knows you, or that things don't add up for him, because you don't want him in your life anyway. 

You are doing great and he is not your responsibility.  Time to heal and then move on.
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Learning_curve74
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2013, 11:00:55 AM »

Hi zsazsa, I'm so sorry to hear about your father passing away.  . Just dealing with that can be enough to turn a person's world upside down without other problems piling on as well.

You said you're done. Sometimes we have to pass through temporary difficult and painful times to get to what we really want. It is a very adult thing to choose to invest in yourself even though it may be painful.

Have you seen a counselor or therapist about your relationship? Sometimes they have great insight and can help you get what you really want. I know it's helped me tremendously. Please keep posting here whenever you feel the need, as the kind people her are always ready to listen and support each other. Hang in there, zsazsa. 
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zsazsa

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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2013, 05:40:33 PM »

Zsazsa, my condolences on your father passing.  I hope it was peaceful for him and your family.

As Mango said, you've go this covered and know what to do to take care of yourself.  Just realize that his badgering and insults are his attempts to get you to respond at his level of mentality.  When did it become unacceptable to society that your friend is coming out to visit, no matter what the occasion is?  And it no longer matters if he feels that he knows you, or that things don't add up for him, because you don't want him in your life anyway. 

You are doing great and he is not your responsibility.  Time to heal and then move on.

Thank you frag,  I  you taking the time to help me get centered. 
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zsazsa

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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2013, 05:41:41 PM »

Hi zsazsa, I'm so sorry to hear about your father passing away.  . Just dealing with that can be enough to turn a person's world upside down without other problems piling on as well.

You said you're done. Sometimes we have to pass through temporary difficult and painful times to get to what we really want. It is a very adult thing to choose to invest in yourself even though it may be painful.

Have you seen a counselor or therapist about your relationship? Sometimes they have great insight and can help you get what you really want. I know it's helped me tremendously. Please keep posting here whenever you feel the need, as the kind people her are always ready to listen and support each other. Hang in there, zsazsa. 

thanks so much ,  I do see a counselor,  she suggested I look for some peer support,  Smiling (click to insert in post)  so here I am.
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MangoMadness

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« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 08:48:04 PM »

Peer support is the best thing, especially here. You're lucky you have a good counselor! Mine were all threatening me so I wouldn't talk about my ex. I came here, and things have gotten much better. We're all here for you, whenever you need to vent or need advice--you're not alone, I promise.

Overall, it's up to you what to do. But you signing up here shows that you're ready to utilise the tools given, that you're ready for a change. Thats a very, very big step onto the path of happiness. You can do this, as stated above, we're all here for you.
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zsazsa

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2013, 07:16:51 PM »

thank you again Mango
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Learning_curve74
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2013, 02:42:27 AM »

I am trying to be compassionate here,  and understanding that he has a lot of pain, but seeking help for this relationship is out of the question for him.

Isn't is also possible to say that sometimes the most compassionate thing is to not help or soothe, but to let him stand or fall on his own? Don't people usually learn more from their failures than from their successes?

I've said this about my exBPDgf a number of times: I think she has to hit rock bottom before she will truly look to help herself. If there is always someone there to catch her or cushion her fall, then that will never happen. And I finally decided that it's more compassionate to both myself and her to get out of the way and let her fall.
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zsazsa

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Posts: 29



« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2013, 08:14:50 PM »

I am trying to be compassionate here,  and understanding that he has a lot of pain, but seeking help for this relationship is out of the question for him.

Isn't is also possible to say that sometimes the most compassionate thing is to not help or soothe, but to let him stand or fall on his own? Don't people usually learn more from their failures than from their successes?

I've said this about my exBPDgf a number of times: I think she has to hit rock bottom before she will truly look to help herself. If there is always someone there to catch her or cushion her fall, then that will never happen. And I finally decided that it's more compassionate to both myself and her to get out of the way and let her fall.

Yes, absolutely and I actually am having some peace about that today. Smiling (click to insert in post)  My hurt is just as important as his this time
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