My difficulties with Enmeshment

[connect]

Hi guys,

I have been thinking about enmeshment recently. I do feel as though I am enmeshed with my BPDbf and am struggling with it still.

I think the reasons I am feeling like this are:

1) The unsettled nature of the r/s makes me grab it when I can and hang on for dear life.

2) When we are not together he sometimes does things without me that "p" me off.

3) My anxiety levels have increased this past 10 months from all the too-ing and fro-ing (in the r/s and external factors relating to the r/s) Being with my bf when he is in a good place helps alleviate my stress.

4) Having left a stable long term r/s for my boyfriend I want it to work.

So there's my reasons. I am not massively proud of them but after some soul searching I think they are the main causes of my enmeshment. I know they are not good reasons and I know that enmeshment is not good either. Seem to be a bit stuck. Do you guys think these are reasons why you are/have been enmeshed? What things do you think keep you/have kept you enmeshed?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sometimes trying too hard creates desperate reactive behavior which fuels a lot of the behavior.

Recognizing this is the first step. Being able to counter reactionary behavior is one of the abilities of being a non. If you stop and imagine what life would be like if you could see this behavior in yourself and being completely incapable of doing anything about it, that is the world of a pwBPD. You can see how hopelessness sets in, and blocking reality becomes a natural defence

[connect]

Thanks Waverider 

Yes - good point. I can see my behaviour and analyise it which hopefully will lead me to improve myself. But for a pwBPD that must be a lot harder. Very compassionate post...

Strangely enough I had to practise on this subject a bit tonight after I posted. Had a great night last night with my bf where he turned to me and said how happy he was and was very affectionate. So today I think a part of me was expecting a push! We had dinner together tonight and although he was trying I could see his mind was "processing" things (not necessarily to do with me) After dinner I asked if he would like some space this evening and time alone. As lots of you know needing Space is a big factor with my SO. Also I could feel my own tension developing as I know how the push can go and would rather not be around it. He thanked me repeatedly for spotting it and said he did want some time alone and so I went back to my place. He then suggested we go to the cinema at the weekend (A plan! )

So I know this may seem like a small thing but for me it was quite a different thing to do. Spot the push beginning and leave before it develops into something larger. I was still expected to do some mind reading here but it's a start at better communication without him just repressing it all and both of us ending up upset. As it was it was completely fine - he was not dysregulating and I imagine felt validated.

This felt like me facing my enmeshment stuff too - and I am actually ok about it. So wierd writing this stuff when in past r/s's this has never been an issue like this for me.

[waverider]

Just as plans are often made and then don't go through to action, often plans are actioned then the desire to see it through to the end wanes. At this point a pwBPD feels pressured, you get frustrated, you want completion to the plan. They flip and blame you, the day is ruined.

Better to sense their interest/enthusiasm waning and just let it slip away quietly before you head off into dysregulation.

[izzitme]

I struggle with enmeshment to some extent but I am dealing with my own issues of feeling possessive and jealous.  Is this part of your struggle as well?  This developed in me as an only child that was the center of everybody's world and then they had my sister when I was 9.  My BF finds it difficult to be consistent too and there is no making any kind of definitive plans with him unless it is me helping him with errands or chores at his place- self centered stuff.  For the past 2 years I interpreted this as a rejection or lack of committment to me on his part, but now I'm learning he really isn't capable of consistency.  We could have a fabulous night and then the next day there is always some ailment, a crisis at work, fight with his ex wife... .something that keeps him from continuing the intimacy.  I guess having compassion is freeing when we can come to grips that they can't help themselves.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Connect,

My struggles with enmeshment started long before this particular person came into my life; he just kinda blew the whole concept wide open.  I was enmeshed with my family, friends and previous boyfriends.  Thought it was perfectly normal and acceptable.

I lacked my own sense of self and was a people pleaser extraordinaire!  Only, I wasn't all that good at it and felt frustrated in those relationships, too.

I'm happy for you that he's made tentative plans to go to the cinema!  And hope that he follows through   If he doesn't, do you have a plan of your own?

[connect]

Izzitme - Yes like you I also get triggered by jealousy. I have always been prone to it at the beginning of a r/s but never to this extent. My bf has not helped by his actions around other women which have driven me nuts. He says that I am controlling and jealous when truth be told most women would be *p*ed off at some of the things he has done - not just me.

We could have a fabulous night and then the next day there is always some ailment, a crisis at work, fight with his ex wife... .something that keeps him from continuing the intimacy

I relate to this ^^^ in fact as you can see from one of my other posts, him declaring he was happy one night led me to prepare for the push back from him the next day. Quite a pattern - at least I can prepare for it now I know it. What about you?

Phoebe - thank you - It's good to read about your experiences of it too. I think that my BPDbf is also blowing the whole concept wide open for me too. This is the gift they give us. To be honest, atm I feel as though I have been completely dismantled and am trying to rebuild myself again. Hopefully stronger. Not feeling so strong the last few days though and have had to take small amounts of medication for anxiety. We aren't rowing or falling out or anything but my anxiety is increasing and sleep is elusive. Not sure what that's about? I am linking it to me being back in my flat and having to face a few facts around this concerning my bf.

The cinema plan I also hope will come to fruition - I heard him last night asking his friends if they wanted to get together this weekend. mmmm... .If he doesnt go then I will go with someone else.  Feeling a bit low about my bf and cant put my finger on why. Resentment is rearing it's head perhaps. Well sorry to be a negative nancy - really need to shake this off! Am meeting an old friend for a coffee in a bit so that might help!

My CBT therapist advised me to read "Eat, pray, love" and I have just started it. Wow - that has an amazing description of enmeshment in it!

[connect]

Here is the quote from the book "Eat Pray Love". This is what I can relate to - this is how I have loved - urgh



Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it’s always been.


That is pretty powerful stuff I think!

[waverider]

Here is the quote from the book "Eat Pray Love". This is what I can relate to - this is how I have loved - urgh



Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it’s always been.


That is pretty powerful stuff I think!

Not a huge step away from BPD idealization, which is what makes us vulnerable. If you are capable of giving this then idealization by a pwBPD is quite believable.

[izzitme]

Connect, thank you for the quote from the book.  It sounds a but like me too.  I am so giving and my bf is so selfish with his time yet demanding when he is ready to do something.  This has brought up feelings of rejection for me and questioning if I was really that special to him.  Then I get all mad and he reacts the next time I see him.  I think I'll post asking for people's advice cuz we are crashing into a push and I need support.  How do you keep your boundaries because it sounds like you go through the same thing.  As for the jealousy, I'm so relieved that I am not the only one that struggles.  I hope your plans come together with him this weekend but I am glad that you are making alternate plans.  keep us posted.

[an0ught]

Hi Connect,

3) My anxiety levels have increased this past 10 months from all the too-ing and fro-ing (in the r/s and external factors relating to the r/s) Being with my bf when he is in a good place helps alleviate my stress.

Fear activates the attachment system... .

so your raising anxiety levels may be a factor. What are you doing about your anxiety?

[connect]

Only have a little bit of time now so will post a longer one tomorrow - just wanted to answer this from anOught

Fear activates the attachment system... .

so your raising anxiety levels may be a factor. What are you doing about your anxiety?

Well I take very small amounts of anti-anxiety meds when needed (only about once a week), have got my housing situation resolved, a new job paying more money lined up and try to "talk" to my anxiety when it arises - see what it wants, acknowledge it. Also I am starting meditation classes tomorrow and may do a mindfullness course in the new year. Try to keep away from my bf when he starts dysregulating.

Izzitme - I hope that you do start a thread - will answer you soon! x