Haven't been here in awhile, mom contacting me again, and need some advice.

[donniesgrrl]

SO I haven't been on in awhile, needed to take some time and reevaluate some things.  In that time, I have been very good about my boundaries and deciding what I will and won't accept in our lives as a family.

Long Story short, My Moms best friends Daughter passed away about a month ago, same age as me, and since then she has started to contact me again.  I have responded to text messages because that really has been the only contact, but today after I texted to say Happy Birthday, she messaged back, thank you, and would love to hear how you and the baby are doing, call me sometime? right away all my alarms went off.  I know it is perfectly innocent, but I am afraid to open that door yet.  I feel like it is a short path back to where we were and I will not go back there.  I told her maybe later in the week, and I plan to call when the kids are still up, and my H is off for the night so I can keep it short and use them in order to get off the phone if need be.

I don't want to not talk to her, mostly because going no contact was never my intention, she chose to do that when I told her that I could no longer emotionally care for her and that the dynamics of our relationship had to change if we were to go forward.  She also wanted to have a big long sit down about all the wrongs I did her and TBH I was not going to let that happen, it was and will be emotionally damaging to me and send me into a backslide.

I guess I just need some encouragement, words of advice, sage wisdom from those of you who have opened the door back up.

[Bonus mom]

My advice, don't open the door.

Alarm bells are going off for a reason.  I don't know how many push-pull cycles you've been through with your mother, but as a daughter who has been through some 25 years of cycles with her mom, I can assure you that unless she has changed, nothing will change.

It is not pessimistic to view situations with our mom's in this way, it is just reality.  They suffer from a disorder which prevents them from having normal healthy relationships with us.  There's no need for you to place yourself in an emotionally dangerous situation - please don't feel guilty about wanting to protect yourself!

You could always just ride it out and not do anything (sometimes they just go away) or you could send her a card with pics of your kids and a VERY short note on what's new (like you'd send to a distant relative) or you could have your husband help your kids call her, and go out for a coffee for yourself during the call (the beauty is, he doesn't need to speak to her either, he can just say "time to say bye!" and the kids usually just hang up themselves)... .Just some thoughts!

Lots of hugs to you from one who's been there!

[Up In the Air]

Hi donniesgrrl - my DH and I have just recently been in a similar situation, though my BPD MIL did not contact us directly. After an email was sent from DH to his parents, and MIL replied, my alarm bells went off too.

Mainly, it was the lack of acknowledging that there had been a rift, a problem, and that what we were angry about (which she assumes has nothing to do with her) is petty. There's the lie of pretending. The whole 'just get over your fake anger and let's let this family be normal again'. BPD-land. We, of course, decided to go back to NC/VLC (just cards for now) as it's clear she's not willing to change yet.

As Bonus mom said - the cycles - the happy routine they pull to ensnare us then punish or guilt or manipulate or whatever the reaction of the moment is - it's just not worth it, in my mind. I like the idea of a card with a few pictures inside. Perhaps if you decide to speak to her you can be upfront and ask if she's thought about changing. That way it cuts out any BS and you'll know if you want to put more effort in seeing if her actions match with her words.

Do you have stipulations to reconstructing the relationship again, for example, that she must go to therapy with you or agree to certain terms of communication or the handling of blame?

[Alwaysgrowing]

Hey. I've been NC with my mom for 7 years but have "cracked" that door open a few times in the hopes that things would be different. BIG MISTAKE. Just be very careful. They are very good at baiting you.

[GeekyGirl]

You have to be realistic with your expectations about your mother, but at the same time, there might be a happy medium, as Up In the Air and Bonus mom said.

I don't want to not talk to her, mostly because going no contact was never my intention, she chose to do that when I told her that I could no longer emotionally care for her and that the dynamics of our relationship had to change if we were to go forward.  She also wanted to have a big long sit down about all the wrongs I did her and TBH I was not going to let that happen, it was and will be emotionally damaging to me and send me into a backslide.

You can talk to her and should if you want to, but be prepared with some strong boundaries to protect yourself. You can, as Bonus mom suggested, limit the time with her, meet in public, and set some ground rules around what you are willing to discuss.

I'd take a more proactive approach and say something to the effect of, "Mom, I'm sorry that we haven't been able to work things out in the past, but  we need to work things out so we don't hurt each other in the future." Using SET, you could set those boundaries and go from there.

What have you decided to do?

[Bonus mom]

Oops... .I've been misquoted, Geekygirl!

You can talk to her and should if you want to, but be prepared with some strong boundaries to protect yourself. You can, as Bonus mom suggested, limit the time with her, meet in public, and set some ground rules around what you are willing to discuss.

Actually, I said I WOULDN'T open that door at all.

I'm still all for protecting yourself above all else.

Hugs!

[GeekyGirl]

Oops... .sorry about that, Bonus mom.

That said, I'm in agreement that we need to do what we need to do to protect ourselves. 

[enough abuse]

I agree with the other who have stated "big mistake" to open the door.  I totally understand wanting to... .I want to open that door everyday and over the course of 12 years opened the door back up 4 different times and you guessed it... .each time the door needed to be shut was more and more dramatic... .sleepless nights, the heartache all over again and taking my time and energy away from my children and husband.  Borderlines are all or none.  I'm sorry... .it is so hard... .exp when you think about the good times that did exist in your relationship.

[P.F.Change]

I don't want to not talk to her, mostly because going no contact was never my intention, she chose to do that when I told her that I could no longer emotionally care for her and that the dynamics of our relationship had to change if we were to go forward. 

Hi, donniesgrrl.

First of all, I am sorry to hear your mother's friend lost her daughter. Was she someone you were close to growing up? If so, I am sorry for your loss as well.

It sounds like NC was not your original plan and that your mother is the one who initiated it; I also hear you saying you would like some kind of contact with her but feel anxious about what might happen and would like to hear from others who have experience with resuming contact.

I chose to have NC with my parents. I was already worn out and there was a straw that broke my camel's back, so to speak. I do not regret it; it gave me space to feel safe and peaceful, and I used that time to do a lot of work on me. The workshops here were very helpful. The one on Radical Acceptance for Family Members in particular helped me change my perspective.After about a year, I started seriously contemplating whether I would want to resume contact, and after about two years, I decided I was ready. I knew they had been sticking with therapy, for one thing, and that I am able to take care of my boundaries. I can always go back to NC if I need to. I have spoken to my enDad a couple of times, but not my mother yet. I think if I were to run into her I would feel neutral about it, but I have no real desire to speak to her or see her.

I think you need to do what feels best to you. If you want to have LC with your mother, there are definitely ways to make that work. You can decide how often you want to talk or write her. I think your idea of choosing a time that is comfortable for you is a good one. It will be important to know where your boundaries are and to pay attention to the "alarm bells" you are noticing. When I get a message or call from my parents or sister (who have all been known to be "boundary-busters" in the past), I typically wait at least 24 hours before I decide to respond, 48 if the message seems emotionally charged, either positively or negatively. This is a helpful strategy for me because 1) I make sure I truly want contact and am not responding impulsively or out of obligation, and 2) if they are wanting to use me to dump their current emotion, 2 days gives them time to deal with it on their own and be in a different mood when I speak to them. When I do talk to them, I use S.E.T. and Medium Chill a lot.

Is there anything else you are thinking about? Please let us know if there is something more specific we can help with. It sounds like you have a good sense of your boundaries and would be able to handle whatever comes up.

Wishing you peace,

PF