Am i breaking NC?

[DownandOut]

Since the b/u, I've been NC for about 90 days now and haven't spoken a word to my uBPDexgf. However, since then she's rubbed my face in her rebound starting a week after we b/u, the r/s was probably going on since before we broke up. As a result, I blocked her on all social media, but I still feel like she's been subtly getting at me by her "liking" patterns. I know I shouldn't know what she's liking and what she isn't but I do because I've been what I'l describe as conscious of it. A member of her family would 'like' all my pics, but suddenly she stopped following me. Now my ex's sisters and nieces occasionally still like my pics and it always brings up emotions but I'm usually pretty okay with it. Recently, her niece received a distinction at school and she posted it and I liked it because, honestly, I really loved the kid like family and I enjoy seeing her do well. My question for you guys would be, am I breaking NC and holding up my healing by doing this? By this I mean staying abreast of what is going on in her family?

I'll note that I have no idea what's going on with her.

[stormcrow]

This is a really hard question to answer and is subjective to probably each and every one of us.  But, in my opinion, I would say a tentative 'yes' to it keeping you from healing.  Is it breaking NC?  No.  I don't see it in that way at all.  But, I think when we keep ties to our exes in ANY way we are doing ourselves a disservice.  I feel the door has to be SLAMMED shut and unfortunately that entails losing contact with or keeping tabs on anyone closely tied to our exes.  Others may disagree. 

Honestly, I have read a lot of your posts and you are a very smart person.  In many ways your posts have helped me with self-realizations.  So I truly believe you know what is best for you and already know your answer.  I hope others will mirror that answer within you and not make you have self-doubt.  I hope I am one of those people.

[fromheeltoheal]

My question for you guys would be, am I breaking NC and holding up my healing by doing this? By this I mean staying abreast of what is going on in her family?

Like storm said you know the answer.  The way I look at it, it's about power.  I gave my borderline all my power, I'm embarrassed to admit, but I was doing my best at the time, and more accurately she took it all, although I let her.  So detachment has been a process of taking my power back, finding my mojo again.  I closed my entire Facebook account and started a new one, because I had to get every possible hook out of me, and any lingering crap would have stalled my detachment.  But it's up to you.  NC is a tool, not a rule, and nothing to get hung up on, just remember when it sucked enough to end the relationship; if you were going to go 180 degrees from there, what would it look like?

[DownandOut]

This is a really hard question to answer and is subjective to probably each and every one of us.  But, in my opinion, I would say a tentative 'yes' to it keeping you from healing.  Is it breaking NC?  No.  I don't see it in that way at all.  But, I think when we keep ties to our exes in ANY way we are doing ourselves a disservice.  I feel the door has to be SLAMMED shut and unfortunately that entails losing contact with or keeping tabs on anyone closely tied to our exes.  Others may disagree. 

Honestly, I have read a lot of your posts and you are a very smart person.  In many ways your posts have helped me with self-realizations.  So I truly believe you know what is best for you and already know your answer.  I hope others will mirror that answer within you and not make you have self-doubt.  I hope I am one of those people.

I appreciate that and I'm really happy that I'm able to help you in some way, it's a big reason why I post as much as I can on these boards. The blocking of the family just seems so petty to me, I would have never blocked her if it wasnt for her posting numerous pics just trying to hurt me and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction anymore. If it wasn't for that I would've went on with my life and not cared about what she posted... I've done it before. Truthfully, I want to continue to support her niece because I really thought she was a good kid and would be my niece one day. Maybe that's the problem though, maybe in some way I still have that idealization in my head. I'm doing well now, but I guess one day I'm going to have to forget that well never be friends, let alone family.

[RecycledNoMore]

Maybe she see's your " interest" in her family members as you " leaving the door open" , to some form of contact from her in the future... .

I agree, if your guna close the door, slam it.Otherwise your leaving yourself open to re engagement.

[DownandOut]

The problem that I have with this whole thing is accepting the fact that I must now forget about a whole group of people (her family and friends) all because of the actions of this one individual. Granted, I wouldn't have known these people if it wasn't for her, but they became part of my life once she did. Now that it's over, I have to pretend that they were never a part of my life. I know what's worked for most as far as detaching is concerned because I've read many of your stories here; however, I think for me I need to detach and accept without erasing all of it from my life. No, I don't want to know who her new b/f is or if she has the same one she replaced me with or if she's getting married or whatever else is going on in her life, but I do want to be able to accept it if I were to ever find out. As far as her family is concerned, I want to know how they're doing because I truly care. I wish I could be the one to attend her sister's wedding because her sister is a great person that I really liked. I want to be able to see these things, be happy for them and not have a strong emotional response related to my ex. These people will all always be a small part of my life and it's difficult to just forget about them. I'm very nostalgic and that is an aspect of my personality that makes this whole thing even more difficult for me.

[stormcrow]

The problem that I have with this whole thing is accepting the fact that I must now forget about a whole group of people (her family and friends) all because of the actions of this one individual. Granted, I wouldn't have known these people if it wasn't for her, but they became part of my life once she did. Now that it's over, I have to pretend that they were never a part of my life. I know what's worked for most as far as detaching is concerned because I've read many of your stories here; however, I think for me I need to detach and accept without erasing all of it from my life. No, I don't want to know who her new b/f is or if she has the same one she replaced me with or if she's getting married or whatever else is going on in her life, but I do want to be able to accept it if I were to ever find out. As far as her family is concerned, I want to know how they're doing because I truly care. I wish I could be the one to attend her sister's wedding because her sister is a great person that I really liked. I want to be able to see these things, be happy for them and not have a strong emotional response related to my ex. These people will all always be a small part of my life and it's difficult to just forget about them. I'm very nostalgic and that is an aspect of my personality that makes this whole thing even more difficult for me.

I completely understand where you are coming from.  My uexBPDgf's family are great people.  Her parents accepted me as one of their own and I even asked her father's permission before proposing marriage.  Her little brother is a great kid who has the same sense of humor as I do and we used to share many a laugh over text.  But, the kicker, and hardest of them all, is the fact that I raised her daughter from 6 months old until age 2.  Her real father committed suicide when she was a few months old so I am truly the only 'dad' she has ever had.  I fully accepted her as my own daughter and very much still see her this way.  But none of these relationships can exist with any full caring or potential as she is tied to them.  I understand your predicament and your attachments to her family... .but, they all come as a package deal.  Maybe you should ask yourself the question I had to ask myself when making the hard decision - can she use your relationship with them to hurt you in any way, shape, or form?  If the answer is 'yes', then you need to do yourself the favor of cutting your losses now. 

[DownandOut]

The problem that I have with this whole thing is accepting the fact that I must now forget about a whole group of people (her family and friends) all because of the actions of this one individual. Granted, I wouldn't have known these people if it wasn't for her, but they became part of my life once she did. Now that it's over, I have to pretend that they were never a part of my life. I know what's worked for most as far as detaching is concerned because I've read many of your stories here; however, I think for me I need to detach and accept without erasing all of it from my life. No, I don't want to know who her new b/f is or if she has the same one she replaced me with or if she's getting married or whatever else is going on in her life, but I do want to be able to accept it if I were to ever find out. As far as her family is concerned, I want to know how they're doing because I truly care. I wish I could be the one to attend her sister's wedding because her sister is a great person that I really liked. I want to be able to see these things, be happy for them and not have a strong emotional response related to my ex. These people will all always be a small part of my life and it's difficult to just forget about them. I'm very nostalgic and that is an aspect of my personality that makes this whole thing even more difficult for me.

I completely understand where you are coming from.  My uexBPDgf's family are great people.  Her parents accepted me as one of their own and I even asked her father's permission before proposing marriage.  Her little brother is a great kid who has the same sense of humor as I do and we used to share many a laugh over text.  But, the kicker, and hardest of them all, is the fact that I raised her daughter from 6 months old until age 2.  Her real father committed suicide when she was a few months old so I am truly the only 'dad' she has ever had.  I fully accepted her as my own daughter and very much still see her this way.  But none of these relationships can exist with any full caring or potential as she is tied to them.  I understand your predicament and your attachments to her family... .but, they all come as a package deal.  Maybe you should ask yourself the question I had to ask myself when making the hard decision - can she use your relationship with them to hurt you in any way, shape, or form?  If the answer is 'yes', then you need to do yourself the favor of cutting your losses now. 

I'm honestly not sure yet, but I'm working on it.