I hope I am writing in the proper board.
My BPDex left for college. Having done my research on BPDs, I briefly told her that she could have her freedom when she went to college, but she continued to tell me and others that she wanted to stay with me. Her FIRST week of school, she called me to tell me that she made out with some guy and that she didn't want to do it (haha).
I didn't care. Obviously I expected it not to happen so fast, but I did expect it to happen so I was totally fine with it. At this point, I perceived the relationship as friends because her actions were unacceptable. She calls me a the next day and hints that she wants to talk about something more important.
Expecting what would happen next, she told me she had sex with this guy. So I asked her what she wanted me to say. She told me she wanted me to care. This was a What the heck moment and she was purposefully trying to mess with me. I was disgusted by her actions and let her know. I took it too far and said some very hurtful things in the heat of the moment, knowing that she had crossed the line and the trust that we had both worked very hard to have. It was the final straw. I only took it far because she wanted me to react that way. It was perverse.
After I took the apology route (yep I went there) our conversations became weird and we steadily miscommunication. After a response I received on one of these boards yesterday, I realized I am now probably a trigger to her, which sucks. I said some mean things, although mostly truthful, and I wonder how she takes those. It ended on a terrible note. I don't want her to commit suicide. And even though I know it's over, I wish I didn't become a trigger for her.
This is the right board, Smartalec, for working out detaching emotionally (or in reality) from your X.
Mine has been cheating, everything but sex (I kind of believe that, knowing her... .she doesn't define a "boyfriend" unless it's sealed with sex, and never was "easy" that I could tell). But he's still her boyfriend, and I tell her that. The other night, I actually saw his number come up on her phone. This precipitated a long conversation where I was like, "What the heck?" Get. Out. Of. My. House.
I liken it to one huge BPD "tantrum" to get my attention. Sorry, but you lost me. It's not MY job to win YOU back after what YOU did! I did try to work it out for a month, but I felt her attachment was too strong. I half apologized for "making" her feel abandoned. But you know what?
She did cross the line, as did yours even
more. And to tell you what she did is unbelievably cruel. Even crueler to state that she wanted a reaction out of you, probably to "prove" that you love and care about her.
I say "BS". As my T said, they try to justify the unjustifiable. I've told mine, and I am glad I am finally to this point, that our relationship and its dysfunction is something that we will work out on our own. It is not possible to work it out between us as a kind of closure.
The cheating is a separate thing. I told her the other night that if she actually read up on the psychology of cheating and cheaters, it has everything to do with the cheater and ultimately,
nothing to do with us.
Your reaction is completely justified, and you don't need to apologize or beat yourself up for anything. You are no longer her Caretaker (which on the other side means, "punching bag" or the slow red-headed step-child kept in the attic, fed gruel and brackish water possibly given a little pat on the head every other Christmas by its parents). She is responsible for herself. I fear some kind of severe depressive episode, possibly suicide ideation from mine as well. And that sux because we have kids. I hope it doesn't happen, REALLY, but I am not responsible for this. I am responsible for me, and my children.
