The horrors of Christmas

[sophiegirl]

just wondering how you cope with Christmas with BPD mother? The dramas here started about a month ago... In the past we have done what we wanted to do and she come with us only to sulk. Her style of Christmas is sitting quietly around a turkey being miserable (same as any sunday lunch with her) . She lives adjoining us as I am her caregiver so I can't really exclude her. This year my SIL and husbands niece are coming and we want to make it really special, but I know I will feel really embarrassed by her behaviour. I have no ggod memories of Christmas as a kid, I always dreaded Christmas as an adult until one year my mother went off on holiday and I spent it with friends and we had a brilliant time!

I could waffle on - just venting!

[StarStruck]

Hi sophiegirl... .O blimey don't ... .your title sums it up!

Honestly the stress it puts on just thinking you have to go along with the facade.

I feel for you that she's next door as difficult to make your excuses.

I have gone as far as saying "I don't do christmas anymore" in general, so I don't have to go to hers.

It's drastic but for me it needs drastic measures. It's like  'o it's christmas time... .let's pretend we are the cereal packet family' Weird, weird, mega weird... .

I used to DREAD it! because it was a hammed up version of the usual dread when I think I have to see her. Such a complex set of emotions to deal with. Love, hate combo, where you end up worse.

So I don't see her at all at christmas... .the first year was hideous because I felt guilty but once that boundary went in, I have loved it ever since... .took a few years to get this happy/good though. Year on year kept getting better.

The first year I went for the line, well I'm not religious and the commercialism is sicking. As you can imagine this didn't go down well AT ALL. Best thing I ever did though.

I should say my mom dad aren't together.

Happy f'in christmas mom... .sori it just brings it out in you doesn't it :/

[Bonus mom]

Oh yes, such a treat our moms!

Do you think you're strong enough to only invite her for a specific time?  I spend a limited amount of time with my mom (last year none at all - it was the best!) and I make sure there is something to do before and after our time together so we can't drag it out.

I would invite her only for the meal, say from 4-6 for example, and then at 6 you and the rest of the family get up and go out - anywhere - for an hour. To a service, to a friend's, to see Christmas lights, whatever.  Then come back and enjoy the rest of your Christmas without mom.  You'll have the day to yourselves, only have her there for a meal, and then can enjoy your night.

We are brainwashed into thinking we are bad people if we exclude parents or children who are the cause of such turmoil in our lives. I no longer subscribe to this train of thought. It is selfish on the part of those who have never lived with BPD (and I have a mom and step daughter with BPD) to judge us for protecting our well-being.

Best of luck, you CAN have a better Christmas!

[StarStruck]

Forgot to say... .Good Luck sophiegirl ! great advice by Bonus mom. Those are the type of boundaries you could start thinking about.


Bonus mom I think your 'tag line' (profile bit at bottom of message) is Great  

[Breathing new air]

Funny this was the topic I was thinking of today. I just talked to my mom last night and got hemmed into Thanksgiving with her.  Basically even though there are 3 other sisters. I am the one that got the honor. All the others have plans. Some how in my family, this is excepted from them but not me. So mom is joining us for lunch. I am making it. I am excited because I have made it so that time is limited.  I have plans with another family at a certain time. So boundaries are going up. I have the left over FOG to deal with. If I don't invite her she will be alone on Thanksgiving, and as she pointed out, Her birthday.

I have not even gotten to considering Christmas. At this point, I would like to skip it all.  I am only feeling resentful. I know this is the anger and the newer emotions of going through dealing with all of this. But really, at this time, I want to walk away. But as someone pointed out somewhere it is easier to continue to do some catering. Rather than deal with the other.

So as far as Christmas goes I am still in the dread it stage. I find myself being elusive because I do not have the energy to fight the battle this one would be.  It is one of the illusions my FOO holds to tightest. Even though it really has been even more horrible since dad died.  Sometimes I wish she would just find someone else to turn her eye at and forget about us. Because I know she will eventually. Mainly because my family is the farthest from falling into what she thinks we should be like. And she cannot manipulate it. So she makes us all miserable spending time with us. Including herself.

[GeekyGirl]

Christmas (and many other holidays) can bring on some strong feelings and unique challenges--many of us will find this time of the year difficult.

In the past we have done what we wanted to do and she come with us only to sulk. Her style of Christmas is sitting quietly around a turkey being miserable (same as any sunday lunch with her) .

Here's my take: if someone wants to be miserable, let him/her be miserable. You can't change that. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on your feelings and what you can influence. Some people (like your mother and in many situations, my mother) cannot enjoy social situations.  You're also not responsible for her behavior, so you don't need to explain her behavior to your husband's family.

Do you think you're strong enough to only invite her for a specific time?  I spend a limited amount of time with my mom (last year none at all - it was the best!) and I make sure there is something to do before and after our time together so we can't drag it out.

That's good advice, Bonus mom. Spending Christmas together doesn't have to be an all-day event.  sophiegirl, I'm with ya--a peaceful and special Christmas sounds lovely. What can you do to let go of the pressure you're feeling and enjoy the day?

[MammaMia]

Oh yeah... .here we go.  The HOLIDAYS.

Years of dealing with this issue has taught me to just let everyone do their own thing.  My dBPDs chooses not to participate in the holidays.  It is too stressful.   This used to make me feel terrible, but not anymore. The family respects his choices.  Forced participation makes him miserable and misery is contagious.

On the other hand, his sister and her family are HUGE holiday enthusiasts.

I try to keep a happy medium.  It is what it is.

[sophiegirl]

thankyou for your ideas everyone. I am probably worrying out of proportion, in the past I have apologised for her sour miserable behaviour and said I hope she hasn't spoilt the moment but most people don't really care, I just feel wounded and embarassed because she is my mother. They probably don't realise its not one off behaviour but a way of life for her. She asks most days what the plans for Christmas are as they seem to be so important to her, yet she'll say on the day that she hopes she'll 'never have another Christmas this awful' its definitely a no win situation. so maybe you're right, I should work out an itinery and let her know what 'hours' she should be present for. I would love to be reckless and spontaneous, maybe I can program that in for myself somewhere! going for a walk after eating is a good idea as that's definitely not something she'd like to do with us. and then of course theres the horrific New Year celebrations to face... .