ah ha moment - so that's what this board is for...

[allibaba]

Over the last few weeks, I have really become true to myself in my relationship (being able to firmly uphold boundaries regarding behavior in our house, being able to speak my truth regardless of what kind of mood that my husband is in, etc, etc)... .and have experienced the most bizarre result (to me).

I am no longer completely distracted by my husband and the smoke is clearing and its very clear to me that I have used this relationship to avoid my own issues for many years.

So I finally have a new therapist (one who is more interested in me than my husband's alphabet soup of issues).  My first visit was only about giving her background, we haven't gotten into anything yet.  But I'm really excited about seeing a therapist for me (not about my husband at all) and the following things are bubbling up in my head:

1.  Need to come to terms with the guilt over what happened to my alcoholic father (my roles, and responsibilities there and learn to forgive myself)

2.  My inability to be comfortable in my own skin comes out in a lot of ways in my daily life.  A few that I have noticed are as follows:

*  tendency to grab a drink of alcohol and the first sign of conflict - let me be clear my drinking is no where near alcoholic but the behavior is not healthy

*  eating too much sugar - generally eating crap

*  constantly being on my mobile checking messages (i.e. keeping busy)

*  calling people non-stop on the way to and from work (blue tooth - I have an hour drive)

*  not being present in the moment with loved ones, my son, my husband, mother, father etc.

*  poor money management skills - tendency to overspend and over commit myself personally and financially

*  general tendency to procrastinate/ lack of organization

*  lack of commitment to anything but my job and family

*  lack of consistency - being on time, housework etc

For the last few days, I am really focusing on feeling my own discomfort and anxiety in each moment (since I'm not distracted as much with my husband) and embracing it.  Acknowledging it for what it is and not trying to run away from it - or stuff that hole with sugar, a drink, busyness for the sake of being busy.  The first day of doing this, I had night sweats all night (I believe from sugar withdrawals).  I haven't drank since the weekend... .not that this is a big deal and not that I plan on being sober... .but I want to drink for fun with friends... .not to escape.  And I have started with some small things like packing my lunch for work everyday instead of going out.  I'm sure that a lot of people started doing this in their 20's but here I am in my mid-30's realizing that I really need to learn a few lessons.

My next appt with the therapist is on Monday but for the first time in MANY MANY MANY years, I see hope in my life that I may be able to become the person that I want to be.  I don't want to completely change things in a few days.  I want to embrace the journey and start small but really feel the reality of my life and what its become and really feel the need to change it and then allow change to happen organically without being forced.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Seashells]

2.  My inability to be comfortable in my own skin comes out in a lot of ways in my daily life.  A few that I have noticed are as follows:

*  tendency to grab a drink of alcohol and the first sign of conflict - let me be clear my drinking is no where near alcoholic but the behavior is not healthy

*  eating too much sugar - generally eating crap

*  constantly being on my mobile checking messages (i.e. keeping busy)

*  calling people non-stop on the way to and from work (blue tooth - I have an hour drive)

*  not being present in the moment with loved ones, my son, my husband, mother, father etc.

*  poor money management skills - tendency to overspend and over commit myself personally and financially

*  general tendency to procrastinate/ lack of organization

*  lack of commitment to anything but my job and family

*  lack of consistency - being on time, housework etc

Hello?  Seashells is that you? 

I could have written this myself almost to the exact letter. 

You my friend are not alone. 

I'm not yet going to a therapist myself, perhaps I should.   I am working on myself focusing on these things and seeing them.  Trying to pick apart what's behind them in many ways.

I'm avoidant, there is no doubt about it.  Only when I'm feeling overwhelmed and or depressed though.  When things are going well and I feel good about me I can be pretty outgoing.

So, I've started working on things I was avoiding, taking care of my health (at least better care) and undoing a lot of damage to my personal finances and business caused by just burying my head in the sand and not wanting to deal with life in general.

This is also where I struggle with not allowing myself to get too bogged down with the BPD drama because riding the roller coaster is not healthy for me. 

Right now I need to put on my own oxygen mask and get myself where I need to be before I try to focus on being anything for him. 

[allibaba]

Hello?  Seashells is that you? 

I could have written this myself almost to the exact letter. 

You my friend are not alone. 

I'm not yet going to a therapist myself, perhaps I should.   I am working on myself focusing on these things and seeing them.  Trying to pick apart what's behind them in many ways.

I'm avoidant, there is no doubt about it.  Only when I'm feeling overwhelmed and or depressed though.  When things are going well and I feel good about me I can be pretty outgoing.

So, I've started working on things I was avoiding, taking care of my health (at least better care) and undoing a lot of damage to my personal finances and business caused by just burying my head in the sand and not wanting to deal with life in general.

This is also where I struggle with not allowing myself to get too bogged down with the BPD drama because riding the roller coaster is not healthy for me. 

Right now I need to put on my own oxygen mask and get myself where I need to be before I try to focus on being anything for him. 

I guess that just like the BPDs in our life who borrow from the same script... .we as nons do too!  PHEW

I had to remind myself of the mindfulness of embracing the fear and the anxiety just now over the last hour because my husband (not working, minimal income when he does) just randomly withdrew $2,000 from our personal line of credit.  I put him on it because I wanted him to feel 'a part of' our finances but now clearly I recognize that that was a mistake.  He's only got a few more $1,000 to run up before its maxed out and I am just going to let him do it.  Then allow him to feel the pain of having no money. 

I can only because at the root of it all I am in charge of our finances and he only has access to minimal resources without my consent.

The whole thing is still nerve racking when it happens though.

[froggy]

Your not alone. I started working on the same list last year

Quit drinking and lost 50lbs. Now to work on tbe depression and the avoidance issues. Get the the house under control (it's starting to reflect what's going on in my head)

First time in my life I'm trying to focus on me.

[allibaba]

Quit drinking and lost 50lbs.

Awesome froggy!

[allibaba]

I had to remind myself of the mindfulness of embracing the fear and the anxiety just now over the last hour because my husband (not working, minimal income when he does) just randomly withdrew $2,000 from our personal line of credit.  I put him on it because I wanted him to feel 'a part of' our finances but now clearly I recognize that that was a mistake.  He's only got a few more $1,000 to run up before its maxed out and I am just going to let him do it.  Then allow him to feel the pain of having no money. 

My husband just called me from a pub to check in.  He says that he is tired/ angry and doesn't feel good (that's what happens when he eats gluten) but I keep pushing it back on him that he has a choice and he's choosing to eat stuff that he knows that he can't eat.  I'm sure that they money that he withdrew will be returned to me in a couple of days (that's his usual MO - remove money to try to trigger me - it worked but I didn't respond so he didn't know that).

He also admitted to me what is really bothering him (the fact that he had agreed to do a construction job that's way below him for a few weeks)... .he's a highly skilled professional paralyzed by fear.

Anyway its just reinforcement for me that I am on the right path.

[momtara]

Yes you are.

I think you are a person who functions through anxiety.  You  might not know what to do if there wasn't conflict you needed to stay on top of, and people/things to take care of.  I share that feeling.  Of course, it's part of codependency.

[waverider]

You have found enthusiasm in discovering you, and are looking forward to exploiting the potential you know you have within you.

Even while you may have been living under a cloud the sun has still been shining outside and the roses are still growing. Now you know its up to you to go out and smell them, and you are looking forward to the experience.

Learning to deal effectively with BPD teaches us our own worth

I am in this mode to.