The husband who is happy when his wife is happy and sad when wife is depressed is an example of enmeshment. This is also referred to as co-dependence.
This symbolizes one of the greatest challenges in my recovery. You see, even if hammering into my brain that I should be the sole source of my happiness (which, in all reality I was, prior to this relationship disaster - even to the level of being labeled quite egocentric), I cannot understand on what level is having empathy and simpathy for your primary partner wrong?
My ex was happy when I was sad. Or maybe not happy but definitely validated. Right or wrong?
So what is the "correct" answer to the situation when wife is sad?
- feel positive reactive emotion and be equal to borderline?
- feel indifferent, but where is warmth in that?
- "do the right thing" and share in sadness?
There is so much conflicting information on this issue
I'm going to take a shot at answering this, as it's an area where a light bulb went on for me and I'm still realizing it and keeping myself in check quite often.
It's important to be able to empathize with them and be supportive without necessarily carrying the emotions and the feelings within yourself for the other person.
Let's say something happens to a couple, they lose a mutual friend. They are both certainly going to feel loss and be sad. Right? It's a loss to them both.
Let's say something tragic happens to the close acquaintance of one spouse the other has barely if ever met. (a college or university friend, or childhood friend perhaps). Anyway the point is only one of them is very close to the person. Are both people going to carry the same grief because one does? Or is one spouse going to grieve while the other is empathetic (understanding) and supportive, but not actually grieving someone they didn't know.
Does this make sense? It's having a healthy sense of empathy without taking on the emotions of the other person as if it happened to you as well.
You can insert any emotion from any circumstance, anger, sadness and I suppose to some degree even joy or elation. (although that doesn't seem so bad to share
)
It's one thing to sense the emotion in another and respond appropriately and try to be empathetic and validating. It's entirely another to take on those same emotions and be "feeling them" yourself and allowing it to make you sad, depressed etc. Of course you're not happy to see bad things happen, or see your partner unhappy, and it doesn't make you feel good about it. Yet you're not taking their emotions on yourself either.
That's my interpretation of the difference at any rate.
I can relate this to one of my parents. Every morning my mom reads terrible headlines in the news. On occasion it will really upset her emotionally. She will go on to me about how awful it is and how angry it makes her (to read whatever it was). I try to empathize with her upset, and be supportive, yet I'm not going to get upset about it myself and take on those emotions with her. (I wish sometimes she'd quit reading the news )
Make sense?
