The Other Woman Wants to be My Friend---Was my Friend... or maybe not?

[Pretty Woman]

I am so confused.  My ex broke up with me and within days is with my replacement... .a mutual friend in my meetup group.

I confronted this woman and she insists they are "just friends" and that she hasn't been to her house even though her car was there in overnight parking.

Yeah I stalked a bit, gut instinct.

I told this woman last Sunday even if she is just a f' buddy of my ex given the timing I question her moral character and have no desire to be her friend. She asked why I am putting HER in the middle of this and she likes everybody.

Could this woman be more f'd up than my ex? A PERFECT match psychologically, I tell you.

She stopped texting me after that but I know from mutual friends she and my ex are actively hanging out and lying to people about it (getting caught in the lies). My ex went from, "we should see other people but stay friends---"you are my BEST friend" to raging at me when I questioned the break up and blocked me on FB and by phone.

This is such a sick situation. The only thing I can reason is the woman is not openly gay, comes from a very conservative farm family and is dating a pilot (not a great relationship). Maybe she doesn't want people to know or is unsure.

This woman is losing her job the day before Thanksgiving. I can only imagine the stress and then a month or so later and argument with my ex.

Mazel Tov!

I have no idea what to think of this. Why the hell would the other woman want to be my friend. Is it keep your enemy closer? She knows my ex is notorious for returning to exes?

While I am not 100% sure I am 99.5% sure especially since the last time I was replaced my ex cut me off and said "forget the friends part, we are too different and my life is better without you".

I get nasty heart palpitations just thinking about it.

Thoughts? God, I could really use some insight. Has anyone on here had this happen. I mean my ex is so absent it is like she is a ghost but this chick keeps checking in on me to see how I am doing. Guilt? I mean she threw me a birthday party days after the break up.

Ugh.

[Ironmanrises]

I am so confused.  My ex broke up with me and within days is with my replacement... .a mutual friend in my meetup group.

I confronted this woman and she insists they are "just friends" and that she hasn't been to her house even though her car was there in overnight parking.

Yeah I stalked a bit, gut instinct.

I told this woman last Sunday even if she is just a f' buddy of my ex given the timing I question her moral character and have no desire to be her friend. She asked why I am putting HER in the middle of this and she likes everybody.

Could this woman be more f'd up than my ex? A PERFECT match psychologically, I tell you.

She stopped texting me after that but I know from mutual friends she and my ex are actively hanging out and lying to people about it (getting caught in the lies). My ex went from, "we should see other people but stay friends---"you are my BEST friend" to raging at me when I questioned the break up and blocked me on FB and by phone.

This is such a sick situation. The only thing I can reason is the woman is not openly gay, comes from a very conservative farm family and is dating a pilot (not a great relationship). Maybe she doesn't want people to know or is unsure.

This woman is losing her job the day before Thanksgiving. I can only imagine the stress and then a month or so later and argument with my ex.

Mazel Tov!

I have no idea what to think of this. Why the hell would the other woman want to be my friend. Is it keep your enemy closer? She knows my ex is notorious for returning to exes?

While I am not 100% sure I am 99.5% sure especially since the last time I was replaced my ex cut me off and said "forget the friends part, we are too different and my life is better without you".

I get nasty heart palpitations just thinking about it.

Thoughts? God, I could really use some insight. Has anyone on here had this happen. I mean my ex is so absent it is like she is a ghost but this chick keeps checking in on me to see how I am doing. Guilt? I mean she threw me a birthday party days after the break up.

Ugh.

That is your answer right there.

[Pretty Woman]

Ironmanfalls

Confused? So I am prob right as in guilt?

[ShadowDancer]

You don't sound like a person whom is "leaving and detaching" from this relationship. While I can understand your hurt over your recent breakup I don't agree with your fanning the fire methods or the drama you create by stalking or making assumptions about anybodies motives and actions other than your own. Just WHO exactly are you to be confronting and taking the personal inventory of anyone who has nothing to do with your issues. If your "ex" is dating this new woman that is none of your business. Perhaps you should be minding your own side of the street.

[Pretty Woman]

I agree Shadowdancer. My therapist said the same thing.

I want control over something I have no control over.

I should add this was my first lesbian relationship so that makes it even harder.

I did delete and block this woman today from my Facebook though. If I am going to truly move on I can't be looking to see what she is doing and with who. Not healthy for me and as you said, it really isn't none of my business.

Thanks for the "tough love"!

[ShadowDancer]

 

There is another issue I want you to think about. In my world (music) I come into contact with many different people of various flavors and colors. It is a beautiful and at times a crazy rainbow.

In the realm of Personality Disorders one of the main criteria is a defused unclear sense of "self" identity. An unclear or shifting sense of the sexual self is quite common.

What I have observed is that same gender relationships have a much higher degree of the crazy element. It is my "observation" and not a prejudice, that perhaps there is a higher percentage of the "disordered" within this population.  

[Turkish]

The other woman sounds mentally disordered, too, in addition to having the moral rectitude of a lightening bolt. She also betrayed you, and continues to do so by lying.

[ShadowDancer]

The other woman sounds mentally disordered, too, in addition to having the moral rectitude of a lightening bolt. She also betrayed you, and continues to do so by lying.

I have to disagree. No one was "betrayed" as there is no ownership or commitment here. It is a disordered person doing the classic bouncing and triangulations they are famous for, to great effect I confidently add.  

The new woman is as much a victim and a causality as EarthAngel. The degree of her collateral damage will in many ways hinge on the decisions and actions of EarthAngel henceforth.

In this is a great gift of opportunity. The ability to do good in the world by doing the next "right thing". As hard as that may be.

[GlennT]

Water seeks it's own level. Your ultimate goal, is to become the mountain rising up out of that water, unaffected by it all.

[willtimeheal]

I haven't posted in a while but your post reminded me of me a little.  When my ex broke up with me she replaced me quickly. In fact she replaced me before she broke up with me. If this chick is seeing or dating your ex you need to stay away. In fact if she is connected to your ex you need to.stay away. You job right now is to heal and take care of yourself. You don't need the drama or the heartache. Detaching is brutal and as long as you have any link to your ex it will stall your progress and keep you from moving forward.

By the way... .I stalked at the beginning of my break up too. I thought I was going crazy. These boards and the people here really helped. It takes time and patience to survive a break up with a BPD. So hang in there.

[boatman]

Earth Angel-

Did your friend know her new gf is your ex? If she did I can easily understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Traumatized]

Earth Angel, I've read quite a few of your posts and we seem to be reacting in a similar way to being dumped.  NOT GOOD!  I know this is so hard to deal with.  We're both in so much pain.

I would be careful about saying ANYTHING to your mutual "friend" because it can get back to your ex.  Being stuck in the middle the "friend" has likely been manipulated to pick a side... .and let me give you a hint, it's not yours!  She's probably a mole.  One of my mutual "friends" set me up last week on the phone and I'm 99% sure my ex was either listening in or was immediately told what I said.  I walked right into the trap and took the bait.  It only made things worse.  BE CAREFUL!

[starshine]

Earth Angel, one of the most painful parts of my process of healing from my relationship with a n/BPD was realizing that many people who I thought were friends were really nothing of the sort.  I pulled back from everyone, only trusting those I had known for MANY years, and only those that "sided" with me by not interacting with him and my replacement.  I was replaced after 4 days with a woman I had thought was my friend for 14 years.  Boy was I wrong- about soo many things.  I still live with a lot of pain in my heart from this, but I do know that my life has had  whole lot less drama since I went NC with the mess of them.   

[Lady31]

Earth Angel,

If I am remembering your previous posts correctly, this woman was at your ex's overnight while telling you she wasn't - and you SAW her car there.

Where is the confusion?  Did you see this or not?  It is quite clear she is a liar.  Why are you even considering being friends with her? 

The only confusion is swirling around what LEVEL or type of relationship she now has with you ex.  That is a different topic all together.

Should you have anything to do with her?  I would say HECK NO.  Why would you be friends with someone who lies to you like that?  Very clear cut imo.  Also, I would not engage with her or respond to her.

You do not have to defend or explain your personal choices to someone like this who lies to you.  You owe her nothing, and she deserves nothing.

[Pretty Woman]

Shadowdancer: Yes, I agree this is a gift. I am the only one who can allow myself to be triangulated.  In this situation, the more I thought about it, being in contact with either of them is triangulating me in some way. I refused friendship with my ex because I knew I would end up her backup. That is when she cut me off completely. But the new girl is trying to keep me "attached" to them in some sick way. This is why I unfriended and blocked her and told her I was done.

I have not heard from her since.

I also have to say your insight into the sexuality part is very interesting. My ex was married and pregnant twice by the men in her life. One child she put up for adoption (thank God he is not in this situation) and the other she aborted after an argument.

Red flags galore.

She has also been in a poly relationship with a husband and wife.  Sometimes I wonder if she is even gay. She has a soft butch look to her but I do wonder if this is part of her disorder (identity). I am not saying being gay is a disorder, especially since I date women but I have to say it did cross my mind and I appreciate you bringing it up as it validated my thoughts.

Boatman: The new woman in my ex's life is a mutual friend (well was) from the meetup group I run. A year ago my ex mentioned she thought she liked her. About a month ago my ex mentioned if we were not together she (the girl) would probably be all over her.

So I am not at all surprised by this. The last time my ex left me she cut me off completely for her ex in Minnesota. Long distance wasn't going to fly and she was back within a month.

My ex constantly would mention how attractive she (herself) is in the gay community. I just look at it like it is a power play to make me jealous. She is painfully insecure. I see this now.  This woman she is dating actually took me out for my birthday after the breakup and was calling to check in on me up until I put the kabosh on that Sunday via text. Minutes later this woman texted a friend of mine she has met once a winky face

What the heck?

While she was AT my ex house she asked me on the phone if I "would take her back if she came back to me". I thought that was odd being she was WITH my ex.

A week later she denies this and said she was never at her house.

I feel like something even sicker is happening and they are making me look nuts. I was parked next to this woman's car on the phone with her so she is a moron if she thinks I am that stupid.

Point blank I AM THE ONLY ONE PUTTING MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION. I need to step out of it and I am.

[babyducks]

. In fact if she is connected to your ex you need to.stay away. You job right now is to heal and take care of yourself. You don't need the drama or the heartache. Detaching is brutal and as long as you have any link to your ex it will stall your progress and keep you from moving forward.

I like what WillTimeHeal wrote.

[Pretty Woman]

Me too, Baby Ducks.

I think the hardest part of all this for me was if anything was REAL. I mean a week ago she broke up with me saying we should see other people. I knew there was someone lined up and I had a problem "letting go". Not even four days before that she kept saying, ":)o you have any idea how much I am in love with you?"

Then a bad weekend (I was depressed over something in my life) and she dumps me. She said my friendship was "irreplaceable" and that she loved me very much and would be there for me.

The second I questioned the breakup I was a stalker and she blocked me from everything.

How can I believe I was ever loved. Should it really matter to me?

[babyducks]

Earth Angel,

Do you believe your Ex has a serious mental disorder?

The actions of someone with a mental illness do not make sense.   They appear illogical, baffling and upsetting.

How does replaying the details of the breakup help you right now? 

What would help you today?

ducks

[Pretty Woman]

I am having trouble detaching. I am still waiting for her to show up but she has blocked me out completely and hasn't done this before.

I am so conditioned to her coming back. It is hard to move on.

[ShadowDancer]

"Conditioned" is the operative word here. I'm glad you see and said this.

Conditioned, groomed, seduced, brain washed, gas lit ect. ect. are all the tools in trade of the predator and the victim.

Remember the word used. "Conditioned". Once you settle and work on your condition/conditioning you will have a clearer understanding of theirs.  

[willtimeheal]

Earth angel,

The hardest part for me was trying to answer the questions.  Did she ever love me?  Was any of it really to her?  Why did she tell me one minute I was the love of her life and then a minute later replace me?  It took me a long time to learn that I was trying to understand and apply logic to a very disturbed way of thinking. Our rational minds can't even begin to make sense out of something so irrational. When I finally accepted that I would never have the answers and it had nothing to do with me... .That was when I was able to let go and start moving forward. I would slide backwards... .a lot and I still do. But the focus is on me and my needs and health. And that is where you need to concentrate. During my break up I found out who my true friends were and during this you will too.  Keep the focus where it needs to be... .on you. Don't let anything or one distract you.

[Traumatized]

I am having trouble detaching. I am still waiting for her to show up but she has blocked me out completely and hasn't done this before.

I am so conditioned to her coming back. It is hard to move on.

Same here.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks for all the kind words.

I went out last night with friends and for the first time there was a calmness and contentment. I was truly happy.

Many of you made comments that I need to realize I am not dealing with something rational. That is the hard part. Even our arguments left me so baffled and confused.

I am a writer. I like to think I am pretty good with words. I can also communicate well with others. I started thinking, what the heck is wrong with me? Why can I not communicate with her like everyone else? I seriously thought I was going crazy.

An example (I called her on my way home from work):

Me: Gotta run, meeting someone.

Her: Who?

Me: K.

Her: Where are you?

Me: Bar Louie

Her: (exasperated) Great. That is where I wanted to go.

Me: There are plenty of bars in _____hit

Her: F' you, you are an ass.

Me: I'm just saying I am not a mind reader, you are welcome to come here.

Her: I can't believe you ruined our weekend worried over K and you are talking again. She's your Goddamned "work wife"!

Me: You don't understand we were betrayed by a mutual friend. I am glad we talked about it. S.he has never been silent with me.

Her: Jesus Christ

Me: I don't even think I am staying long. I am not really feeling up for drinks. I am just going to tell her.

Her: What kind of f'ing friend are you to do that to someone? You said you would meet her and now you are bailing on her? She has always been a good friend to you.

Me: It's just been a bad day.

Her: This conversation has been a total waste of my time. I have to go.

Me: Ok. Have a good night.

Ten minutes later multiple texts from her: I bet you are lying and still there with her.

No matter what I said I was always wrong. First she hates my friend then she is defending her.  Two days later she dumped me.

[ShadowDancer]

It stands to reasonably responsible reason expecting a reasonably responsible response from the unresponsively unreasonable is not responsibly reasonable. Or was that the other way around?

[willtimeheal]

Reading your post brought back so many memories. My BPD hated when I spent time with my friends.  She frequently accused me of wanting to sleep with them.  Or if I was  out she would accuse me of trying to pick up guys. If I was out with my friends there was constant texting of what a lying bit** I was and how if I really loved her I would be there with her. Never mind that she never wanted to leave the house or she was constantly drunk. She didn't have any friends. I had lots of friends and I liked going places and just spending time and catching up with them. She was always invited but never came. But man was she brutal with the texting and verbal put downs if I did anything with them. I ended up isolating myself for a long time then finally after she dumped me one time reconnected with my friends. I started therapy and spent a lot of time working  on myself and trying to figure out why I let her put me down the     because if it was anyone else I would have put them in their place but with her I couldn't. For a long time I felt like I was the crazy one. I assure you we are not crazy. Your logical mind can not make sense of the craziness and that is why you feel confused. Don't try to understand it. You can't.