Is he/she REALLY happy after the discard? Don't be so sure...

[Discovery]

Just wanted to share this. After the email discard, my uxpwBPD informed me he was feeling "really good" and at peace, and mentioned several activities that he was doing and how good he felt now he was "out."

This both infuriated me (thanks for telling me how great you feel while I'm curled up in the fetal position suffering from panic attacks day/night) AND really took down my self-esteem to an even lower point. How could HE be feeling great, when I'm feeling completely broken and defeated?

The thought of him out there feeling "great" has really been a point of pain for me over and over.

Well, yesterday my friend (who had emailed him expressing her outrage at how he treated me) told me he had emailed her (chose to email HER but never replied to my emails). In his email he told her how sad and lonely he was, how he has no one to talk to, how at least I have a friend (her) and family, but he has no one, a lot of poor me, I'm suffering and alone.

Whether or not any of that is true (since what he says shifts depending on who he's telling it to)... .I am choosing to believe it... .and to replace my image of him as walking off into the sunset feeling great... .with him miserable at home, isolated, lonely and unhappy... .and with no solution but to feel sorry for himself... .when HE created his loneliness and isolation by cutting off our r/s unilaterally.

Knowing he IS very possibly suffering and miserable brings me a sense of some kind of "justice" -- and just shows me how ill-equipped he is to see any kind of connection between his choices and what he gets as a result. And how pathetic to be crying to MY friend that he has no friends and no one to talk to, saying that I am "lucky", after HE abruptly discarded me. What the heck!

Just wanted to share for the benefit of any others who may be suffering from feeling that their ex is "happy" and "doing great" -- you really don't know that. Personally I always felt in my heart that NO ONE can treat someone like s*** and truly feel "great" -- they have to have buried some stuff very deep to do that. However, even though I "knew" it intellectually, hearing that actually he has been feeling like crap was a relief to me. I don't wish him ill, but I do feel relief at some level to know he IS experiencing some kind of emotional fallout too.

Helps me see him NOT as powerful and invincible and unaffected and that the end of our r/s cost him nothing... .but on the contrary, as lost, confused, messed up, unhappy, and unable to see his part in his own life, and that his f***** up behavior IS costing him, even if he's unable to figure any of that out.

Helps me let go of any illusion that he "won" and I "lost." Pain all around. But I am learning and will emerge from this with awareness and healing. And I'm not so hopeful about that for him.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Discovery,

     I totally get the "won" and "lost" meme.  My pwBPD had two kids with the next guy and seemed to be very happy for the short time I had close contact, so I completely knew the other guy had won and I was a true loser.  So, now a lot of time has passed and her divorces (yes plural) are history and the hatred, painting black, raging, affairs, sexual acting out, all the typically BPD stuff are still going on with her and I've had a very non-perfect but completely normal marriage to one very sweet person for 25 years. The 'winner' is still trying to re-create his family.  No one is happy, least of all the pwBPD.  Just don't take it to mean they really love you, after all.  I don't think it works that way.

     As "Ironmanfalls" puts at the bottom of his page, "Congratulations. You lost me." 

LT

[maxen]

thank you for posting that discovery, i needed to be reminded not to speculate about things i don't know, and not to take her (quite vicious) words at face value.

Well, yesterday my friend (who had emailed him expressing her outrage at how he treated me)

i like your friend

[DownandOut]

Discovery -

Thanks for that.   You reminded me what the truth is. After I was discarded the first time, I fantasized for over a year about how glamorous my ex's life was without me. How she was enjoying herself while I was sitting at home sulking and feeling sorry for myself because I would never find someone as great as her to love me again. We recycled about 6 months after I started feeling good again. During our second go around I learned what life was like for her during our time apart. Needless to say, it wasn't glamorous at all, it was average and in reality, my life was objectively better in all respects. Things were happening for me that were putting me on the path to success, while she was still struggling to find her place in the world (I originally wanted to be there while she grew and we grew together and that's why I fell for the second recycle). I was actually ascending while she was moving side-to-side, unable to figure out what she wanted from life - not what I was thinking that whole time. I, too, get a feeling of "justice" when I think of my uBPDexgf suffering with loneliness and depression and misery; however, I realized that if she truly is afflicted with this disorder she is certainly suffering with all of the above and if anything I should have pity on her. Also, every time we b/u there was someone else, EVERY TIME! Even then they aren't "happy" they're distracted. I truly believe that a BPD's "happiness" is equivalent to be distracting from the deep pain and emptiness they feel inside. There was a time where I was constantly trying to fill that void in her, but that time has passed because I will no longer be the one that does all the work in the relationship. My happiness is important too.

[Aw511]

mine has gone out of his way to let me know how happy he is too... .i'm not buying it. if anything he's manic, maybe he found another girl to distract him from himself, but he's not "happy." they are empty. it's only a matter of time before whatever he is filling the void with disappears again... .

or at least that's what i tell myself to help me get by... .

[DownandOut]

mine has gone out of his way to let me know how happy he is too... .i'm not buying it. if anything he's manic, maybe he found another girl to distract him from himself, but he's not "happy." they are empty. it's only a matter of time before whatever he is filling the void with disappears again... .

or at least that's what i tell myself to help me get by... .

Mine too. She went overboard with pictures of her and my replacement on social media. Things she never did with me after months of dating she was doing with him after a week of dating - normal people don't act like that. If you're really happy, you don't need to validate that feeling by letting everyone know constantly.

[Ironmanrises]

When my exUBPDgf left me after round 1, I thought she was happy in whole 3 months of NC. When she came to me at the end of those 3 months and I let her back in for round 2, she told me she was not happy at all that entire time of NC. Was she lying? Unknown. But that is what she told me. After I let her back in, I let her back into my social media as well FB/IG etc. I viewed her posts/statuses/tweets dating back to that time period, and I saw what could best be described as fake happiness for the enablers to see mixed in with posts that were entailed for me depicting as time passed in NC of her re-idealization of me.

As far as if she is happy now after she discarded me again at the end of round 2, she was posting up until the end that same artificial happiness that I had seen before. It was the same ___ing b*ll___ she was posting before. For the fake friends/family enabling bunch of a$$holes she would rather have around her. Had I not seen that pattern before, I would most likely assume she has been happy this entire time of NC. A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Based on the above, based on a pattern of behavior that I have witnessed dating back to just being friends with her, witnessing it in round 1, and then in round 2, is she happy now? No. She discarded me. The only person in her whole circle who actually knows about her god awful disorder. Who accepted her, for her. The good, the bad, and the ugly, as I once told her. Is she portraying that fake artificial happiness that I saw before? You can bet your bottom dollar on it.

I had to see this behavior multiple times to see through it. She isn't happy. She lost me. A good person with a fatal flaw of not loving himself. Apologies for my vulgarity and rambling reply. I needed to let that out.

[ShadowDancer]

mine has gone out of his way to let me know how happy he is too... .i'm not buying it. if anything he's manic, maybe he found another girl to distract him from himself, but he's not "happy." they are empty. it's only a matter of time before whatever he is filling the void with disappears again... .

or at least that's what i tell myself to help me get by... .

Mine too. She went overboard with pictures of her and my replacement on social media. Things she never did with me after months of dating she was doing with him after a week of dating - normal people don't act like that. If you're really happy, you don't need to validate that feeling by letting everyone know constantly.

THIS is why social media SUCKS in these matters and should be avoided like the plague.

[DownandOut]

When my exUBPDgf left me after round 1, I thought she was happy in whole 3 months of NC. When she came to me at the end of those 3 months and I let her back in for round 2, she told me she was not happy at all that entire time of NC. Was she lying? Unknown. But that is what she told me. After I let her back in, I let her back into my social media as well FB/IG etc. I viewed her posts/statuses/tweets dating back to that time period, and I saw what could best be described as fake happiness for the enablers to see mixed in with posts that were entailed for me depicting as time passed in NC of her re-idealization of me.

As far as if she is happy now after she discarded me again at the end of round 2, she was posting up until the end that same artificial happiness that I had seen before. It was the same ___ing b*ll___ she was posting before. For the fake friends/family enabling bunch of a$$holes she would rather have around her. Had I not seen that pattern before, I would most likely assume she has been happy this entire time of NC. A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Based on the above, based on a pattern of behavior that I have witnessed dating back to just being friends with her, witnessing it in round 1, and then in round 2, is she happy now? No. She discarded me. The only person in her whole circle who actually knows about her god awful disorder. Who accepted her, for her. The good, the bad, and the ugly, as I once told her. Is she portraying that fake artificial happiness that I saw before? You can bet your bottom dollar on it.

I had to see this behavior multiple times to see through it. She isn't happy. She lost me. A good person with a fatal flaw of not loving himself. Apologies for my vulgarity and rambling reply. I needed to let that out.

Same with mine. She is from a city that is essentially built on phoniness and superficiality and most of her friends/enablers just go along with whatever BS she's portraying at the moment. For example, I've mentioned before that I went to Europe with my ex and she did not post ONE PICTURE of our beautiful vacation; however, I broke up with her the week we got back home and ONE WEEK LATER she is posting pictures of her and my replacement kissing and hugging and acting as if they're two little kids in love and they've been together forever. She even posted a picture of some BS weekend getaway with him 2 WEEKS LATER as if she was on the best vacation of her life when I just went to Europe with her and went to some of the most beautiful places in the world. All her fake friends loved those pics! 50-60 likes! Amazing! I wonder if even one of them asked how the hell you could jump into a new relationship when you just went to Europe with your boyfriend that you were supposed to marry, that was the one? I guess i'll never know, but based on the amount of "likes" she got on her pictures I'll assume none of them blinked an eye.

[Ironmanrises]

Down,

As hurtful as hell for you to have seen those pics of your ex posting of her and the replacement, do know that his fate will be the same as yours(unless he of course leaves her first). She will stop posting those pics of him and her as time passes(once she gets triggered and devaluation begins). Those friends of hers that were liking their pics and not questioning her were most likely being told the complete opposite of the truth between you and her for a long time. Them liking those pics is a scary reflection of that. Had they known the real truth, of what she was doing to you, you can safely assume that not all of them would have liked those pics and said something to the contrary. Your ex was well aware of all of this to begin with and knows she needs those enablers on her side, thus the devaluing of you so that they will see you as the problem and the new guy as the savior. I know it sucks. I don't know if mine was cheating/cheated on me, but her behavior in regards to pictures and such, was not so dissimilar.

Hang in there.

[DownandOut]

Ironman,

I agree with that, but that's something that kills me. She lives 1200 miles away and I have no idea what my reputation is around her circle at this point. I would assume based on how she spoke about her exes that she doesn't say anything bad about me. She's weird, she isn't the typical BPD in which she devalues her exes to her new victim. She always spoke glowingly of her exes to me as if talking bad about them would somehow reflect poorly on her. That's what drives me insane. How could they just let her make these decisions without asking her if she realizes what she's doing? She looks insane posting pictures of a new guy as if she's been married for 20 years after everyone knows she was dating me. Whatever! I'll never understand it, but I need to live with it.

[maxen]

The only person in her whole circle who actually knows about her god awful disorder.

same here. i know i've commented on that before but it just burns me endlessly.

[Discovery]

I don't use any social media and neither did my x, and from reading some of the above and seeing how much ADDITIONAL hurt and damage the postings on FB etc. create and how it makes it even harder to separate ... .and how much game-playing happens on there... .for those for whom the social media just generates more pain, why are you still connected to it?

[Ironmanrises]

How could they just let her make these decisions without asking her if she realizes what she's doing?

Down,

If they were being told that you were not being good to her(as an example) for x period of time while she was with you(devaluing you behind your back) that may very well be the reason why they are not questioning her decisions. Remember, she isn't going to tell them the truth(that she was treating you poorly for no reason) so she has to paint this picture of you to them so that they do not question her perceived reality(however untrue it really is). So these people around her, after x period of time, of being fed this information about you, swallowed it, and when she came on the scene with the replacement(those people may have even known about him subtly long before), she has painted a picture that you(Down) were the problem all this time(her perceived reality) and this replacement(new guy) is the guy that will rescue her from you. Hence all those likes you saw. They are liking a distorted painting of the entire picture, one that your ex, literally painted for them to see. And as you can see, it worked, none of them are questioning her decision. I know it is sickening to view. Plus, those people are not being directly impacted by your ex's behavior, only you are. None of my ex's friends asked me anything after round 1 and so far after round 2, of what happened. Not one of them. Can I assume that they do not know the full truth of what really happened? Yes. How else would any of this make sense? If they really knew, some of them would have told her, "Ironmanfalls didn't do anything to you for you to have done this to him, not once, but twice!" Nothing I can do now. A hurt I have to process along with all my other countless myriad of flaws I have.

[ShadowDancer]

I don't use any social media and neither did my x, and from reading some of the above and seeing how much ADDITIONAL hurt and damage the postings on FB etc. create and how it makes it even harder to separate ... .and how much game-playing happens on there... .for those for whom the social media just generates more pain, why are you still connected to it?

This is a phenomena that baffles me to this day. Talk about self torture.  

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Downand Out,

    That's what drives me insane. I doubt that your reputation with a group of people you mostly don't know and who live 1200 miles away is what is driving you insane.  Who cares what they think or why they don't ask her how she could post stuff like that?  It might be that the real problem is that she is posting this nonsense.  Period.  It sucks on so many levels.  These pictures will disappear soon eneough and be replaced with another schnook's pictures that the circus will "Like" also.  But, the new pictures will hurt you just as much, as will the set after that, and after that, for as long as you put yourself in the position of looking at them.  Have you considered why you do that?  I doubt you actually like pain.  More likely you have the problem that part of you feels pleasure from seeing even a picture of her though most of you feels nothing but pain from it.  Perhaps you think you'll figure this out if you can get into her head a little more now.  You always have before, perhaps, in other relationships.  Well, this may be the operation of a mind that is honestly ill, and if so you won't be able to understand it.  You're pouring fuel on the fire that's burning you.  Stop it.  Now.  You know I'm right about this I bet.

LT

[DownandOut]

How could they just let her make these decisions without asking her if she realizes what she's doing?

Down,

If they were being told that you were not being good to her(as an example) for x period of time while she was with you(devaluing you behind your back) that may very well be the reason why they are not questioning her decisions. Remember, she isn't going to tell them the truth(that she was treating you poorly for no reason) so she has to paint this picture of you to them so that they do not question her perceived reality(however untrue it really is). So these people around her, after x period of time, of being fed this information about you, swallowed it, and when she came on the scene with the replacement(those people may have even known about him subtly long before), she has painted a picture that you(Down) were the problem all this time(her perceived reality) and this replacement(new guy) is the guy that will rescue her from you. Hence all those likes you saw. They are liking a distorted painting of the entire picture, one that your ex, literally painted for them to see. And as you can see, it worked, none of them are questioning her decision. I know it is sickening to view. Plus, those people are not being directly impacted by your ex's behavior, only you are. None of my ex's friends asked me anything after round 1 and so far after round 2, of what happened. Not one of them. Can I assume that they do not know the full truth of what really happened? Yes. How else would any of this make sense? If they really knew, some of them would have told her, "Ironmanfalls didn't do anything to you for you to have done this to him, not once, but twice!" Nothing I can do now. A hurt I have to process along with all my other countless myriad of flaws I have.

I think that's why she was really upset when she took me to her friends wedding and everyone had a great time in my company. I had a great time with her friends and everyone was enjoying themselves, telling her how much they liked me, and she was sulking the entire night. She seemed to hate that everyone liked me. Now that we're discussing it, it's as if she was devaluing me in her mind at that point (which she was) and my behavior and interactions with her friends were not fitting the narrative she'd created about me. It must have been even more frustrating that she now had to devalue me to her friends after they saw that I was a good guy.

Dear Downand Out,

     That's what drives me insane. I doubt that your reputation with a group of people you mostly don't know and who live 1200 miles away is what is driving you insane.  Who cares what they think or why they don't ask her how she could post stuff like that?  It might be that the real problem is that she is posting this nonsense.  Period.  It sucks on so many levels.  These pictures will disappear soon eneough and be replaced with another schnook's pictures that the circus will "Like" also.  But, the new pictures will hurt you just as much, as will the set after that, and after that, for as long as you put yourself in the position of looking at them.  Have you considered why you do that?  I doubt you actually like pain.  More likely you have the problem that part of you feels pleasure from seeing even a picture of her though most of you feels nothing but pain from it.  Perhaps you think you'll figure this out if you can get into her head a little more now.  You always have before, perhaps, in other relationships.  Well, this may be the operation of a mind that is honestly ill, and if so you won't be able to understand it.  You're pouring fuel on the fire that's burning you.  Stop it.  Now.  You know I'm right about this I bet.

LT

I blocked her after about a week of a constant barrage of pics with her and the new guy. I no longer know what she's doing, or who she's with, but that first week definitely left an impression on me. I'm glad it happened though. I found out that the guy I suspected she was having an affair with (whether emotional or sexual) was who I thought he was. My intuition was validated and I saw her in a whole new light. Then I came here and I'm here today a better, more knowledgeable person.

[DownandOut]

Dear Downand Out,

     That's what drives me insane. I doubt that your reputation with a group of people you mostly don't know and who live 1200 miles away is what is driving you insane.  Who cares what they think or why they don't ask her how she could post stuff like that?  It might be that the real problem is that she is posting this nonsense.  Period.  It sucks on so many levels.  These pictures will disappear soon eneough and be replaced with another schnook's pictures that the circus will "Like" also.  But, the new pictures will hurt you just as much, as will the set after that, and after that, for as long as you put yourself in the position of looking at them.  Have you considered why you do that?  I doubt you actually like pain.  More likely you have the problem that part of you feels pleasure from seeing even a picture of her though most of you feels nothing but pain from it.  Perhaps you think you'll figure this out if you can get into her head a little more now.  You always have before, perhaps, in other relationships.  Well, this may be the operation of a mind that is honestly ill, and if so you won't be able to understand it.  You're pouring fuel on the fire that's burning you.  Stop it.  Now.  You know I'm right about this I bet.

LT

I forgot to mention that it's not what they think about me that drives me nuts, I struggle with the fact that she lied about all her relationships. She gave conflicting accounts about how she felt about those other guys, and she is doing the same thing with regard to me. I once lived in her city and there are some people I really liked there, I hope she is not soiling my good name with her nonsense because I have ties to that city and I might end up there again one day. Probably not, but no need to burn bridges.

[strikeforce]

I don't use any social media and neither did my x, and from reading some of the above and seeing how much ADDITIONAL hurt and damage the postings on FB etc. create and how it makes it even harder to separate ... .and how much game-playing happens on there... .for those for whom the social media just generates more pain, why are you still connected to it?

This is a phenomena that baffles me to this day. Talk about self torture.  

Major lack of self control.

I have never felt any desire to look at any exs not just BPD ex facebook page.

[goldylamont]

yep, i'm guilty of checking the ol FB page for a while after the breakup too. exact same thing as you guys describe. so fake. and i actually noticed a pattern with her posting pics... .when she started texting/calling me and treating me nice they would stop; when i told her i needed space and she raged at me, *immediately* she started posting pics with this new guy again. yep, i'll admit to not being able to control this urge, but i don't regret it. it let me see the full scope of things. i think if i had kept doing this on and on and on it would be really bad though. but i took control and defriended her once i really convinced myself she wasn't worthy of even my friendship.

to strikeforce, DownandOut, ShadowDancer--did you have a FB account with lots of shared friends with your ex? I shared over 50 mutual friends with my ex, about 45 were my friends that she only knew through me. and even though we lived together she changed her FB r/s status to be with this other guy... .so i had tons of friends that didn't even know we had split up contacting me telling me "i didn't know you guys even broke up, and she moved out already and started seeing this guy", my solemn response "no, we're still living together". waaaaaaa! baby no likey!, i was so hurt! so embarrassed. gotta admit that she got me with that one. right now it's just a whole bunch of Tom Foolery but when you're in the middle of something like this when one person is actively attacking your reputation, lying and smearing you, and you can see half of it online, it's hard not to take a look. personally, i'm not mad i did--it hurt but i got info, and i got out on my own terms.

she claims to have done everything just to be happy. but i know at least half of the fiasco was using this guy just to punish me and try to publicly degrade me in front of friends as best as she could. i just never thought anyone would be this sadistic, but now i know! and that poor fella, once he served his purpose she damn near killed him with a brutal dumping. i was hurt, but i was luuuucky

[loz1982]

I can very much relate to these posts, I went interstate to get some time out and space to clear my head. Obviously my then partner up until that point thought I was coming back home as I always had. Think he then realised hang on this is more serious so he said he didn't want to be in limbo anymore so we should break up officially. Then a week of NC and he contacted me again, but when he didn't hear what he wanted to hear he got upset and said I've been the happiest I've been in a long time, no resentment, no apologies have to be made and presumably its because I don't have you lot in my life (meaning me and my parents). I know when he gets upset he lashes out and I chose not to take offence to that I have heard worse about myself from him, if he was really happy why does he keep contacting me then? When they go out of their way to tell us that, I believe it is just the opposite. I wrote my ex a letter just to clarify what he has done to me and my family and why I hesitate to go back to him just so he is clear, a waste of time I knew from his perspective as I have tried to get through to him for the past month but all I have got it projection with a little bit of ownership and have been painted black. It was more for me to make sure I have got everything out I wanted to stay. He sent me a text 5 mins after I sent the letter/email saying because you are not staying around to work things out (cause that is why we aren't together grrr) I have moved on, now on dating website and it is well and truly over). He referred to a couple of things in my heartfelt email, none of what I was feeling or the pain he had caused me, it was just about defending himself. If that isn't closure what is. Then he text me the next night to wish me luck at my first week of work and that he thinks of me all of the time but it is what it is. Basically saying their happy and or on dating websites is just meant to cause you hurt, make you jealous in the hope you will come back to you, a form of emotional abuse. I was initially devastated when my ex said he was moving on and on a website but then someone pointed out it was a form of emotional abuse and the fact he keeps mentioned it proves it. Good luck to him if he is, I am going to give myself time to heal from this, I know Im not ready to date yet but I feel sorry for the next girl he meets because a week ago he said he loves me, how can you go into another relationship loving someone else so quickly, I couldn't think of anything worse!

With regards to his friends, it does concern me what he is saying to them about me and my parents but I do take comfort in the fact that I have got to know them well over the last 2 1/2 years and they know him well so I don't think they will hold much weight on what he is saying. He broke off our engagement when I wasn't cooking and cleaning to his standard, never mind my Uncle died and he was fighting with my parents so I had stopped functioning. When he told his friends this they said what do you want your Mum? I am catching up with wives of his friends next week, they contacted me I wouldn't contact them as he is their friends but it must mean they think I am a decent person. I am not sure how much to tell them, I don't want to talk ill of him to them but at the same time get my side across. I don't think he has told a lot of his friends at least not up until recently I think it is because what could he say without looking bad and also he was hoping I would come back and wouldn't have to try and explain.