Is my calmness reinforcing her dysregulations?

[Border_Lover]

We lived together for 3 years, and have now lived apart for 5 months in a LDR. The first 3 months were fine, but the last 2 have been rough since I've started putting in a lot of time trying to better myself and our relationship, but it seems the harder I try the worse things get.

Old me during a dysregulation of hers:

• I would get angry and raise my voice.



• I would argue that the things she said weren't true or weren't fair.



• I would be angry and more distant afterwards and usually into the next day.

New me during a dysregulation of hers:

• I stop arguing my point.



• I try and validate her feelings



• I remain as calm as possible. (I sometimes fail, but only for a brief period)



• If she is unable to be reasoned with, I tell her I feel that continuing to talk about things will be unproductive, and that I love her and am going to take a 30 minute break. (She is always fine when we talk next.)



• I do not get angry at her later, instead I remain calm.

I feel that now she gets triggered very easily when it benefits her;

• When she wants time to herself but doesn't want to ask for it.



• When I am having a difficult time myself and could use her support by talking wtih her.



• When she notices that I am right about something and she can not win the disagreement.



• When I bring up that point again.



• When I want to discuss something important.



• Pretty much any conversation she would prefer to just ignore.

It's very frustrating because I went into things calmer thinking it would help. Even using S.E.T. doesn't help. I'm not passive with her normally, just now when she dysregulates. Is this because she has lost respect for me because I don't continue arguing my points when she is being entirely illogical? I feel it's because there is no negative reinforcement for her behavior, but I don't know of a constructive way to do so. Doing that in the past always ended with her breaking down in tears and telling me how she wants die. I feel so manipulated now that I am calm and feel I am handling things better. I know allowing her to control things like this is taking a toll on our relationship, but I don't know what to do... .Any advice or input or anything else is very much appreciate. Thank you.

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[123Phoebe]

We lived together for 3 years, and have now lived apart for 5 months in a LDR. The first 3 months were fine, but the last 2 have been rough since I've started putting in a lot of time trying to better myself and our relationship, but it seems the harder I try the worse things get.

Hi there, and yes, frustration can be part of the deal.  I don't know that this will help your situation-- what has helped me the most though is to not worry too much about my pwBPD getting upset about something.  I don't try harder.

I don't intentionally set out to stir the pot, but if he's stirring it, I don't add ingredients.  I've learned to let a lot of things slide, if they're not blatant deal breaker behaviors, while chalking it up to BPD.

New me during a dysregulation of hers:

• I stop arguing my point.



• I try and validate her feelings



• I remain as calm as possible. (I sometimes fail, but only for a brief period)



• If she is unable to be reasoned with, I tell her I feel that continuing to talk about things will be unproductive, and that I love her and am going to take a 30 minute break. (She is always fine when we talk next.)



• I do not get angry at her later, instead I remain calm.

Once dysregulated, validation kinda flies out the window.

I feel that now she gets triggered very easily when it benefits her;

• When she wants time to herself but doesn't want to ask for it.



• When I am having a difficult time myself and could use her support by talking wtih her.



• When she notices that I am right about something and she can not win the disagreement.



• When I bring up that point again.



• When I want to discuss something important.



• Pretty much any conversation she would prefer to just ignore.

Have you approached these using S.E.T?  Might be best to end the conversations at the hint of them taking a downward turn.

Do you have other people in your life to discuss important things with?

Your calmness could be triggering an extinction burst from her; get you to change back to your old ways!  The better you learn to take care of yourself, a new normal will be established  

[waverider]

Many changes take a long time to have a permanent effect.

If you are not engaging, she can't project and so gets frustrated easily, and looks for alternative strategies to get what she wants (outflanking your boundaries)

Staying calm you are more able to see things as they are, and so you see things as more "manipulating" for lack of a better word.

Do you feel being calm is better for you than allowing yourself to get dragged into it? You feeling better is the first priority.

[coworkerfriend]

Hi - I just want to post quick and let you know I understand.

Over the course of this past year, I have worked very hard to stay calm and not slip back into the bad habits that I held on to for so long.  I have been involved with a pwBPD for a number of years and we own a business as well as being personally involved.  I can speak from experience calmer does help me to avoid the circular fighting during periods of dysregulation.  Plus, I feel much more in control when I stay calm.  He can't pull me off into whatever conversation he feels like having when something triggers him.   

Just recently, we talked about how guilty he feels asking me for time to himself so he tries to get mad at me so it feels easier for him.  The last time it happened, it occurred to me that he was doing anything in his power to be mad. I stayed calm and just gave him time.  His actions are becoming clearer to me and easier (at times - sometimes it just sucks) to know that my calm helps both of us.  It helps me not get all freaked out and it helps him because he is realizing he can tell me how he is feeling.  I know once we move past one thing, we seem to have another issue to deal with. 

Nothing about this disorder is easy and I think there is no one answer to what works but I can say from experience, the lessons have changed my life for the better. 

I think Phoebe may be on to something too - I have had a couple of experiences where things seemed much worse and I think we were experiencing extinction bursts.  During them, it was horrible but so far, as I have reacted differently, he is beginning to react differently too.  Plus Phoebe made a great point of not adding ingredients to the pot they stir!  I know in the past, I didn't just add ingredients but I would grab the spoon from his hand!  Learning to let things slide and not hold onto to the past, helps establish a new normal.

[waverider]

By staying calm you are less likely to go off on a tangent  and so ultimately get to the heart of the matter, which is better for both of you

[Border_Lover]

Thank you so much all three of you. I very much appreciate the responses and am taking some from each of you.

Maybe I'm mistaken, or just fortunate that she calms down quickly, because she can completely lose touch with reality and some of the time If I am just there to listen and validate she can come back after a few minutes. It's once it feels abusive to me that I go. She is aware that she is able to dysregulate, so I wonder if that causes some doubt and brings her back quicker, I do not know. I meant the harder I try in life (like learning tools), not to get a point across. I sometimes wonder if me just dropping the argument is doing more harm than good, I suppose time will tell.

S.E.T. doesn't seem to be helping at all. I do have a therapist I talk to, but their are issues in our relationship that need some discussing that she is completely avoiding. Maybe it is asking too much, but if that is the case I don't know if I can handle the relationship for much longer.  It does sound like it could be an extinction burst. I know she didn't like the fact I distanced myself after a fight, but I do know she liked the attention she got that came before that.

Waverider, you are always full of wise words.   You make some great points. I'm soaking them all in. Progress is what makes me feel better. With the calmness it seems like things are taking a step backwards, but I know I have to give it some more time to see if it's helping.

I now am definitely avoiding 99% of the circular fighting by staying calm. But at times I feel like I would even settle for the fighting because at least it would feel like we discussed something important, however I know it would just fall on deaf ears. That is very good to hear that he shared with you that he tries to get mad to make it easier on him. My uBPDgf realizes she triggers much easier and more often lately, but assures me she has no idea why. :/  The not knowing is what is so difficult for me. I know this is something I need to just accept that I probably won't know, but I'm not ready to just yet. It just feels like she is keeping something huge from me and the guilt is eating her up, but that is just suspicion. Sadly I have a lot less trust for her lately.

Thank you all again. My apologies if I seem overly negative, it's just one of those days.  Take care.

[waverider]

Just to give you an idea of how hard this is, it took me at least a full year since arriving here before reaching a stage where I am no longer a target for abuse/conflict and general nastiness. The BPD is still there in force, but now she owns it. It is dibilitating but not deliberately targeted at the RS.

i no longer fear BPD behavior to the point I can wind back my guard a little and let things blow, even initiate conflict myself. Knowing I can defuse or fix it up later. This takes a lot of pressure off and i can now get on with my own stuff without being dumped on for it.

There have been many and serious extinction bursts, major dramas along the way. It does feel like you are banging your head on an issue getting no where, then suddenly its like the last resistance stops, that is empowering.

Best advice is select your boundaries carefully, stick to them and be consistent.

Believe in yourself above all else

[Border_Lover]

I appreciate the encouraging words. I just noticed the quote "Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real" and I like it very much.