Daughter was Arrested

[raytamtay3]

My DD14 was arrested last night for unauthorized possession of a controlled substance (xanax) which she stole from my mother who has been living with us for two weeks and who is on hospice. She got to them before we could lock them up.  She has been charged with a crime in the fourth degree and two counts of disorder.

At the police station she was relentlessly running her mouth to the police officers. Calling them pigs, saying things like "I should have run so I can see that dude over there jog after me". Asking if they keep the drugs to use themselves. Telling one of the police officer she hates him the most and to shut the f up, etc. She was finger printed and now has a mug shot.

She told me I need to get her a lawyer. I said I'm sorry but I will not. That if the only way I can get her the help she needs is for her to go to jail or a residential treatment center, I'm going to do it. Then she called me every name in the book in the police station. Sorry but validation went out the window last night. Told me how the kid she got arrested with (he was charged with possession of mariuanna with the intent to distribute), that his parents are "cool" and will help him to get out of it.  I'm sorry, I have never been and will never be an enabler. She made her bed now she has to lie in it.  My goal is to save her from herself at whatever cost.

Right now I'm just impartial to it all because I'm so burnt out. I've been waiting for something like this to happen. So part of me is relieved that maybe NOW she can get the proper help whether it be going to juvi or a residential treatment center because something's got to give, and depressed and scared that I'm going to be the one who has to pay the massive fines she is sure to get.  How I keep going I have no idea... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, raytamtay3  

I'm really sorry that all of that has happened! It's a really scary and horrible thing to see our kids run off the rails, and do things that they should know are wrong and harmful to them... .You are right, though, that the best thing now would be for her to get the help she needs, and sometimes the legal system can provide that when all else fails.

Here's a link to the Legal Information on this site (it's not just for people leaving their spouses--it's also about family legal matters); you can post the information in this thread over there, and there will be many senior members who respond over there who could help you know what to do now... .

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Also, I'm not sure if you've seen this Workshop, yet, but you may find something in there that could help you, also:

What You Need To Know If Your Child Is Arrested

Hang in there, raytamtay3... .We are here for you and want to help  

[raytamtay3]

Hi, raytamtay3  

I'm really sorry that all of that has happened! It's a really scary and horrible thing to see our kids run off the rails, and do things that they should know are wrong and harmful to them... .You are right, though, that the best thing now would be for her to get the help she needs, and sometimes the legal system can provide that when all else fails.

Here's a link to the Legal Information on this site (it's not just for people leaving their spouses--it's also about family legal matters); you can post the information in this thread over there, and there will be many senior members who respond over there who could help you know what to do now... .

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Also, I'm not sure if you've seen this Workshop, yet, but you may find something in there that could help you, also:

What You Need To Know If Your Child Is Arrested

Hang in there, raytamtay3... .We are here for you and want to help  

Thanks. Valuable info. there.

[Rapt Reader]

I hope it helps, raytamtay3  

With your daughter safe and sound right now (hopefully!), it's a good time to do some reading to be ready for the next step with her. How are you doing? Sometimes just getting a handle on what is going on can help us get centered and calmer. I know this is very tough; my own son was arrested at the end of February 2013, and what was worse was that we (his Dad and I) were away on vacation! Do you have some sort of support system right now to help you in person?

Please keep us updated, and know that we are here for you... .

[raytamtay3]

I seriously feel like I'm going to either have another stroke or pass out. My nerves are so shot. I'm dizzy, my hands are shaking. It's not a panick attack or anything. I'm just exhausted. I know this will pass. It always does. But it's scary.

[Rapt Reader]

raytamtay3 

That is horrible; I've had that kind of agitation before (yeah, BPDson-related!) and it's no picnic! Can you find ways of calming down? Someone to call up and talk to? Some hot tea or cocoa (what is it that makes you happy?)? Is anyone with you right now?

When was the last time you spoke with your daughter? Is she still in custody? Do you know how she is doing? I know you said you won't be getting her a lawyer (will she be assigned a Public Defender?); is there anyone involved in her incarceration you can talk to, to at least get an idea of how she is and what to expect to happen next? Would doing some "action" tasks related to her situation make you feel more in control?

That's the kind of stuff that I do when under pressure and my whole wide world is crashing down around me: I get into action mode and see what I need to be aware of and what needs to be done next... .Please hang in there 

[raytamtay3]

raytamtay3 

That is horrible; I've had that kind of agitation before (yeah, BPDson-related!) and it's no picnic! Can you find ways of calming down? Someone to call up and talk to? Some hot tea or cocoa (what is it that makes you happy?)? Is anyone with you right now?

When was the last time you spoke with your daughter? Is she still in custody? Do you know how she is doing? I know you said you won't be getting her a lawyer (will she be assigned a Public Defender?); is there anyone involved in her incarceration you can talk to, to at least get an idea of how she is and what to expect to happen next? Would doing some "action" tasks related to her situation make you feel more in control?

That's the kind of stuff that I do when under pressure and my whole wide world is crashing down around me: I get into action mode and see what I need to be aware of and what needs to be done next... .Please hang in there 

Since she is a juvinile, in my district they release to the custody of a parent pending a court date.  Believe it or not, just venting here helps tremendoulsly. I get very reclusive when I'm in these moods. Can't and don't want to verbally talke to anyone. I always found it better writing out my thoughts.


Haven't talked to DD today yet. But we have cameras and I check in periodically. She's watching tv. Plus my mom lives with us and keeps an eye too.

[Rapt Reader]

Ahhhhh... .So you are at work right now? That's got to be tough on you! I'm glad to hear that she seems to be all right; I hope your Mom is up to this... .Maybe they get along well, so it isn't too stressful on her? I know it may look like your daughter is unconcerned about her future, but I'd bet that underneath her cocky exterior (if she has one right now) she is a little girl scared to death.

I hope the links I gave you are helping; do you actually know what happens next? Do you have a contact in the legal system or elsewhere that can keep you updated, answer questions, help you out? I'd really love to know what the next step is going to be; and just maybe she'll get the treatment she needs at last... .Keep us in the loop, OK? 

[raytamtay3]

Ahhhhh... .So you are at work right now? That's got to be tough on you! I'm glad to hear that she seems to be all right; I hope your Mom is up to this... .Maybe they get along well, so it isn't too stressful on her? I know it may look like your daughter is unconcerned about her future, but I'd bet that underneath her cocky exterior (if she has one right now) she is a little girl scared to death.

I hope the links I gave you are helping; do you actually know what happens next? Do you have a contact in the legal system or elsewhere that can keep you updated, answer questions, help you out? I'd really love to know what the next step is going to be; and just maybe she'll get the treatment she needs at last... .Keep us in the loop, OK? 

While my mother's heart is broken from DD stealing the meds from her, they do have a pretty good relationship in that my mother knows how to talk to her without her making her rage.

I believe the next step is waiting for the papers from court. I have no desire to talk to anyone in the legal system because I'm not fighting this. When I get in front of the judge my husband and I plan on telling it like it is and asking that the judge help us help her by recommending RTC.

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, I wasn't suggesting fighting the charges; they are what they are, and your daughter needs help and maybe now she'll get it. I was just wondering if you knew what was going to happen next so at least you could plan a strategy; for me, just having a handle on what is going on is somehow soothing. But, that could just be me 

Sounds like you do have a strategy: keep out of it and let her suffer the consequences, and hope that they include some sort of mental health and substance abuse treatment; is that it? If so, maybe you can find out if there is some sort of Dual Diagnosis Program available for teenagers; as you may know, that is the treatment that finally helped my son with all of his Substance Addiction, Suicidal Ideation and other mental health issues. I recommend a program like that very highly... .Good luck, and good luck to your daughter   

[raytamtay3]

Last night I told my husband (DD's stepdad) to "take the wheel" because I don't have any fight left in me. So when DD's bio dad (my exh) called me after DD called him crying that I was going to let her go to jail and started telling me that "you can't let our daughter go to jail" "you have to get a lawyer", DH took the phone.

History. Ex gave me full custody of DD last year because he couldn't handle her anymore.  Up until that point, we shared 50/50 custody (one week on one week off). Accept for last weekend, he even refused to take DD every other weekend since May! So DH got on the phone and told him that we are handling this. DH and EX have never spoken up until this point as ex refuses to.  Refuses to talk to the man helping raise his daughter... .but I digree... .Anyway, DH said that this is OUR house and OUR rules and since she lives with us, we are making the decision. Well ex started in on how this is between him and me blah-blah-blah and DH told him that he hasn't even seen DD since May and that's when ex went off calling DH all kinds of names, which is typical of him. DH hung up on him but not before telling him then you take her. Ya right like that would happen. Ex knows and I'm sure loves what we are going through.

DH just forwarded me a text he just received from DD basically cussing him out and threatening to make his life a living hell. I fully expect world war 3 again. It's going to get ugly! I expect DD to rage when I get home and ultimately end up hitting DH. She's gotten close before, but instead licked her hand and smeared it on his face.

Pray for us.  BTW DD has some "traits" from her dad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really very sorry for all of this trauma you are going through, raytamtay3 

I promise to keep you in my prayers, and I hope tonight won't be as volatile as you fear. I truly hope that a good treatment program for your daughter can be located, and that the court will send her there so that she can't say "No."

Keep us updated, OK? Good luck... .

[kellygirl601]

   my heart goes out to you.  Im surprised my BPD dtr 20 has not been arrested, although

she did call the police when I took away her cell phone.  Now she is 20 and is always saying that I don't like her.  I tell her I love her, she says yes, but you don't like me... .  I understand being worn out by it.  I also hid from everything when things were really bad. I hope things get better.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry!  My heart just aches for you, her mom who wants nothing more than to see her little girl get better and live contentedly!  My prayers go out to you and your family as well!  I am praying that this will lead her to the help she needs!   

[raytamtay3]

I sit here at the hospital waiting since 11 pm last night for my insurance company to open to have dd admitted yet again to a bebavorial health center. Sunday night she took off in some dudes truck (reported her as a runaway) and didnt come home until 9 last night where she proceeded to text me while my mother and i was shopping, that i make her want to kill herself every day and that she cuts because of me. So i called 911 as i took the threat of killing herself seriously. Police came out, she assaulted one and now in addition to possession of a controlled and dangerous substance, she now has aggrevated assault added to the mix. She texted positive for marjuanna and cocaine last night and we now wait to go to the center which does no good but will at the very least keep her safe. She was like a wild animal last night. It took two police officers to subdue her which they almost couldnt even do. She lunged for me at one point and they tackled her to the ground cursing up a storm. Why is she so angry? Why does she hate me so much? I do t do anything. And im so tired of them all thinking this is a family communication issue when it is not. There is something seriously wrong with my daughter and she needs serious serious help. Also when the police tackled her a bottle of prescription pills prescribed.for her, but of which she refused months ago came flying out of a camera case bag she tried to run into the bathroom with. I believe she had plans to od last night. And lasty, we found a picture on her cell that she took last wednesday, they day of her first arrest, with about six cuts on her arm all bloody.

[raytamtay3]

Still at hospital as they r having difficulty finding a bed.at a bwhavorial health place. Im not allowed to leave since she is a minor. Im exhausted.

[Rapt Reader]

raytamtay3 

I'm really sorry that this is happening, and I know you must be so exhausted and fearful for your daughter... .I truly hope they find a bed for her somewhere soon; are they checking out any Dual Diagnosis Programs? I know that they just need to find someplace that takes teenagers with BPD and other issues; a DD Program would be helpful, but I do know she needs to find a bed somewhere though... .

Please hang in there, raytamtay3... .I am happy you gave us an update, but so sorry that this is what is happening. Please be strong, remember Radical Acceptance. Sometimes when things are at their lowest, that is when the whole world turns around in the right direction. Maybe this will be her "hitting bottom" moment, and she will realize she needs help and will be willing to get it. If you are in the position to speak to her, remember to be compassionate and empathetic and use Validation of her feelings and situation, and let the professionals handle the rest (all the hard stuff). At this point, what else can you do? The "hard stuff" is all out of your hands, anyway... .Just don't give up, OK? 

My prayers are with you, raytamtay3... .

[Matt]

I know it was hard to call 911, but in that situation it was the right thing to do.

I had to do that several years ago - my son tried twice and almost succeeded.  Now he been clean and sober more than 5 years and is much healthier.  You can't fix your daughter - there is a lot of difficulty ahead - but you can make sure she knows you love her, and that will make a big difference.

[six]

WOW.

Raytamtay, I cannot even believe what you are going thru.  My eyes are tearing up reading this.  Just want to send you a huge hug and want to make sure that you know that people on this board are pulling for you and praying for a safe resolution.  I went through a lot of hell with my BPDs26 when he was a teenager, but things eventually calmed down somewhat.  This situation will improve.  Keep praying for a miracle

I was so impressed with your descritpion of your DH and how he is standing by your side and helping you especially in such a complicated situation.  You chose well!  I know at times in the past you have wondered whether he could really handle the situation with your DD but it seems that he really stepped up to the plate.  You must be so grateful for that small miracle. Hoping to hear of other ones coming you way soon   

6

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you've done exactly the right things and I really hope that someone starts listening to you and your DH. That "this is a family communication issue' answer drives me nuts... .

[hopeangel]

Ramtamtay, I just wanted to say that Im SO hoping things improve for you soon! 

I have been through similar times but without the arrest, we have had the

angry tantrums, the wild animal behaviour, police acting like its just family issues, and the suicide threats and cutting. Medical staff were always very surprised how much we cared and looked at us puzzled at first meetings because dd made out we were monsters who had hurt her!

DD drove myself and my son out of our home in terror one day whilst she trashed our apartment, luckily she called herself an ambulance that day as we were too afraid to return indoors with her rage.  She drove me out of there another time and ran away a few times overnight.

We have sat in hospitals overnight with her whilst nobody knew what to do with her, and like yourself couldn't go home because she was a minor.  Our business was ruined by the chaos BUT... .

... .after hitting a few 'rock bottoms' we slowly and steadily made the climb upwards to the functional life we have today, its not perfect but it improves year upon year and its so stable now we've rebuilt the business!  I have to say truly we are coping and dd is really not so bad, it helps now we know what's wrong and she accepts it now and tries hard to get better.

I just want you to know that if you hang in there through the dark time there IS light at the end.

Im SO sorry you are in the dark place right now but please have hope for the future!  When I was in your place I didn't see any hope but now I see how much we have improved and we move forward all the time! Your life will improve also, this isn't it! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

raytamtay,

I just read this thread.  Wow, I am so sorry for all that you are going through with your dd.  Hopefully, the courts will assign an RTC.  You are doing great job trying to get your dd into treatment.  I know that it must be heartbreaking. 

You, husband, and daughter are in my prayers.

peaceplease

[scarednafraid]

My heart goes out to you.  My daughter recently went to jail too.  She's 16.  This is her 3rd arrest.  The second one, she did like your DD and was nasty and awful towards LE.  It's pretty scary stuff.  I do hope things work well and that the courts will be a good resource for you and your daughter.  I've been there and I now know there are no easy answers.  It's like driving through a tunnel and sometimes catching glimpses of light. 

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone. She is at a behavorial health center since last night. At least now I know she is at a safe place (hopefully).  I love how the social worker at the hospital I was staying at prior to DD being transferred over to the BHC tried to make me feel guilty by saying that the facility just wanted to let me know that DD wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving.  I told them I know. But truth be told, she wouldn't have been home anyway. She much rather be out getting high with her friends than spending time with family as she proved just recently by blowing off her brother's 6th Birthday party, a halloween party and her dying grandmother's birthday party. It was a nice try on their part though.

DD is upset with me which is expected. Told me she hoped I'd get in a car accident and die when we were heading to the BHC. Refused to see me before I left her there, etc. I'm to the point where it doesn't phase me anymore.

I'm also to the point where I am seriously considering calling CPS to have her removed from the home after this stint as I just cannot do this anymore. It's affecting my job, my DH's job, my DS6, etc. It needs to end.

[Matt]

I think it will be good to at least find out what options you have - letting her live with you or some other arrangement.

Then you will be in a position to state a boundary:  "You can live with us if X, Y and Z.  But if those don't happen you will live at this other place."

I had to do that, and it was very hard, but now my son says it was the right thing to do - since he has been clean and sober he gets it.  As long as your daughter is using - and I mean clean and sober for quite a while - as long as she is using, you can't let anything she says affect you much.  Everything she says and does is driven by the drugs (including alcohol).  She is all about her own immediate needs and wants, so you won't be able to reason with her.

Is there a residential treatment center available?

[raytamtay3]

I think it will be good to at least find out what options you have - letting her live with you or some other arrangement.

Then you will be in a position to state a boundary:  "You can live with us if X, Y and Z.  But if those don't happen you will live at this other place."

I had to do that, and it was very hard, but now my son says it was the right thing to do - since he has been clean and sober he gets it.  As long as your daughter is using - and I mean clean and sober for quite a while - as long as she is using, you can't let anything she says affect you much.  Everything she says and does is driven by the drugs (including alcohol).  She is all about her own immediate needs and wants, so you won't be able to reason with her.

Is there a residential treatment center available?

Our caseworker and her supervisor are in discussions about the next step. They think if DD continues to exhibit poor behaviour at the facility, it will make it easier for them to push for out of home placement whether that be RTC or a group home.  I've decided that I will not be calling DD for a few days. I also have it set up where she cannot call out as the BHC said they have no control over who she calls. So I'm putting a restriction on outgoing calls so she cannot reach out to her "friends". Which means she cannot even call me. We have her on camera dealing b/t/w/ Just viewed it alst night. Shows two boys with their hoddies pulled over their faces getting a bag of pills ofus. .her at our front door.  What a mess.  Oh and as far as giving her the option of doing x, y, z in order to remain in the home, we've tried that too and it's failed. She knew the potential was there as I've told her on numerous occassions that if I cannot control her and her father cannot control her that the state was going to have to come in and take her. By now you'd think she'd take my threats seriously as I follow through on what I say.  My DD does not care. Period. And that attitude was way before drug use too.

I know this all probably sounds cold. But I have to put on this facade; to "act" like I'm strong and pretend it's not killing me just to get through it. And I am all about tough love if it means at least trying to save my DD. At any and all cost. And not only my DD, but my DS, my marriage and my job. Oh and sanity would be a bonus.

I've been a pushover far too long.

[Matt]

Dealing is a serious crime of course - my son did that too - and doing it on your property puts you at high risk.  I'm not a lawyer, but I think in the US the government can do almost anything they want if they can connect you with drugs, even if you had nothing to do with it and someone else was doing it on your property.  So you have good reason not to let her on your property til you are convinced she is going to act right.

My suggestion about boundaries is not, "You can come and live with us if you promise to do X, Y and Z."  It's "Once you have done X, Y, and Z, and haven't done anything hurtful to yourself or anyone else for several months, then let's talk about you living with us.  For example, X might be "Pass random drug tests for six straight months."  Y might be "Complete a six-month residential treatment program with good reports from the staff."  Etc.

There is hope.  How she is now may not be how she always is.  But it will be a long path.  I think getting distance - like no contact with her for a few days or even weeks - is a very good idea.  When my son went to rehab, the staff said no contact with family for a few weeks - maybe 30 days or so - and after that very limited - one letter a week, one phone call a week - then later one visit a week.  It's good to make sure she knows you love her, but she needs to deal with her issues, and staying very involved with you may make that harder for her.

[raytamtay3]

Dealing is a serious crime of course - my son did that too - and doing it on your property puts you at high risk.  I'm not a lawyer, but I think in the US the government can do almost anything they want if they can connect you with drugs, even if you had nothing to do with it and someone else was doing it on your property.  So you have good reason not to let her on your property til you are convinced she is going to act right.

My suggestion about boundaries is not, "You can come and live with us if you promise to do X, Y and Z."  It's "Once you have done X, Y, and Z, and haven't done anything hurtful to yourself or anyone else for several months, then let's talk about you living with us.  For example, X might be "Pass random drug tests for six straight months."  Y might be "Complete a six-month residential treatment program with good reports from the staff."  Etc.

There is hope.  How she is now may not be how she always is.  But it will be a long path.  I think getting distance - like no contact with her for a few days or even weeks - is a very good idea.  When my son went to rehab, the staff said no contact with family for a few weeks - maybe 30 days or so - and after that very limited - one letter a week, one phone call a week - then later one visit a week.  It's good to make sure she knows you love her, but she needs to deal with her issues, and staying very involved with you may make that harder for her.

Thanks Matt. It's nice to finally converse with someone who gets it. I'm in striclty business mode with DD. And that is subject to change with or without notice, so bear with my roller coaster ride.

[raytamtay3]

Have a nice Thanksgiving everyone! I'm outta here (work). 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Raytamtay,

I just read this thread... .I am sorry it's been such a rough journey... .

You are doing your best under the circumstances. You need to find some footing and stability for yourself and your family. Hopefully now that dd is in care of others, you will get that chance and hopefully she will get a chance at a good RTC... .

Hoping for you.