Adult daughter always needs money from us

[hopeangel]

Hi 

I wonder if anyone could offer me some advice on how to delicately handle this situation?

My daughter 21 has BPD, diagnosed two years ago after a huge mental breakdown following the deaths of my parents.

Her real father is very strange and doesn't bother much - he moved to france when she was small.

My now husband is great and learns and helps all he can with the BPD issues as I do!

We cope fairly well but we've been through hell as Im sure you know, and its only the past year things have improved as my dd accepted her diagnosis and does all she can to help herself and tries to get along with us when she is capable.

Its so hard without my mum as she was a teacher and expert at child psycology (cant spell it) so would have been a great support, as she always was.

We muddle along but this issue seems so tricky I do need some advice.  Basically she wants me to pay for EVERYTHING.

She lives alone as she wont live with us and Im glad really as when she rages its terrifying and we need to take her home and all calm down.

She cant hold down college which is sad because she is very academic but its been too much pressure for her.  I feel so sorry for her about all these things and her day to day struggles that I have paid for far too much (example she would ask me for hair extensions - I would say 'oh dear I cant afford it' she would then say her self esteem depended on having them so I would fork out £200.  She also regularly needs her bills paying and I also give her £20 a week extra for food (she's on the sick).

This is not great because I really cant afford it but I would HATE her to go hungry which she has told me she has done at times (when I was trying to be strong and implement boundaries about it!)  I cant bear for her to be hungry but then I do know she sometimes wastes money on nonsense.

I have run up debt to support her and I am very afraid for the future financially!  I have told her that the £20 a week for food is all I can afford but Im not sure I can stick to it I really when she expects more.  We work long hours in our own business and cant do any more work than this to generate more income!

Please can anyone advise me?

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeangel]

um sorry folks my entire post justified to the right and im not sure why!

[Rapt Reader]

um sorry folks my entire post justified to the right and im not sure why!

Hi, hopeangel & 

First, as far as the post movement, that does happen on my laptop from time to time on this site, and I just keep refreshing the page till it justifies back to the left margin; don't know why it happens, but that's how I "fix" it 

I'm really sorry for all the stress and trauma your relationship with your daughter is causing your family; it's a rough ride until she gets the treatment she needs (she's on a Waiting List, right? I got that from one of your posts on the New Member Board). Hang in there, hopeangel... .If she is accepting of her diagnosis, and is willing to get treatment and then go through with it, she could get much better at dealing with her emotions and her life, and things could get easier for your whole family.

Have you had the chance to click on the links to the right-hand margin of this page? There is lots of wonderful information that can help you better  understand the way her mind works, and tools and techniques you can learn to better communicate with her to make things easier for all of you. Please take the time (if you haven't already) to check out those links... .Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth have been particularly helpful to me in dealing with BPD adult son (36).

When it comes to the money (and after treatment, her problems with needing so much from you could likely change), if you used the techniques you can learn in those 2 links above, you conversation with her could go like this:

S=Support: "Oh, honey... .I know that you feel that you really must have the money for _____, and that you think it would make you feel better, and be happier (or whatever she thinks her need is)."

E=Empathy: "Sometimes I feel like if I could just have this one thing (or do this one thing, etc.) that my life would be so much better, and that I would be very happy with that. I really know how you feel!"

T=Truth: "The truth is that we are on a pretty tight budget, and I've figured in the money you need for food, and I have no problem at all with that. But we just don't have the surplus available for extras; even your Stepdad and I don't spend money on ourselves for extras... .right now we have to stick to our budget... ."

This, of course, is just an outline and example of how this works, but in order to communicate in a way our BPD kids can understand and relate to, and to have them react in a non-raging manner, S.E.T. is a life saver! You can, of course, change the sentences to fit your specific situation, but this is how it works. At least, it works with me and many other posters on this site.

Please keep posting on this Board, hopeangel, and ask your questions--and read, read, read all you can (click the links to the right margin like your life depends on it!); it really will help! We're here for you, and look forward to hearing more from you 

[hopeangel]

Thanks so much Rapt Reader that is just the sort of advice I need!

I just need to learn to protect our situation without causing her pain!

Thank you! x

[Rapt Reader]

Great, hopeangel  

Do you have any idea of when your daughter's treatment is supposed to start? Is DBT part of it? She's been diagnosed, right? So, does she have a Therapist or Psychiatrist or Counselor? There are lots of things you, yourself, can learn and make changes with, regarding your relationship with her, that can keep her more centered and optimistic while waiting for her treatment to begin... .

Let us know what you think of the educational materials, and how you make out. We're rooting for you  

[Kate4queen]

You're giving in to her out of fear that she'll hurt herself but you're hurting yourself even more in the process. How long can you go on doing this?

My Dh and I sat down and worked out how much money we were prepared to give to our BPD son-which covered all his basic needs (we also pay rent for him and his brother's apt). We also knew that this money had to be given with no strings attached-either way. We told him in writing what we were prepared to give him.

It was hard the first time our son called demanding we give him the money to fix his car and we referred him back to our original agreement and said no. He raged and screamed, but you know what? He managed to get a loan and get the car fixed.

When he threatens to hurt himself if we won't do 'X" we remind him that we love him but that he needs to take care of himself and advise him to consult a professional if he feels he will self-harm.

I'm not saying this is easy, but we had to reclaim our lives and stop giving in to the circle of fear, obligation and guilt. he had to start taking some responsibility for his life choices for himself.

Do you have anyone you and your DH can talk to about this? A therapist can help you set boundaries of your own. You don't deserve to live like this either.

And let's be honest, whatever you give your dd like my son, it will never be enough because they are a black hole of emotional need.

[hopeangel]

Thanks Kateforqueen!

We have no therapist and I have been trying to ask her CPN(s) about these things (and others) for years and, while they would say a few things they would also say things like 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you really as I am here for dd not you and she does not want us to be in contact'.

Now in the end I had to say 'well I cannot go on supporting her without any guidance from anyone at all, I do not know the correct things to do!'

This did finally result in my getting a support worker in June this year, who is there for the parents, he is very knowledgable and can find out things like what treatments she is to be given and how far along the waiting list she is.  This has been invaluable in helping us to cope. He will also be able to warn us when she is likely to be triggered and how to try to divert this if possible.

I have asked how to deal with the money issue and he was great in that he said we must set our boundaries and expect a rough ride until it settles down again.  This is the first time Ive heard a sensible solution from anyone at all.

I have asked her CPN workers in the past and they mainly vaguely encouraged me to carry on with it and when I told them we were getting into debt with it they didn't have any advice for me really, except that one said it was inappropriate for us to be discussing it with him! (Fantastic! this was when I hadn't my own support worker!)

I am going to try SET the next time she asks me for anything outside of the £20 a week.

We are going to try to limit her demands at Christmas too, so its just a similar amount to what we spend on the other two (son19 and stepson22).

Im a bit worried though, she was in crisis last weekend, she always seems somewhat worse when its getting to winter around this time of year. 

[psychik]

Hopeangel -

I really feel for you and your daughter's situation.  I remember when my D started having major issues with BPD at the age of 18 we were her personal ATM.  Couldn't talk to therapist about her to help her because she was an adult.  Really made us feel lost with no way to help her.  It is such a harsh reality to go from being in control of your child's well being (for the most part) up to the age of 18 ... .to complete hands off - they're an adult.  Especially,  when they are struggling with mental health issues. 

My T at the time, really encouraged us to cut off the financial strings to her.  It was terrifying for me to have to tell my D no.  It's our job to take care of them right?  I had to realize that coddling her money wasting was not helping her. There was no end to the lies my d would tell us to get us to give her money. 

For example, we paid 750. a month for a dorm room at college, and then extra money every month for food.  She had a food card that allowed her to eat anytime from any dorm on campus... .but she said the food made her sick. 

The reality:  she had moved in with bf and was not even living in her dorm.  Had her dorm mate lie to us about where she was for a whole year!  9000. for an empty bed. 

I realized eventually she could not make sensible money decisions, I had to make them.  Whether because of age immaturity or her BPD she just could't process not wasting money.  It was not easy. My T assured me, my D would rage at first, but then find a way to take care of herself.  She did.  Both. 

Every time I saw her, I sent a bag of groceries with her.  I actually kept a bag of non perishables by the door, just in case I saw her unexpectedly. I felt better if I knew she had a bag of ravioli and tuna, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.     

It is so hard telling them no.  As parent's we don't want them to struggle.  We want them to live well.  No parent wants to hear their child has not eaten.  The S.E.T communication hopefully will help you be able to set boundaries for her and you can give her enough to make sure she is safe and fed.  I so feel for you and am sending you both lots of light and love.

[hopeangel]

Thanks so much Psychik!

Your story is so helpful to me!  Your daughter is so similar to mine!

I love the idea of giving her actual groceries!  That is worth a try thank you!  I often find out she has had a night out on the money I gave her for bills etc!

I think its time for a bit of tough love!

Thank you! 

[hopeangel]

Hi Rapt Reader!

Thank you!  I am absolutely loving the educational material its exactly what I (we all) need! 

I know one thing and that is anyone suffering with a BPD child will have such a need to become VERY good a these techniques and that is my intention too!

My dd is on the waiting list for (I think) DBT and apparently her time is near so hopefully in the next few weeks she will be able to start!

The college will not accept her again until she has had T because it is a wasted place each time!

I should also add re the money situation that my dd genuinely believes that she has no financial help and budgets her money to perfection.  She often tells me she has told people how she lives all by herself and manages her own money so well!  Its all I can do not to laugh out loud!

Thank for all these replies they are so very helpful! 

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, hopeangel, I'm so very glad that the information on this site is being helpful to you; where would we be without some sort of guidance and support? I know that I would not be watching my son's (painstakingly deliberate and sometimes slow) progress as calmly as I am at this point 

I am very happy that your daughter will be getting DBT training, and I think the new few weeks while you are waiting for her therapy to start will go a lot better now that you are here and learning and applying the tools and techniques. Just don't give up or be deterred if it ever feels like two steps forward and one step back; sometimes that is really exactly how it feels. We've all been there... .

Is your daughter excited about going back to college? If so, then hopefully that will motivate her to go to therapy, be open-minded about it, and to stick to it. Good luck! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders