From Black To White In 1 hour

[Turkish]

Rehashing her getting mad at me not sorting S3's pajamas so she could easily find a matching set (truth be told, we have about 3 matching sets... .we usually give put on the shirt that night which he will wear into the next day after bath time)... .she came back an hour later all sweet because she wanted to go run in the morning, and for me to take the kids. It was strange since I was going to take them anyway.

I came across this snippet from an old thread:

"My wife never loved me. She formed an attachment with me based on her needs ... .  pwBPD are intensely attached but this is not love as we understand it

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160374.0


What we find in so many clinical overviews of the attachment process that is typical of pwBPD is precisely that, and using another person to try to create a self, attaching to human beings only to satisfy one's own deformed psychic needs isn't, in my opinion, anything we could call "love." I'm with MJJ; it's not real love as we understand it.

As you've perhaps seen in other accounts, "a Borderline will never see you as a whole person"; in a very literal sense, they are usually largely incapable of perceiving others as anything but objects for use in those various internal psychic machinations.

Intersubjectivity (hence, love) can, by definition, only occur between two _selves_; since pwBPD don't, in a sense, have a working self, they aren't capable of intersubjectivity. They can *need* you, quite desperately - but perhaps not unlike someone with a lung ailment needs an oxygen tank, or an amputee their prosthetic. Need doesn't equal love.

That persistent questioning of whether the love was real that can dog nons for an appreciable period of time post-detachment is, as you've seen, very common, and is a natural reaction to the surreal experience of involvement with a pwBPD. Particularly given how instantaneously so many of them go from gushing, hyperbolic "You're the love of my life!" to an absolute blank stare the second the relationship ends. (The 'love lightswitch' as it's sometimes referred to on the boards.)

Many people I've spoken with find accepting that their BPD ex didn't really love them to be one of the most painful hurdles in the recovery process, but others have expressed that once they realized the love was just an illusion, they experienced a freedom and a substantive advance toward full emotional detachment/release.

I know we know this, but my take is that I became the object of her rage/anger. Then after she talked to her idiot, she needed something from me so painted me white again. I guess as long as she realizes she is disordered and doesn't want the responsibility of taking the kids on full time, I should probably be ok in the long run, even if part of her views the kids as objects to fill her need for unconditional love and affection.

[HarmKrakow]

In 1 hour? I think my record would be around 2/3 minutes. We were both in the apartment in Krakow looking for the keys and she went complete berserk on me how I always forget and lose everything, how detrimental I am and how she wonders that she is still with me and how amazed she is by that. With a serious rage and fury in her eyes. Until the moment she found the keys (we needed to lock the flat) she went all hugging and being nice to me how we were going to do shopping and how amazing the city (krakow) is. Bladiebla...

Interesting, also what is stated here by; Many people I've spoken with find accepting that their BPD ex didn't really love them to be one of the most painful hurdles in the recovery process, but others have expressed that once they realized the love was just an illusion, they experienced a freedom and a substantive advance toward full emotional detachment/release. could easily hurt some people on this forum who might go running to a moderator because they feel someone stepped on their toes! The interesting part here is that they still feel hurt (in my opinion) although it's quite obvious (is it not?) what has happened

Btw, would you not say that part of the disorder, the essential characteristics of it, is that one would not consider themselves as having severe issues? Especially for the truly high-functioning pwBPDs? Of course most of them realize something is of, but I have not read a lot of stories that they found themselves so sick that they needed help. Often the biggest difference between the pwBPD and the people on this forum.

I fully agree on the 'becoming the object' of her rage and anger. It's another typical characteristic of this mental disease. Only the person who is emotionally the closest to her, gets hit by the frying pan (so to say) while the others think you 2 have the most amazing r/s . This illness never stops amazing me :P

[Turkish]

In 1 hour? I think my record would be around 2/3 minutes. We were both in the apartment in Krakow looking for the keys and she went complete berserk on me how I always forget and lose everything, how detrimental I am and how she wonders that she is still with me and how amazed she is by that. With a serious rage and fury in her eyes. Until the moment she found the keys (we needed to lock the flat) she went all hugging and being nice to me how we were going to do shopping and how amazing the city (krakow) is. Bladiebla...

Yes, well, there have been plenty of those. Like when we went for our last family portrait ever and she started raging because I changed S3's pants... .and many, many more. Like when I got her the wrong color ipad cover last year for Christmas, which "proved" I didn't love her... .despite getting her the freaking ipad. In face time last night, it was about a few minutes, I put S3 to bed. She talked on phone for 40 mins. Then came in all sweet (I have been sleeping on the extra bed in the kids room except on weekends when I go to sleep after her). She didn't even rage when I told her she had herpes due to her cold sore. I just found it fascinating that she could get triggered by the pajamas... .and to be fair, she might have already been frustrated since I had just walked in the door, but not by me accusing her of deviancy. She stayed sweet until we concluded that I was going to meet her needs this morning. I just got a nice text from her, she is picking up something at the store for me she remembered I needed. It is very weird, but oddly fascinating to me, this BPD.

Btw, would you not say that part of the disorder, the essential characteristics of it, is that one would not consider themselves as having severe issues? Especially for the truly high-functioning pwBPDs? Of course most of them realize something is of, but I have not read a lot of stories that they found themselves so sick that they needed help. Often the biggest difference between the pwBPD and the people on this forum.

Mine knows she is sick, but she is compelled to not face it. Being "loved" feels too good since she has found my replacement. And her T only ever diagnosed her with Depression, which is a common mask for the underlying PD.

I fully agree on the 'becoming the object' of her rage and anger. It's another typical characteristic of this mental disease. Only the person who is emotionally the closest to her, gets hit by the frying pan (so to say) while the others think you 2 have the most amazing r/s . This illness never stops amazing me :P

I hope to have her out so he gets it... .she told me the other night he has already noticed her getting angry. He probably chalks it up to stress (true... .in a sense), but if she is already showing this in front of her paramour, poor him! But he freaking deserves everything that's coming to him. I expect the late night text or call later on when she goes into suicide ideation. If I have the kids, I'll shovel it her family's way. No more rescuing, even the mother of my children.