The agony of living close by

[BlueCat]

Argh! Ok, I'm being very, very vague, but

my daughter and I volunteer at a location. We're at this location at least once a week, sometimes more. Not a huge amount of time each time, but we are physically there often. I really really enjoy being involved in this and helping my daughter with her interest there (she's thinking of making this a career). It's been a great joy to me these past few months.

And today I just found out that my sister (who I don't speak to) is thinking of having her son attend this location regularly.

ARGH.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know I go there, this is totally fate messing with me. We live (literally) 3 miles from each other and I hate it. It's bad enough I have to see her at Christmas and birthdays but we live so close that things like this happen. I've already run into her in a store.

I wish we could move. Money and the economy prevent it right now, but someday I'll get away. I know I have to do the main work in my head and heart, I know that, but living 3 freaking miles from my mother and sister doesn't exactly help.

Sigh.

[Marcia]

 I have to admit, my FOO is geographically spread out, which does help! I helped my elderly BPD mom to live near us in a beautiful retirement community four years ago, but she moved out and 8 hours away to the old home town after two years, even though she seemed to be doing fine here, and there was no family to help her there. She just got mad over various perceived slights and stormed out. In this final tantrum she targeted my husband and sons for some serious accusations... .so, upshot has been NC. Which, we have had at least twice before, over a 37 year span.

Sad to say, but I think that people with this problem are determined to create fights and turmoil. Maybe you should stick it out for awhile, they may drop the involvement... .but you may have to consider a different place to volunteer... .Hate to be such a dreary realist, just been beating my head against the wall a loong time. I really do feel for you, though. It can be so frustrating and discouraging. Good luck to you guys!

[redroom]

Is the nephew an adult or a minor?  If he's a little bit older, he may be on to the fact that something's not right with his mom.  Well, one can hope, at least.  My sister's almost 30 and still hasn't "caught on".   

I'm V,VLC (very, very low contact), and I moved 5 hours away about a decade ago.  I remember twice in the last 5 years (when uNPDf was still alive) I've had to make a trip that would take me through their city, and I was too freaked out by it to even stop for gas or food as I drove through.  It brought back this horror that I didn't know was still there. 

Being pretty far away from them does help, and I am so glad that I left them behind, but I didn't have anything else tying me to that geographical region.  It was a really easy move. 

But when I did live in the same area, I dealt with some similar stuff.  I just happened to do an internship with an elderly good friend of the family, and she'd sometimes talk to me about them.  I let her know, very politely, that conversations about them were off limits.  I'm, of course, assuming that your nephew has a certain level of social sophistication. 

This could be a good opportunity, though, for him to see that you and your daughter aren't the people your sister make you out to be.  It could be a wake-up call for him.  I'm optimistic to a fault, but maybe when he sees that you're competent, trustworthy, and an actual person who interacts well with people who aren't his mom, something might click.  Your BPD sister won't get it, but the nephew might. 

[BlueCat]

He's very, very young. So young he probably doesn't even know who I am now that he only sees me at holidays. From what I can see so far she's a good mother at least. I do hope that for her own kids she has stopped the cycle of abuse. She doesn't like any other kids (at all) but so far at least, she's good with hers. I know a lot of people here say their abuse started when they hit puberty and started growing, but our mother was abusive from the beginning, so at least my sister is not repeating that.

Yeah, it wouldn't be an easy move for me. I don't know if it's just me or if it's growing up with the mental and emotional abuse I had but I don't make friends easily. I'm shy and awkward in person. It's been slow going but I finally (in my mid 40's) feel like I have real friends. Plus of course both kids have their lives here. So even if we did have the money to move, I'd still have to think hard about it.

But you know, I could at least move, say 10 miles from them instead of 3. I think that would make a difference.

There are three houses for sale on our block and no takers though. Yeah, sometimes actually owning a house isn't great. One of my friends moved a year ago and after trying to sell the house for half a year they finally just rented it out.

[larmieq]

Maybe this is a disguised opportunity for you to plant some seeds with your nephew.  One that there is a healthier way to look at life. And two, that you are not what your sister says.

I know for me, as a child, there were some adults in my life that were my rock.  My paternal grandmother stayed involved with me and planted seeds for a different way to look at, and interact in life.  My girl scout leader always welcomed me, even though my mom did her crazy making magic with her.  I will always be grateful for these two adults.  I used them as model for how I wanted my adult life to be.