Golden Child vs. Scapegoat

[Depression = 72% of members]

Who here was the scapegoat child?

This was me. My mother HATED/HATES me! I was always blamed for all the things that went wrong in her life. Literally everything. She was extremely abusive (emotionally, verbally, and sometimes - though rarely - physically).

To this day (i am a 25 year old wife and mother of two), I still deal with guilt issues. I often find myself feeling like I don't measure up. I apologize A LOT for things that need no apology and for things I'm not responsible for.

Anyone else relate?

[Alwaysgrowing]

Who here was the scapegoat child?

This was me. My mother HATED/HATES me! I was always blamed for all the things that went wrong in her life. Literally everything. She was extremely abusive (emotionally, verbally, and sometimes - though rarely - physically).

To this day (i am a 25 year old wife and mother of two), I still deal with guilt issues. I often find myself feeling like I don't measure up. I apologize A LOT for things that need no apology and for things I'm not responsible for.

Anyone else relate?

[Contradancer]

I was.  I used to believe that it was because my mother was ashamed of her ethnicity (which she is) and I was the wrong color while my brother was fair-skinned and blonde.  Now, I realize it is a very small part of the problem.  Her behavior hurt and confused me.

I've grown a spine and enough self-esteem that I don't take responsibility for her bad behavior, neither do I apologize for it. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty unless it's something you've actually done wrong. Don't apologize when she's wrong.

Best wishes.

[MovingOnInMyLife]

Yes, I can relate. I was for sure the blackened child (or scapegoat). Still am.

I truly felt as if my mother HATED me when I was growing up. (At times I still feel she hates me.) Her rage toward me was incredible. I have only one other sibling - a sister 11 months younger than I. She was the favorite - golden child - could do no wrong.

I was thinking about this the other night; my teen behaviors compared with my sister's teen behaviors. I never did drugs - didn't even experiment. My sister was doing marijuana, ecstasy, and later meth. I had one boyfriend in high school. We started dating our sophomore year and waited almost a year to have sex (lose our virginity to each other). We continued to date in our junior and senior years. I never dated anyone but him. Yet, my sister "pulled a train" in high school - (had sex with numerous guys in one night). I got almost straight A's, never failed a class, and never got in trouble at school. My sister failed numerous classes and had to make up credits in summer school. It seemed her teachers were always calling about issues. I never did anything illegal. My sister started stealing from department stores in about 9th grade and continued throughout high school.

Yet, I was the "bad" kid. Interesting. I never thought of it that objectively until the other day. If you can believe it, I always just accepted that I was bad and she was good.

Now, here we are at age 39 and 38. It's interesting how we turned out.

My sister and I both joined the military right after graduating from high school. I did 7 years active duty and left honorably discharged as a Staff Sergeant (E-6). I completed by Bachelor's Degree and Master's Degree while on active duty. I am married, own a home, and have an excellent career making a very good salary. My sister didn't make it through her 4 year commitment; she was dishonorably discharged due to drug use; I think she might have made it to E-3 but they stripped her rank when she was caught with drugs. She lost her GI Bill and ability to use her VA loan. She has no career, is currently unemployed, she's never bought a house, and she's married to an abusive man. She has two children, and one of our family members is about to call CPS on her. She lives in extreme poverty, and gets high every single day. She did finish her Bachelor's Degree a few years ago. It took her 8 years to finish even though she didn't have a job while going to school. But, yes, she did accomplish that. Different family members and welfare paid for her degree for her. When she graduated, my mom threw a huge celebration party for her and she got numerous gifts from different family members such as a new laptop and a trip to Italy. When I finished my BA, I didn't any acknowledgement of my accomplish let alone a gift or a party. Same thing when I finished my MS - not even a card. I didn't need that from my mom but it is interesting to compare my sister and I.

To read my mom's posts on Facebook, you'd think my sister is the child that turned out great. It is really shocking. When I make comments about the success of my career or how hard I worked to get through college while working full time, my mom is silent. I can feel her jealous, envy or disgust. She changes the subject very quickly. She absolutely CANNOT acknowledge my "goodness" or accomplishments.

After a while, it becomes amusing.

But I know deep down there is still a lot of pain inside me about that.

So, yes, I can relate.

[Contradancer]

I wonder sometimes if that pain ever goes away.  At least remember that you are good and worthy, but remember that this is more about your family's dysfunction than who they portray you as.

[DhammaGal]

Unfortunately I can relate.

I was the scapegoat... .my sister, 4 years younger, was the golden child.

I assumed it was because she was more beautiful, did better in school, was more "popular", and did better in sports.  I mean from an outsiders perspective, she was "perfect".  Maybe my mom though she'd get more attention from my sister's accomplishments, I don't know.  Or I think it could have been a reflection of her own relationship with her older (twin) sister, and she was projecting it onto us.

Either way, it sucked.  And it still sucks.

Just the other day my mom made some blanket statement about how I was always mean to my sister when we were little (this is soo far from the truth!).  Both my sister and I instantly disagreed stating that I always took such good care of her, and that Sarah was the one who chased me around the kitchen with steak knives!  My mom didn't even respond.

Ugh.  I know how you feel.

[Contradancer]

DhammaGal, you're probably right about who your Mom thought made her look good being the favorite. 

When my grandmother died my mother stated that she knew her mother loved her because she always asked what my brother and I were doing.  I remember thinking that was sick thinking.  Guess I was right.

[WiseMind]

It sometimes varies, but for the most part I am the Scapegoat/black sheep. I have had a difficult time coming to terms with it and blamed myself for years (I am 37). I am finally, through therapy, learning that it is NOT me and I am a good person. I feel for all of you fellow scapegoats/black sheep. 

- WM

[WiseMind]

Just the other day my mom made some blanket statement about how I was always mean to my sister when we were little (this is soo far from the truth!).  Both my sister and I instantly disagreed stating that I always took such good care of her, and that Sarah was the one who chased me around the kitchen with steak knives!  My mom didn't even respond.

My mom revises history ALL the time. I ignore it now - I find it is too consuming/toxic to get into it with her.

[livednlearned]

To read my mom's posts on Facebook, you'd think my sister is the child that turned out great. It is really shocking. When I make comments about the success of my career or how hard I worked to get through college while working full time, my mom is silent. I can feel her jealous, envy or disgust. She changes the subject very quickly. She absolutely CANNOT acknowledge my "goodness" or accomplishments.

After a while, it becomes amusing.

But I know deep down there is still a lot of pain inside me about that.

So, yes, I can relate.

This is so complex. Amusing and painful at the same time sounds mostly painful. Does't it make you feel bitter? What is your r/s like with your mom now? How about with your sister?

I'm just starting this work. To figure out what it means when a parent doesn't like you. What kind of damage that does, and what to do about the relationship.

[GeekyGirl]

I wonder sometimes if that pain ever goes away.  At least remember that you are good and worthy, but remember that this is more about your family's dysfunction than who they portray you as.

This is a good point. You are not who your family thinks you are. What's more important is who you think that you are. It takes a lot of work to let go of that pain, but it's worth the effort.

I'm just starting this work. To figure out what it means when a parent doesn't like you. What kind of damage that does, and what to do about the relationship.

It helped me to see that there's a guide to help define what healing looks like--you can see it in that Survivor's Guide to the right of this page.

--> I call it the "roadmap to healing."

[livednlearned]

I wonder sometimes if that pain ever goes away.  At least remember that you are good and worthy, but remember that this is more about your family's dysfunction than who they portray you as.

This is a good point. You are not who your family thinks you are. What's more important is who you think that you are. It takes a lot of work to let go of that pain, but it's worth the effort.

I'm just starting this work. To figure out what it means when a parent doesn't like you. What kind of damage that does, and what to do about the relationship.

It helped me to see that there's a guide to help define what healing looks like--you can see it in that Survivor's Guide to the right of this page.

--> I call it the "roadmap to healing."

I seem to be stuck on #18 and #19. I think I must not be quite done with #14 if I'm struggling with #18 and #19.

The golden child vs scapegoat dynamic sort of applies to me... .I was the golden child only if I didn't complain or point out hypocrisy, and as long as I supplied narcissistic supply. When I finally figured out  the dynamic and took myself out of the triangle, I was just erased. 

I've been able to figure out what to do with a N/BPD spouse (divorce), but with my father, I find it more confusing. Like I'm back muddling through some of the very same questions I already muddled through with N/BPDx.

It's hard to grieve something that just feels... .numb.

[GeekyGirl]

I seem to be stuck on #18 and #19. I think I must not be quite done with #14 if I'm struggling with #18 and #19.

It's normal to go back and forth or to get stuck in one spot for a while, too. Don't give up. 

I've been able to figure out what to do with a N/BPD spouse (divorce), but with my father, I find it more confusing. Like I'm back muddling through some of the very same questions I already muddled through with N/BPDx.

It's hard to grieve something that just feels... .numb.

It's a different kind of pain when you're dealing with a parent with BPD vs. a spouse or romantic partner. Don't get me wrong--both situations are tough, and there are some strong (and possibly similar) emotions that come in both scenarios. What have you learned from having a N/BPD ex that you could apply to your feelings towards your father? Do you think that the numbness is a way to protect yourself?

[livednlearned]

It's a different kind of pain when you're dealing with a parent with BPD vs. a spouse or romantic partner. Don't get me wrong--both situations are tough, and there are some strong (and possibly similar) emotions that come in both scenarios. What have you learned from having a N/BPD ex that you could apply to your feelings towards your father? Do you think that the numbness is a way to protect yourself?

The numbness isn't welcome, so that would mean I'm protecting myself without wanting to. If that makes sense? That's the hardest part about this, wanting to heal, but then getting stuck. I have had some super deep crying about FOO stuff, and that actually brought lots of relief. But now it's numb. Like there is grief about how I was treated (check), and then grief that the grief doesn't make it all good.

What Movingoninmylife said:

After a while, it becomes amusing.

But I know deep down there is still a lot of pain inside me about that.

The amusing is about what? The mask? Because you can't just keep feeling that much grief all the time? Asking everyone, me included... .

[MovingOnInMyLife]

To read my mom's posts on Facebook, you'd think my sister is the child that turned out great. It is really shocking. When I make comments about the success of my career or how hard I worked to get through college while working full time, my mom is silent. I can feel her jealous, envy or disgust. She changes the subject very quickly. She absolutely CANNOT acknowledge my "goodness" or accomplishments.

After a while, it becomes amusing.

But I know deep down there is still a lot of pain inside me about that.

So, yes, I can relate.

This is so complex. Amusing and painful at the same time sounds mostly painful. Does't it make you feel bitter? What is your r/s like with your mom now? How about with your sister?

I'm just starting this work. To figure out what it means when a parent doesn't like you. What kind of damage that does, and what to do about the relationship.

Yes, I guess that it is mostly painful. Saying it is amusing is probably a defense mechanism. I don't want it to bother me so I pretend it doesn't. Thank you for calling me out on my truth.  . Yes, I do feel bitterness - and it is mostly towards my sister, if you can believe it. I think I have worked out many of my feelings towards my mom. But I haven't worked at all on my feelings about my sister. I think this is because I never realized until recently that I actually do have bad feelings towards her from being resentful for her treatment as the golden child versus my treatment as the blackened child. I think I have a lot of guilt for feeling bitter or resentful towards her. It wasn't her fault, after all. My mom pitted us against each other in way, by treating us so differently.

My relationship with my mom is improved lately. Of course, she lives halfway across the county so I hardly ever see her (just about once a year, on average). My relationship with my sister has always been really good although I hardly ever see her either (she lives in the same state as my mom). But right now, for the first time in our adult lives, my sister and I are in conflict with each other. That's another story.

You mentioned what it means when a parent doesn't like you, and what damage it does. Well, I have come to believe that when a parent doesn't like you, it means they don't like themselves. They are projecting all their dislike of themselves onto you, and seeing their own negative traits in you (imagined), and thus, the scapegoat label. But, it does serious damage. I have been reading some great books lately that are helping with this. One I just finished was called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" and it is about daughters of narcissistic mothers. Very good read. Now I'm reading one called "The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed" and it seems to have a lot of potential to be excellent. (I just started reading it.)

 

[livednlearned]

Yes, I guess that it is mostly painful. Saying it is amusing is probably a defense mechanism. I don't want it to bother me so I pretend it doesn't. Thank you for calling me out on my truth.  . Yes, I do feel bitterness - and it is mostly towards my sister, if you can believe it. I think I have worked out many of my feelings towards my mom. But I haven't worked at all on my feelings about my sister. I think this is because I never realized until recently that I actually do have bad feelings towards her from being resentful for her treatment as the golden child versus my treatment as the blackened child. I think I have a lot of guilt for feeling bitter or resentful towards her. It wasn't her fault, after all. My mom pitted us against each other in way, by treating us so differently.

My dad, as the all-good child, seems trapped. His ego is so brittle, and there is not a lot of emotional depth to him. So much so that I am conflicted about whether he just has narcissistic traits, or whether he is full-blown NPD. It doesn't really matter, except that (having just divorced someone who is dNPD) I wouldn't even bother trying to connect with my dad if he was NPD. No point.

I guess I'm saying this because the damage to the all-good child seems almost harder to heal from, because it is masked as something positive. And it isn't positive at all. It took me falling hard into the darkest, blackest hole of hell to see light. When you're the all-good child, you can't see the darkness because your whole identity is based on being in the light.

Not to excuse your sister, or my dad for that matter. Just realizing that having a BPD parent is damaging, period.

You mentioned what it means when a parent doesn't like you, and what damage it does. Well, I have come to believe that when a parent doesn't like you, it means they don't like themselves. They are projecting all their dislike of themselves onto you, and seeing their own negative traits in you (imagined), and thus, the scapegoat label. But, it does serious damage. I have been reading some great books lately that are helping with this. One I just finished was called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" and it is about daughters of narcissistic mothers. Very good read. Now I'm reading one called "The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed" and it seems to have a lot of potential to be excellent. (I just started reading it.)

It wasn't until I started recognizing that my grandmother was BPD that all this made sense. There aren't as many books about NPD or BPD dads. But then I started to see how he was shaped by BPD, and how that has seeped down through our family, including BPD brother and then me marrying NPD, after dating BPD-ish men.

Changing the script. So glad it's possible 

[Deb13]

Dear Alwaygrowing,

I can relate... .my daughter first identified me as the "scapegoat" as I couldn't even see it.  When my bro was in the hospital w cancer, they wouldnt allow me to see him... .they nicknamed me, "angel of death" as my husband died in 2000, and my dad in 2008 and didn't want me to be near him.  Crazy... .absolutely. They told me they were protecting my SIL from me. That's some deep seeded hatred.   My mom told my sis that she hasnt forgiven me for something I did 35 years ago.  This sounds like a TV series: Dysfunction gone wild!

Someone has to "be" the scapegoat for their emotional immaturity dumping ground.  I found that with an emotionally charged event (a funeral) the scapegoating is amplified.

It's not you... it's them.  Their loss.

[Contradancer]

Deb13, I was just remembering when I was a teen and came down with strep throat.  I was very ill.  My grandmother had come for a visit.  My mother claimed I'd intentionally gotten ill so I could kill my grandmother by making her ill.  My mother would never have made that accusation of my brother or father.  Stuff like this happened a lot.

[Deb13]

Contradancer,

Crazy!  I  thought I was the only one that had this experience. Unbelievable!  I really want to buy them a book on Unconditional Love: The REAL definition!  So sorry for your experience.  This must be a projection from some distorted feeling.  Emotionally immature people have a huge issue with "death" imho.   Wishing you great peace.  D

[Bracken]

That is interesting about the obsession with DEATH

My mother was very depressive - and talked a lot about health complaints and "what if I died".

But she also combined her obsession with death with another obsession - materialism - to talk constantly about WILLS.

Even when we were tiny children - she would talk to me and B about cutting us off in her will, if we offended her. She also ranted on continually, about how she felt that my father's family had cheated him out of his rightful inheritance.

Sure enough - I have been NC with her most of my life - don't even know if she is alive - and so all her constant fantasizing about "cutting me off" came true --

[foodie]

Yes and I would bet most of us here on this forum are the scapegoats.  We really suffered as children.  I am convinced I was not given a fair shot at a normal, healthy development because of it.  Sucks. 

My brother was labelled as "kind, sweet, sensitive, sociable" and I was "temperamental, cold, angry."  And we're still labelled as such to this day.

[Changingman]

I was a really good baby, never cried. Still rarely cry, even when hurt I can "go cold" as I call it.

Scared babies don't cry, I can bury hurt feelings deep inside. Why is this? I have had LT relationships with 2 uBPDs, 14 years and 4 years. Both burnt me in hideous emotional ways.

The last one was so crazy I found out about BPD. I know something about my mother now, it's so messed up, but I feel better about it all.

My children have always thought of me as an amazing Dad and I have always thought they were just being loving and kind to me, they are really good kids. NOT golden child's but real people with the whole spectrum of human traits, I have always loved them unconditionally.

I have appogised to them for everything I felt went wrong and my failures.

But I can see it all now, given what I've had to deal with... .I suspect they are right. They are 14 and 15 and have amazing memories from me. I have managed to give them some protection from their mother, now more than ever.

Telling them that their mother was unable to love was amazing, it all made such perfect sense, to me and them. She buys them and provides for hem and assumes a degree of outward normalicy. She doesn't physically harm them, just emotionally, controlling manipulative, really just doesn't enjoy their company.

She has no friends left, and still acts abusivelly to her new partner in front of our kids and his.

Can't write anymore, I'm crying and it doesn't feel that bad