I was reading the boards this morning and I noticed a common trend... .
those of us who went back for another "dance" with our BPD feels so much guilt and self loathing for having done so.
Why do we beat the crap out of ourselves for being loving, generous and trusting people?
Your relationship is/was toxic. Like any addiction, quitting "cold turkey" is rare. It is hard to quit someone who returns to you, a "wolf in sheeps clothing", hitting triggers within us, bringing our psyches back to times when things were "good", when we first fell in love with them.
Going back means one thing... .
you have
not lost your capacity to "trust".
A lot of people talk on here about not being able to trust again. That is your fear talking. The sheer fact we have taken our exes back time and time again means we trust in something.
Normal people trust. Good people trust. This world is built on a lot of things. Trust is important.
So do not beat yourself up for trusting. Do not self sabbotage yourself that you will never be able to trust again. That is your fear talking. Every time you took your ex back you were actually blowing that theory out of the water anyways:)
The key is this... .we all go through the stages of grieving. Loving a person with BPD we tend to get stuck between "denial and anger". I know I vacillate between the two quite often!
Your un-medicated/treated BPD was not a bad person. This is a person that acts the way they do to SURVIVE. Imagine if you grew up on an island and had never seen another human being. Say someone came along and took you to dinner. You would not know what to do with a knife and fork. You might "mirror" your dinner companion. You might smile back when they smile at you, but everything is foreign. You grew up alone, unloved. Imagine if this person hugged you. You would be confused by it. You might like it, but again, foreign to you. You might misinterpret it as a deep love because you have not felt it before.
You cannot rationalize the thoughts of anyone but yourself.
It's getting to a place of compassion and being able to let go. A place of compassion where you can accept what has happened, figure out why YOU allowed yourself to be treated that way and "live and let go". Wish your ex the best (not in words to them... .God no
but wish them happiness and send them love. You cannot fix them.
You are a person capable of loving someone greatly. In this relationship you became a caregiver. No one was taking care of you. It was a tremendous load and weight but you did it.
I am saying it is time to let someone else help you carry it.
Visit these boards, talk to people on here and read their stories. You are NOT alone.
If you had the capacity to love someone with BPD you have the capacity to let them go with that same compassion of love and respect. When you get to the bare bones of it all, they do not have love or respect for themselves. It is very sad but again, this is not about them, this is about getting YOU back.
You are human and sometimes you will make a decision you will later regret. Do not beat yourself up. Just learn from it and start over. We are very lucky, with each new day we have that opportunity!
Blessings!
