Going NC - Has this ever happened by 'accident' ?

[StarStruck]

Firstly I didn't mean ... .has an accident happened and they've disappeared  , (yes sick sense of humor)

Has VLC ever progressed on its own accord... .cause that what mine SEEMS to be doing.

Could I get away with sending bday cards and never face to face seeing? Just VLC (cards only) forever?

Could my next visit (first in 2 yrs) be the last without saying the formal NC thing.

God thats sounds naive. Any chance?

Any thoughts?

At some point it will raise its head I'm sure. I don't want to rock the boat! Feel I've done pretty well steering the lost boat into paradise. Ok getting carried away but you get my point.

[Sitara]

Mine did in a way.  I didn't tell my mom I didn't want anything to do with her.  We had a big argument and I told my mom what I would like her to work on, but when I asked what she wanted from me, she told me over and over, "I don't know!"  I left the conversation, bluntly saying, "When you figure out what you want from me, you need to call me."  (Stating bluntly I needed her to call me was from a previous issue when she was told to call me, then blamed me for the months of silence because she was waiting for me to "set it up."  I also told her in that same conversation that if she was unable to treat me with respect, it wasn't going to work out.  She came over a couple times to see my kids before we moved, but since we moved I haven't heard from her.

So no, I did not cut my mom off.  The lack of communication has been her choice, because she's either giving me the silent treatment, or unwilling to make the first move (a common theme with her; she prefers to manipulate behind the scenes to force me to make first contact).  However, I expect her to make contact with the holidays coming up (for the kids, not for me).  I feel my boundaries and all my progress will really be put to the test when that occurs, and frankly that freaks me out. 

[Bonus mom]

I don't think that anyone needs necessarily to throw down the gauntlet and say that's it there's no more communication - It can be a natural evolution.

Often there's a specific event that might cause us to move more concretely into no contact, but generally it can just be that you pull yourself away a little more every time you have contact and eventually there's limited or no contact.

[GeekyGirl]

Could I get away with sending bday cards and never face to face seeing? Just VLC (cards only) forever?

Could my next visit (first in 2 yrs) be the last without saying the formal NC thing.

That's really up to you. If that's what you want, you could make it happen. Is that what you want?

So no, I did not cut my mom off.  The lack of communication has been her choice, because she's either giving me the silent treatment, or unwilling to make the first move (a common theme with her; she prefers to manipulate behind the scenes to force me to make first contact).  However, I expect her to make contact with the holidays coming up (for the kids, not for me).  I feel my boundaries and all my progress will really be put to the test when that occurs, and frankly that freaks me out. 

My mother does some of the things that Sitara's mother does. She reverts to the silent treatment when she feels threatened. It's a defense mechanism and it does definitely test your boundaries.

[StarStruck]

Hi  - Many thanks for replies... .


GeekyGirl -

Could I get away with sending bday cards and never face to face seeing? Just VLC (cards only) forever?

Could my next visit (first in 2 yrs) be the last without saying the formal NC thing.

That's really up to you. If that's what you want, you could make it happen. Is that what you want?

It is and it's been so long now I really don't want to rock to boat for Myself. Problem is I feel - is that she hasn't ever met my new partner so not doing that would seem like the huge STAND I'm not looking for but just maybe that shouldn't matter. Given that I don't bank on seeing her after anyway.

My mother does some of the things that Sitara's mother does. She reverts to the silent treatment when she feels threatened. It's a defense mechanism and it does definitely test your boundaries.

Same thing my Mom has always done.

I don't think that anyone needs necessarily to throw down the gauntlet and say that's it there's no more communication - It can be a natural evolution.

Often there's a specific event that might cause us to move more concretely into no contact, but generally it can just be that you pull yourself away a little more every time you have contact and eventually there's limited or no contact.

Thanks Bonus mom - this fits exactly what I've been doing. I will plough on.


Sitara - I think my Mom works in exactly same way as yours.

I feel my boundaries and all my progress will really be put to the test when that occurs, and frankly that freaks me out. 

I feel for you with her thinking she has some sort of way in cause of the children. What will your take be on this... .much of the same or will you have to state boundaries for children etc?

[Sitara]

What will your take be on this... .much of the same or will you have to state boundaries for children etc?

We recently moved cross country so most of the boundaries we set up for the kids aren't possible anymore (such as no overnight stays).  I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to deal with the situation, but most likely I'll allow her to send gifts for now.  I'm more concerned how she's going to behave towards me.  She's the maddest she's ever been at me, so I get the impression it's going to be a very difficult conversation.  But of course they never react quite the way you're expecting so I try not to spend much time really worrying about it much.  I feel that's just wasted energy.

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara

Yea true about the reaction thing. I've found under the radar then they strike. Starts off all quiet and 'normal' though.

Have you ever thought about not allowing her to phone (do u think they'll ever be a time when this could happen)?

I don't think I want a relationship with my Mom when I have children because I don't want her involvement at all. I think it would be too complex for a child to understand. Thinking they would pick up on the weirdness or their mom acting differently.

It's horrible waiting for when you think you have to chat isn't it. Takes away your control somewhat. I have moved recently and would love not to share any of the details. Having a brother, this also has to be managed because he doesn't know have far I've come in fathoming her out.

[Sitara]

Have you ever thought about not allowing her to phone (do u think they'll ever be a time when this could happen)?

I don't know that this will ever be necessary.  She has not contacted me since we've moved.  She's tried getting our address from others, then tells them we won't pick up her phone calls (what phone calls?), but we saw this coming and already asked people who have it not to share.  If she wants my address bad enough, she can talk to me.  I can't really see her having a long distance relationship with my kids that's more than sending gifts on holidays.  Previously she was too busy to do anything on an average day, but when holidays rolled around we were expected to cater to her to fulfill her idea of the perfect holiday.  So I really don't expect more than some gifts for the kids.  They can't read yet, but once they can, all letters and cards will be pre-read, and I won't allow her to talk to them on the phone.  There's always the possibility she won't do anything so she can tell people that I won't allow her to have a relationship with her grandkids.  So as of right now I don't see reason to cut her completely off.  It's unlikely I'll have to deal with more than 2-3 calls a year.

It's horrible waiting for when you think you have to chat isn't it. Takes away your control somewhat.

It's not as bad now that we've moved so far away.  I used to get terrible anxiety before because I never knew if she'd just show up on my door.  But now that she can't do much more than call, I feel like I have more control because I don't have to answer, and if I do and she gets too bad I can just hang up.  I don't really dread it too much, and I try not to worry about it too much.  I just feel I've made so much progress in the last few months, I just worry that one phone call could set me back.  But then there's part of me who wants to see if I can actually put all I learned into practice.

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara

That sounds great for you, that you are far away and doesn't know your address, that must be really reassuring. Thats where Im at, at the moment but mine is expecting it. I will have a think. It might be too much too soon.

Totally understand about the children, makes perfect sense how/why you've done that.

So with the phone number that sounds like you are pretty comfortable with it. Like you say, your choice when you pick up. Due to it being the only contact point I think thats why you may worry; like it's taken more importance than it should, the symbolism of the Phone, building it up. You sound like you have done and doing really well making good choices and knowing what you want. The best time its been, no doubt.

I have a hunch that you are going to be brilliant on the phone, why wouldn't you you've planned for this .

I'm with you about testing,  there being a part of you that wants to test it, thats where I am at too. I know what to do, just have to make sure I don't put myself under pressure, to do it just how I want to.  I reckon I will come away knowing there was a couple of lost opportunities but on the whole I reckon it will go fine. I going try to give myself a break about it, o and not to imagine whats going to happen. Hey we've come so far!

[StarStruck]

Recent name change from missful ! x

[Sitara]

That sounds great for you, that you are far away and doesn't know your address, that must be really reassuring.

It's only for a bit.  I will have to send them mail eventually, but I'm taking some time to just deal with myself before I open that door. 

I going try to give myself a break about it, o and not to imagine whats going to happen. Hey we've come so far!

Good!  I doesn't really do you any good to stress about it.  And we have come far!  Sometimes it helps to remember that on a bad day.