How do I go out alone with confidence

[whirlpoollife]

Not sure if this is personal inventory or dating or both. Here I am referring to days I do not have kids or not work.

I am fine being alone but I can only take so much. I can clean, rearrange, organize my house so much. I need to go out. I 've gone to movies , zoos,  shopping.  But now I want to go out to bar/restaurant to sit and be with other people. To listen to music. I am actually scared to go into a few places here in town but want to. I'm not after a date. (I am months away to signing divorce papers )  As a woman, by herself, how do I go in and sit at a bar but not be a target?  I can't start conversations.

I have the feeling that if I do I am prying into someone's personal life that is none of my business or I give the wrong message

that  I am looking for a one night stand.   

No sympathy just fact, in my marriage past we rarely went out or mingled with friends. Going out was going to his family gatherings. but h went out whenever he pleased. 

I don't have a circle of friends to ask one to go with me. I don't mind going alone but how?

[HarmKrakow]

Not sure if this is personal inventory or dating or both. Here I am referring to days I do not have kids or not work.

I am fine being alone but I can only take so much. I can clean, rearrange, organize my house so much. I need to go out. I 've gone to movies , zoos,  shopping.  But now I want to go out to bar/restaurant to sit and be with other people. To listen to music. I am actually scared to go into a few places here in town but want to. I'm not after a date. (I am months away to signing divorce papers )  As a woman, by herself, how do I go in and sit at a bar but not be a target?  I can't start conversations.

I have the feeling that if I do I am prying into someone's personal life that is none of my business or I give the wrong message

that  I am looking for a one night stand.   

No sympathy just fact, in my marriage past we rarely went out or mingled with friends. Going out was going to his family gatherings. but h went out whenever he pleased. 

I don't have a circle of friends to ask one to go with me. I don't mind going alone but how?

Do you have issues communicating with complete strangers? You can try omegle (the chat function, not the video function). Type in some things you like and who knows. Maybe out of one of the 10 convo's you have, you meet 1 who you can try to have a conversation with

If you feel more comfortable, go out to a club/pub/restaurant of your liking, but do it far away from your home town. No chance of hitting into familiar people and thus the hurdle of approaching others is not that big.

Try to socialize your hobbies. Meaning, go out with people who have the same hobbies.

And eventually when your confidence is higher, go out in your own town

[Cumulus]

Hi, great advice from Harm. I used to travel with my work and like you would want to just get out, hear a little music and listen to people talking. My suggestion would be choose your place carefully and take a book! If I felt uncomfortable sitting by myself I would just pull out a book, didn't have to worry about making eye contact and it made me feel like I had a purpose in sitting for awhile. It's great if a group comes along and you can join up with them. Good for you for getting yourself back out in the world. All the best.

[starshine]

I struggle with this too.  Just this week I went out twice.  I was invited to a private meet and greet for someone running for office next year at a social friend's house.  That was nice and intimate- and no chance of running into the ex.  Another event up at one of the college's in town- again, no chance of running into the ex.  It was fun to be social, and neither setting was a pick-up type setting, although if I HAD met someone cool at either place, I would have been happy to flirt a little.  Going out to any of the bars in my town only ups the chance of me running into my ex or my replacement, or someone who is friendly and sympathetic to them- and all those types of people make me throw up in my mouth, just a little... .I live in a town with a high number of microbreweries and bars, and little else, in the sense of adult fun.  Since I don't drink anymore, it's sort of a bummer to try to figure out what's going on and what can I do to go out and meet new people.  I heard of a place out west that hosted a silent reading party- they had a harp player, and you were invited to bring a book to read while listening.  No conversation.  That sort of sounds like fun to me!  Being social while not having to make banal conversation!  HAH! 

[livednlearned]

You walk in to wherever, like you own the place, then you sit down in your chair, put there specifically for you, and do whatever the hell you want.



What are the places in town that scare you? Can you locate what about them makes you feel that way?

If you do go to a bar as a single woman, chances are high that someone will come and talk to you. If your goal is to mingle with people, there are a bazillion ways to do that. Like join a bunch of people going through a tour of an art gallery or museum. Or look at the boards at your local library to see who is meeting around what topics -- social justice, anime, tai chi, book clubs, you name it, you'll find it. Volunteering is also a good way to learn how to mingle. Habitat for humanity, pet shelters -- what are you interested in? It might take a while to figure out what fits, and what feels right, so decide that you're going to try 5-10 new things in the next 3 months. Look ahead to see what's on the local events calendar.

Another good place to kinda mingle with people is theater. At intermission, you'll be out in the lobby with others. Although, it might not be quite as mingly as, say, going to a coffeehouse to listen to music.

When I was single after divorcing N/BPDx, there was a ukulele guy who would teach people how to play ukulele one night a week, and it was so ridiculously fun! I have no musical talent at all, but by some miracle I actually learned to sound half-way decent by the end of the night, just playing one or two chords while other more experienced people actually made us all sound good. The guy moved away and the classes ended, but it was so much fun!

Going to a bar if you want to hear music, because you like that music -- that's ok. But if what you're looking for is yourself  then maybe start doing a whole bunch of things and seeing how you feel when you do them. Your confidence is going to come from practice, and from realizing that there are so many people out there who feel just like you do.

[fromheeltoheal]

I work for myself out of a home office, and I've felt socially isolated too, even before I met my borderline, and in fact that contributed to my susceptibility.

Personally I don't like bars, although all bars are not alike.  There's the local watering hole full of folks who go there every day, bhit about their lives and drink, not for me.  Then there's a 'club', where folks dress up, dance, and the vibe is that of sexual liaison; fine if you're into that, but I've never been good at it and don't enjoy it.

My favorite kind of 'bar' is the bar in a restaurant.  They always serve a full menu of food at the bar, you can go there to eat which is something to do, and if you pick the right one there are other single people or couples at the bar who you can chat with.  To me sitting at the bar is a lot better than sitting at a table by myself.

But obviously a component of any bar is the alcohol, alcohol is a potent psychoactive drug, and people 'change' when they drink, as we know.  To me that is not a place to make friends and build long term relationships romantic or not.  Your mileage may vary.

My favorite places are coffee shops like Starbucks and small cafes.  They all have free wifi usually, and you can take a laptop and use this site, get some real time coaching maybe, or whatever else, but a computer gives you something to do.  Plus I can work remotely, so I can sit there for hours and get some work done in the presence of other people, and some type of conversation invariable starts, even if I have to start it.

[whirlpoollife]

Thanks to all for the insight, advice, and ideas.  Much needed.  Last night I went out... .to play bingo at a center. 3 hrs. Then on the way home I stopped at a restaurant bar and grill. Its a well established local place. Just never ate there. So I made my self go in.  The bar area had only  four people , two at a table. I ordered a soda and an appetizer. Classy nice place. But they have two bars. I was in the dinner bar and dinner was long over so that is why no one was in there. Before I left I looked in  at  the other bar. Lots of people, younger than me crowd all eyes on me when I opened the door.  I left. I guess that's where you go out with a group not by yourself. 

I haven't seen a paid therapist in year and stopped counseling a few months ago so I consider my night out as therapy. Confidence builder.I am so socially inept I feel like material for a comedian

No Starbucks in my area but the grocery store has a café.  That sounds good , its open till 10. Just enough to take the edge off the loneliness. 

I like live theatre.  It has been awhile and when I do go I will make sure I don't sit in my seat at intermission

At the library there are a couple new things going on that I will be taking the kids to. that's easy because the kids are with me and that  is familiar territory.

(Id type more but my computer keeps freezing)

[livednlearned]

Thanks to all for the insight, advice, and ideas.  Much needed.  Last night I went out... .to play bingo at a center. 3 hrs. Then on the way home I stopped at a restaurant bar and grill. Its a well established local place. Just never ate there. So I made my self go in.  The bar area had only  four people , two at a table. I ordered a soda and an appetizer. Classy nice place. But they have two bars. I was in the dinner bar and dinner was long over so that is why no one was in there. Before I left I looked in  at  the other bar. Lots of people, younger than me crowd all eyes on me when I opened the door.  I left. I guess that's where you go out with a group not by yourself. 

I haven't seen a paid therapist in year and stopped counseling a few months ago so I consider my night out as therapy. Confidence builder.I am so socially inept I feel like material for a comedian

No Starbucks in my area but the grocery store has a café.  That sounds good , its open till 10. Just enough to take the edge off the loneliness. 

I like live theatre.  It has been awhile and when I do go I will make sure I don't sit in my seat at intermission

At the library there are a couple new things going on that I will be taking the kids to. that's easy because the kids are with me and that  is familiar territory.

(Id type more but my computer keeps freezing)

It's so great that you're trying new things! Sometimes it's good to try things a few times too. I joined a church even though I'm not terribly religious. Went to a couple of them in the denomination. The first one felt cold, even though people were friendly. Like they wanted me to join but didn't want to get to know me. The second one fit like a glove. Even though I didn't mingle with people after the service, just bolted like a startled horse, it felt good to be there sitting with people and singing.

It took me a year, but I ended up going to a middle school retreat through the church with S12. That really helped me make connections with people.

You're doing great, whirlpoollife. Bingo and then a dinner bar. Next you'll be singing karaoke with the college kids 

[heartandwhole]

whirlpoollife,

I applaud you!  That is not easy and I think you are doing great. It's a great example for us, and for your daughter, too.

I like going to movies and to lunch alone, but I'd like to one day get up enough nerve to join a partnered dance class, without a partner. 

Keep up the great work.

heart

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Whirlpool, I admire your courage in getting out there on your own.  Why not sign up for an event that other people are likely to attend on their own, too, such as a talk by an author speaking at a bookstore about a new book he/she has written, or an art class that meets at night, or a fundraiser for a local charity, or a meeting for United Way volunteers, or a work-related function, or a school alumni group.  There are as many ways to meet people as there are people, and the trick is figuring out where those interesting people are, which is not always in a local bar.  Lucky Jim

[livednlearned]

P.S.

The big secret is that most people feel socially inept in one way or another. I'm a blurter, for example. And sometimes I just plain don't make sense. I think I start my sentences at the end, when it should be the other way around.

[MammaMia]

Go out where you are comfortable being alone.  Restaurant bars, coffee shops, and book stores are great places to meet people.  Consider attending local singles groups and concerts.

Stay away from bad parts of town and avoid late night activities.  Make sure you park close to the entrance, preferably in a well lit area. Never leave your car unlocked and always carry your cell.  If possible, tell someone where you are going and when you will be home.  Have mace or pepper spray in your handbag.

Most importantly, carry yourself with authority and watch your surroundings.  If you feel anxious... .leave.

Sadly, it IS necessary for women alone to be on guard.

[seeking balance]

It's funny how we send a 5 year old to kindergarten and say make friends and as grown adults it is absolutely terrifying.

Kudos to you for doing it... .risking... .it is hard, but without risk we won't have life change, right?

I have found meetup my best way going it alone.  Having a structure whether outdoor concert or hike seems easier than a bar alone for me.  I have met nice people and realize most of us are nervous "going it alone".

Pat yourself on the back, many people do not have your courage!

[charred]

If you go out to "go out and meet people"... it can be scary if you haven't done so for a long time and no longer feel confident. The advice to go out for yourself and for your interests is good advice. There are lots of clubs around,  meetups dot com is a good place to find local groups that do about anything you can think of. I found myself at 50+ divorced, single, with no friends and no social life. Had worked on the road as a consultant for years and spent all my time with family when home, then had the r/s with a pwBPD... who isolated me from everyone... and I got a divorce, and then the PBD r/s ended (thankfully)... and it was starting over time. Still slow going, but getting more comfortable meeting people. My exwife is great at it, her way is to find something she is doing anyway (like taking kid skating)... and volunteer to help out with something where she is (like playing music for the skaters)... then she is in a spot that people come and talk to her to give her music to play... then she joins their clubs... and everyone knows her... she was elected to be  a club officer. She has been president of a few clubs from this simple be helpful and open approach. I usually just hang our around her and get introduced to lots of people, and talk at length with the more interesting ones.

Anyway, stress comes from thinking about what might happen, or worrying nothing good will happen, it usually isn't a problem when you are in the moment. You can learn to be in the moment from practicing mindfulness, which helps, and you tend to be "in the moment" when you are doing something you enjoy and are good at, which helps you to be relaxed and confident ... .which is what is attractive to most normal people. So find something you like and do it... worst case you are doing what you like,... volunteer and help newbies and next thing you know you are being sociable.

Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" is pretty good on the subject. Lots of other books, join a book club and read them all.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm kinda shy myself, and don't do very well in social situations with lots of people. I generally do much better talking to one or two people. I did find one trick that is helpful in those situations:

Look for the other 'lonely' person, and go talk to them. There is often one person who isn't interacting with 1~8 other people, and they are often glad for the company!

[whirlpoollife]

I was scared. I didn't look at it as courage.   Wow thanks!

So many avenues and thoughts , ALL appreciated

"Anyway, stress comes from thinking about what might happen, or worrying nothing good will happen, it usually isn't a problem when you are in the moment. "

Very.


"Bingo and then a dinner bar. Next you'll be singing karaoke with the college kids  "  sure.

[starshine]

Part of my horoscope has been advising me to "say yes 51% of the time".  So last week I went out 3 times and did social activities, and I went ALL BY MYSELF to 2 of the 3 events.  Small stuff for most, but a big step for me!  I'm so proud of myself!  I was scared to death, and pretty awkward, but it was my old scene, which means I had ally's (not close friends, but people who are now aware and have my side, if not my back).  One was a house concert, which meant the crowd could be really dicey for me- but the only people who I was uncomfortable seeing were people I unfriended on FB because they were friends with my ex or did not show me any support when I thought we were friends.  They are the casual acquaintance thats experiences fallout for being neutral.  I will admit, I did take my teenaged son to the house concert as a companion.  He was my conversation starter.  I imagine he's going through what amounts to a debutant- going out to the cool events and getting introduced around.  Of the other 2, one was a private invite political soiree and the other a college campus event.  I made appropriate conversation and had a great time talking with people I didn't know, for the most part.  The few people that I did know were all people that I am cool with.  So, I'd have to say, a success.   

[momtara]

meetup.com sometimes has groups for people who want to do stuff, but not alone.

i know where you're coming from.  i used to park myself in bars and restaurants too, but i felt self conscious.

[livednlearned]

I was scared. I didn't look at it as courage.   Wow thanks!

That's why I love Brene Brown's stuff about vulnerability. Makes you realize how deeply we need and want connection, and all the ways we try to manage that longing. Everyone is trying to figure it out. It's so great that you're willing to do this, whirlpool.

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html