I feel corrupted.

[Ironmanrises]

It's been 4+ months of NC, since my exUBPDgf left me for the second time. In comparison to the first time she left me, the pain I have felt and am still feeling in the aftermath is far more intense. And the fact that I know she is disordered(undiagnosed but too many behavioral similarities that rule out anything else), has really disrupted my whole naive idyll I once had. Since then, I feel corrupted within. Soiled. Sure, my healing is progressing at a snails pace, many days I move 1 step forward only to slide 3 back. But that feeling of being corrupted, remains. I carry it around with me, now, everywhere I go. After seeing and experiencing devaluation in round 2 for 3 months, it really feels like I took all of that to heart, literally. Like it was injected right into me. My thoughts have been chaotic, so apologies if I  am rambling in this post. I just no longer feel like the Ironmanfalls I used to be, at least at the core, prior to ever meeting my pwBPD. No previous relationship before her, did I ever have this issue. She was the only PwBPD I had an intimate relationship with my whole life.

Have any of you felt like that? That feeling of being corrupted afterwards?

[necchi]

Diddo after 4 months, on and off best friend than love of my life,5 years in all,deep depression ... .i realised things now that kills me ,it is literally .

i deeply feel you man,and she doesn't deserve the space and time in my mind.

[Supernova9star]

Yes Ironman, I walk right beside you right now. I feel as though the innocent pure beliefs I had in finding my one true love have forever been tainted and that I have been changed in ways I can never undo. I was subjected to an emotional hell and my mind was imprisoned. I feel like seeing that darkness for so long all in the name of what I thought was love has corrupted me. I have suicidal thoughts now since he is gone. I never was that person before. To me, suicide was never an option. I feel anger and violent thoughts rise up sometimes and that isn't me either. I have always been a tender hearted soft gentle soul until he came into my life. It is almost like some of his dysfunction transferred to me. I am scared I won't ever believe in love again because I sure as hell don't right now. I worry I am forever changed into this dark person who is living just on the edge of a very dark place. I also panic at the thought of my age (37) and how long this healing will take and if I will ever be myself again and if I will ever be able to love another. I'm afraid I'm "damaged goods" now. How can they have so much power and such a profound effect on us? How can they claim to not be able to live without us and promise they will never leave but then do just that and go on their merry way while we piece back our shattered psyche? I do feel he brought so much corruption and pain into my life and I hate him for that.

[letmeout]

I didn't feel so much corrupted, but my soul felt abused. Once I realized that my ex had no right to abuse me in that manner, no matter the mental disorder behind it,  then I became very very thankful that he left my life.

[starshine]

Hi Ironman.  I felt broken, soiled, sad- but corrupted?  I never felt dishonest or unreliable, and that is how I define corrupted.  Maybe you are using the computer term, like a corrupted file- invaded by a virus?  I could see that.  I felt like some sort of malware had entered every cell of my being, exploding me into a million tiny pieces.  I was unable to reboot for a long time, to continue the analogy.

At 4 months along I was seriously shattered and still spiraling down the depths of depression.  I was reading these boards I think by then, but not posting.  It has been over 2 years since my relationship ended, and I am certainly not the same person I was before this relationship. I don't know that I ever will be that person again.  It is sad for me to think that, but it may be my reality.  It took me a full year to even come to a place of acceptance that this had even happened to me.  I just keep trying to put this broken and smaller heart back together, hoping for the day I can relocate and start over in a place where I won't have to see either of my PDex's.  (My children's father is massively PD'd- undiagnosed and very charming and dangerous.  I was single for 8 years before I started up with uN/BPDexbf.  Ripe for the picking, and predisposed to being mortally attracted to crazy- although exbf was a seemingly sweet waif.)

I have had to deal with a deep anger- I was always so nice and loving to everyone, that this has been hard for me.  I have had horrible fantasies of causing these men pain, both physical and psychological.  but it kind of feels ok to entertain those thoughts.  Maybe.  I've have to let my brain go to unfamiliar uncomfortable places to access healing.

Trauma like this causes deep layers of grief, sadness, and self doubt.  My heart still hurts by this betrayal of my love, as I truly did love this last bf.  I had a 20 year plan, we had wills and medical power of attorney with each other.  Oh well.  I, like you, take 1 step forward and step back 3.  I now look at it like I'm doing the cha-cha, dancing my way into health.  It hasn't been a quick process- it's hard when you're stripped to the bare bone and left to be picked over by the vultures.

Sending you love and light, Ironman.  I hope you find laughter again. 

[Perfidy]

Hi ironman... I hope you are feeling better... Yeah... .I get feelings like that too. I have never experienced any other breakup that made me feel as corrupted as this. I gotta say... I don't think she can make me feel corrupted but I feel that way. I would like to place the blame on her for my feelings but I know it doesn't work that way. She was the worst partner that I could have ever chosen. This is true. She was bad for me. I do not entirely understand what happened to me. I know she had a part. I also had a part. I believe my part is my feelings and the corruption that I feel is my own defect that she was able to uncover. It's so strange. We here that find this board have so similar stories that we have experienced so much of the same unbelievable crap. The rumination,irrational fear,anxiety,depression,anger,frustration,grief,despair,jealousy,distrust,hate,and all of the other horrible feelings that a person can have. These relationships with disordered people bring the very worst out in us. I can see this. Peace to you my brother. Good folks here... You know this.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes, I feel corrupted. I haven't dated much.  She was my first person in seven years. To think I went seven years and ended up with this. 

I am 38 and I would like to have children. I guess it is a real blessing I am finding this out now.  I have to look at it that way.

[Ironmanrises]

To all,

Thank you for simply understanding. Corrupted, is a computer term i know, maybe tainted would better describe? My thoughts have been whirling around. A god awful sh¥tty mess i allowed myself to get into. A nightmare.

[patientandclear]

I didn't feel so much corrupted, but my soul felt abused. Once I realized that my ex had no right to abuse me in that manner, no matter the mental disorder behind it,  then I became very very thankful that he left my life.

This is a very simple but very profound statement.  "My soul felt abused."  I think this is pretty much where I'm at these days.

[Changingman]

Hi IM,

I'm about the same time out of the asylum, I'm still dealing with... .abuse.

This is what abuse feels like, I'm so shocked I can't function properly. All the posts here are dealing with adult abuse. It's our fault, we made them do it, if only, I love her, she can't help it, poor her, I still care, it's dangerous for her, I still want to save her, she can't help it... .God, realising theres a monster in our lives. We have become abuse victims, I feel such sadness reading the destroyed and their journey from violence. It astonishes me that we are still lingering on the edge of destruction, looking back.

I realise I sound. Like a victim, I am. But no more ( no contact ) never again (  understanding.  )  a better life. ( forgiveness  ) happiness ( self love ).

[Surnia]

  Ironmanfalls

I hear you, you feel corrupted and soiled.

If we stay with the computer term, corrupted files - how do deal with it? Stay away from the PC, because there are corrupted files in it? Trying a repair program? Throwing away the entire device?  Calling a friend and ask what to do?

Same with the picture to be soiled. Both are strong picture to go from there.

Perhaps you may explore this a bit further.

[letmeout]

Now the issue is how to recover from the wake of emotional destruction that our monsters left behind.

How do we heal our souls and be whole again.

[Changingman]

How we fight back for our lives, how we get the hands of the abussive of us. They can only do it to people who interact with them, pity them, care for them, perhaps love them. No more, it's over and we mustn't let their poison stink up our other relationships. My best friend is sick of hearing about this I'm sure , but he is a friend, a true friend. They are just abussive. Begone foul pest.

[fromheeltoheal]

Not to discount what anyone is feeling, but corrupted and soiled are too strong and negative for me, I'm going with enlightened.  There were things I needed to learn, maturing I needed to do, boundaries I needed to build and focus on, my growth happening at its pace, and then this fcked up chick shows up, sets up camp in my psyche, and sets about undermining everything that is me.  Fcking btch.  But the upside is it turned out to be a crash course in maturation, pointed a glaring spotlight on the weak points, sped up my self analysis, and in the end woke me up and got me over some humps, funny how pain will do that, motivate us.  I needed the growth, could have done without the trauma it took to get there, but hey, it worked.  I hope she feels enough pain to make some changes, she probably won't, she'll probably just go on creating more enlightenment for people, but maybe that's OK, maybe these devils in disguise are here to push us healthy ones to higher levels.  I'm running with it.

[TwoCents]

Some relationships are unforgettable.  We occasionally find people to add to our lives that are unreplaceable, one of a kind, or not to be repeated.  It is natural to feel anger, shock and displacement when these comforting and unique bonds are taken from us.  Anger and resentment are the best places from which to initially adapt but over time the tools they provide become less effective.  With time we find the room to love ourselves more just as we let go of the things that hold us back.  And ultimately we define ourselves more by our heading than by where we have been.

[RecycledNoMore]

I feel corrupted too.

I feel like something was taken from me, a loss, its hard to explain.

I worry that ill never find " it"again.

I feel as if ive developed a hardened shell

I used to be all soft and squidgy like a happy marshmellow, now im like a hard boiled sweet that cuts the roof of your mouth.

[Ironmanrises]

Just makes me realize that this corrupted/tainted feeling is a severe wake up call. Except in this case, i have awoken into a pile of sh¥t, courtesy my exUBPDgf and my flaws. It will take me a long time to remove the lingering smell, perhaps some of it will even remain to remind me that encountering someone with a disorder is a really serious matter. A scary world indeed.

[damage control]

Ironman:

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way ... I hope a new day will bring some sense of relief. I can only offer words but, my thoughts are with you.

I don't identify with the word corrupted either ... I feel ashamed and humilated but perhaps I am just playing with semantics here. I too, like others have stated, was single for 7 years before I met the exudBPD and was ripe for the picking ... it shames me to think that I withdrew from romantic attachment for so many years only to be plucked, ripe and ready for the ex to use and confuse/betray/abandon in the way that he did.

I don't see those feelings going away anytime soon ... it cuts to the core because it raises so many questions about who I am and how/why I allowed, no craved, the crazy that was that relatonship ... it's like I knew in my heart that something was off but the joys he gave me overrode all sense of survival and protection ... so, perhaps my boundaries and self-esteem are corrupted, but I think they always have been ... but a deep feeling of humiliation and shame are what he has left in his wake.

[Ironmanrises]

I no longer feel right within. I never experienced such a feeling with my previous relationships which most of them were far longer duration relationships. I still felt devastated when my previous relationships ended(especially where I was the one left), but not to this level. None of them really compare to this.

[damage control]

I fell the same way. I have had tough breakups - I have even been cheated on before ... but I don't think even my very worse ex (who, looking back, I suspect may have been BPD also) left me with the self-doubt and confusion that this ex has.

In fact, the lack of anger actually hurts as it just re-enforces to me that he feels no real emotion ... .at least if he was yelling, screaming or ignoring, I could see that he still had an emotional attachment ... but treating me as though nothing had happened between us is a new level of humiliation ... worse, he behaves as if we are still in the relationship - intimate moments/gestures/conversation but ... a withholding of sex just compounds my humiliation ... yes, Virginia ... there really ARE people in the world who gain gratification from knowing that although they no longer care, you still do.

[HarmKrakow]

Ironman, I fully agree with you.

Corrupted in a way is a good word. You are not the only one and don't be surprised this feeling will last a lifetime. Some scars don't heal and you need to realize that some break ups do alter the chemical wiring in our own heads and mix up the hormone levels all shaky to levels where you feel crap, lifeless etc. These things can last forever and you might not be able to adjust them accordingly the way you want 2. Why? Because of the immense shock of a break up mentally ... and therefore the reaction physically (and mentally) basically turns you upside down and you find yourself in the midst of a identity crisis and wonder what the ___ happened?

Time heals all wounds is not always appropriate for 'traumatic' break ups. Actually, my psychologist even says that time heals all wounds is a load of hogwash for people who experienced traumatic (abusive) relationships. Trauma's are not healed over time... that's why there are things like PTSD diagnosis, EMDR therapy, etc. And as my therapist says, being with a pwBPD is equal being sucked into a fresh load of trauma.

[Waifed]

I feel violated and abused. I am pissed at myself because I can see that the signs were all there right in front of me but I had never been in a relationship with a crazy person. These people don't care about us. Never did. They used our love to fill their need to be felt loved. Simple as that.  Because we are all kind loving people we let them use us and our supply of love. The reason it is so difficult is because our mind has a lot of healing to do. Our subconscious is slowly processing all of the crazy making and is trying to make sense of senselessness. Hopefully once the mind has healed we will feel nothing but pity for these horrible human beings (sure they may have been abused or whatever but they are horrible human beings).  

[HarmKrakow]

I feel violated and abused. I am pissed at myself because I can see that the signs were all there right in front of me but I had never been in a relationship with a crazy person. These people don't care about us. Never did. They used our love to fill their need to be felt loved. Simple as that.  Because we are all kind loving people we let them use us and our supply of love. The reason it is so difficult is because our mind has a lot of healing to do. Our subconscious is slowly processing all of the crazy making and is trying to make sense of senselessness. Hopefully once the mind has healed we will feel nothing but pity for these horrible human beings (sure they may have been abused or whatever but they are horrible human beings).  

And all wander the earth ... .

[Ironmanrises]

Would explain why I feel like I have awoken in a world of sh¥t. Probably explains why my artwork has not returned to me, why I can no longer draw. I am no longer the same mentally.

[willtimeheal]

 My thoughts have been whirling around. A god awful sh¥tty mess i allowed myself to get into. A nightmare.

Ironman,

You have to forgive yourself. You are human and make mistakes. One of your biggest hurdles to healing it seems is... .yourself. Figure out why you allowed yourself to go back to that mess. If you uncover that you can start to get your life back.  Start by forgiving yourself... .You are a good person and you thought you met the love of your life. I thought I did too. I ended  up abused and lost. But I will not give my BPD my power. Take your power back. Youre pissed?  Use that to propel you forward. You will fall backwards and that is ok but when you do tell yourself it's ok and push forward again.   You hold the key to your healing.  

[oblivian2013]

I was thinking the same thing this morning, but the word was toxic.

I think the illness is contagious, to a degree, and you get "ticks" that fester.

In a way, I think they want those closest to them to feel the same way they do; misery, suffering... .

After learning everything about you, they plot how they will act out the next version

of their self-fulfilling script of their lives and sabotage the relationship.

Had I considered all the past unhappy relationships with her family and ex's, I would have avoided this problem altogether.

But, then she was too sweet... .

[HarmKrakow]

I was thinking the same thing this morning, but the word was toxic.

I think the illness is contagious, to a degree, and you get "ticks" that fester.

In a way, I think they want those closest to them to feel the same way they do; misery, suffering... .

After learning everything about you, they plot how they will act out the next version

of their self-fulfilling script of their lives and sabotage the relationship.

Had I considered all the past unhappy relationships with her family and ex's, I would have avoided this problem altogether.

But, then she was too sweet... .

I smiled on this one. I remember my ex shouting, SCREAMING, YOU ARE TOXIC!

TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC!

[maxen]

yes ironman i feel corrupted. the thoroughness of this corruption is hard to express. it is simply complete, in all areas of my life. everything i do i do with a sense of defeat and dread. there is no joy day to day. all my activities - my work, my reading, my housekeeping - seem pathetic to me. my colleagues and my few friends tell me i look fine and am sounding better, which can only mean that i am marching along in an emotional straitjacket, fearful of revealing what is inside, removed from the flow of life. 5 months after she walked out on one hour's notice, almost 2 months NC, my mind has been in an insanity i don't want to describe. i assume it will be another year before i can think clearly. you're not alone. there are others in these depths. we will inch our way out.

[DownandOut]

I am with you Ironman, i too feel damaged/corrupted/soiled/broken/tainted and the list goes on. I've been away from the madness for a similar amount of time and I still feel lost. I endured two years of the push/pull and I think that coming to the realization this time that I am completely done has made it even more difficult for me. After Round 1, I was confused and hurt, but there were so many legitimate reasons for her leaving and trying to find herself that I let it go and it seemed like letting go was the right thing to do for those reasons. This time, i got so much deeper emotionally based on what she was telling me and when I started being devalued I was a complete mess. Now, I realize that she is disordered and it doesn't make me feel better. I am a shell of my former self and realizing that this process may take longer than I expect it to has made me feel even worse. I need to find myself again. I know who I am, but she's stripped away so much from my soul that I need to rebuild and the pain of rebuilding is torture.

[DownandOut]

yes ironman i feel corrupted. the thoroughness of this corruption is hard to express. it is simply complete, in all areas of my life. everything i do i do with a sense of defeat and dread. there is no joy day to day. all my activities - my work, my reading, my housekeeping - seem pathetic to me. my colleagues and my few friends tell me i look fine and am sounding better, which can only mean that i am marching along in an emotional straitjacket, fearful of revealing what is inside, removed from the flow of life. 5 months after she walked out on one hour's notice, almost 2 months NC, my mind has been in an insanity i don't want to describe. i assume it will be another year before i can think clearly. you're not alone. there are others in these depths. we will inch our way out.

I am with you. It feels so disingenuous to me to have to put on the brave face and confront our daily lives. I feel like a bottle of shaken fizzy water, I'm about to blow. I suffer in silence.