Why do I want this?

[DownandOut]

I've been about 3+ months NC and, in that time, I've taken baby steps forward only to fall back into the abyss on occasion. Lately, I've been yearning for contact. I know that I will NEVER be the one to initiate it, I'm definitely strong-willed enough; however, I want her to contact me. I don't know what I'll say, or if I'll even respond, but I find myself hoping and praying for contact. Maybe because I wish I could have ended things better. I did the best i could at the time, not knowing about this crazy disorder, so I guess I feel regret. I hate this. I'm not me anymore and maybe I think that I could get a piece of myself back if only I could have an adult conversation with her about what happened. I know I'll never get that though because I tried so many times to talk about it only for her to shut down. She just couldn't articulate what she was feeling and, as a result, i just ran away without any closure. I know I won't get closure from contact in the future, but I want it. Something is seriously wrong with me.

[HarmKrakow]

Uhh, I beg the differ.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain cannot keep up with the changes which have been made outside of you, and thus yearn for a certain set of closure so your brain can catch up with what happened. Now your brain is like; "Hold on a minute ... what happened?". And thus seeking for answers. Your behavior is to the fully 100% extent normal.

Why hate it? Have you done something wrong? I beg the differ again. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have closure, it's perfectly normal to want closure. So you can move on...

Why are you so hard on yourself? You are in immense pain, would you not say to cut yourself some serious slack? You are in mental pain and you are seeking frantically for some sense of solution (aka closure). Breathe in, breathe out. It's completely fine that you feel upside down and tossed around. Your brain needs time to adjust. Give your brain time ...

In the mean time the only thing you can do, is to stop being so hard on yourself.

[laelle]

Downandout,

awww 

From your post, you sound like your are doing great!  You wish you could have more, but realize that you will not have it with your ex.  I am sure that you did all that you could do for the relationship.  The simple fact is, someone with BPD destroys their own relationships time and time again, and nothing that you said or did not say would have made any difference in the long run.  It is the nature of the BPD beast.  They keep on stacking cards and knocking them down.  They have to do it, it is how their script plays out.

You will have to make your own closure, as an adult discussion is not possible between an adult and a child.

Keep it up, you are really making progress!

[blurry]

I'm afraid any closure at all with a pwBPD comes from within. Nearly everything they say or feel is temporary. So how would an apology from a liar or someone not capable of sincerity that lasts beyond their current emotional frame of mind bring anyone closure? Closure comes once you decide its over in your own mind.

[living in the past]

great post and replys,and i am still undecided,what  food for thought,thanks

[maxen]

Down and Out, there is exactly nothing wrong with you. as a functioning human, you seek understanding and connection. if you didn't want contact and closure, then there would be something wrong with you.

however, you should keep in mind how that contact might go. i am fighting a horrible temptation to reach out to my w these days. i may fail. i must be sure before i do of the possible responses i may get. this from laelle is helpful to me:

The simple fact is, someone with BPD destroys their own relationships time and time again, and nothing that you said or did not say would have made any difference in the long run.  It is the nature of the BPD beast.  They keep on stacking cards and knocking them down.  They have to do it, it is how their script plays out.

You will have to make your own closure, as an adult discussion is not possible between an adult and a child.

[DownandOut]

Thank you for all your responses. I am so appreciative that I have these boards to speak to you all when it seems like on many days I feel alone in a room full of people. 

Uhh, I beg the differ.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain cannot keep up with the changes which have been made outside of you, and thus yearn for a certain set of closure so your brain can catch up with what happened. Now your brain is like; "Hold on a minute ... what happened?". And thus seeking for answers. Your behavior is to the fully 100% extent normal.

Why hate it? Have you done something wrong? I beg the differ again. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have closure, it's perfectly normal to want closure. So you can move on...

Why are you so hard on yourself? You are in immense pain, would you not say to cut yourself some serious slack? You are in mental pain and you are seeking frantically for some sense of solution (aka closure). Breathe in, breathe out. It's completely fine that you feel upside down and tossed around. Your brain needs time to adjust. Give your brain time ...

In the mean time the only thing you can do, is to stop being so hard on yourself.

My T tells me I'm extremely hard on myself as well and I agree that it's something I've been trying to change. I feel weak though. I've always been around such macho men who are successful and, more often than not, womanizers. It's a facade I've had to put up my whole life, but although I'm relatively successful, I'm not like the jerks I grew up around. I have a lot of love to give, but have never found anyone worth giving it to until my uBPDexgf. Now, here i am, down and out, because one of the most beautiful and amazing woman I've ever dated in my life has used me like an object. She emasculated me. I'm trying to get myself back to normal, but the struggle is taking longer than I'd like. I work in a field that requires confidence bordering on cockiness and I just don't have it in me right now. I'm trying.

Downandout,

awww 

From your post, you sound like your are doing great!  You wish you could have more, but realize that you will not have it with your ex.  I am sure that you did all that you could do for the relationship.  The simple fact is, someone with BPD destroys their own relationships time and time again, and nothing that you said or did not say would have made any difference in the long run.  It is the nature of the BPD beast.  They keep on stacking cards and knocking them down. They have to do it, it is how their script plays out.

You will have to make your own closure, as an adult discussion is not possible between an adult and a child.

Keep it up, you are really making progress!

It's amazing that you would say that because when I described how I felt about our relationship I described it to her as an elaborate house of cards that we've built that fall over with the slightest turbulence (the triggers). 

[laelle]

Yep, just as we would begin to rebuild, faith, trust and intimacy, he would thump the deck, and all the cards would fall around me.

Eventually I learned that regardless of how much time or love I put into that deck, he would always thump it.  Sometimes it was so well timed that I would have sworn

that he thumped the deck on purpose.  Always, just when I needed him.


Why did I keep building a deck that I knew would fall?  I made myself emotionally unhealthy putting so much effort into building that ing deck of cards.

Why did I think so little of myself that the image of happiness was more important than actual happiness?

[ShadowDancer]

Let me be very clear about this. I understand your dilemma although I do beg to differ on one very important distinction. She was not the "one" worth the giving of yourself to, regardless of how she "looked".

[Ironmanrises]

I'm not me anymore

I totally understand.

[emotionaholic]

That closure you are looking for, that we all are looking for, you already have it.  3 months NC is a good start.  That is your closure.  You will never get it from your ex.  Keep in mind that if you go looking for closure, and to close that door, you will likely open the door that you need to have closed.  During many attempts for closure with my exBPD during break ups the conversation would turn into a feeling of being close and understanding for each of us and then yet another cycle in BPD hell.  I still want closure and for her to come get her stuff 5 months later and I know the day will come when she contacts me.  I dread that day, but the the more that time goes by and I continue to work on myself and get stronger I know that I will be able to handle it with indifference which is where absolute closure is.