What he said...

[Nearlybroken]

Last night I attended a party.I took my car as I am not drinking at the moment (if I start I doubt I would stop).My ex turned up.So i made my excuses and left.As I was getting into my car he jumped in the passenger side.I calmly asked him to go back to the party.He snatched the keys out of my hand and wouldnt give them back."You will listen to me without interruption" he said.And to summarise what I will generously describe as an insane rant... .it went as follows:I am  sick of the attitude you have with me at all times.You get things wrong constantly and hysterically over react.You have accused me of speaking to people about you and you go on and on and on and on  about it(he repeated the "and on" for about two minutes but I would get tired typing all of them).You project onto me.Your friends think I am a ass because of your poison.And I am a nice guy.This is not fair.I didnt ask to have my issues and you exploit my weaknesses.You thrive off my misery.Why would you do that to me?And to think everyone thinks you are a nice person.If only they knew the truth.If only they knew what you had put me through".

He then started to cry.

"I love you but I cannot be with you because of your behaviour. I forgive you but I can never forget.You get things wrong all of the time and make it all my fault.I walk on egg shells with you.Do you know how tiring that is?If I did not care then I wouldn't speak to you full stop.I would just cut you off like you are trying to do with me.But unlike you I am not callous.I am trying to make you see ME in all of this NB!"

He would not get out of the car.

"I do not know why I am being forced to discuss this again with you but I am willing to make the effort with you so we can be friends.I have not had sex since we split up because you brain washed me with this "sex with love involved "crap.I have been forced to use my hand and its better than you.You invent things and then react to them.You fight with yourself NB.Stop fighting with yourself... .the only one who is suffering is you.I hope that my words help you".

My response: "could I have my keys back please".

Him:"typical brash flippant remark from the queen of sarcasm.I have tried but I am done.I wont send you anymore e mails or texts"

Me:"Thank you as actually they are just abusive".I then was forced into showing him the texts he had sent, which he read.He said "I didn't mean them the way they look".I replied that calling someone a C**t probably didnt have any pleasant interpretation.His response "God ,you have an answer for everything.I am going to roll out of this car and down the hill.If I get run over it will be your fault.

So away he rolled.A 41 year old man rolling down a street.No cars hit him.Am I allowed to put "alas"?

This.Is.Madness.

NB.xxx

[babyducks]

Sometimes I wonder if they have a script.   I got so much of this from my EX.   And found it incredibly wounding.

Nearly Broken,...

I am sorry you had to listen to that.   

Some one here once wrote about how damaging it is to be exposed to a mental illness at close quarters.  I don't think it gets more close than in a car.  Just a small question.   If something like this happens again would it be possible to get out and leave him and the car?   I understand it might not be.

It sounds like you handled that as best as anyone possible could.   And I am glad it ended with everyone being safe.   

I know you understand about extinction bursts.  This one sounds like a doozie.  Protect yourself, your physical self and your emotional self.

babyducks

[Surnia]

WOW, Nearlybroken, this was really tough. 

He overstepped all normal boundaries here.

I think you handled it very well.

I really hope he will not continue like this. 

[Learning_curve74]

 

That is extremely unfair to you, Nb. His hysteria and drama was way over the top.

Please keep yourself safe and take care of yourself.

[HarmKrakow]

He overstepped all boundaries, put all the blame on you, what a d!ck. I 'ed at the c**t answer. I didn't mean them the way they look? Are you kidding me? Haha.

Seriously, you have our respects for being able to put up with this crap. I think many of us might have sank through the floor after something like that.

[LaSuede]

Nearly broken,

You seem a wonder of calmness. Could you talk to someone when getting back home? Being alone after that madness/accusations seems tough. Has he kept silence? (or is he just still rolling  ... )

I recognize so much of this... .My exBPDbf tended to have his worst attitude in cars, especially when driving - I nearly jumped out like an action star once... .Which I am not. But I felt more safe doing that then staying inside. But worst of all has been in airplanes. It seems he got power in those physically blocked situations.

It can give anyone klaustrophobia. And to be chased into your own "territory" is scary. I am sorry you had to experience that.

[bpdspell]

I am  sick of the attitude you have with me at all times.You get things wrong constantly and hysterically over react. You have accused me of speaking to people about you and you go on and on and on and on  about it(he repeated the "and on" for about two minutes but I would get tired typing all of them).You project onto me.Your friends think I am a ass because of your poison. And I am a nice guy. This is not fair. I didnt ask to have my issues and you exploit my weaknesses. You thrive off my misery. Why would you do that to me?And to think everyone thinks you are a nice person. If only they knew the truth. If only they knew what you had put me through".

Nearly Broken,

Sounds like you experienced classic control freak projection (the words in bold), a rewriting of the narrative and your ex trying to make you FEEL his maniacally neurotic and all consuming thoughts.

To me his words are the words of a man who cannot stand the thought of someone hating him as much as he hates himself.

What you experience in your car was toxic, violating, boundary busting and quite forceful. Is there a way to make sure that he never does this again?

I have a restraining order against my ex. It was necessary for my own protection. Are you willing to go to this extreme to cut the cord for good? Perhaps take a break from hanging in the same circles?

This post is such a clear example of how our ex's do not think the way we do due to their stunted emotional wiring. Their words will always be distorted and empty because they do not have the emotional maturity to grab the reigns of accountability. This is what makes them sick and this is why their attitude is quite entitled.

A person with BPD cannot stand the thought of no longer controlling your puppet strings and making you dance to their disordered tune. That loss of control is their greatest fear because now there's someone else in the world who knows the dirty little secret they work so hard to hide from themselves.

This is why the slander campaigns and the rewriting of the narrative come into play. They need others to look like the bad guy so they can keep up their delusional charade. And to that I say what a sad existence. They are human beings that eat their own tails.

Change your number and shut this door on this mentally ill guy for good. You owe him nothing but you owe yourself everything.

Spell

[Lady31]

Oh my GOODNESS NB!  Wow.  He is a fruit basket.

Having to listen to all his rants - ugh.  It is so crazy how twisted they perceive things.  There is just no straightening out their minds.  That part is sad when we loved them.

The rolling down the hill thing (and 41?) really freaked me out. 

[GreenMango]

I'm with everyone else.  This guy has no boundaries. And he sounds like a drunk.

He responses were classic.  It's amazing once you are detached enough to see them for what they are - this man ain't well.  And obviously there's no talking reasonable sense with him. He rolled himself down a hill in a tantrum.

If it was me and if he has a pattern of crossing these physical lines like stealing my car keys and jumping into my car I'd consider a protection order, or a taser if legal in your area.  He has no brakes.  The police are great substitute breaks.

Have you talked to the police about this?  It may be time.  Letting things like this go with someone who has no boundaries is like a green light for more ridiculousness that can escalate.  I wouldnt protect him from the natural consequences of his behavior.

[goldylamont]

wow, sorry you had to endure this. i don't feel it's safe for you to be alone with this person in any way shape or form. if this happened again, i would leave him with the keys and the car, go inside the party and speak to a real man and let them know that you don't mean any trouble, but that your ex is physically stopping you from leaving. i wouldn't waste any time trying to reason or convince him to let you leave, he wants this argument and attention. take care.

[Aw511]

Just laughed myself to tears at the rolling down the street thing... .Whenever I tell stories about my ex I always throw in HE IS 39, because my friends all assume I am talking about a teenager. Oy vey. Hang in there! 

[RecycledNoMore]

?

I am feeling a strange mixture of revulsion and hysterics... .

You my friend are amazing for handling that bizzaro tirade so well.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.I really take comfort from you all.For various reasons I am now in a position of total isolation so these boards really are my only support.Though I do not know what his next "attack" will involve,I do know that he will leave me alone for a while whilst he talks to his friends and family about how everything is my fault.I predict that at some point he will turn up at our house  with our dogs... .start weeping and crying and telling me (in nice terms) about his issues and how I am the only one he can talk to etc etc.I do know that he will engage my friends in conversations where he will paint me to be the one with the issues.Oh and yes... .he will seek out other women.I nearly forgot about that... .silly me.

BPD is cruel and destructive... .I don't think I have ever experienced such pain.I have never been on the receiving end of such abuse.He has really destroyed me.I feel weak.NB.xx

[Take2]

NB... .how well I can relate to what happened to you... .  I have been cornered in my car in the same way, cornered at work as I have been verbally attacked to the point of "breaking me" - his intent, he has told me.  No matter how strong I have become, it (his rages) have increased to find whatever it will take to break me.

My ex crossed the line multiple times.  It gets worse.  Trust me.  Stay strong - your actions were outstanding.  You should be proud of yourself.  And I agree with the suggestion that for next time, just get out of the car and go back inside... .   

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you Take2... .I do not feel very strong at all at the moment.I exist in a constant state of sickness and nervousness.And the sad thing is is that when he was rolling down the street I actually prayed that he would be hit by a car just so all of this could be over.he really has got me to that stage and I never wanted to feel that way.It's just awful... .he does these things to me knowing how much he hurts me.I do not know why he wants to destroy me... .I only ever showed him love and support.And the worst thing is that to the outside world he presents as normal.To everyone else he is fine.It's just me... .

[GreenMango]

NB

The car is great place to have a captive audience!  It is nerve wracking.  I used to be very familiar with this.  It had gotten to the point where I would only wear clothes with pockets and have cash, keys, and phone so I could leave my purse if I had to make a hasty retreat.  I've had to jump out at a stop light and walk home.

Never again.

Do you have support?  a therapist etc.  At the time I was having panic and anxiety like you are, that subsides and gets better when you realize what you are actually dealing with and get a level of control over your own environment.  This guy is like an emotional terrorist with these antics and his own worst enemy.

Theres no need to listen to his crazy talk about how its your fault.  It isn't.  He wants you fix it and you can't.  Any man that will roll himself down a street needs a professional.

when I was going thru this my therapist helped me with developing some standard phrases and responses if confronted with his level of chaos.

[Perfidy]

That's just how he rolls!

[RecycledNoMore]

That's just how he rolls!

ROFL literally!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I haven't been on the boards for a month or so, but came back tonight as the cycle of grief goes back and forth, coming here and reading about others experiences always helps process it all...

I can so totally relate to the being trapped in a car with a mentally ill person, most of the destructive dynamics in the last year of our 'interaction' were played out in either his car or mine.

This was largely due to our relationship becoming long distance in that last year or so, he would never take responsibility for why he had to move out either, it was always someone else's fault, (his whole life full of screw ups was always someone else's fault).

On one of our rare little road trips in my car, I discovered he had hidden a large wrench under the front passenger seat, (where he would sit). At first he denied knowing anything about it, trying to pass it being there, onto my two older children, (young adults!). The next day when he was confronted with the facts, he then admitted that he might have put it there as 'protection' for us both, and forgotten about it. I knew that was also a lie, since he hardly ever went anywhere in my car to warrant that! I had to face the reality that he had planned to murder me that very day, and since I saw his antics during my bush walk with him, it stands to reason.

There had been several attempts on my life, and many serious threats too, which were frequently directed at people I knew along with my children or his elderly parents, not to mention frequent damage to my property.

He put me through hundreds of close call rages whilst being trapped in his car with him at high speeds, and he would never let me out either. Two years in, my own Doctor gave me the diagnosis of Borderline, after having me relay one of his little car rages to her. That particular rage had went on for 8 hours, and that whole time I was trapped in the car with him unable to get out safely.

Another was one morning, and he had insisted on getting coffee at 4am, (after having kept me awake yet again all night with his rage/extinction burst antics). As I backed out up the very steep driveway of his elderly parents house, he was raging full blast again, and I was so tired and so stressed that I misjudged the driveway in the dark, and hit a large rock sticking out, which seriously stuffed up my cars electronics immediately.

BP was still shouting orders and screaming abuse at me as well, whilst I tried to navigate my way down the road, in severe shock and with one of my indicators stuck on and lights not working properly in the dark. I managed to reach the end of the street and pull into a driveway of a closed business nearby. BP was still raging at me, swearing, like a demon.

He insisted we return to his parents, and take his car, and also that he drive me home to work, (40 minute drive! but longer with him as he purposely drives really slow) and that I should not drive my car like that. In all honesty, I couldn't wait to get away from him at that point, as he had been raging at me all night, and I simply couldn't take it anymore. I was very proud of myself that I had not allowed him to push me to the point of reacting back this time, but this only angered him more anyway. The fact that I was maintaining control during extreme stress really put him out of control even more!

I said that I would just have to risk the drive home, as I couldn't be late for work. My refusal to cooperate sent him right off the deep end, and he then threw stuff at my car, and walked around raging at me outside it. I sat there trying to think fast, and also being incredibly scared of him, as when he gets like this, there is no telling what he will do to me. He had insisted that I just F**Off and leave him there, and was repeating that curse over and over. So, I decided to do just that. There would be no calming him down, and I was blowed if I was going to sit through yet another hour of his tantrum antics. I was exhausted, hurt, sad and incredibly scared, so I did just that. I drove off.

As I did, he began to scream at the top of his lungs at me, that he was going to f*****murder me if he ever saw me again, and a barrage of disgusting names, his favourite was C**T!

I drove off, angry enough to make it home, as fast as I could...

As predictable, either that day or the next, he rang with his usual bullhit apologies, which never meant anything... his promises that he wouldn't do it again etc, coupled with the ever present excuses and reasons for his hitty behaviour.

Arghhh the jerk... .

Just my two cents people. Sorry for going on...

[lkic]

Don't apologise for going on it is probably what is keeping you sane, letting off steam safely.  But it also serves some of the rest of us to hear what a full blown tantrum looks like.  Some of us have partners/children/spouses that have yet to be diagnosed and this sort of information let's us see clearly what some BPD behavior is.  So thankyou for being so honest.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hay rollercoaster24, far out your story and nearlybrokens story bring back memories, trapped in a speeding car, with the ex hurling abuse, I jumped out once, hurt my knees really badly, luckily Id waited till he was approaching the lights...

Your ex was planning to kill you? The wrench, waiting for the right time... .my god.Id like to say im surprised but im not.My ex drove me far into the countryside once, wed had a fight, hed been txtn and ringing for days, begging and pleading till I gave in and agreed to talk, as soon as I got in the car, his whole demenour changed, from contrite to demonic in the blink of an eye,he sped out of town, ranting and raving saying why was I making him do this? Hed throw a wild punch at me, I tried like you not to respond or escalate, I was terrified and started to cry, I was choking on my breath in an attempt to cry silently.

He stopped on a country rd, pushed me out on to the rd,nobody around Id try to stand and hed push me down, Id scream for help, hed laugh and say " aint nobody guna help you b****",this went on for about twenty mins, I tried to reason with him, begging, crying anything I asked him if he was going to kill me, he laughed, I tried to walk away, he took my shoes, I still walked, he got in the car and followed along side me, taunting me,I pulled out my phone and pretended to call the police, the battry was flat, he hurled yet more abuse then sped off, I walked, in the gravel, through the brambles, it took me 3 hours to get to the outskirts of town, my feet were cut to shreads, bleeding, it was cold and dark, while I walked, I cried, I howled, and wondered if my dad could see me up in heaven, and cried because he would be so ashamed...

As I hobbled along, I saw headlights, I waved down the car, it was him, he was calm and apology mode, I was numb, in pain I didnt have the strength to protest when he put me in the car, I couldnt go home, the state of me was horrendous, I of course coulnt bear the shame, so I let him take me to his house, he bathed my feet tenderly,stroked my head like a mother would to an injured child...

And we started all over again.

[Take2]

Thank you Take2... .I do not feel very strong at all at the moment.I exist in a constant state of sickness and nervousness.And the sad thing is is that when he was rolling down the street I actually prayed that he would be hit by a car just so all of this could be over.he really has got me to that stage and I never wanted to feel that way.It's just awful... .he does these things to me knowing how much he hurts me.I do not know why he wants to destroy me... .I only ever showed him love and support.And the worst thing is that to the outside world he presents as normal.To everyone else he is fine.It's just me... .

NB... .  I will respond that he does it because he doesn't know any other way to be with someone he wants to love, but right now it's hard for me to even think that way as it's that kind of thinking that makes me stay attached - the thought that they have no control over their rages... .  they have difficulty controlling themselves with us - but when they are so able to have everyone else convinced of how normal they are, they are clearly able to control it.  That's where boundaries come in of course... .  on our part.  Or lack thereof - at least on my part.  As I continued to allow my own boundaries of what's acceptable get run over, he found new ways to find remaining boundaries... .  every time you allow him back in after an abusive episode, he knows he continues to control you... .  As much I too feel like everyone else thinks my ex is fine at work (we work together, I can't escape it) - I do know that his anger is not unknown.  They don't realize the true extent of his behavior, but when people are comparing him to Dexter (tv show with a nice psychopath) - it's a clue that some really do know something is just not quite right... .  Stay strong... .  I know how hard that is.   I struggle daily and it's gotten unbelievably horrible for me.  But it does not get better.  Only you can make it better... .

[Take2]

so I let him take me to his house, he bathed my feet tenderly,stroked my head like a mother would to an injured child...

And we started all over again.

Wow - recycledNOmore... .  that is a heart breaking story... .  and truly summarizes what so many of us have gone thru although perhaps on a more disturbing level then some.  I am so sorry you have gone thru episodes like that... .I don't know your story, are you still with him?  how long ago was that?  I would be very afraid of what is worse after that... .  I am very concerned for you.  I will go read your story but if you could check in also and let us know if you are okay - if you are still there, can you make a safety exit plan?  That is dangerous... .very very dangerous. 

[RecycledNoMore]

[quote author=Take2 link=topic=214230.msg12349670#msg12349670 date=1

Wow - recycledNOmore... .  that is a heart breaking story... .  and truly summarizes what so many of us have gone thru although perhaps on a more disturbing level then some.  I am so sorry you have gone thru episodes like that... .I don't know your story, are you still with him?  how long ago was that?  I would be very afraid of what is worse after that... .  I am very concerned for you.  I will go read your story but if you could check in also and let us know if you are okay - if you are still there, can you make a safety exit plan?  That is dangerous... .very very dangerous.  [/quote]
Hi take2, thanks so much for your concern it means alot, I never thought anybody would understand, I read my posts sometimes and just cry, but thats ok, im learning how to cope with my emotions instead of stuffing them back in.

8 years with the uBPDx, a good chunk of that I spent thinking I was dealing with DV, I tried for a long time to figure out how to fix it, the incident I described happened about a year ago, shortly after that whilst researching DV, stumbled across an article by shari shreiber, things were never the same for me again, it was truly a lightbulb moment, it became impossible for me to continue, I observed his behavior, noticed his patterns, in my head I reffered to him as mr opposite, or mirrorman, longbefore Id head the term " mirroring", it was all so heartbreakingly predictable.

I broke up with him about 4 months ago, it was sudden, id had enough, he rang txtd hundreds of times, rang my cell, my home phone, my daughter( not his thank god), my friends, fb, email, stalked me, the final straw was when he came to where I was studying, to shame me he said, he threw a rock on my classmates car, they ran him off, I went to a lawyer and got a restraining order, he followed me, I was waiting in the town library for it to be finallised, I stupidly told him to tryn ward him off, he left town that day to prevent it from being served.

He sometimes contacts me on a fake fb profile, everything else is blocked, hes self righteous, smug, insulting angry.last wkend I got drunk and read him the riot act, I dont normally drink, so I wont be doing that again in a hurry, last contact was from him, on monday, I ignore and try to get on with my life.

Il never go back, i have too much knowledge about me and why I stayed, and about him and why he made it impossible for me to stay.

Hugs take2, thanks for listening.e

[Take2]

Il never go back, i have too much knowledge about me and why I stayed, and about him and why he made it impossible for me to stay.

Recycled... .you are a smart, strong woman... Be proud of yourself.  That is very difficult to do.  I know first hand as I am STILL struggling right now to be no contact (and failing) despite some steps that my ex has very recently taken which are the point of no return.  Yet while I am intellectually aware of all of it (my lightbulb moment came the day I stumbled onto a website about BPD two years ago), I seem to struggle to let go 100%.

Yet as I have talked to him and we have been kind to one another, it just increases my concerns of where it could go next.  The point of no return will get worse.  I know this... .

Nearlybroken... .check in and let us know how you are doing... .  holidays are very difficult... .  they increase stress for everyone... .  and those with BPD struggle with stress more than most... .

I wish both of you a very happy Thanksgiving... .