I let him back in only for the abuse to escalate to raging outburst of blame, cheating, gas lighting, triangulation…and my shame kept intensifying as I couldn't figure out the hold that this man had on me.
It is very shaming to feel such desperation and desire for an abuser. There is a part of your being that longs for the abuser to turn into an angel and make everything right with the world. There is a part of you that believes that if you model kindness, respect, and validation that it will be returned to you. It is very shaming to "overlook" bad behavior simply because you do not want to be abandoned. It is very shaming to look back and realize how much abuse and toxic negativity you swallowed to have "love" in your life.
An abused person can be very, very, very hard on themselves. I was an abused child so it was a conditioned pattern for me to be very unforgiving towards myself. Abused people feel internally flawed and deserving of punishment.
So, so, so true. I have made so many excuses for my uBPDh over the years and the fact is that now I am ashamed of myself for making those excuses. I didn't want to be alone - it scared me to think of being alone and my self esteem was always so low that I didn't feel that any other man would want anything to do with me so it was "better" to stay with my H in order to not be alone. What I have realized is that I have never been more alone than during the 18 years I have been with my husband. Not only have I been emotionally alone, I have had to change who I am in order to cope with living with him. I can't exactly identify when the old me "died", but I know it was a long time ago.
A few years ago I told H that I was seriously contemplating separation. Of course he made all kinds of promises to be better and to "get help" and when I saw those changes taking place I had hope and I specifically remember telling myself that "H loves me the best he knows how" and that if I could just accept that fact and not "need" any more from him that I thought I could be reasonably happy for the rest of our years together. Over the years, SO many times I have told myself that if I just show him what it is to be patient, forgiving, loving, and calm, that he would eventually learn to exhibit those same behaviors towards me. But that didn't happen and all that happened is that I have spent the past 18 years trying to make a person "happy" that is not really emotionally capable of being happy. My counselor made an observation during my last appointment that I am very good at attempting to "orchestrate" everything. She couldn't be more right... .I am constantly trying to orchestrate the everyday activities of our lives with the end goal that H doesn't get mad. I am always looking 5 steps ahead to see what chain reactions might occur from one simple thing. When she pointed that out to me I realized that I am completely emotionally drained, and NUMB. I'm not LIVING my life. I'm ORCHESTRATING my life with the single goal of trying to keep my husband calm and happy. The idea of not living like this anymore is probably the most freeing thought I can imagine. I am so looking forward to being in that place!
As we have all experienced, the changes my H promised to make were temporary and the turmoil continued. I am 100% done with my marriage. I have never been more ready to move on. H doesn't know yet, but I have completely disengaged from him and I'm sure he sees that. I'm trying to follow some of the guidance from this site to start detaching well before I leave so that it might help the process. I was going to leave H before Christmas but after discussions with my sister and friends I have decided to do it in January.
Now I am not afraid of being alone and actually realize that is probably where I need to be for a while until I get myself in a good place mentally. I realize that alone will be 500% better than where I am right now.
I have been reading two books... .one called "In Too Deep" and the sequel is "On Solid Ground" (by Michelle Kemper Brownlow). It is a book about young woman who is the victim of emotional abuse from her boyfriend. The first book is about her relationship and all she goes through to try and end their relationship. I haven't read a lot of the second book but it focuses on her healing and how she lets go of her past. When I read the first book it was like reading about my own relationship. It's weird to read it because while I read I'm thinking, "Why does she not leave him?" but then at the same time I completely understand why she doesn't! I am interested in how the second book deals with her healing because that is where I am right now and will be deeply in once I leave my H.
It is daunting to think about how I go about fixing/healing from the emotional damage inflicted upon me. I was talking to a friend last week who has been divorced for about a year now from her emotionally and physically abusive husband. It was all emotional abuse for years and her last straw was when he hit her. We were talking about how horrible emotional abuse is... .it would almost be "easier" if they were physically abusive because you might feel "more" OK about leaving. It's as though we convince ourselves that the emotional abuse is deserved so we stick around and take it. It has been almost two years since my friend had her husband removed from their home with a protective order (he threatened to kill her and then himself). She said she still cringes and her stomach flips when she hears the door of his bedroom open, or when she hears certain sounds that he used to make. She has started dating someone and there are certain things her BF does that trigger a reaction in her. Her BF is very kind and completely the opposite of her exH, but she struggles at time with any behavior or comment that even remotely resembles something her ex would have said and she gets upset. I know there is a long road ahead of me before I am ever capable of having another intimate relationship with someone. My H was my first serious relationship and we have been together since I was 19. So, I have never had a healthy relationship and don't even know what that looks like.
