Weakest Recycle Ever

[Depression = 72% of members]

She was dressed up to go to a work conference yesterday afternoon. I took the kids out of town myself to a friend's kid's party. She came into the room and asked me if she looked all right (constant validation, YES you look fine!). She kind of had this look on her face and I went over, violating my NT rule, and put my arm on her shoulder and repeated it. She kind of leaned into me like someone beaten down by the world, and meekly uttered, "do you think it could ever work between us?" I told her that I though it could on my side, especially since I understand now what is going on, and everything I have learned in the past few months (not mentioning or hinting at F2F), but that I felt this from her... .here i made a fist and placed it on her chest over her heart. "This is what I feel from you, this is what is inside of you." She hung her head a little more, said goodbye to the kids and walked out.

Today she convinced me to go to a local theme park with her and the kids. I conceded, and I guess it was all right. I need to stop running myself. she had said yesterday that she thought it would be good if we did stuff all as a family as much as possible. I think to myself, "NO" she needs to realize the consequences of her actions because she hasn't realized jack yet. "Girl you need to live in your own reality" I heard recently from a woman's empowerment seminar. Basically stating, "stop living in la-la land."

I told one of her brothers today to pass onto the family in a nice way that I won't be spending thanksgiving at their house, and why, no offense whatsoever to them. I said I hadn't told his sister yet, but to pass it on.

I put the kids to bed (yes, I almost always do the work, she was beat and tired... .must be tiring having all those emotions and pain swimming around in your head). First, she said she wanted to go the gym, but it was closing early and she didn't want to leave while the kids were still awake. I said it was closing early and she said maybe she'd go run outside (in the cold and the dark?). Then an old hs friend texted her whom she hasn't met in a long while (she lives like two miles from us... .yeah, close relationship there! But they are old friends just the same), and wanted to meet her for coffee. I prepped S3 for bed, and she is passed out on the couch. I came out a little later and she asked if she could go meet her friend (this is probably true since when she goes out to see her "fun" husband or whatever, she doesn't say she's going with someone specifically... .or whatever, like it matters at this point). I said sure. Then she came into the room, thanked me, and said, "sorry for being a bad mother... ." then she left.

Weird, but that is the new normal. I should have said, "then stop being one."

All in all, I really think the best thing in all of this is for the kids to end up with me more, so I'm not going to push her to engage more... .which she is mostly, but I know the truth. If they are with me more, then as someone told me on another board, they will see me as normal, and it will be obvious to them what she is and is doing is not normal.

[Turkish]

She was dressed up to go to a work conference yesterday afternoon. I took the kids out of town myself to a friend's kid's party. She came into the room and asked me if she looked all right (constant validation, YES you look fine!). She kind of had this look on her face and I went over, violating my NT rule, and put my arm on her shoulder and repeated it. She kind of leaned into me like someone beaten down by the world, and meekly uttered, "do you think it could ever work between us?" I told her that I though it could on my side, especially since I understand now what is going on, and everything I have learned in the past few months (not mentioning or hinting at F2F), but that I felt this from her... .here i made a fist and placed it on her chest over her heart. "This is what I feel from you, this is what is inside of you." She hung her head a little more, said goodbye to the kids and walked out.

Today she convinced me to go to a local theme park with her and the kids. I conceded, and I guess it was all right. I need to stop running myself. she had said yesterday that she thought it would be good if we did stuff all as a family as much as possible. I think to myself, "NO" she needs to realize the consequences of her actions because she hasn't realized jack yet. "Girl you need to live in your own reality" I heard recently from a woman's empowerment seminar. Basically stating, "stop living in la-la land."

I told one of her brothers today to pass onto the family in a nice way that I won't be spending thanksgiving at their house, and why, no offense whatsoever to them. I said I hadn't told his sister yet, but to pass it on.

I put the kids to bed (yes, I almost always do the work, she was beat and tired... .must be tiring having all those emotions and pain swimming around in your head). First, she said she wanted to go the gym, but it was closing early and she didn't want to leave while the kids were still awake. I said it was closing early and she said maybe she'd go run outside (in the cold and the dark?). Then an old hs friend texted her whom she hasn't met in a long while (she lives like two miles from us... .yeah, close relationship there! But they are old friends just the same), and wanted to meet her for coffee. I prepped S3 for bed, and she is passed out on the couch. I came out a little later and she asked if she could go meet her friend (this is probably true since when she goes out to see her "fun" husband or whatever, she doesn't say she's going with someone specifically... .or whatever, like it matters at this point). I said sure. Then she came into the room, thanked me, and said, "sorry for being a bad mother... ." then she left.

Weird, but that is the new normal. I should have said, "then stop being one."

All in all, I really think the best thing in all of this is for the kids to end up with me more, so I'm not going to push her to engage more... .which she is mostly, but I know the truth. If they are with me more, then as someone told me on another board, they will see me as normal, and it will be obvious to them what she is and is doing is not normal.

[Perfidy]

Turkish... Your situation is a tough one and I feel for you. I wouldn't want to trade places. Just a thought. What ever we live is what becomes our normal. The kids, in my opinion should be the main focus of your relationship now. A very wise person put it to me like this... .Put yourself first because without your self you can experience only nothing. Put your job next because you need it to take care of yourself. If you want to take care of anyone else you have to take care of your self first. Thirdly take care of your family, your children. He also told me that for my children... .What's better? To come from a broken home or to live in one? I was going through a desperation that led to a divorce. When the divorce was final it was such a relief. Like having a fence post removed from my ass. Tough times bro. Family.

[Turkish]

Turkish... Your situation is a tough one and I feel for you. I wouldn't want to trade places. Just a thought. What ever we live is what becomes our normal. The kids, in my opinion should be the main focus of your relationship now. A very wise person put it to me like this... .Put yourself first because without your self you can experience only nothing. Put your job next because you need it to take care of yourself. If you want to take care of anyone else you have to take care of your self first. Thirdly take care of your family, your children. He also told me that for my children... .What's better? To come from a broken home or to live in one? I was going through a desperation that led to a divorce. When the divorce was final it was such a relief. Like having a fence post removed from my ass. Tough times bro. Family.

Thanks, Perfidy. That's a good line. I'll use it on her. I can't put myself first until she is gone. I told her this, "if I fall, we all fall, and you know that." I'm getting a lot of leeway at work right now, but it isn't going to last forever. I was doing a lot better until I got that text meant for him last week. Tired of her mirroring her parents' dysfunction in our household. I told her this, too. I need to keep telling it to her. Like a little kid.