Did your exBPD ever have a successful relationship?

[love4meNOTu]

I'm the third Mrs. Mrs. uBPxh. He's now on number four.

Do those of you who have the knowledge, know if your ex has had or has remained in a successful marriage or relationship?

You all know why I am asking. This just hurts too much to take.

love4

[Naddred369]

hello love4menotu 

I was actually thinking about this today.

NOPE! not one normal successful/normal relationship.She gave me her past history and the ex's are ALL truly terrible people(really?) apart from her first love who left her coz she treated him terribly (her admission)

First love: he left.

next,a lesbian relationship. Not sure how or why that ended.

Next:her husband of 4 years. She overlapped him with... .

Me: 4years of BPD rollercoaster rides. Terribly abusive and so addictive! She overlapped me with... .

A Binman/trash collector! lasted 3 months. She overlapped him with... .

some random, then went back to the... .

Binman! Lasted few weeks. She overlapped him with... .

Me:. you would think i would have learned! We lasted 10 months. She overlapped me with... .

a chap from her work.

Something tells me this isnt going to last very long.She is totally unable to sustain a relationship due to BPD.

This is her behaviour pattern and WILL NOT change unless she seeks help but she beleives everyone else is at fault and she is the victim.

What a life.

[KE151]

NO.

All of them have been chaotic in one way or another:

- overlapping r/s's

- married men

- abusive men

- "boring" men

- mentally ill men

- addicts

(all of the above according to her definition, i.e. it's never been her fault ).

There has always been an element of disorder, pain or catastrophe.

It made me think: as i'm painted pitch black, what category am I of the above... .? Probably abusive and mentally ill. 

[Naddred369]

KE151

It is never thier fault is it?

I bet im painted so black its unreal, mentaly ill, phsyco, just like all the rest!

Your right about the element of disorder/chaos all her stories had this in them and she was the victim.

My pet name for her was "my goddess of chaos" coz she was.

[Pretty Woman]

I will give you a breakdown of my ex. Don't judge It's pretty bad. I don't think she was ever in a relationship over 3yrs... .if she was there was cheating involved and that involved going back to exes.

-got pregnant at 17 by an older married man.  Got the man to leave his wife and sign over the baby. She put the baby up for adoption and dumped the man.

-married a gentleman she started dating WHILE pregnant. After an argument she aborted their baby and he left to Hawaii for a year.  Came back and they got back together. After a fight he tried to commit suicide and she left him. Got back together and he cheated on her with his boss and got the boss pregnant.

-ex decided she is now gay. Starts hanging out with drug dealers and a bad crowd. Is rescued by a 400lb lesbian and moves in with her.

-ex leaves 400lb lesbian for a woman named Tammy. Lives with this woman several years and then leaves her for a woman she meets in an S&M club named Liza.

- Her exes get together (Tammy and the 400ld lesbian). She leaves Liza and steals back Tammy.

-Moves with Tammy to Oregon for a few years. They split up and she moves to Minnesota where Liza lives. Dates Liza for awhile. They split and she buys a house and lives with a woman named Patricia.  Patricia rapes my ex and Liza comes to the rescue and they evict her.

Liza and my ex move in together. During this time my ex cheats on Liza with Tammy but somehow she gets back together with Liza. Liza finally dumps my ex when my ex's father physically pushes her on the front porch.

-My ex moves to Wisc and starts dating a cop. She buys her an engagement ring which this woman wears upside down in public and around friends. Woman eventually dumps my ex.

-Ex moves on to the cops friend who is a prison psychiatrist (true----I looked it up). They fight like crazy and my ex ends up losing her job and GAMBLING away her 401K and savings. She is over 25K in debt.

-Ex moves to IL and meets me. I ask her out. Tells me she had to change her number on her last ex and get a restraining order. Not even a month into our relationship she is speaking this ex, Laura on the phone regularly and sending her pictures of us?

-During this time she is talking to Liza, Tammy AND Laura. Soon all are attached but Liza is going through a divorce with her partner.

-after a stupid argument my ex leaves me and runs off to be with her "soulmate", Liza in Minnesota.  She comes back to me a month later.

-In the middle of all this (before me) she has a polyamourous relationship with a husband and wife. Gets the husband to leave the wife and they continue a relationship for a few years.

-There was also a bodybuilder she dated for awhile in Wisconsin as well as another woman who had a child. She told me she went on vacation with the woman and she stopped talking to her during the trip and never talked to her again. I thought that was weird too.

-Once after my ex spit on me in a rage she rocked back and forth on my couch saying "I have brain issues, I have brain issues". It was very frightening.

-Present day: Dating a mutual friend of mine who knows this ENTIRE story.

Paybacks are a b_tch. No longer my problem

Given the history she also has no friends except one here in our area. All her friends are old friends she only speaks with on FB but recalls fond stories of them like they are best friends.

So to answer your question... .I don't know of one single relationship that has been stable in her life.

On the other hand I have had them and let me tell you, my personal life is not this crazy. Ive dated two people seriously. This is insane and not me... .I think I just cared and tried to give her stability she is not capable of.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh goodness... this is too familiar.

Mrs. uBPxh number 1 - cheated on him.

Mrs. uBPxh number 2 - cheated on him and abused him.


***Countless Girlfriends in between**** None were good enough, or paid enough attention to him or were stingy, or were too attached to their children (didn't put him first).

Mrs. uBPxh number 3 (me) - was accused of cheating on him, but he could not prove (uh yea right, cuz it didn't happen). Does not behave in a "wifely" manner (as in be at my beck and call, do whatever I say without question and worship everything I do).

Mrs. uBPxh number 4 - good luck to her.

Damn this hurts.

[Pretty Woman]

Loveformenotu,

It hurts because it is f'd up.

No one acts like this. We all suffer from some sort of post traumatic stress disorder after dating someone like this. We get conditioned to them coming back... .and they will when they run out of supply. We look to them for validation, to let us know we matter.

Problem is, if we ourselves were healthy we would not need their validation.

Don't beat yourself up. Hug yourself. You are darn special and you didn't deserve this.

[Ironmanrises]

No. She had posted this one picture on her twitter account that had these two words "Everyone leaves" dated to even before meeting me. When I first saw it, I had no idea about BPD. Now, in the aftermath, this said everything. Mine told me all her relationships prior to me were turbulent. One guy hit her(her deceased kids father). One guy cheated on her. On and on. Was any of it true? Unknown. I could only take her word on it. And then I came along. I treated her really well. Didn't matter. Two rounds later, I am here. Twice discarded. "Everyone leaves", I see is now "I leave everyone" but I cannot show that so I have to show the opposite. A cruel contradiction. Hurts me to remember all of this.

[Waifed]

I believe all of the exes relationships lasted between 2 - 3 years.  It is funny because I think these people will date anyone that pays attention to them and has a sexual organ to satisfy them.  I believe they use our sexual organs to masturbate themselves.  Unbelievable really.  I think that is part of the reason it hurts so much, because we were just used. 

[Pretty Woman]

On one of these forums a dr. did a study where the typical BPD relationship is 18mo or 15yrs.

Mine was 18mo (if you include breakups... .I hope I can include those)!

Imagine 15yrs of this. Just think how old you would be (and how miserable) 15yrs from now in this relationship.

Food for thought!

[Turkish]

Well, by definition, if they left one, then no. But I know what you are saying... .

Her previous one turned out to be a criminal. She discarded him after only 8 months. The one before that was The Love Of Her Life. I think that lasted almost 2 years. He left her, of course, came back to use her physically (and she was so "in love" that she let him), then discarded her again. Before that, it was brief, late teen and early adult relationships. Nothing serious.

Mine did: with me. 3x longer than any other relationship she's had. With kids now and everything.

She "fixed" herself to never have kids again. So in reality (yes, reality), I was and ever will be the most "successful" she will ever have. At least the most mature, adult one. Our kids are the only thing, I think, that keep her on this planet. That will be a terrible burden to them in later years (emotional incest), or even sooner. I just hope I am around long enough to be stable for them. 

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you all for your responses, I'm still shattered but I'm coping. I am the queen of beating myself up, so this situation is just another reason for me to "dislike" myself.

Here is what is getting me through, these two quotes:

Only the strong can endure the shattering, the weak need their defenses (as in another woman, wife #4).

AND

Your value should not be determined by how somebody else has treated you.

Amen.

[Perfidy]

Not sure what successful means. I had a r/s with her for almost 8 years. That ended in disaster. Now she is in another r/s that she began while I THOUGHT we were still together. I guess I could sum it up like this. She has always been in a relationship... .Just not with the same guy. Successful? I don't know. I suppose if she is getting what ever it is that she needs?

[Learning_curve74]

Do those of you who have the knowledge, know if your ex has had or has remained in a successful marriage or relationship?

No. That is why I am on the Leaving board. 

Also, I doubt she ever will be in a long lasting healthy relationship unless she undergoes tons of therapy. She's really f***ed up, and that is not me being mean, simply a statement of reality.

[Waifed]

Well, by definition, if they left one, then no. But I know what you are saying... .

Her previous one turned out to be a criminal. She discarded him after only 8 months. The one before that was The Love Of Her Life. I think that lasted almost 2 years. He left her, of course, came back to use her physically (and she was so "in love" that she let him), then discarded her again. Before that, it was brief, late teen and early adult relationships. Nothing serious.

Mine did: with me. 3x longer than any other relationship she's had. With kids now and everything.

She "fixed" herself to never have kids again. So in reality (yes, reality), I was and ever will be the most "successful" she will ever have. At least the most mature, adult one. Our kids are the only thing, I think, that keep her on this planet. That will be a terrible burden to them in later years (emotional incest), or even sooner. I just hope I am around long enough to be stable for them. 

Turkish, FWIW, I think if their partner leaves them it is more likely to be the love of their life. Especially if they have narcisstic traits. The pain from the loss of control probably hurts them more than anything and they likely don't forget that.

[love4meNOTu]

I don't know waifed...

I left mine, said I wanted a divorce. Filed for divorce immediately. Had to call the police on him when he was raging... he finally left my home.

Reached out a month ago and was told he was "in love with" and "belonged to" someone else. He's engaged, and we've been divorced only 56 days.

So much for being the love of his life?

[maxen]

hi love4me. you may rest assured that my stbxw has never had a stable relationship. and she ended three, now four, of them the same way: by starting something else behind her partner's back. someone came along who said they'd love her harder, and off she went. yes, more fool me, but i really thought it would be different with vows and age and the security of a marriage. (full disclosure i was in two long term relationships, and one shorter term, before we married, when i was 49.)

so i would like to think that this one will fail too (as i've recently posted on another thread). but i wonder of it will succeed, because of one significant difference, that i haven't mentioned here yet because i really don't know how significant it is. the other party is a woman. now i know that sexuality comes on a sliding scale, but she said to me quite flatly after she bolted "oh no, i'm not gay," she's only ever dated guys in her life, the evidence of the bedroom tells me that she reallllllly likes boy-sex, and she twice broached the topic of reconciliation with me, a guy. i've read elsewhere on this site that this is not uncommon in pwBPD, that it's a manifestation of confusion of identity. and what may be more important is that the paramour certainly presents a clear personality for my emotionally passive wife to be absorbed into: a woman with a high-n-tight haircut who drives a jeep and was aggressive to me twice in our one encounter. (i was always uncomfortable with my w's attempts to absorb into me, which must have felt like a terrible rejection to her.) i have to imagine that she will have a different set of expectations in a relationship with a woman, so it may work where all the others have failed, but if she's not gay she won't have the same depth of emotional experience, so she may give it up (and come back. this is how i torment myself each and every day).

this of course makes no difference to the fact of her deceit and infidelity and the degradation and isolation into which i've been pitched. that she would kick over, at age 48, what we had built, does not bode well for her future.

[Discovery]

No.

In all his r/s, he left.

He is now 48.

[FogLight]

No, they all ended, and badly.  Family relationships?  They can't stand her and she rages at them a lot.  Friendships?  She could usually have one semi close friend at a time, but never for longer than a few months.  I was by far her longest lasting bf at over 5 years, and now I'm most likely the demonic abusive creature and the poor new guy is/was the shining knight.  I bet he thinks I wear a wifebeater with exBPDgf's name on it.  Come to think of it, I just might have one made, in black, and I'll wear it when I see her coming at me with big recycle symbols in her eyes again, that reaction would be priceless.  I'm just glad our relationship ended, that was the most successful part.

[bpdspell]

That would be a big fat "HELL NO".

They are cantankerous, entitled and abusive in relationships. Nowadays not too many people have the where with all to stand them once the masks drops and drop it will.

Spell

[damage control]

No ... .from what I know, longest was 4 years but when they moved in together it fell apart - that was when he was in his 20's. The woman before me was 3 years but he 'stopped desiring' her just 3 months in and they tried all sorts of experiments like finding other couples to sleep with etc ... according to him, she 'made' him have sex with her (and I am sure that he made her feel like that - degraded for wanting to have sex) ... he completely immerses himself emotionally and sexually and then punishes the other person by withdrawing the intimacy and the sex suddenly ... what a gem.

Doesn't believe in marriage, doesn't believe in relationships, claims to have never been in love, has toxic relationship with his parents (hates his mother and I have seen the fury she brings out in him first-hand) ... is actually afraid of/angry with women but presents himself as a charming feminist ... .___ing evil.

[hurtbyboderline]

No, never... .An ex hubby in a marriage that failed. Married 16 years, split & back together twice. Constant cheating, at one point with 3 steady BF's. Then the BF before me who she was with for 5 years which failed. They split dozens of times. Constant cheating. Then me for 4 + years. Only 1 split of a month before this last one. Several short term splits. You know, just long enough for her to not call it cheating cuz we weren't together for 2 or 3 hours... .Dozens of relationships that lasted a week, 2 weeks, maybe a month... .ALL failed. I read a list that her ex hubby wrote that stated the things he didn't like about her. It as a perfect BPD trait list! Also read e-mails that her ex before me wrote, also a perfect BPD trait list! My ex will NEVER have a successful relationship unless she gets some serious therapy. Med's did help with her ups/downs, depression, etc BUT didn't stop the cheating & lying... .   zzz

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi L 

Succesful? Lol no.

According to his " story", he only had 2 girlfriends before me, only lasting a few months, one was a cheat ( apparently), the other " forced" him to commit burglary?, we were together 8 years.He hit the codependant jackpot with me... .

His family cant stand him because he goes for long periods without seeing them,when he does at places like funerals n wotnot, he rages, makes a scene ANYWHERE, they barely tolerate him, but to hear him speak, they think hes the greatest thing since sliced bread... .

He has few friends, keeps 1 devoted " follower" around till alll used up, then paints him black n tata buddy, truth is he's a dick, he wouldnt know how to sustain/ contribute to a healthy r/ s, it just aint possible, I know this may sound childish but knowing that fact, it actually helps me detach.

[Nearlybroken]

My ex... .was with a girl since early adolescence.Dumped her after 12 years following an affair with a much older  lady who became his wife.They spent more time apart following fights than they did together.They married as she demanded commitment from him.Marriage lasted 8 weeks or so.His wife went back to husband number 3 (my ex was 4).I met him and during a time we were apart he went back to his wife behind the back of husband 3.We reunited and it all went wrong.He tried  again with wife... .failed.Wife went back to husband 3 again.He tried with me again.I do not think he ever stopped contact with his wife.Throughout the time that I knew him I am fully aware that he was flirting withothers and I suspect has the next victim lined up.How do I suspect that?Well, yesterday I got a text telling me that someone has paid attention to him and asked him out.She was a lovely girl and did I have any views on the subject!Madness.NB.x

[Pretty Woman]

I remember my ex telling me one woman she had a long relationship with she never had sex with but they were very intimate in each others lives.

A part of me feels that is how we were. We had sex a lot at the beginning but each time she dumped me I pulled away. Still, I think we were very intimate in other ways and that intimacy scared her... .like when I expressed something that was bothering me she couldn't cope with my stress, esp if she was stressed herself.

Looking back on all her relationships though, they were all over the place... .men, women, couples. It was so dysfunctional. When we would argue she would say she needed calm and "peace". She had a lot of buddhist items around her house, candles and incense.

But she seems to thrive on chaos.  Our life was calm and she would freak out.

[Changingman]

Random guy she met on a train, 2 days sex

Tried to pass her driving test by sleeping with testman

1 year with a guy i know ( an ex of hers who i knew 2 months before i met her ) she had a termination with him and admitted 4 affairs in that year

1 year with her boss he never talked to her again

Sleeping with a married guy for a 4 months while his wife was 6 months pregnant almost up to the birth

Me, 4 years serial cheating, made me think i was paranoid/jealous, 6 month affair behind my back at the end, realise now she phoned me/texted me when with him for fun. Not that i'd know just like I'm out drinking with xxxx ( girl she worked with ) be home soon, hard to leave though.

Told me she'd had 54 sexual partners, no real RSs with anyone, no friends really

Her RSs are all destroyed at the end, her Mum and Dad don't like her even.

I dislike her she is so nothing about anything but herself