Was your exBPD desperate to get married?

[swimjim]

Was your exBPD desperate to get married after dating 5 or 6 months? I was promised everlasting love if I was to marry her. I wanted to take things slower  which inevitably began her detachment of me. I sometimes wrestle with guilt for not buying her the ring she so wanted badly. I often ask myself if I still would have been split black had I married her.  When I didn't cave into her marriage ultimatum, she started resenting me. That was cause for more concern on my part. Would I have avoided this painful breakup had I married her or was it still going to happen to me? Can anyone help me with the experience you had in actually following through with marrying her?

[Pretty Woman]

She kept saying she wanted a partner. She couldn't understand why we weren't living together after a year. The big joke is what does a lesbian bring to a 2nd date... .a Uhaul.

I thought this was the norm but my gay friends say not so, many had their own homes for years.

She had no money for a ring but always talked about us getting married. That I was her "dream girl".

Until the next one comes along... .

[Pretty Woman]

With all her dumping me (6 times in 18mo) I am glad I never moved her in.

[Jbt857]

I met my exBPDh of 10 years when I was on vacation. We kept in touch after that first weekend and about 8 weeks later, I went back to see him. He proposed. I said yes. I'd never felt like that before. I thought he was 'the one'. He pushed to get married after about 3 months, but I insisted we wait a year.

Now, he is from a different culture and fast marriages are more normal, so I know it's super-fast, but it didn't feel quite so insane as it sounds now that I'm typing it.  

The day before we got married, he kicked off and caused a drama, completely ruining my hen night (which was a night with some close friends at home, rather than some 'girls gone wild' crazy thing, fwiw).

I spent the morning of my wedding questioning if I was doing the right thing. I did it anyway.

With hindsight, I wish I hadn't.

Honestly - being married was something I took extremely seriously. I committed to better or worse. Most of it was worse.

Being married simply prolonged the agony and increased the disorder of our marriage. Had I not married him, I like to think I would have seen sense and got out a hell of a lot sooner.

Aren't you glad you didn't feel tied to doing that crazy stuff out of a sense of obligation to your morals and values? That's what marriage gave me. I lost a decade of my life to that craziness.

[toomanytears]

We were engaged after just three days. I was a romantic 24 year old. Our marriage lasted 31 years until August this year when it imploded, finally. Very fast. I'm still in shock but coming to terms with it. So many red flags I ignored (he had been engaged twice before.) I could only see the similarities between us and there were many: family, background, interests, etc. That sense of being with a soul mate has kept me hanging on through all the ups and downs. The unravelling is the hardest thing I'm going through. It hurts so bad that it was really all an illusion. When I dwell on it like I am now it's unbearable.

[swimjim]

Somehow I think the ring would not have been enough. Then it would have been a new car, remodeling the kitchen, new house etc. Am I right in thinking this? Is it really a bottomless hole that you keep trying to fill?

[toomanytears]

Somehow I think the ring would not have been enough. Then it would have been a new car, remodeling the kitchen, new house etc. Am I right in thinking this? Is it really a bottomless hole that you keep trying to fill?

Hi swimjim. Yes bottomless hole is right. It took me years to twig that nothing was ever, ever going to make things right.

[Jbt857]

We were engaged after just three days. I was a romantic 24 year old. Our marriage lasted 31 years until August this year when it imploded, finally. Very fast. I'm still in shock but coming to terms with it. So many red flags I ignored (he had been engaged twice before.) I could only see the similarities between us and there were many: family, background, interests, etc. That sense of being with a soul mate has kept me hanging on through all the ups and downs. The unravelling is the hardest thing I'm going through. It hurts so bad that it was really all an illusion. When I dwell on it like I am now it's unbearable.

Wow, 31 years! 

I identified with everything you wrote. What are you doing to help and look at you in all of it? I know I try to not to focus exclusively on his BPD - working on you is important too.

I wish you well. We will get through this. 

[maxen]

yes she was desperate to get married. but then i was keen on it too.

Somehow I think the ring would not have been enough. Then it would have been a new car, remodeling the kitchen, new house etc. Am I right in thinking this? Is it really a bottomless hole that you keep trying to fill?

Hi swimjim. Yes bottomless hole is right. It took me years to twig that nothing was ever, ever going to make things right.

my experience also.

[Turkish]

Somehow I think the ring would not have been enough. Then it would have been a new car, remodeling the kitchen, new house etc. Am I right in thinking this? Is it really a bottomless hole that you keep trying to fill?

Yes.  mine was still talking about a $30k  remodel a  month or so before she called us quits,  but to mention the expensive suv I  bought the family ( her)  two weeks before.  She then said none of that stuff mattered... . just things like the flower I got her a few months ago " just because".  the  expensive tablet didn't matter... . just the wrong color case for it which proved in her mind that I didn't love her.

mine has a pathological fear of marriage due to seeing her mother suffer.  ironic that she became like her father,  the abuser and cheater.  we were permanently engaged. I  guess that I was hesitant to marry her further proved that I didn't love her.  but I knew doing so would have triggered this sooner.  She operates on her fears.  they are what drive her.