Realizing one of the hardest things was the fear of her suicide

[LivingLearning]

It's dawned on me over time that what I intellectually knew could be tough on me, was maybe more tough than I understood. That she could kill herself.

It was a fear I had of my mom. And my ex., would allude to or talk of it- killing herself. That, in combination with her sometimes very heated comments of "I've not been like this before", had a big effect on me. That it was me that caused her to be so upset.

Even now I find myself wanting to explain to this community, to this group. Explain how it "wasn't me." Thats a good sign I still feel at times like maybe it was me. Or at the very least, that people won't understand.

   

I sometimes battle with these learned scripts that say "its me", and this inner knowing that it wasn't.

I've had some people I care about kill themselves. It's hard. The last guy was a good guy friend of mine. I remember getting together with some joint friends afterwards. They were all hell-bent on communicating just how unexpected it was. They were all about saying to each other and me that we couldn't have done anything.

What I did notice, was how anxious they seemed. I also remember how I actually didn't think they always treated the guy that killed himself so well. I remember thinking and wanting to say, to scream "look! Cut it out! of course him killing himself was not your fault! but stop it! stop trying to make yourselves feel better! We all saw him retracting socially, you saw it, I saw it. We all could have done something."

I figure its better to make me feel better by saying "of course Im not responsible for someones life. They do what they do. Yet, if they kill themselves, I can also rationally learn from that and do something different the next time. And even so, maybe they'd kill themselves anyhow."

Nonetheless, with this guy that did it, I saw a lot of my friends behave really strangely with him before he did it. And I'd do some things differently if I could go back, though I think I was pretty decent.

I just wish people in general would be responsible, with measure. And I wonder if even now I still struggle with that myself. What could I have done different, in so many instances... .do I feel sad or responsible in some ways in my life that I don't admit to myself? Do I fear letting people be responsible for themselves? What is the balance? Does "tough love" scare me because if I do it "wrong" someone could end up having killed themselves- gone forever?

Thinking of my ex killing herself may have kept me enmeshed more than anything else I figure.

[LivingLearning]

And one more thing, this is good to get out so I future I'll keep writing a bit more.

I realize how much anger there is. And how much anger I repressed/repress with my mom and my ex., because I didn't want to do the "wrong thing".

Sometimes I want to, and I don't, scream at my mom " are you kidding me! Ive spent years in therapy, read hundreds of books, to try and deal with this crap, WHY DONT YOU!"

Or at my ex "Are you kidding me! all this stuff you say of me! It's such a load of hit__! Why don't you take some responsibility and do some hard work like I have and face this stuff! Stop putting it on me!"

And what I mostly do is write in journals, go to yoga everyday and sweat it out, and deal as best I can.

But sometimes I wonder if I've kept too much inside, not said more of what I think. I'd like to find a balance where I can actually have that voice. I feel like I've come a long way in 20 years at communicating what Im feeling... .yet after all this time, it's still a struggle sometimes to choose when to be silent, and when to speak.


ugh! UGH!

[Surnia]

Hi LivingLearning

Dealing with suicide is in my opinion a very difficult thing. Its one of the things I am really grateful not to be confronted in my near surround. So first of all a big 

I would say there is a grain of truth in both opinions. That we cannot prevent someone if he is really decided to kill himself. And that we can try to offer help. Like keep in touch with someone, validate feelings and recommend in a gentle way to speak with a professional or a suicide helpline. Like being aware that many people in our society are dealing with depression.

About your anger, its okay to have it. Sweating it out or writing down, all this are good things. You will find a balance. Keep going, LivingLearning. 

[LivingLearning]

Thanks for the empathy emoticon Surnia, and offering your thoughts. Yeah, I agree with you on what you say!

Also, I love communication and I look here for shared experience, different from teaching... .

Have you had similar experiences? How do you manage that balance in your life?

[Surnia]

About dealing with anger: I was sometimes on the low end side with energy, slightly depressed and not angry. I had to learn that being angry makes me stronger.

For me its a challenge to accept my anger. I try to look behind my anger. Its sometimes a sign that I have to change things or that I have weak boundaries.