My mind is caught in flashback mode

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's driving me insane. Like I really feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not intentionally thinking of him but these random memories are constantly coming into my mind. Like a movie is on and it is replaying moments from the last 8 years of my life that I spent with him. Is this how the acceptance or healing works? Am I looking at things from a new perspective so my subconscious is analyzing the data trying to make sense of what the hell happened? I'm not pushing it away because I figure it is better to not repress it but it hurts so much to have these memories come up at a time when he is the last thing I want to be thinking about. I keep myself very busy and I read on the boards. I'm doing the work. But it isn't getting easier.

It's been 2 months nc and 3 since he left. It feels like an eternity though. I was

Oozing at pictures with my daughter and I saw some of all of us when we had only been together for 2 years. He really did look so happy then. There was genuine smiles and a spark in his eyes. Yes he was having his moments of abuse and the games had started but he did look so in love with me. I can see a huge difference in recent pictures. He looks angry and distant.

It hurts to do everything right now. All I can feel is the void of him. Like when I take my daughter to the movies, he isn't there to help carry the popcorn and drinks or to rest my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. Sometimes I just want to call him so bad just to hear his voice or tell him something. This will be my first thanksgiving without him in 8 years. How do I do that? I know I should be glad he isn't calling but sometimes I just want him to to feel like he really does still love me. My daughter says if I were ever to get back with him she would run away. She told me if I haven't learned by now I never will. How can my 13 year old be so much more mature than me about this? Why can't I just let him go and move on? Why can't my mind just turn off the past and the memories and move on? What is wrong with me?

[Supernova9star]

It's driving me insane. Like I really feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not intentionally thinking of him but these random memories are constantly coming into my mind. Like a movie is on and it is replaying moments from the last 8 years of my life that I spent with him. Is this how the acceptance or healing works? Am I looking at things from a new perspective so my subconscious is analyzing the data trying to make sense of what the hell happened? I'm not pushing it away because I figure it is better to not repress it but it hurts so much to have these memories come up at a time when he is the last thing I want to be thinking about. I keep myself very busy and I read on the boards. I'm doing the work. But it isn't getting easier.

It's been 2 months nc and 3 since he left. It feels like an eternity though. I was

Oozing at pictures with my daughter and I saw some of all of us when we had only been together for 2 years. He really did look so happy then. There was genuine smiles and a spark in his eyes. Yes he was having his moments of abuse and the games had started but he did look so in love with me. I can see a huge difference in recent pictures. He looks angry and distant.

It hurts to do everything right now. All I can feel is the void of him. Like when I take my daughter to the movies, he isn't there to help carry the popcorn and drinks or to rest my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. Sometimes I just want to call him so bad just to hear his voice or tell him something. This will be my first thanksgiving without him in 8 years. How do I do that? I know I should be glad he isn't calling but sometimes I just want him to to feel like he really does still love me. My daughter says if I were ever to get back with him she would run away. She told me if I haven't learned by now I never will. How can my 13 year old be so much more mature than me about this? Why can't I just let him go and move on? Why can't my mind just turn off the past and the memories and move on? What is wrong with me?

[Ironmanrises]

I know exactly how you feel. The flashbacks, the memories flashing right before me, with no real way to just shut the movie reel off. I know it hurts. For me, I let those flashbacks roll on. Then the tears come. I let those fall too. I ask myself the same questions, what is wrong with me, etc. I am hurting is the only answer that surfaces. You are 2 months NC which is a short time considering how long you were with him. Keep posting on here, Supernova(love your screen name btw, I love astronomy). Know you are not alone. 

[seeking balance]

There is nothing wrong with you supernova... .you are grieving.

I know how hard the holidays can be after 8 years... .it is going to be hard at times, but breathe and keep in mind this is as bad as it gets, you only have to have 1 first holiday without him.  You will be ok and you won't feel like this forever.

The little things are very important now... .breathe, sleep, eat, exercise... .you will create a new normal.   You are not alone, you have a 13 year old that if you let her, can be a good distraction.

For me, I didn't look at pics for a long time, too triggering.  Treat yourself with kid gloves. 

When my ex and I separated, one of my best friends husband died that same month.  Over the years, our grief processes have been similar and nobody told her to be over it in a few months... .give yourself the same compassion... .a loss is a loss.  8 years is a long time, of course you feel completely overwhelmed.

My neighbor was over for coffee yesterday and we got on the topic of my ex and me that first 6 months going through the breakup and starting the divorce process.  She reminded me that I asked her several times a week if she was sure I wasn't the one crazy, because I wasn't convinced... .it's grief combined with a very large betrayal of our partner and ourselves.

Be kind to you right now... .it will be ok ... .honestly, time does help.

Peace,

SB

[fromheeltoheal]

Like Iron said, its very early after an 8 year relationship.  What helped me is to focus on all the bad times, the abuse, the hatred, make yourself a list of all the unacceptable behaviors and focus on them.  A borderline is the epitome of mixed messages and you will miss him if you give focus and energy to the good you saw in him and the positive memories, but you broke up for a reason, probably many, and focusing on that side will help.

The other helpful piece is starting to focus on a future without him, as painful as that might be right now, but you probably know intellectually that its right for you and your daughter.  You can start by deciding to have ar real Thanksgiving with your daughter and whoever else, on purpose.  Good for you for putting yourself out here on this site, stay here, and take care of you.

[Discovery]

It's driving me insane. Like I really feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm not intentionally thinking of him but these random memories are constantly coming into my mind. Like a movie is on and it is replaying moments from the last 8 years of my life that I spent with him. ... .  it hurts so much to have these memories come up at a time when he is the last thing I want to be thinking about.

Supernova, I've wished I could just ERASE it ALL... .my r/s was 7 years and I also wish I could turn my brain OFF. It's so distressing having all the random memories reappearing and that feeling of the separation and loss over and over and over. Triggers are everywhere, and when I am still or quiet images of him/us won't go away. For me, I think a lot of it is magnified b/c there was no closure... .my mind is trying in vain to make sense of what happened... .Then there are the dreams... .I woke up this morning sobbing after yet another dream which felt so real.

Since the discard, when the "happy" memories come back, I've felt so crazy... .how could we have shared all of that so deeply, and then he just suddenly decides it's over severs all contact? One thing I did was recommended somewhere on these boards for dealing with emotional memories. Learning that pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a 3-year-old, when I get those memories, I imagine the words "Emotional 3-y-o" in green letters at the top of the image (memory).  This reminds me that when he was happy and we were having a wonderful time, he was emotionally 3 years old. Happy, happy. AND when he was having a mini-rage, he was emotionally 3 years old. AND when he painted me black and suddenly exited the r/s, he was emotionally 3 years old. It has helped me a little so that the happy memories don't hurt as much. I can see that we WERE both happy in those moments... .so I don't have to think of it as "fake" on his part... .that hurts a little less.

I also try to deliberately bring up the bad memories... .at the end, his angry, cold look, the cold way he spoke to me, the times during the r/s he raged, got into b/w thinking, distanced and all the other passive-aggressive stuff.

But I'd be lying if I said it was easy. The positive memories are the worst part of recovery for me. How do you forget 7 years worth of memories? (most of mine are good... .he is high-functioning and it was 90% good; 10% bad overall). I'm at 7 weeks NC and sometimes feel like I'll never be mentally free again.