boundaries and personal questions help needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi I am feeling a bit angry at myself today because i have yet again been caught out by being asked a personal question. Everytime someone asks something and i am not obliged to answer i just find it incredibly hard to stand up for myself and say no to it. Only a few days ago i read a whole blog on this subject yet when my nosy neighbour asked where my partner had been for the last few weeks i crumbled and told him he had gone away on holiday and would be back in a few days. I was then left feeling incredibly angry at myself for having answered him instead of using one of the techniques i had read about. I think im annoyed because i hate people asking about my business, i get defensive about that maybe becasue of my uBPD mother and father. They always have something critical to say about my life.

This is a reoccuring problem for me and it makes me feel so weak and defenseless, that then makes me fall into victim mode. I try really hard to find my voice but usually with certain types of people especialy the critical parent types i crumble.

On days like this i feel so much anger towards my parents for not allowing me to have any boundaries or rights to have a say on things.They are still the same even now. Most recently my father came over and systematically ripped apart my house and i stood there and took it. A few weeks later i ended up having a huge row with him on the phone abuot it and i went NC with him. I am also NC with my mother after i stood up to her too.

I dont know what to do. I have gone to assertive classes but that was about 10 years ago and i have just asked to join another but its not starting in february.If i do stand up for myself after taking a number of boundary intrusions  i usually slip into angry mode and go for their jugular  rather than dealing with people calmly and assertively. Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this situation? I have also gotten hurt too many times because i am too open... .Helpppp :'(

[lucylou]

Hi I am feeling a bit angry at myself today because i have yet again been caught out by being asked a personal question. Everytime someone asks something and i am not obliged to answer i just find it incredibly hard to stand up for myself and say no to it. Only a few days ago i read a whole blog on this subject yet when my nosy neighbour asked where my partner had been for the last few weeks i crumbled and told him he had gone away on holiday and would be back in a few days. I was then left feeling incredibly angry at myself for having answered him instead of using one of the techniques i had read about. I think im annoyed because i hate people asking about my business, i get defensive about that maybe becasue of my uBPD mother and father. They always have something critical to say about my life.

This is a reoccuring problem for me and it makes me feel so weak and defenseless, that then makes me fall into victim mode. I try really hard to find my voice but usually with certain types of people especialy the critical parent types i crumble.

On days like this i feel so much anger towards my parents for not allowing me to have any boundaries or rights to have a say on things.They are still the same even now. Most recently my father came over and systematically ripped apart my house and i stood there and took it. A few weeks later i ended up having a huge row with him on the phone abuot it and i went NC with him. I am also NC with my mother after i stood up to her too.

I dont know what to do. I have gone to assertive classes but that was about 10 years ago and i have just asked to join another but its not starting in february.If i do stand up for myself after taking a number of boundary intrusions  i usually slip into angry mode and go for their jugular  rather than dealing with people calmly and assertively. Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this situation? I have also gotten hurt too many times because i am too open... .Helpppp :'(

[GeekyGirl]

Sometimes people will ask questions that are uncomfortable, and while they may have good intentions, I can understand why you'd be incensed, lucylou, when you feel like they're too personal and intrusive.

You don't need to answer questions that you think are too personal; a polite, "thank you for asking, but I'm not comfortable talking about it," will usually stop people from probing any further. Most people understand that other people have boundaries. Could you try saying something like that to your father?

[Moonbeam77]

I have struggled with this same issue.  I believe I was conditioned as a little girl to not be rude, complain, "talk back", or basically not say anything out loud that may be judged as "negative".  As an adult I would then get the deer in the head lights look whenever I really needed to stand up for myself and/or speak the truth about a situation.  It does get easier just by practicing doing it.  Nobody is perfect so it will take some time before you will be comfortable doing it.

[DhammaGal]

I'm very new here but I can absolutely relate to this!  I have this issue too.  For me, I think it's roots are in how hard I am on myself.  I've found that when I "give myself a break" (i.e. Don't judge and ridicule myself for making mistakes, not changing the first time, etc... .), it helps me so much to set better boundaries.

The simple fact is that our brains are hardwired to certain behaviors and responses (based on upbringing, etc... .), and rewiring our brains takes a lot of time and patience and energy.

You are doing the best you can with what you have been given.  You are striving to better yourself, you are working towards awareness.  You are AWARE of this in you.  That is HUGE!  Give yourself credit for that!  You are doing awesome!  Remember that!

Give yourself a break.  Give yourself some time.  Not a set amount of time that you "think" it should take, but an infinite amount of time, if that's what you need.  You're rewiring your brain.  It's hard work.  It takes time.

Best of luck to you!

[Contradancer]

I feel this may be an intimacy issue.  I'm very reserved and it may be a way of hiding.  It's like flying beneath radar so no one has any info to hurt me with.  It's been difficult for me to open up emotionally to friends, but has become easier with some friends and my boyfriend--all who are emotionally healthy and have proven worthy of my trust.

[lucylou]

"thank you for asking, but I'm not comfortable talking about it," will usually stop people from probing any further. Most people understand that other people have boundaries. Could you try saying something like that to your father?

Yes thats a nice concise reply Geekygirl I ll write it on a piece of paper and practice saying it until it feels natural I was incensed yes because this neighbour has been a pain in the butt for a while and the problem is he also reminds me of my Father which is why i get triggered! It is like replying to him i guess I was NC with my Father since May then i sent him a birthday card in October and he replied with a letter which was very depressive and all about how difficult his life was.He didnt say sorry for the hurtful things he said about my house or for his behaviour generally.I ll give you an example of what he says. My partner is not from my country and my dad is always talking about foreigners coming here taking benefits and jobs. So you can see why i get upset right?  I dont think i want to start having him over to the house again just yet as i cant cope with him  Offloading all his negative bile onto my front carpet and then leaving happy :D It was great therapy for him but left me ill for days. I challenged him about his negativity and his insensitivity and asked him to tone it down when he  visited but he reacted by slamming the phone down on me. So although we are kind of back intouch, i dont want to go back to the good ol days :D  You have to laugh dont you :D

[lucylou]

I have struggled with this same issue.  I believe I was conditioned as a little girl to not be rude, complain, "talk back", or basically not say anything out loud that may be judged as "negative".

Oh gosh Moonbeam yes yes yes, my uBPD Mother was just like that! Her favorite line is "STOP SHOWING ME UP OR DONT START SHOWING YOURSELF UP" i can hear her voice in my head right now saying those words with that shaming look on her face. Do you know what? i dont miss seeing her one bit, but i still have her voice inside its like a nasty little gremlin who is attached to my shoulder policing everything and anything that i say. I ll tell you something else each time i write a post if i use the words "I" or "me" its like shes there saying "yes its always about you isnt it you are so full of yourself I I I ME ME ME". I really cannot stand her to be honest i know thats sad but both my parents are really not nice people, and unfortunately however much effort i have given to t rying to show them how they hurt me ofcourse they cant and wont beable to get it. So now they are frozen out of my life and that is THEIR loss. Sure i could go to alot of effort to keep reinforcing boundaries and ignoring their behaviour but in the long run all it would do is keep taking precious energy and positivity from my own life and i have lost enough time to toxic people  Sorry mum and dad but from now on i chose JOY and HAPPINESS thats what we all seek at the end of the day   I hope we can all heal from this   

[lucylou]

I'm very new here but I can absolutely relate to this!  I have this issue too.  For me, I think it's roots are in how hard I am on myself.  I've found that when I "give myself a break" (i.e. Don't judge and ridicule myself for making mistakes, not changing the first time, etc... .), it helps me so much to set better boundaries.

thanks so much for your words of support and encouragement and also 

You are spot on about being too hard on yourself, I definately need to stop those thoughts and also the judging and criticising. I know in changing them i will interrupt drawing more of the same situations to keep the story going. I guess its action whats needed and putting it all into practse and as you said giving yourself a break if you falter.I am my own worst critic for sure i guess i think it will hurt less if i do it but actually thats not true. Nevermind each day is the chance to start afresh and another baby step to  healing the old wiring    i just need to remember as you said to be kinder to myself.    Thanks for your help and good luck

Take care  

[lucylou]

I feel this may be an intimacy issue.  I'm very reserved and it may be a way of hiding.  It's like flying beneath radar so no one has any info to hurt me with.  It's been difficult for me to open up emotionally to friends, but has become easier with some friends and my boyfriend--all who are emotionally healthy and have proven worthy of my trust.

So true about the hiding contradancer, yep i am an expert at avoiding people you really nailed it! I also have intimacy issues and dont let people close, but when i do let my guard down it is usually to the wrong kind of person, ie another BPD.

With regard to the hiding  i will never forget as a child doing a part in the school play and seeing my mother in the audiance smirking and teasing. I was 5 then.I decided to turn my back to everyone and wouldnt face them. I guess i felt embarrased and shamed. The teacher told my mother "ITS SO STRANGE SHE WAS OK THE PREVIOUS NIGHT" i was never allowed to shine,like you contradancer i hid away so no one would notice me then id avoid my mothers envy and shaming and later other peoples. Thank you for that contradancer im glad to hear you have loving people around you now and thanks to all of  you, You are  so brilliant at seeing whats going on for others. I have a lump in my throat with your kindness and understanding because even putting a post out there is scary for me. Take care xxxxxxx

[Contradancer]

Post away, here.  This is a good place.

Hopefully, what I'm about to write may help you.  I've, over the decades, developed my family persona and my real self.  My real family has no clue who I am and what I'm like.  Not even favorite color or foods. It's my "adopted" family of friends who know me the way my FOO (family of origin) should know me.  I'm okay with this.  I know my BPDm isn't going to get treatment, hence the family dynamics will remain the same. With my close friends, I can be my authentic self. By having relationships that are healthy, I can more easily remind myself that my mother's behaviors and projections say every thing about her, and little or nothing about me.

Best wishes. 

[StarStruck]

Hi Everyone,

I have always been an absolute nightmare with this. Like I'm honest to a fault.

This is definitely one of my 'hangovers'. Strange though because I am pretty assertive and a confident person.

I say now... ."If you don't mind, I really don't want to talk about it"  or "too boring for words" (or some situations I am evasive and more long winded & use humor.)

Definitely a problem when you share too much, it makes you feel awful afterwards, really cross with yourself and annoyed that they have to be so blimin nosey in the first place.

Over the years I would say that sharing too much has left me vulnerable to the Narc and BPD's.

Not anymore now though!

I don't think the fact that I went to a church school when I was young helped. Sort of compacted the problem of being very selfless. Great trait but not when your abused by people for it.

I haven't had this sort of thing tested in a while because I have ditched all the people in my life with personality disorders (this took a little while). I also haven't come across any idiots recently.

The last time I was put on the spot badly was with my Mom that was about 3 yrs ago. I fell for it, saying too much. It was a shock what she asked, really caught me off guard.

Try not to be cross with yourself, this bit is really hard. The more you practice the more likely it is that you will get used to doing it off the bat (hope that makes sense). You get confident in doing it when you know your lines work. It also acts as a great advert that you don't take rubbish off people. Those people need to know that... .try nip stuff/comments in the bud ALWAYS!

Should say I realise that not all people that ask direct questions are weird, some think they are being 'helpful'

Interesting post lucylou