Has a BPD lover ever told you they "don't feel themselves" around you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The reason I ask this is, my ex UBPD lover (who I was trying to befriend) recently lashed out at me over text over nothing.

She deleted me off Facebook over a row where she misinterpreted an apology as being nasty and accused me of untruths. And I have been trying to ask her what I did exactly to upset her. As none of it made any sense.

And she replied saying "I don't know what it is you say/do but you make me act defensively and I don't feel myself around you. I'm not a fighter, so it's sad and confusing when I am like this. I must need to learn some "life skill""

She is the passive aggressive fighter type.     She had also previously accused me of regularly insulting her which is not true.

The comment about saying she doesn't feel herself around me, feels like she is blaming me for her behaviour. That somehow I make her act this way.

Is it common for BPDs to not feel themselves around certain loved ones (ie a lover or someone they care about) and blame them for making them feel that way? this sounds like it falls under projection... but not sure.

[Diana82]

The reason I ask this is, my ex UBPD lover (who I was trying to befriend) recently lashed out at me over text over nothing.

She deleted me off Facebook over a row where she misinterpreted an apology as being nasty and accused me of untruths. And I have been trying to ask her what I did exactly to upset her. As none of it made any sense.

And she replied saying "I don't know what it is you say/do but you make me act defensively and I don't feel myself around you. I'm not a fighter, so it's sad and confusing when I am like this. I must need to learn some "life skill""

She is the passive aggressive fighter type.     She had also previously accused me of regularly insulting her which is not true.

The comment about saying she doesn't feel herself around me, feels like she is blaming me for her behaviour. That somehow I make her act this way.

Is it common for BPDs to not feel themselves around certain loved ones (ie a lover or someone they care about) and blame them for making them feel that way? this sounds like it falls under projection... but not sure.

[Diana82]

I also found this info below... .

How do we deal with the blame game?  When the borderline blames you for "not feeling themselves"? In my case I responded to her message saying  "I can't make anyone act a certain way as we're all responsible for our own emotions and behaviour".

This made her angrier!  And she ended up sending me an article about how you shouldn't label women crazy just because you think their behaviour is inappropriate as well as a self-victimizing message telling me everyone thinks she is crazy and making me feel sorry for her. 

I ended up getting so angry that I told her to stop sending me these kinds of messages and that I had had enough of being made to feel bad over the way others had treated her and that she should focus her bitterness elsewhere.

But now I am thinking that message would have made her feel hurt even more.


EXCERPT BELOW:

It is very typical for someone with BPD to honestly believe, while in the throes of a cognitively distorted thought process that everything they feel is someone else’s fault. So often, a person with BPD will take out their confusion and pain on those who try to care for them; on those who try to get close and try to stay close to them. What happens when someone tries to care or to be close for many with BPD is that once a certain line is crossed in closeness or familiarity the other person ceases to be who they are in the reality of the world of the borderline.

Borderline narcissism takes over. What is then experienced from the inside (usually unbeknownst to the borderline) is a very deep and intense transference. What the borderline feels deep inside (often this is a very large amount of pain) is projected out on to the close person (or caring person) who often then becomes a “parent figure” as a transference takes place – the closest loved one.

The person with BPD then does the push-pull, in an effort to gain or maintain control. They feel out of control because they are re-experiencing painful feelings from their pasts. So unmet needs continue to escalate and the borderline gets angry – often to the point of rage, whether that rage is acted in or acted out – and demands more from the other person.

The other person, no doubt is confused, feeling attacked and like they can’t do anything “right” enough begins to pull away, in one form or another. This is the classic repeat of the borderline nightmare of abandonment.

[Kizza]

I know what you mean... .

I cop that a lot. I'm always the one to blame for everything. It's hard to deal with and concerning at times.

For both our sakes and everyone else out there I hope we can find answers for these sort of questions... .The only thing I've done is tell my wife outright that her behaviour is inappropriate works well sometimes but other times of course as the roller coaster goes it doesn't.

From what I've seen of my partner so far she doesn't like being the let down or the reason something went wrong. So I agree with you that it's most likely projecture

[Diana82]

do you find space can help? particularly if you've had a fight where they have lashed out?

this girl also told me I "make her feel terrible".  I have to say, nobody has ever said that to me before with such sincerity.  It was very upsetting to hear she felt that way... .so I had tried to ask her how and why and she was never able to tell me.

[usernamed]

Intellectually it's very frustrating that my pwBPD can behave like a 'normal' person with other people. She has friendships and relationships that don't trigger her BPD, and these people only see the one side of her.

When she gets dysregulated with me, it's not because she hates me or doesn't like me, but because we are close and that closeness triggers her deep fears and insecurities/shame. From what I can tell this a common BPD trait, and it seems deeply unfair sometimes but for those of us who want to try and repair/sustain our relationships it's something that we must come to grips with.

Diana82 from the sound of your response you got pulled into this emotional maelstrom of anger. If I see a lot of irrational anger my response is almost always not to engage with it. If I see a sudden shift in behavior I'll try to head it off, but when already dysregulated it's ineffective to try and talk back to a calm place. My pwBPD has to cope with that emotion herself, sometimes it takes a week or two even, but it's her emotions, not mine. During these cooling-off times I might drop a few emotional breadcrumbs to say that I care for her, think she's a good person (with examples), and express that I'm available if she wants to talk. Basically very small indicators to try and counteract feelings of shame and abandonment that she almost inevitably feels after dysregulated behavior.

[Calm Waters]

I recently read a book about counterdependance that explains much of this, its the opposite f co dependance and my NPD / BPD ex definately had these traits. worth a look, there are also you tobe videos on the subject by the same authors a husband and wife couple who;s

names escape me

[Diana82]

thanks for your responses.

well I haven't heard from her since Sunday when I sent her the shut down text asking her not to send me such self destructive messages and to focus her 'bitterness elsewhere'.

I suspect either she is shocked by that (as I have always been quite nice to her and wanting to keep up the conversation) or she hates me!

I feel like sending her a message in a few more days saying "I'm sorry if that came across as harsh and I'm sorry others view you so poorly. But I have tried to be your friend and I think good things about you.  I just don't know what happened the past 3 weeks. And I can't be your friend if you continue to send me these kinds of messages that make me feel awful"

do you think this would sit well with a BPD? Or do you think I should wait for her to come to me?

[Kizza]

I'm not sure about the whole giving them space thing... .I walked out after a massive blow out with my partner Tuesday night. Just packed my bags n went elsewhere... .Initially she didn't give two hoots but then the more space and time she had to think the more she became cooperative with what I needed to say. So I guess at times space is a good thing but sometimes it may not produce the outcome we want... .

She has been ok yesterday and today and she is working a bit harder at talking to me and treating me more like her wife not her slave so only time can tell.

[Diana82]

 

Well, I sent her a text this morning, saying I am sorry others view her that way (in regards to labelling her crazy) and that I don't label her. Then I sent a link to accommodation tips for South America. We both have this in common and are planning a trip there next year. 

It's my way of trying to establish a friendly connection, I guess and steer away from anything that could erupt or trigger insecurities. 

It sure is hard!   Thing is, we are not 'close' friends. We had an intense affair, so I am wondering if this is why she gets triggered by me?

does it not matter the length of the affair/relationship/friendship... it just matters how intense it was? And you can be a trigger to a BPD's insecurities based on previous intensity?

Or is it possible, she still has some feelings for me? this is why I am still able to hurt her?

[Kizza]

From experience with my partner I've learnt that I can always hurt her. I think BPDs can always get hurt no matter the situation bcoz they almost need it. Anyone can hurt them if they need the attention bad enough... .

Maybe she is still fixated on you though. Seems to be a reoccurring thing with my partner, the closer you get to her the more she thinks she depends on you and the more she picks on things about me and gets nasty. It's almost that they need things to be bad when they are good.

So I guess maybe she was dependant on you for a while and now bcoz she feels attached to you in a certain way that u are just her main aim. The closer you get the more you cop.

Not sure if that helps but that is how I have managed to understand it all so far... .But I understand how frustrating u must feel. Just don't let her lashing out affect you otherwise she can break you down. It's hard to tell if they mean it sometimes but just take everything with a grain of salt and try not to retaliate to it.