Newbie - I think my mom has BPD

[DhammaGal]

Hello Hello.  It equally sucks and could be enlightening that I'm here.

I am 34.  I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with my mother for 34 years.  Actually, unfortunately, as a child I always thought I was the problem.

I've seen all kinds of lists with "symptoms" of BPD, and my mom has more than 5 of them, but I am still not entirely sure if this is what she has.  I know this probably happens a lot since my mom (like many of yours it seems) won't go to therapy.  Well, she's been (so she says), but she said it didn't work... .apparently she thinks a therapist is supposed to "tell" her what to do.  I tried to explain that it doesn't work that way, that a therapist give us "tools", but that we have to do the work ourselves, and maybe she should try it again, but the response is always "Your father won't let me go to therapy."

So, I am here because I need to hear some stories of how your mothers act in everyday situations.  I need to be able to compare my stories to yours, to see if this really is where I need to be.

A Little More About How My Mom Is:

• My mother was never suicidal (at least, I wasn't aware completely if she was).  What I mean by this, is that I've always feared she would commit suicide, but she didn't say those exact words, or overdose on pills, or cut herself.  As a kid, she always said things like "You'll be sorry when I'm gone." and I always took this as a threat.  However, I don't know if that's what it was.  She also doesn't "cut" herself or drink... .but she does drive very erratic, overeat, take horrendous "care" of herself, and pick her face and nails till they bleed and scar.



• She's never been physically violent, but she is emotionally very difficult to deal with.  My mom lives in the place of anger, negativity, assuming everyone is out to get her, assuming the worst in everyone, sever overreacting, absolutely no self-awareness, impossible communication skills, she's always the victim, intense low self-worth, and she loves to judge.



• I identify whole-heartedly with the post about feeling like the Black Sheep in the family.  This has always been a very very difficult thing for me to deal with.  I have one sister who is 4 years younger than me and she can do no wrong in my parents eyes, especially my mother.  I have always been the one that was basically picked on in my family.  My mother would brag and brag about my sister, and say nothing about me.  This was so obvious that cousins of mine would comment on it.  I always wondered if this had to do with her relationship with her older (twin) sister, and if she was projecting something from her childhood on us.  But I'll probably never know.  She has never acknowledged this even happened.



• My mom blames everything, and I mean everything on either my father, her sister, us children, her FOO, another family member (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc... .) or someone other than herself.  There are very few times she has said she was sorry or acknowledged fault.  Though she did recently (after the "incident" I'll describe next), but this was because the "good" child told her off about the "incident" and I'm pretty sure she felt she had to if she wanted to be a part of the wedding.



• When I got engaged this summer, I put together a book of wedding ideas, because I wanted her to feel involved.  (I am 34, I have been with my fiancée for over 4 years - 3 of them co-habituating... .we aren't young.  We know what we want and have talked/planned this.)  At a public restaurant dinner, she flipped through the book in absolute rage, yelling about this and that, making fun of our ideas, and finally slamming the book shut while exclaiming "Well I guess there's nothing left for me to do!  I guess I won't be involved at all!"

I'll start there, cause I could go on forever.

After years in therapy myself, and a desire to NOT repeat the patterns I'm afraid I may have partially learned from my mother when I have children, I just really am looking to understand this.  I'd like to understand so that maybe I can forgive and move on.  I'm so stuck in anger and sadness right now about the lack of a relationship I have with my mother, especially since I'm planning my wedding right now, I need to know if I'm on the right track with BPD.

What has your experience been?  Do some of my stories sound familiar?  Am I on the right track?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any feedback.

[Sitara]

Welcome DhammaGal.  You're not alone.  My mom also won't go to therapy.  I've been told my sister went when she was really little and I get the feeling the therapist told my mom she wasn't perfect because my mom says that therapists will just say "everything is your mom's fault."  Obviously they're all quacks because she can't possibly be the problem, right?    She wants people to just agree with her.  For example, she's overweight, and several doctors have told her she needs to lose weight for health reasons.  She found a new doctor that just goes along with what she says and ignores her weight issue.

I didn't know my mom was suicidal until a couple years ago.  She apparently threatened to "off herself right in front of my dad."  My parents never fought in front of us.  It was important to my mom that us kids thought they had the perfect marriage, so she wouldn't ever let us see that they were having problems.  She's apparently also threatened divorce several times.

She also doesn't "cut" herself or drink.

It sounds like you're trying to compare to the "risky/impulsive/destructive" behavior.  My mom also doesn't seem to have any of these behaviors at first glance.  After awhile though I realized that her hiding food and bingeing could fall into this.  She hides candy and eats whole bags when no one is home.  Then comment about how she doesn't know why she's not losing weight, she only eats one meal a day, it must be genetics.  I feel this falls into poor impulse control.  After more time, I remembered her, over a very long period of time, attempting to remove a giant mole about the size of a quarter.  She would keep cutting and refused to go to the doctor.  She eventually got it off but she had to go so deep, I can't even imagine cutting that far into myself.

She's never been physically violent, but she is emotionally very difficult to deal with.  My mom lives in the place of anger, negativity, assuming everyone is out to get her, assuming the worst in everyone, sever overreacting, absolutely no self-awareness, impossible communication skills, she's always the victim, intense low self-worth, and she loves to judge.

Couldn't have said it better myself.  Mine also has this intense fear of the "worst case scenario."  She spends so much time worrying about that thing that's a 1/1,000,000,000 chance, that I swear she could have a plan in mind for when a meteor falls through the roof of her house.

I spent more time as the golden child than the black sheep, but my mom does flip flop back and forth between me and my sis.  One of us is always good, the other bad.  My mom also spent a lot of time undermining mine and my sis's relationship.  She'd constantly complain to me about how "bad" my sister was, and she would tell my sister about how I thought I was better than her (not true).  I think my mom did brag about me, and would attribute my sister's inability to meet expectations to a disease I'm convinced she does not actually have.  Despite doing better in school and pretty much doing everything my mom asked of me, it was still never good enough, because when I did meet expectations, I got, "Well that's what you're expected to do."  My sister was called stupid all the time instead of getting help and support.  I remember my mom making my sister plan her own sweet 16 birthday party because my mom was tired of us being "ungrateful" for all the work she put into planning parties, and no one showed up.  Sometimes it was like she was setting us up for failure.

Things are never my mom's fault, and no one will ever get an apology out of her.  I made the huge mistake of apologizing for something I absolutely did not say in hopes she would apologize for something she did say but conveniently didn't remember.  She barely acknowledged my apology and glared at me without saying a word.  The best I've ever gotten out of her was after telling her it really hurt me how much she made fun of my appearance growing up, and she told me, "when I make myself up, I look beautiful."  Which is still a conditional statement, and doesn't take accountability!

When I got married, I had to ask my mom to help pay for the wedding, because despite having savings put aside specifically for that reason, she was unwilling to offer.  She has a history of making people come to her.  She didn't offer to help with any of the planning.  She only demanded I invite one person I didn't know.  It wasn't a terrible experience because she did remain so uninvolved, but I did hear about how everyone was complaining about her wedding attire, and she didn't talk to me for 3 months after the wedding.

Like you, I could go on for ages.  I just wanted to use examples similar to your experiences.  The fact that you're worried about future children tells me you probably will be a good parent.  You may not have a lot of good examples of how to be, but you do know what not to do.  I have two kids myself, and it's not easy, but I read a lot of of advice, and I'm trying to improve myself to be a good example for my kids.

I understand you don't want to misdiagnose your mom.  What advice does your therapist have?  Do you find this site helpful?  Do you think this is a place that can help you heal?

[StarStruck]

Hi DhammaGal -

Sorry to hear your story.  I felt the same, gutted and enlightened.

I read a lot when I suspected she had a personality disorder. The best fit for mine is High Functioning BPD. So that's the one I have settled with. I couldn't believe this and would have rather given her the benefit of the doubt; but too much evidence.

Like you, I always knew something was up even when little. It was like I was looking at her,looking for explanations. I'm sure that really annoyed her; especially because I never bought into her and always questioned.

I think the fact you are on here speaks volumes and no doubt you have given this much thought.

They are difficult to pin point because the B cluster personality issues do cross over one another. A therapist would be able to see how. Obviously individual traits mixed in too.

Classic thing from Mine, never apologizes, talks herself up (insecure), judgmental, has raged, very critical, seems uptight, not satisifed, cruel... Perfectionist about the house. Worried about her looks. Plays people off on one another in family. Can pull the rug from beneath your feet. Holds a grudge. Impulsive, immature. Loves conditional. High expectations but doesn't deliver herself. Emotional, excitable, expressive (a big confusing trap). Highly strung. Charming, can be silly, non conformist although rare. Usually traditional approach to stuff. Out of her comfort zone = underconfident. Ive always felt she isn't who she is suppose to be - she could have been so different.

The biggest thing was that I thought my Mom was a secure person and an empathetic one. These are the two things that didn't make sense and the one about the empathy hurt the most. She always said caring things. I've learnt that doesn't mean much. She dwells on stuff for a minute but then I think she thinks well it doesn't effect me... .byyyyee.

She doesn't seem like a hard ass straight away. That what made me turn away from NPD and made me re look at BPD. Ive learnt BPD are sensitive - sensitive to their own needs.

Coming to realize that my Mom didn't love me unconditionally was the hardest thing of all. She did the best she could with the tools she had but she was damaged. I have come to feel sorry for her situation but I still happiest not with her in my life.

Whilst you're piecing this together don't ever forget it's about your new life now - however you want that to look, her in it or not! Congratulations on your engagement. Welcome to the forum (there are some well cool people on here with a wealth of experience!)

[StarStruck]

I logged out then extra thought!... .

When I was sure she was who she was. I started looking at the impact of her.

Since then I have really focused on how I make the most out of this situation - my life.

I honestly feel that I am so hell bent on achieving in life now - that I have and shouldn't nominate anymore time to her. As she has already taken so much already.

When you're focused on that you may find you have no time to worry about her hurting you anymore.

"I've taken enough of this poop - get out of my way!"

[Finding Courage]

My mom doesn't neatly fit into the BPD categories either, but her behavior is difficult enough and pervasive enough that I decided she is "close enough" to really get a lot out of this board. 

My mom also wasn't suicidal, didn't drink, and wasn't physically violent.  However, she is quite selfish, puts herself first no matter what, is very difficult to be around, manipulative, anxious, low self esteem.  Being the black sheep is undoubtedly difficult.  I had the opposite experience of my mom nearly worshiping me- smothering, stalking, absolutely no boundaries.   She is also critical and judgemental.  She also blames others for her behavior, my dad takes the brunt of it (however he is the one who chose to marry her and stay with her, so I don't feel too sorry for him). 

You mentioned you are getting married soon:  I found that my wedding was high emotion time for my mom and the stricter my boundaries the better.  Same with when I had a baby a few years later. 

I have found these boards very helpful.  It is the first time I heard other people say the sames things I have struggled with all of these years.  Good luck to you!

[WiseMind]

Hi DhammaGal   Wow, I could have written what many of these folks have about my own uBPD mother. Nothing is ever her fault, she pits people against each other, she creates drama, everything has to be about her. She doesn't reach out to me at all, you can't call her out on anything or she will have a serious ___ fit temper tantrum and 'the world is out to get her'. She finds a way to make any event about her. I am learning to say (through 2+years of therapy) that she isn't all bad ((learning to stop that black/white thinking!)), and that she does have some nice qualities but they come and go and I cannot trust her whatsoever. I have had to alter my relationship with her to not give her any personal information about myself because she has and will use it to her advantage. She is a terrible gossip. I have learned to create boundaries for myself that allow me to be healthy and safe. I have VLC with her and I think that is the way it has to be for now. She is still married to my dad, who enables her. Therefore I have less of a relationship with him, sadly. I also have a sister who is the golden child. Anyway, sorry to go on about myself but I really understood a lot of what you and the other posters have written. I have gotten a lot of support from this site and I'm sure you will as well.

-WM

[Pilpel]

A lot of what you describe about your mom I can see in my uBPD SIL.  "assuming the worst in everyone, sever overreacting, absolutely no self-awareness, impossible communication skills, she's always the victim." 

Also I think a few people commented about how they pit family memebers against each other.  Not sure if it's done the same way.  And I don't think my SIL does it consciously.  But she knows that I have always looked up to my brother (her husband).  Last year she initiated an email exchange.   It sounds crazy to describe, but it was her intention to heal the rift between us by making ME see all the ways that I've offended her over the years and offer me an opportunity to make all well by apologizing.  My brother is all over her emails.  He's the knight in shining armour, while I'm the no good rat.  (I know she doesn't treat him like a hero  typically, so I wonder if my brother kind of liked those emails even though I was unfairly painted black.)  She's also jealous of my position as the only daughter in the family.  She keeps a tally of all the things my parents do for me and treats it as a debt that they owe her, or else it's proof that they don't love and accept her.     

Anyhow, I thought a lot about how to respond to her emails. And one of the big things that I think spoils every interaction is that she thinks the worst of people.  I told her that we can't have a relationship if she doesn't think better of me.  It's difficult to come to a meeting of the minds with a BPD, though.  My SIL is religious, as am I sort of.  I also wondered why she didn't take "do unto others to heart"  but then I heard her use that phrase and realized it just doesn't mean the same thing to her.  She has so many "triggers."  She just doesn't understand the casual way that people joke with each other.  So what would be funny and a welcome comment to me is a huge painful offense to her.   On the flip side, her rages and accusations and attempts to control what people do would be something I would say --"hey, what about do unto others?"  But she is completely blind to how jarring and crazy her rages and accusations and controlling requests are.   

[mysoulishome]

After years in therapy myself, and a desire to NOT repeat the patterns I'm afraid I may have partially learned from my mother when I have children, I just really am looking to understand this.  I'd like to understand so that maybe I can forgive and move on.  I'm so stuck in anger and sadness right now about the lack of a relationship I have with my mother, especially since I'm planning my wedding right now, I need to know if I'm on the right track with BPD.

BLESS YOU FOR THAT! I am 34 also and getting to the same place. Your second post was fantastic and so glad you are realizing those things. Making the most out of your situation and not letting her hurt/worry you anymore.

YES! You've already won half of the battle. If you feel like I do, it sort of sucks that we are at this point in our lives and haven't gotten *farther* but I am so thankful I am at least here now.

Be an awesome wife and mother, if you have kids.

"Get out of my way!" sounds like a great motto to me.