Cycling Back To Anger Yesterday

[Turkish]

At our ad hoc "dinner" last night (I bought and cooked the food... .she always asks meekly if it's ok for her to eat it. I say yes, otherwise it's going to get tossed), she updated me on her moving out. Said she found a place where she is second or third on the waiting list (*sigh* this could still mean MONTHS, but it's better than what's come up so far, we live in a tough housing market). I got mean a little bit, and said,

"Good, because I'm tired of living with this dysfunction, with you having a relationship with two men." She asked what I was talking about. I said,

"You are in a relationship with two men: me and him, which approximates a mature, adult relationship with ONE man. It is unhealthy. It is disordered. It is dysfunctional."

She replied, "But I'm not in a relationship with you." I repeated what I said, more slowly and vehemently, though not raising my voice too much since S3 was in the other room. Maybe when she admitted last week that she was [mentally] "sick" she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear, and she thinks she is just good people, and I'm the loser.

She just put her head down and tried to control her anger... .I guess that is what I was trying to bait. Shame on me. Just tired and sick of this! I felt her switch her personality mode back to "everything's ok" and I took care of our son, put him to bed. We exchanged banalities, and I closed myself in my room alone on my big bed (which I'm thinking of getting rid of... .who needs it now? Unnecessary junk. I'm going to clear out the house of a lot of stuff once she's gone).

Her sister posted something on FB last night... .I don't think to me, I see her post the same junk there from time to time, some thing about someone else stepping in to appreciate and love someone you didn't.

Then I thought that maybe I did deserve all of this for not loving her properly, which she accused me of. Like maybe I've fooled everybody... .my friends (kind of... .none of them were ever in a r/s with me, so how would they really know?), my T, her family, the world. BPDF members in thinking I'm a decent guy. Yeah, I'm a good father for now, but maybe I'm so wrapped up in being that which I never had that I have nothing for anyone else. My mother used to tell me, "You fool everybody with how you are, but I know the REAL Turkish! XXXX [a friend's mother] is your 'fun' mother, while I get all of the bad stuff!" Maybe there was some truth to that. I don't know.

[bpdspell]

Then I thought that maybe I did deserve all of this for not loving her properly, which she accused me of... .

It's not healthy to allow your ego to take you to this kind of destructive thinking. It's invalidating and your'e taking ownership of your ex's behavior which is not fair to you. WE can take ownership of our shortcomings but there's no way in hell we should be blaming ourselves for how they treat us. There is nothing about any of "us" on this board that makes our ex's "act out." This is their disease, their mental illness and we have nothing to do with that.

I know that healing, detaching and disengaging is extremely difficult especially when children are involved. In many ways the loss feels like death and perhaps the bickering back and forth is on some level comforting for you because its still communication; albeit negative. I've been there with my ex with back and forth punitive communication….it's like being trapped in the 9th circle of hell…on their level.

Arguing with them as tempting as it may feel the release that steam is a waste of your emotional resources. They are narcissistic so they will lack insight and self-awareness into their twisted logic…you can't win... .it is their pervasive persistent pattern and that's why it's a mental illness. Arguing will only hurt you; just like it hurt me.

Spell

[Hazelrah]

Turk,

Ask yourself this: has this woman loved YOU properly?     

[Turkish]

Turk,

Ask yourself this: has this woman loved YOU properly?     

Sometimes... .I am still at the point, Hazelrah, where maybe if I had been better, then she would have also. I'd probably still be here, but on the Staying board.

And thanks, Spell, for your post, too. I know it's a waste of time, but I just builds up in me. I can't wait until she is out so I can somewhat radically change the house (paint is the first and easiest thing... .while I still have some money).

It's invalidating and you're taking ownership of your ex's behavior which is not fair to you. WE can take ownership of our shortcomings but there's no way in hell we should be blaming ourselves for how they treat us. There is nothing about any of "us" on this board that makes our ex's "act out." This is their disease, their mental illness and we have nothing to do with that.

She often told me how to "handle" her. Maybe some guy in the future will. Maybe it will be this new guy. He already observed her anger and asked her about it to engage, which is more than I did as I shut down. I guess I can take solace that my home still provides the emotional support for her, so her rages will increase until he detaches from her. He's a college kid. Lots of options other than a "waif." She's very pretty and looks young, but he has younger and prettier options, I'm sure. I need to stop worrying about that. Let them continue their toxic dance to its inevitable conclusion. the longer it goes on, the less I will want her back if she tries to recycle. Right now, I am thinking 100% NO to that. She not only hurt me, but also our children. I haven't accused her of that (she knows, she knows... .), and I don't think it's a productive place to go anyway. Let reality speak for itself.

They are narcissistic so they will lack insight and self-awareness into their twisted logic…you can't win... .it is their pervasive persistent pattern and that's why it's a mental illness. Arguing will only hurt you; just like it hurt me.

Thanks for reminding me of that. I often accused her of being selfish, which she vehemently denied, of course. The twisted logic is what gets me. Most of my friends are far away (a few hours, around the community where I grew up). I have their phone support, but sometimes feel like I am so alone here. I do have support at work with a few confidantes, so that is something. I guess I want everyone to see her BS and the facade, but why do I really want that? My sense of justice? Perhaps... .

Due to our young children, I need to keep studying, interacting with all of you (great support, thank you all) and also working out my issues. I think I will be one of the BPDF Methuselahs after all is said and done.