My BPD Story

[State85]

I've been posting some on this board for a few days, but feel now I need to post, as brief as I can, my story.

I met my now exBPDgf almost 3 years ago. I was introduced through a mutual friend. When I first met her, she was supposed to go on a date that night with what would become a constant replacement. She did go on the date, but hung out with me and was late for that date. I didn't pursue her after that, although she immediately wanted to be a FB friend. We finally got together, and was on the second date that we were intimate... .that was quick. We started in a committed (or so I thought) relationship, she would talk about getting married, moving in, etc. I did ask her to marry me, and we got engaged. Now is when it went downhill. It started with triggering her cause I may have been a few minutes late to her house, this resulted in name calling, flipping me off... .I broke off the engagement about a month later realizing it was too soon, she agreed. But I, like an idiot, wanted to remain dating. Over the course of our relationship I have been physically abused over 25 times, resulting in bleeding, bruised ribs, black eye, etc. My house has been destroyed, sentimental items broken, spit on, called names, etc. It was all I could do to not hit back, to defend myself... .and I did shove her a couple of times of which I am not proud of. I have broken it off with her about 3 times, counting this time... .and each time she seemed to go back to the same guy. And each time she would say they are just "friends", although she admitted that before me she was just his weekend gf. During each break up when she was with him, she was adamate about saying they did not have sex. But, piecing some things together now, I know that not to be true. We have been apart now for about 2 months, and she is still on my mind. She wants to be friends, says she is still hurting. It appears now she has replaced the replacement with someone 20 years older than her. I believe, she is still leading the original replacement (as well as me) on.

I am sick of ruminating over her. I want her to feel the way I feel... .hurt. but I doubt she is. Even though she wants us to be friends, and has an obvious replacement(s), she still wants to know if I will talk to her over the holiday and the weekend... .I don't get it... .What the heck. In her rages, either at my house or hers, I cannot leave or she will not leave my house. It seems she doesn't want to leave or me to leave until she feels she has completely wore me down, or feels she has won argument number 10000.

I, like others here, want her out of my head!

[Perfidy]

I sure feel ya! Nice run there... Three years. Mine lasted almost eight! All of the above mentioned abuse. After about five years of taking that kind of crap I was sure that the only way to get her out was going to be very unspeakable. I begged her to get out. A thousand times I asked her to just leave. Why she stayed I have no real clue. If someone told me that I needed to get out of their house I wouldn't need to hear it twice. What do they stay for? Just to make our lives miserable? Then when she finally did leave after almost eight years it nearly killed me! Seriously? Just like you... .Can't get her and her bs out of my head. Never in my life have I experienced so much confusion and strangeness.

[State85]

Perfidy

We weren't even living together. But when I was at her house and the fighting began, I wanted to leave before things escalated... .the right thing to do... correct. Sometimes she would yell at me to leave, so I would. But before I could get to the garage door, she would jump in front... almost wanting me to physically move her... .I wouldn't. At my house, she wouldn't leave. It's like she isn't leaving until she feels she has won, or has wore me down to nothing... .Oh, and always before we parted... .I was expected to give her a hug. What the heck is that about! Sometimes she would say, "even though I did and said those things, it doesn't mean I don't care about you" Twisted to say the least. There were countless times I actually hated her, and wanted out so bad... .Now I am out, I broke it off with her, and I feel this way... .it's beyond crazy.

[Pretty Woman]

Wow, you broke with her? Mine did a lot with that and just leaves me, hooks up with a replacement. I think they act differently depending on who leaves who.

[Perfidy]

Right earth angel... Seems the non side has a similar reaction regardless of who leaves who... The poison is universal. Strong too.

[GreenMango]

I hate you, don't leave me.

BPD can be a very destructive disorder for the sufferer and for those closest to them. It's a disorder that affects relationships and can result in the type of abuse you've experienced.  And the closer you get the more unstable the other person becomes reacting to the both the threat of intimacy and abandonment.

My guess is she is hurting.  And hurt people hurt other people.

Do you have a therapist to talk with about the abuse trauma - you've been through a lot?

[State85]

I do not have a therapist at this time... .

I just wish she was hurting, in her heart, the way mine is.

[GreenMango]

Well if she has BPD she is probably good at avoiding that type of pain.  It can be soothed by hooking up with a new relationship, substance abuse, etc.

Im really sorry you are hurting.  Grieving is hard.  Be kind to yourself during this time.

do you have family and friends to lean on right now?

[bruisedbattered]

She'll never hurt like we do, and vice versa we will not know the turmoil they go through.  Good news: we WILL heal.  they WONT.  Bad news:  our recovery time takes time, whereas they will easily bounce from one victim to another. their pain is constant.

[Hazelrah]

She'll never hurt like we do, and vice versa we will not know the turmoil they go through.  Good news: we WILL heal.  they WONT.  Bad news:  our recovery time takes time, whereas they will easily bounce from one victim to another. their pain is constant.

Succinctly put, bruisedbattered!   

[willtimeheal]

State 85

I am so sorry that you are going through this and feeling this way. During the summer I had a difficult time with ruminating about my BPD.  I posted about it and a lot of people responded and gave me great advice. I posted the link to it... .I hope it works. Maybe some of their advice can help you.  Hang in there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=204920.msg12279836#msg12279836

I apologize ... .I have no idea how to link it any other way

[sam-2012]

Hi State85,

I relate lots with your story. In my 2 year relationship with my BPDex, we got intimate very soon, very close very soon(though not living together). I too mental abuse from early weeks which did not understand at the time and as time was passing was getting worst and worst, turned to physical abuse, throwing me out of her house, and finally one day that i got again physical abuse and nearly got seriously injured, I replied and hit her and I am not proud of it. This was the end though, I understood that she was on the crazy train before lots of time and that I was getting to this train too. And I did not want that for me. I believe that when a relationship has physical abuse then dangerous things will happen like serious injuries, police,jail. So when this happened from my side(hit her) this was the time that I blocked her number, block her mail and never answered to any other attempts (which she made). I knew that i was vulnerable, that I could go back if she contacts me and that she can wind me up and be in trouble.  It hurted for lots of time I relate with you, I ruminated, got angry, cried, got crazy, and to be honest sometimes it still hurts but not so much and rarely. Friends helped a lot, When I broke up I asked them to be available for company and phone on emergencies (when I want to call her or feel crap). But as time passed (I am 1 year NC and will stay for ever), I started getting better, sleeping better, having fun, dating other women (Other women got more beautiful over time!) and feel better in general. I understand that my ex has serious issues, but I cannot be her therapist, brother, father or whatever is needed to help her. Her disorder  is a disorder that affects close relationships, my ex looks more than normal and is quite a good person with some of her friends. But not with me cause I got into a strong romantic relationship which is what the disorder affects. To be honest I am still a bit angry, I lost lots of things, money, self esteem, confidence peace and valuable time, but if you ask me I will say that I wish her the best and to finally recover from this (which is long term and really hard work)  BUT I do not have any plan to be with her again even if she recovers and do not want any communication cause the abuse was so much that even if she recovers, the memories and lost of trust cannot be fixed. Liked your post. Hope mine helps   

[State85]

Sam 2012... .thanks. Sounds almost identical to my story. It seems to be getting better right now. Friends and this board does help tremendously.

Staying strong!

[Johan]

She'll never hurt like we do, and vice versa we will not know the turmoil they go through.  Good news: we WILL heal.  they WONT.  Bad news:  our recovery time takes time, whereas they will easily bounce from one victim to another. their pain is constant.

Succinctly put, bruisedbattered!   

what is this is wishful thinking? that after few yrs of therapy, they are fine, and we still miserable, sounds horrible, but that's how many here feel over it. even as work on themselves. emotional scarring i found stays with you, even when think it's gone...   they can be cured... .but if they never know how hurtful their abuse is... and no1 would treat them that way... .then they will never know the pain that THEY caused?

[bruisedbattered]

what is this is wishful thinking? that after few yrs of therapy, they are fine, and we still miserable, sounds horrible, but that's how many here feel over it. even as work on themselves. emotional scarring i found stays with you, even when think it's gone...   they can be cured... .but if they never know how hurtful their abuse is... and no1 would treat them that way... .then they will never know the pain that THEY caused?[/quote]


Sounds like you are still in a lot of pain Johan.

   I think you are also very angry, and it is easy to think that they will be ok, and we wont.  In fact the opposite is true, most BPD's dont get help, have substance abuse problems and are never "fine" as it may seem.

    As for emotional scarring, Ive had bad relationships in the past, and have scars from previous heartbreaks and relationships gone bad... .  It's part of life.   What doesnt kill you makes you stronger... .  better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... .  yada, yada, yada.  you get the point.   

   Just in case you didnt,  a few years from now, you will be a better, stronger person for what you have overcome and will know how to appreciate real, true love.

Bnb

[Johan]

what is this is wishful thinking? that after few yrs of therapy, they are fine, and we still miserable, sounds horrible, but that's how many here feel over it. even as work on themselves. emotional scarring i found stays with you, even when think it's gone...   they can be cured... .but if they never know how hurtful their abuse is... and no1 would treat them that way... .then they will never know the pain that THEY caused?

Sounds like you are still in a lot of pain Johan.

   I think you are also very angry, and it is easy to think that they will be ok, and we wont.  In fact the opposite is true, most BPD's dont get help, have substance abuse problems and are never "fine" as it may seem.

    As for emotional scarring, Ive had bad relationships in the past, and have scars from previous heartbreaks and relationships gone bad... .  It's part of life.   What doesnt kill you makes you stronger... .  better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... .  yada, yada, yada.  you get the point.   

   Just in case you didnt,  a few years from now, you will be a better, stronger person for what you have overcome and will know how to appreciate real, true love.

Bnb[/quote]
I have been ok but not recently... .she has been through therapy 4yrs and seems fine now... and I'm now again having nightmares and flashbacks. And on top of that I heard some recent humiliating things not true and people have stopped talking to me. I don't want to tell them about her disorder as that would not be fair on her. I really don't think it would, but why do I feel so bad about telling them I was emotionally abused, I really don't know...

[Johan]

also I have had bad relationships in past also... also humiliating this does not compare in the slightest.

It's tough when everyone around think poorly of you and she can mock me? and spread lies, be in circles she would have been around, where people have mocked and still do. Anyway sorry about hijacking post.

[ShadowDancer]

Johan, if you have heard false humiliating things about you and the source of that information was from your ex concerning these falsehoods, does that not tell you volumes about the course of her therapy and her present head space?

No she is not O.K. as you may be assuming. My therapist explained a point that I feel is very important for me to understand. And that is;

DBT therapy goals for BPD do NOT include the learning or teaching the person with BPD to be able to sustain close intimate romantic relationships because in the end that is nearly impossible and a much much too complicated and unrealistic therapy GOAL. The goals of therapy are for the BPD to lead and sustain a worthwhile and productive life without hospital stays or suicide attempts or loss of jobs or of domestic abuse or law enforcement intervention ect. ect...

The most successful treatment responders are the ones that forgo intimate sustainable relationships all together. They focus on career goals or hobbies or personal interests. Success is measured in consistency. Success is measured in the duration of lack of life crisis.

Treated or not treated... .this is not a happy illness... .for them or us.

[necchi]

Johan, I get the false accusations you are getting even my D13 whom is not her daughter won't talk to me because of her attitude.it hurt so much and I to have protected her and I'm trying to stop this crazy making but honestly I have a hard time being as mean and inconsiderate has she is.

[maxen]

And on top of that I heard some recent humiliating things not true and people have stopped talking to me. I don't want to tell them about her disorder as that would not be fair on her. I really don't think it would, but why do I feel so bad about telling them I was emotionally abused, I really don't know.

johan, you're being slandered. you don't have to tell everyone about her BPD but you should feel comfortable rebutting what's being said if you want to do that. do you have a therapist? you may want to talk with him/her about your discomfort defending yourself. and hard though it is, you should consider what kind of people would just believe somebody's tales without finding out more (i.e., talking to you).

[Gidget]

I would break contact with her you are not married. I was married to a very abusive husband divorced when my daughter was 2years old. I ended up at a abuse center after all the abuse from my daughter. Verbal only never physical. I learned a lot about bounderies during the 12weeks I went there for counseling. You are not married I would leave I feel very strongly about physical abuse. I doesn't end. She is not your child but a girl friend. I am sorry if I am being so strong on this. Good luck you seem like you have been to hell and back   

[willtimeheal]

Johan,

It is hard to listen when lies are being spread about you.  Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and correct what is not true.  But, do not particiapte in the slander game.  The one thing I have learned through my whole ordeal with BPD is who my true friends are. 

Your ex's true character will shine through for others to see on their own.  Take the high road.  The other day an individual asked me about my exBPD.  This person had no idea that we had been a couple for the last 4 years.  I just said oh, we don't speak that much anymore.  The person relpied, "oh, I always wondered how you got along, isn't she crazy?  A little messed up in the head?"  People know they are screwed up.  They watch and see their true character.  Bpds expose themselves through their actions. The people that honestly know you and love you will see past the the mask of a BPD.