just got verbally vomited on... learned my lesson (I hope)

[Depression = 72% of members]

OK, so I ended things with my ex uBPDgf a few weeks ago (we were together only for a few months but wholy moly... .) and I have been mostly NC (or very LC) since then.  She has emailed and texted me a bunch of times, and I only replied once in a very polite but impersonal way.  After 4 days of nothing, I got an email this morning.  I know, I shouldn't have read it, but I did.  It was a "sandwich" email - started off with how much she loved me and how much I mean to her, how much she appreciated me, etc.  Then, wham!  All the blame and criticism - everything about our failed relationship was MY fault, she has normal needs and expectations that I NEVER met, that she's sorry she couldn't lower her standards in order to tolerate all of my shortcomings, etc.  The end of the email was back to lovey - "you were different for me, and if you ever need me I'll be there for you" type of stuff.

I know, the ultimate lessons here are DON'T READ EMAILS from her, and don't respond to any texts/emails even just to be polite.  I really hope I've learned those lessons.  In the meantime, I feel like I got sucker punched within the body of the message.  It sucks.  It's so hard not to reply from a defensive position (or an offensive one, for that matter).  I feel like a doormat letting her blame me for everything and not standing up for myself.  In particular, she's pissed off that I didn't trust her enough to totally open my life (present and past) up to her.  Do I have some self-protective instincts that are on alert due to unhealed trauma from the past?  Yes, and I'm working my way through that.  However, with my ex uBPDgf, my spidey senses told me early on that things were not quite right, and I felt justified in not fully trusting this roller coaster person with all of my deepest inner thoughts and secrets (nothing horrible, just private stuff I only share with people I trust).  I experienced early on that private things got turned into ammunition she'd turn around and fire at me, so I stopped giving it.

I know many (most? all?) of you have been through similar situations - struggling with the "coldness" of going NC, trying not to defend yourself when you get blamed for everything, etc.  How in the heck did you get past these stages?

I was doing pretty well, but now I'm sad and mad all over again.

[redkong]

OK, so I ended things with my ex uBPDgf a few weeks ago (we were together only for a few months but wholy moly... .) and I have been mostly NC (or very LC) since then.  She has emailed and texted me a bunch of times, and I only replied once in a very polite but impersonal way.  After 4 days of nothing, I got an email this morning.  I know, I shouldn't have read it, but I did.  It was a "sandwich" email - started off with how much she loved me and how much I mean to her, how much she appreciated me, etc.  Then, wham!  All the blame and criticism - everything about our failed relationship was MY fault, she has normal needs and expectations that I NEVER met, that she's sorry she couldn't lower her standards in order to tolerate all of my shortcomings, etc.  The end of the email was back to lovey - "you were different for me, and if you ever need me I'll be there for you" type of stuff.

I know, the ultimate lessons here are DON'T READ EMAILS from her, and don't respond to any texts/emails even just to be polite.  I really hope I've learned those lessons.  In the meantime, I feel like I got sucker punched within the body of the message.  It sucks.  It's so hard not to reply from a defensive position (or an offensive one, for that matter).  I feel like a doormat letting her blame me for everything and not standing up for myself.  In particular, she's pissed off that I didn't trust her enough to totally open my life (present and past) up to her.  Do I have some self-protective instincts that are on alert due to unhealed trauma from the past?  Yes, and I'm working my way through that.  However, with my ex uBPDgf, my spidey senses told me early on that things were not quite right, and I felt justified in not fully trusting this roller coaster person with all of my deepest inner thoughts and secrets (nothing horrible, just private stuff I only share with people I trust).  I experienced early on that private things got turned into ammunition she'd turn around and fire at me, so I stopped giving it.

I know many (most? all?) of you have been through similar situations - struggling with the "coldness" of going NC, trying not to defend yourself when you get blamed for everything, etc.  How in the heck did you get past these stages?

I was doing pretty well, but now I'm sad and mad all over again.

[PuzzledMate]

I haven't started yet but maybe try to surround yourself with people that know you well.  People that will remind you how great of a person you are and have your best interest at heart.  People who care enough to remind you that not all relationships work out, no matter how hard you try.

I plan on doing these things.  No matter what you do, please keep in mind that it takes 2.  You don't have to dance if you don't want to.  You have no obligations to this girl and you had enough guts to follow your instinct to get out when you knew things weren't right.  Let her deal with it on her own.  She isn't your problem anymore.

Let go of the sadness and anger, it doesn't do any good.  You learned your lesson so don't get too worked up about what she thinks about you. 

Good luck.

[MammaMia]

Redkong

I am sorry.  Consider the source, try not to take things personally, and do not reply.  It will just open the door for more toxic messages.  Her goal is to confuse and hurt you.

She accomplished her mission.  Remember, this is exactly why NC is the best course of action.    

We all live and learn.  Now block her.

[TakingWingAtLast]

RedKong,

I think that what is important isn't that read the email, it's how you respond.   Read them and feel the pain and the loss.  It's OK to hurt!   You'll get over it.  Eventually, you'll be able to read any text or email and be entirely unaffected.  That's a good point to achieve and shoot for.

And, at least for my own part, I've discovered that it's rather empowering to be LC or NC.  What they do to try and reengage is really bad for them.  They cannot help it.   They are in the throes of the abandonment.  And are suffering themselves.  It's OK to feel empathy for such a person who themselves were not given the love and care they should have gotten when they were youths.  

Nonetheless, no matter what they do, you have control over your own actions.   Eventually, it simply can't hurt you.   And then you're free.  From that point on, you will have no problems whatsoever.  

Be well.  You can do this!

D  

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I got emails too, and read a few, and of course everything was my fault.  Learning about the disorder and not communicating with her really helped me get my feet on the ground, so when the emails showed up I read them with different eyes and without getting lost in emotion.  My take is she does what everyone does, reframes a bad situation so it feels better in her head and she can live with herself, and some of that includes blaming me.  Fine.  I hope she is able to move on OK and does well, whatever that takes between her ears.  A borderline is mired in shame and feels all emotions more strongly, without the tools to modulate them, so of course I'm going to be an extra-special scumbag as she makes sense of her world.

Towards the end we were having two separate and different relationships anyway, and the distance just got greater when we parted, so any fantasy she spins to make it through now is fine by me, I just really don't need to read it, and actually haven't gotten one in a long time.

There's no point in defending yourself because rational thought is no longer present, if it ever was.  What helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated but shouldn't have in the relationship, and focus on it when you have weak moments, and rely on your logic, which if it's anything like mine knew that leaving was absolutely the right thing to do, and my heart protested in a big way for quite a while.  But leaving was still the right thing to do, and don't expect any closure, just move on.  Take care of you!

[GreenMango]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.  There were many times when I wanted and did go for both the offensive and defensive positions on those 'sandwich' communications.

One of things I learned was that beyond the words is a person who's very mixed up.  The emotional roller coaster and contradictions are pretty evident.  I had come to realize that there really wasn't going to be a mutual understanding because we came from very different views.  Facts didn't matter.  

It's wise to not share with someone you've witnessed as untrustworthy.  She's not going to get that.  If she has BPD there will be little connection between actions and effect on others.  The emotional needs, which can be unreasonable, will be the driving force.  People with BPD can have little boundaries and not quite get other people having them.

There will be a point where you'll be able to separate this stuff from your everyday functioning.  Part of it comes when you don't  subject yourself to hearing it.  Part of it will come from accepting when someone has a mental illness like BPD it isn't personal and there's some typical behavior.

[redkong]

Thanks everyone for your replies - very helpful, and I truly appreciate your support.  These boards are wonderful for gaining new insights and also for regaining equilibrium when doubts or frustrations creep in.

Puzzledmate - you're right, it definitely helps to get input/feedback from friends and family who know me well.  These people have seen me at my best, worst, and everything in between, and I trust them - when they tell me I'm nothing like the things my ex accuses me of, it definitely helps me feel more grounded.

MammaMia - yes, toxic is a good word.  I feel like these messages worm their way into my mind and poison my mood.  I do not plan to reply - my emotional side is still a bit pissed, but my logical side knows there's nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Dpenderg - yes, this is ultimately my goal - to be able to see her in public and/or read something and have it roll right off me.  I want this for myself as a general area of growth and strength.  Interestingly, this experience has forced me to work on this in ways that other situations haven't.  A gift from this experience?

fromheeltoheal - first, I totally love your screen name   In addition, I appreciate your reminder that pwBPD do certain things to feel more comfortable emotionally.  I need to keep reminding myself of this.  Your comment about relying on my logic is also helpful. My head knew a long time ago that leaving was best, and my heart has gradually started to agree.

GreenMango - yes, yes, yes.  She didn't get my boundaries at all, and facts have never mattered.  I know there's no point in defending myself or even calmly presenting my side of things.  Thanks for the supportive reminder.

[seeking balance]

  How in the heck did you get past these stages?

I was doing pretty well, but now I'm sad and mad all over again.

The familiar push/pull of emails - I remember that... .yuck

The thing is, the sad & mad don't go away quickly - but they are put in their appropriate container.  Let me explain, each contact is like peeling the skin off the a wound for you, but at the same time, it is keeping you close and that closeness is familiar, comfortable.

I got past these stages by being tired of the rollercoaster and accepting the folks here might know a thing or two... .so I stayed away... .I didn't engage in drama and I started accepting BPD is real and even if there isn't a diagnosis, the behavior was consistent and I had to save myself.

It looked ugly at times - a whole new level of sadness and anger actually - but it was core stuff that once I mucked around in and put those emotions in their appropriate containers - I was lighter.

There is no short cut in this process that is lasting - and it might not look perfect, but that is ok, it doesn't have to really. 

If I picked 1 thing that really helped me when I was confused, angry, feeling the need to defend or contact ex - it was article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

I printed that and took the words as truth, as such, I stayed NC as much as possible during the divorce and completely NC to this day.

Hang in there, it does get better.

SB

[redkong]

SB - thanks for your words.  I started reading the link you posted and will finish it this eve.  I've read most or all of the materials on this site but either I missed this one or I'm just in a new place to process it differently. 

One thing about my ex pwBPD is that she's seemingly a different person in writing than in reality.  In emails, she is capable of expressing surprising levels of insight, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.  This is pary of what drew me in initially, as our relationship developed partly online.  In person, she's judgmental, intolerant, easily angered, and sees things as black or white.  My initial red flags went up because she idealized me ("you're amazing" but she was constantly critical of or disappointed by her son (18), family, friends, co-workers, total strangers.  I started to worry early on that it would only be a matter of time before I also disappointed her and became the target.

So hard to let go of the mirage of the person in those early emails... .  when she writes me now, even though she blames me, I'm drawn to the more insightful and reflective comments she makes.  Are pwBPD often good at faking this level of self-awareness?

[redkong]

Update: just got a text from my ex.  After the "sandwich" email I received earlier, I just got a text asking if I wanted to come over to her house and drink and make pies for Thanksgiving.  Really?  This morning you loved me, then hated and blamed me for everything.  Now this?

[fromheeltoheal]

SB - thanks for your words.  I started reading the link you posted and will finish it this eve.  I've read most or all of the materials on this site but either I missed this one or I'm just in a new place to process it differently. 

One thing about my ex pwBPD is that she's seemingly a different person in writing than in reality.  In emails, she is capable of expressing surprising levels of insight, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence.  This is pary of what drew me in initially, as our relationship developed partly online.  In person, she's judgmental, intolerant, easily angered, and sees things as black or white.  My initial red flags went up because she idealized me ("you're amazing" but she was constantly critical of or disappointed by her son (18), family, friends, co-workers, total strangers.  I started to worry early on that it would only be a matter of time before I also disappointed her and became the target.

So hard to let go of the mirage of the person in those early emails... .  when she writes me now, even though she blames me, I'm drawn to the more insightful and reflective comments she makes.  Are pwBPD often good at faking this level of self-awareness?

EXACTLY the same experience with mine.  My experience was she wasn't faking it though.  My take is she had the ability to be introspective and aware, but in person she got triggered easily, and it was much easier for her to stay grounded with distance.  The mistake I made was to expect that person who showed up by text and email to be who she was in person, not really an unrealistic expectation BTW, she never was, and I kept pushing for it anyway.  And same as you, we'd have a crappy get together and then she'd show up as the person I longed for by text later, as if nothing had happened.  Maybe if she was a robot I only communicated with by text, shed be the girl of my dreams... .

[laelle]

Your ex can only take the "power" from you that you give to her.  A simple change of attitude from you will give you greater peace.  You are not the bad guy, and it is ok for you to not "accept" her version of you.  You entered the relationship, you found it not "right" for you, you have decided to not renew the relationship.

You can only control yourself and you must own your own decisions in your relationship with your ex.  You are not responsible for her actions in this relationship, and you are not beholden to her in any way.

You have lost no power, you have loved yourself a bit, and taken your own needs and wants into account.  

btw... .why would you let someone "in" who tramples on all your boundaries?  She may "blame" you for this, but I see it as you saw something wrong in the relationship, and did not feel "safe" to open up.  I opened up ALL with my ex, and usually ended up getting it all back in my face when he went into a rage.

You have the control, you only need to refuse her image of you, and accept your own image of you... .

Now, the focus turns to you... . How do you feel about yourself?

[GreenMango]

Update: just got a text from my ex.  After the "sandwich" email I received earlier, I just got a text asking if I wanted to come over to her house and drink and make pies for Thanksgiving.  Really?  This morning you loved me, then hated and blamed me for everything.  Now this?

Well there's the dance.

She's going to have a hard time realizing this is taking its toll on you.  It's part of the disorder - fluctuating moods.

What are you going to do?

[zordon11]

Update: just got a text from my ex.  After the "sandwich" email I received earlier, I just got a text asking if I wanted to come over to her house and drink and make pies for Thanksgiving.  Really?  This morning you loved me, then hated and blamed me for everything.  Now this?

same thing happened in my case. She said she hates me and regrets that she met me but 2 hours after she wanted me to stay for the night. I had no idea what was going on for me it was too much.

[redkong]

So, I ended up deleting the text without replying.  Now I'm feeling like crap of course.  It just goes against my nature to be "inconsiderate" like this, but I keep telling myself that I'm actually just prioritizing myself for a change, and also that if a total stranger spewed blame at me yesterday, I would have no problem ignoring the text that came later.  This whole situation makes my head spin.

@fromheeltoheal - Yep, I kept having the same expectation - that the insightful woman in the emails would show up in person.  Never really happened, but I think it's why I get sucked back in by her emails now.  In my case, I don't think my ex pwBPD actually has a lot of self-awareness, or maybe she does but has no idea how to walk her talk.  Actually, maybe this latter idea is on target, as that would be consistent with some other discrepancies - she holds very rigid standards for how other people should behave and in the advice she gives, but she doesn't uphold those same standards herself.  At the same time, she perceives that she does do all these things.  It has been very confusing from the outside.

@zordon - yes, splicing feels exactly like what's going on.  Thanks for posting this.  It's hard to understand, except that children do this all the time.  My ex always seemed very adolescent or childlike in terms of her emotional development, and even her demeanor and behavior.