Recent Urge to Contact/Bash

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've had a strange urge lately to send a text or an email (or even a letter by mail, since he's less likely to feel compelled to respond to that with information that could potentially hurt me about his "new life" basically just saying I hate him.

I know that really this would be an attempt to provoke him. Hoping he is in a dark or vulnerable place (given his patterns, the chances seem 50/50 that I'd catch him on an angsty/"down" day) and that this attempted re-opening of his wounds and expression of disapproval and re-affirmation of my now hating him will somehow... .cause him to break down and want me to come back to undo my negative judgment of him.

I know, in reality, this idea is counterproductive. It's me seeking validation, but in doing so probably just validating him more. Silence and implied indifference is really the best thing.

If I really wanted to hear something, then being honest about my motives and reaching out openly. Not playing games or trying to trick or being vindictively manipulative like this. But I don't feel safe doing that anymore. I know rationally that saying "I hate you" would be me "fishing" or testing the waters to see if maybe (like so many times before) he might react by suddenly warming up to me again. But by imagining doing it in the form of hatred, it is shielding me from the embarrassment or humiliation of admitting I still want him on some level and possibly being rejected again.

I guess I want something impossible: to figure out what is going on with him, to test the emotional waters, without risking learning anything I don't want to know.

It's almost like I wish I could ask a mutual friend to talk to him about me, tell the friend "Tell me if he is thinking of me in a good way, but just say nothing if he is not" and then take a forgetting pill to forget I ever asked the friend that (so that even the potential silence won't confirm anything even implicitly).

Is this just cowardice? I don't know... .

[UmbrellaBoy]

I've had a strange urge lately to send a text or an email (or even a letter by mail, since he's less likely to feel compelled to respond to that with information that could potentially hurt me about his "new life" basically just saying I hate him.

I know that really this would be an attempt to provoke him. Hoping he is in a dark or vulnerable place (given his patterns, the chances seem 50/50 that I'd catch him on an angsty/"down" day) and that this attempted re-opening of his wounds and expression of disapproval and re-affirmation of my now hating him will somehow... .cause him to break down and want me to come back to undo my negative judgment of him.

I know, in reality, this idea is counterproductive. It's me seeking validation, but in doing so probably just validating him more. Silence and implied indifference is really the best thing.

If I really wanted to hear something, then being honest about my motives and reaching out openly. Not playing games or trying to trick or being vindictively manipulative like this. But I don't feel safe doing that anymore. I know rationally that saying "I hate you" would be me "fishing" or testing the waters to see if maybe (like so many times before) he might react by suddenly warming up to me again. But by imagining doing it in the form of hatred, it is shielding me from the embarrassment or humiliation of admitting I still want him on some level and possibly being rejected again.

I guess I want something impossible: to figure out what is going on with him, to test the emotional waters, without risking learning anything I don't want to know.

It's almost like I wish I could ask a mutual friend to talk to him about me, tell the friend "Tell me if he is thinking of me in a good way, but just say nothing if he is not" and then take a forgetting pill to forget I ever asked the friend that (so that even the potential silence won't confirm anything even implicitly).

Is this just cowardice? I don't know... .

[santa]

Only do it if you want to keep dealing with that person.

If you don't, don't.

[necchi]

No,no,non... .pas pentoute ! ,not at all... .It's closure you won't probably get but yearn from,( though i hope  you get ) its wrong believes we get stuck on,but even though i know,... and I'm sure you know might not happen. And even if it would do happen in the best settings... .it wouldn't mean anything would it?

I try to base my future in meeting somehow, someone that will respect what i have to offer (and i still have doubts on this even though I'm cute ,caring,bla,bla,bla) but i know that before all this nonsense i was someone. Sorry i got overboard but you, like most of us are a great person and with time we will get over NOTHING

[TakingWingAtLast]

UmbrellaBoy,

We've all been there at some point.   Hating our expwBPD for this, that or the other.   It's quite natural to want to vent, to be validated.   And to hurt back.  Makes perfect sense for a non especially early in the b/u.

But you are not dealing with a rational person.   They are pwBPD, and they don't get it.  At all. They can be callous, then cruel, then loving, then callous and cruel all over again.  Only you have the power to stop it.   Limit your communication.  Take hold of the person that you are and who you are meant to be.  You will grow into something amazing!

You have to work through the grief and detach.   It's a painful process, to be sure.  But do know that on the other side is a new you!  The complete you who is ready for happiness.  You have gifts that you haven't yet tapped.  The best part is that you will be happier.

For now use the anger to protect yourself.  You were hurt.  And you will win by being happy and healthy.   It's something to look forward to!

Go get a good massage!  :)id wonders for me!  

D

I've had a strange urge lately to send a text or an email (or even a letter by mail, since he's less likely to feel compelled to respond to that with information that could potentially hurt me about his "new life" basically just saying I hate him.

I know that really this would be an attempt to provoke him. Hoping he is in a dark or vulnerable place (given his patterns, the chances seem 50/50 that I'd catch him on an angsty/"down" day) and that this attempted re-opening of his wounds and expression of disapproval and re-affirmation of my now hating him will somehow... .cause him to break down and want me to come back to undo my negative judgment of him.

I know, in reality, this idea is counterproductive. It's me seeking validation, but in doing so probably just validating him more. Silence and implied indifference is really the best thing.

If I really wanted to hear something, then being honest about my motives and reaching out openly. Not playing games or trying to trick or being vindictively manipulative like this. But I don't feel safe doing that anymore. I know rationally that saying "I hate you" would be me "fishing" or testing the waters to see if maybe (like so many times before) he might react by suddenly warming up to me again. But by imagining doing it in the form of hatred, it is shielding me from the embarrassment or humiliation of admitting I still want him on some level and possibly being rejected again.

I guess I want something impossible: to figure out what is going on with him, to test the emotional waters, without risking learning anything I don't want to know.

It's almost like I wish I could ask a mutual friend to talk to him about me, tell the friend "Tell me if he is thinking of me in a good way, but just say nothing if he is not" and then take a forgetting pill to forget I ever asked the friend that (so that even the potential silence won't confirm anything even implicitly).

Is this just cowardice? I don't know... .

[santa]

You have nothing to gain from it and, frankly, they're not worth it. Don't put yourself through it.

[emotionaholic]

I completely understand your thought process and questioning.  Without real closure from our ex's it is left up to us to put it all together.  My ex still after 5 months has yet to contact me to come get her stuff, and its not just stuff its her bike, snowboard, her kids box of baby memorabilia, stuff that you don't just walk away from.  I will not break NC and I will never go back.  But something about the fact that she will have to humble herself and contact me is all the validation that I need.  

[thisyoungdad]

As someone else said, we have all felt it probably at some point. Thankfully I didn't go through with it. However what I did do instead was write the email but I made 100% sure that I didn't put her email in the address box so as to not send it accidentally. Then I wrote my heart out, and put it in my draft folder. I did this a few times actually. Then later came back and just deleted them because I saw with different eyes that it was useless to even send because they wouldn't be read or if they were nothing would happen. I felt really free doing it that way and was able to get a lot off my chest.

[KE151]

I completely understand your thought process and questioning.  Without real closure from our ex's it is left up to us to put it all together.  My ex still after 5 months has yet to contact me to come get her stuff, and its not just stuff its her bike, snowboard, her kids box of baby memorabilia, stuff that you don't just walk away from.  I will not break NC and I will never go back.  But something about the fact that she will have to humble herself and contact me is all the validation that I need.  

Hi

Or maybe she lets you hold on to the stuff because that's the only thread of a connection she has to you? Once she has the stuff back there's nothing left to connect you to her.

[necchi]

I completely understand your thought process and questioning.  Without real closure from our ex's it is left up to us to put it all together.  My ex still after 5 months has yet to contact me to come get her stuff, and its not just stuff its her bike, snowboard, her kids box of baby memorabilia, stuff that you don't just walk away from.  I will not break NC and I will never go back.  But something about the fact that she will have to humble herself and contact me is all the validation that I need.  

yep I've been there many times back then when it was easy to ignore her... .should of kept ignoring

Hi

Or maybe she lets you hold on to the stuff because that's the only thread of a connection she has to you? Once she has the stuff back there's nothing left to connect you to her.

[UmbrellaBoy]

I think that's a good idea: to write the email, save it in drafts, share it with friends, and then not send it. Or be open to sending it but promise myself I'll wait a week or two weeks and then see how I feel (and I'll probably feel different and then delete it).

I think that's a good plan.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Go for it Umbrella Boy!   But try not to send it, ever!   It only serves to reengage, and that's back to the recycling!  But it is a great way to share your anger and despair and grief with the only one who matters -  yourself!

D

[Learning_curve74]

A couple of thoughts... .In any healthy loving relationship we never have 100% certainty; we always have to be vulnerable to loss, betrayal, rejection, etcetera, otherwise we will end up trying to control or manipulate in an attempt to create what we think is certainty. And that is selfishness, not love.

Secondly, if you choose to play games instead of being honest, realize that a pwBPD has spent a lifetime becoming an expert game player, and not only that but he will also change the rules of the game whenever it suits his needs. So the game is rigged against you to begin with.

You understandably have questions and doubts about him. But in reality aren't the most important questions you need to ask about yourself? Like why do you cling to the belief that he is the key to your happiness when he so obviously is not, and why do you believe things can ever go back to the way they were?

[redkong]

UmbrellaBoy, I think your desires for closure and to hear these things from/about your ex pwBPD are understandable.  However, think things through very carefully before sending an such letter.  I don't really see any upsides to doing so, while the downsides are numerous.  Perhaps the email draft that you never send will help you get some of our feelings out.  More importantly, look inward and ask yourself the types of questions suggested by learning_curve74.  You are in a tough emotional spot.  Take some time to really think things through and see how your perspective changes and what insights you can gain about yourself first.  If you don't send the letter, you can always do so in the future.  However, once you send it, that cannot be undone.

[GreenMango]

I've had a strange urge lately to send a text or an email (or even a letter by mail, since he's less likely to feel compelled to respond to that with information that could potentially hurt me about his "new life" basically just saying I hate him.

I know that really this would be an attempt to provoke him. Hoping he is in a dark or vulnerable place (given his patterns, the chances seem 50/50 that I'd catch him on an angsty/"down" day) and that this attempted re-opening of his wounds and expression of disapproval and re-affirmation of my now hating him will somehow... .cause him to break down and want me to come back to undo my negative judgment of him.

I know, in reality, this idea is counterproductive. It's me seeking validation, but in doing so probably just validating him more. Silence and implied indifference is really the best thing.

If I really wanted to hear something, then being honest about my motives and reaching out openly. Not playing games or trying to trick or being vindictively manipulative like this. But I don't feel safe doing that anymore. I know rationally that saying "I hate you" would be me "fishing" or testing the waters to see if maybe (like so many times before) he might react by suddenly warming up to me again. But by imagining doing it in the form of hatred, it is shielding me from the embarrassment or humiliation of admitting I still want him on some level and possibly being rejected again.

I guess I want something impossible: to figure out what is going on with him, to test the emotional waters, without risking learning anything I don't want to know.

It's almost like I wish I could ask a mutual friend to talk to him about me, tell the friend "Tell me if he is thinking of me in a good way, but just say nothing if he is not" and then take a forgetting pill to forget I ever asked the friend that (so that even the potential silence won't confirm anything even implicitly).

Is this just cowardice? I don't know... .

Umbrella I urge you to work your feelings here.  It may be writing the letter you never send.  At this point sending an I Hate You message is picking a fight to alleviate your feelings.

It seems a lot of what's going on is you grappling with the loss.  Grief can be very difficult, and the same goes for adandonment. 

Do you have a therapist to help with this?