The court process is glacially slow.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm wondering if the court will listen to positive changes ofccircumstance on our end? Examples: SO buying a house where each child has their own room. Or SO no longer being in the Guard so he won't be going anywhere.

I don't know;  your lawyer should know what types of things can be considered a change of circumstances.

I think the changes of circumstances are intentionally vague so that judges have leeway in determining what counts. But yes, definitely talk to your L. The challenge is figuring out the best narrative. Not being in the Guard, and buying a house are very different than saying the kids are neglected. Better to focus on the neglect, I would think, and then, when the timing is right during the hearing, offer the alternative, which is to have the boys live with you, a two-parent home with a lot of consistency, etc., and attention to their vision, hygiene, and other basic necessities.

[livednlearned]

I'm wondering if the court will listen to positive changes ofccircumstance on our end? Examples: SO buying a house where each child has their own room. Or SO no longer being in the Guard so he won't be going anywhere.

I don't know;  your lawyer should know what types of things can be considered a change of circumstances.

I think the changes of circumstances are intentionally vague so that judges have leeway in determining what counts. But yes, definitely talk to your L. The challenge is figuring out the best narrative. Not being in the Guard, and buying a house are very different than saying the kids are neglected. Better to focus on the neglect, I would think, and then, when the timing is right during the hearing, offer the alternative, which is to have the boys live with you, a two-parent home with a lot of consistency, etc., and attention to their vision, hygiene, and other basic necessities.

[DontPanic]

On another note, please remember to document everything. it's one of the things that saved my case. my ex was an amazing liar (and had a lawyer of questionable morals). However, I kept every email, every facebook post, every police report, absolutely everything in a backpack. She began to call my backpack the black bag of death, because every time she would say something untrue, I'd bring out an email, facebook post or police report (many of the emails/fb posts written by her) that would prove that she was lying. it didnt take long before everybody got it that something was horribly wrong with her (psychologists etc... ) this in fact was how she was diagnosed with BPD...

Hope things go well for all of you and your children.

[Nope]

Yes, I agree that documenting has been critical. In hindsight I don't think our L was taking our case all that seriously until we started giving her actual paper and recording to work with. It really changed our case.

Well, I just found out the continuance was granted. The good news is that it only moved the court date out by 11 days. The other good news is that the timing works out so that we can actually see the kids while we are out there. So all we can hope is that they won't be able to get another continuance.

ForeverDad thanks for the input on stale. Some of this stuff will most certainly be stale but all together they are proof of a larger longer pattern. And I'd like to think the judge will see through the newly crowned MOTY since last month was the first time she brought them to the dentist since 2010. (Don't worry, we brought them in 2012 and earlier in 2013 when we realized she wasn't doing it.)

LnL I hope you are right about intentional vagueness and that the court at least sees significant reason to really look into this. I have this nightmare that she walks in and says "I've always parented them like this, so that isn't really a change in circumstances." Technically, that might fly.

[livednlearned]

LnL I hope you are right about intentional vagueness and that the court at least sees significant reason to really look into this. I have this nightmare that she walks in and says "I've always parented them like this, so that isn't really a change in circumstances." Technically, that might fly.

There were four things that helped me get full custody.

1. Documentation of N/BPD'x worst behavior

2. N/BPDx threatening the PC, who the courts see as one of their own

3. Me keeping my focus on S12

4. N/BPDx focusing his anger on me.

#2 was certainly important, and probably made my case a shoe-in. But #2 was probably just as important. My L commented that I was always focused on S12. Even when N/BPDx was cross-examining me on the stand, I kept things focused on S12.

When N/BPDx was on the stand, he couldn't help himself. He kept trying to vilify me, and it was pretty clear that his priority was not S12, even though he kept saying it was.

Not sure if that helps. I just think if I tried to modify parenting time based on N/BPDx drinking alcohol to excess when S12 was with him (which he did, and which he consented he would not do in our original consent order), and it was coming from a vindictive place, I don't think the judge would've changed the order. It's like they are looking for the most believable story about who truly cares most about the kids, and then they pick and choose what parts of the story they think best supports their belief.

[Nope]

There were four things that helped me get full custody... .

Not sure if that helps. I just think if I tried to modify parenting time based on N/BPDx drinking alcohol to excess when S12 was with him (which he did, and which he consented he would not do in our original consent order), and it was coming from a vindictive place, I don't think the judge would've changed the order. It's like they are looking for the most believable story about who truly cares most about the kids, and then they pick and choose what parts of the story they think best supports their belief.

Yes it helps very much. It won't be a problem for my SO as he is really centered on the kids and really doesn't care about whatever happens to her, good or bad. Like many nons who end up with a pwBPD, he used to be very poor at setting boundaries and spent their entire marriage walking on egg shells trying to please her. He got over it, but he never really got angry about it.

[livednlearned]

There were four things that helped me get full custody... .

Not sure if that helps. I just think if I tried to modify parenting time based on N/BPDx drinking alcohol to excess when S12 was with him (which he did, and which he consented he would not do in our original consent order), and it was coming from a vindictive place, I don't think the judge would've changed the order. It's like they are looking for the most believable story about who truly cares most about the kids, and then they pick and choose what parts of the story they think best supports their belief.

Yes it helps very much. It won't be a problem for my SO as he is really centered on the kids and really doesn't care about whatever happens to her, good or bad. Like many nons who end up with a pwBPD, he used to be very poor at setting boundaries and spent their entire marriage walking on egg shells trying to please her. He got over it, but he never really got angry about it.

That's good, and you probably have helped your SO a lot too. Having someone healthy in my life, even just as a companion, moderates my stress a lot, not to mention he's a very level-headed guy, and that tends to bring out good things in me. 

[Nope]

Little bit of an update.

Court next week. We have reason to believe that even though they now have our exhibits her L hasn't shown them to her yet. I'm confused by this as there is a whole long Request For Admissions that is due on Friday and a whole bunch of evidence is there to back it up. She is now in the position of having to either admit to a whole bunch of stuff or lie knowing full well that evidence will prove her a liar. So all I can assume is that there will be a last minute continuance request again. That, and a request for more time to work on Admissions.

We are actually flying out early to spend time with the kidsbut BPD mon and her L are avoiding phone calls for confirmation of arrangements. It's in the plan that she has to allow the visit but there are no rules that say she has to make it easy. Or not tell us that she disagrees with the meeting time/place until we are already on the ground. Can we get her on Contempt later if we don't get the kids? Sure. But she doesn't pay contempt findings anyway. And it costs us an arm and a leg every time we go through this. So next time we will give her a finite amount of time to respond and if not we will take that as a refusal and just start at Contempt. No answer really does need to be an answer.

Can you guys tell I'm frustrated?

[ForeverDad]

She probably won't be held in Contempt if the visit hasn't happened yet.  I learned the hard way that not responding may not be seen as obstructing your parenting time.  It's likely the judge will say you have to lose something in order for it to be Contempt.  Have you asked for legal fees and the travel expenses for the failed visit?

However, it might be interesting if you arrive, kids aren't available as order requires and then you go straight to court and file an ex parte motion.  Not sure if that's allowed or the proper way to do it.

[Nope]

Thanks for the thought FD! There are actually several possible scenarios since we are to pick the kids up at school. 1) We go to the school and get told that she hasn't sent in a note giving the school permission to release them to us. Or 2) We get the kids and she gives us the run around about getting their overnight bag to us. The parenting plan doesn't cover this part at all. (Long story short, even our lawyer doesn't think it's appropriate to make the kids bring an extra bag on the bus so qw always get it separate.) Our parenting time request that she won't respond to says we want to meet at a specific time at the police station to get the bag. What usually happens in this situation is that my SO jumps through a bunch of hoops for her entertainment (with the kids in the car) just to get the bag.

... . Maybe we shshould suck it up and pack an extra bag to bring with clothes from our place and pay the $50 to check it.

[Matt]

How old are the kids?

My experience was - my kids were 8 and 10 when we separated - pretty soon I found that they were more mature and better planners than their mom.  So I gradually - by the time they were 10 and 12 - put all the planning, packing etc. on them, not their mom.  I would call them and tell them, "I'm going to pick you up at noon tomorrow, so make sure your stuff is packed."  At first there were problems with laundry not being done, so I told them, "Bring them as they are and we'll wash and dry them here."

See if you can work with the kids to solve these problems.  Maybe have them pack their bags and leave them in their rooms, so when you pick them up after school, you can just swing by their mom's house and let them run in and get their bags.

[Nope]

Thanks Matt, but she only allows my SO to talk to the kids once a week on a specific day and time as per the bare minimum she can get away with in the parenting plan. They are 9 and 10 so right now bringing it up a week in advance, with all the insanity and sabotaging that happens in the house, isn't going to get us anywhere. BPD mom also screamed at my SO to never come by her house. There is literally nothing in writing saying she needs to tolerate us coming to the house and we'd like to avoid any no trespassing order insanity.

[Nope]

UPDATE:

The BPD mom seriously has the worst L. This L never got around to even telling her client about the request for parenting time so BPD mom was blindsided when we tried to get the kids. No, really. The L and her paralegal fully admitted they screwed up and never told her. So getting the kids was a huge mess and we ended up not getting even one thing we put in the original request. But we did get to see them so that was great.

When we returned them to BPD mom the night before court she was as cool and relaxed as could be during the exchange. We didn't show it, but it really freaked us out. I mean, the other side had a full week with all of our evidence and we clearly had a strong case. We actually called our L's office before the day-of meeting and asked if there was something BPD mom knew that we didn't.

So what happened at court?

-Her L immediately said she wasn't prepared and asked for a continuance.

- Our L then moved that a Change of Circumstances hearing wasn't even necessary.

-The judge looked over the paperwork and agreed with our L and then immediately set a date for a final hearing for residential custody. She told the other L that she didn't need a continuance to prepare for an event that now wasn't happening.

- Our L, upon hearing a custody investigator can't go into the home, asked for a GAL instead and then picked one she really trusts.

- Her L, without so much as consulting her client, agreed to the GAL and agreed to our L's choice of GALs.

- Then the judge went ahead and set the due dates for every portion of this case going forward, thereby removing any need for any pretrials.

But what happened after the hearing was over was the really crazy part. Her L then took her into a conference room and explained what a GAL is. (I am sure that went over real well.) And THEN went over the evidence we were originally going to use for a Change In Circumstances hearing that day! Her L had been so confident about getting the continuance that she hadn't even looked at anything or warned her client about what we had.

I really hope she keeps this lawyer around.