is the pain because we are finally exposed?

[caughtnreleased]

Could the reason why a relationship with a pwBPD is so difficult and hurtful be that essentially over our lifetime we have developed coping mechanisms to deal with our own pain... .be it pride, ego, defensiveness - so many coping mechanisms to truly keep people at bay - which we developed because we never were allowed to feel vulnerable and safe during our upbringing.  For whatever reason with our pwBPD, we bring down those defenses, and oh how it feels so good - to finally allow someone to love us, to love someone back - because for so many years we have closed ourselves off to others. It's as if we are being told that yes, in the end, our flawed coping mechanisms do work because we now have everything we ever wanted. But as we all know, it's not real.  I think perhaps what is so difficult is that we temporarily think that we've made it... .and then when the fall comes, it actually exposes to us our own flaws, and that the way we have lived our lives until now is simply made up of unhealthy coping behaviours that generally keep all (except pwBPD) out.  Just some thoughts.  But it's true that I have really examined myself over the past few months and see so many unhealthy coping mechanisms that I developed from my upbringing, meant to protect me from from all the attacks that I experienced back then.  I have gone through life thinking that everyone would want a piece of me, attack me, undermine me, etc and therefore built very tall walls and defenses to protect myself from it.  Of course, somehow, only the NPDs and BPDs managed to get through those walls... .and it was devastating.  But I finally had to understand that there was something I wasn't getting right, because I didn't want a repeat of the N/BPD relationship.

[froggy]

I think they get in because they are very good at seeing our flaws... like a lion knows which one in the herd is weak... they know how to attract us... they know how to mirror what we need so perfectly and because we are so emotionally lonely and in such desperate need to be loved that we stand out and just open the gate in the wall we have built.

Once they are in they are so good at using our insecurities against us and ends up crushing and controlling us.

I know for me I was so conditioned to ignore my needs and feelings. My father didn't allow us to be angry or show negative feelings... the "I'll give you something to cry about"... when upset.

We were taught to ignore boundaries. .were never alowed to talk back or have an opinion... just do as your told.

He made sure we trusted no one not even our siblings.

I was perfect prey for someone with BPD ... .explains why I've been in this relationship for 34 years.

My father set me up for this... .and I saw what he was just before we got married(first fight 2 months before the wedding and I horror the light bulb went on that he was like my dad) but my boundries were non existent and didn't know I could say no(I was 17)I KNEW it was a mistake... but I went through with it. I can see it in the wedding pictures.

All I ever wanted was someone to love me... and I married someone who isn't capable of giving me what I need.

I'm learning 'I' have to love me... .I had no idea how deep the self loathing was until a friend pointed things out to me.

Lots of work to do.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi froggy, yes... .it is all we wanted. Someone to love us, but we need to start with ourselves.   

[froggy]

Caughtnreleased

At 50 just learning that now.

With a lifetime of living with someone with BPD... first my father who was extremely abusive then married early to my uBPDh.

It's a difficult thing to learn. I was always told that too much focus on ones self was being self absorbed... .as a child I took that as think NOTHING of myself. Having to start from the beginning. .I really don't know anything else... .very sad really.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi froggy, I can understand. I too was told that any and every time I expressed my needs I was being selfish, spoiled and totally inappropriate .  My family still does this to me and even today I received major pushback for simply expressing a need. After all the drama it provoked I think I understood why they pushed back so hard: they are not capable of doing it themselves and feel threatened by it.  I think and hope I am making progress with myself but it does feel so hard sometimes.  I feel so hurt, crippled and abnormal. But the only thing to do is to keep moving... .  I like to think that it gets easier as we pick up speed... .But the initial steps to move out of our old habits do feel like the hardest steps sometimes. 

[Perfidy]

Pain!... .Oh yeah!  I love the stuff... caused me to do a lot of reading. Try and figure out my own pain and suffering. Emotional pain... .We get this because of something or someone that we want.it is our desire to have something that we can't have. Even if we are the one to end the relationship... .It was something that we once wanted. The only way to end the suffering is to stop the wanting. Stop the desire. Happiness is our natural condition. We have the freedom to screw it up anytime we choose.

[caughtnreleased]

It was something that we once wanted. The only way to end the suffering is to stop the wanting. Stop the desire. Happiness is our natural condition. We have the freedom to screw it up anytime we choose.

Yes. But it is so hard to stop that wanting even if we know we actually won't get what we want!  But you make a good point... .Maybe we like pain a bit more than we are willing to admit.

[Perfidy]

CnR... That we are mourning a loss... .I have nothing but pain where she was. That is all I have left of her... .the pain. I hold on to that pain and treasure it ... .Cherish it... Because it is her. I don't suffer as bad now... .It's been many months. When I can honestly say that I no longer want her I will have let go of the pain. Let go of her.