Trying ...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's Saturday morning and tonight is the night he talked about cooking dinner for me ... .

I woke up and he had already left ... which was good.

i went to the store for myself but the whole time my mind kept wondering where he was ... has he gone for more food? ... if not, where is he? ... has he 'been forgiven' by my replacement and gone to her? ... I kept TRYING to block out these thoughts but they are relentless ... .

We spoke briefly on the phone (a house issue) about 10 minutes ago ... and it sounded like he was inside ... in a house, definitely NOT at the shops ... so, I am bracing myself for being devastated (again) when he doesn't come home ...

Part of me really REALLY wants him to stay out ... .I think (I THINK) it may be the push I need to shut him out completely ... I feel angry ... and I don't even know why, but I am grateful for the anger, no matter what its origins.

This man does not want me. This man does not desire me or care about me or even think about me unless I happen to be here for company ... I feel sick and angry ... god it's good to feel angry ... even if it is coupled with tears and sickness ... .I am sick ... .

[damage control]

It's Saturday morning and tonight is the night he talked about cooking dinner for me ... .

I woke up and he had already left ... which was good.

i went to the store for myself but the whole time my mind kept wondering where he was ... has he gone for more food? ... if not, where is he? ... has he 'been forgiven' by my replacement and gone to her? ... I kept TRYING to block out these thoughts but they are relentless ... .

We spoke briefly on the phone (a house issue) about 10 minutes ago ... and it sounded like he was inside ... in a house, definitely NOT at the shops ... so, I am bracing myself for being devastated (again) when he doesn't come home ...

Part of me really REALLY wants him to stay out ... .I think (I THINK) it may be the push I need to shut him out completely ... I feel angry ... and I don't even know why, but I am grateful for the anger, no matter what its origins.

This man does not want me. This man does not desire me or care about me or even think about me unless I happen to be here for company ... I feel sick and angry ... god it's good to feel angry ... even if it is coupled with tears and sickness ... .I am sick ... .

[Learning_curve74]

The mixture of feelings suck and hurt a bunch, dc. I'm not sure if you're in the same state I was in when I was at the end of my relationship and immediately afterwards, but I remember feeling sad, angry (at my exBPDgf AND myself),  hurt, and frustrated all at the same time. Why do I love somebody that hurts me so much, why do I love somebody I can't be with? I just wanted an amnesia ray to erase my memory of everything.

Sometimes it's good to get angry. It can act as a catalyst for change. Can you take that energy from being angry and funnel it towards doing something for yourself? Are there any things that you've been wanting to do but never got around to trying? Maybe it's time to learn how to knit/crochet, become a boxer, learn how to cook Indian cuisine, write a book, whatever it is you might have dreamed for yourself before? When you are busy taking care of yourself, maybe that will help keep your mind off him?

[redkong]

DC - I'm so sorry you're having this experience right now.  I agree about trying to channel your anger toward doing something positive for yourself.  Also, if you are up to it, really dig deep and get to know yourself better.  If you are clear about your own self-worth and boundaries, it will be easier to "shut him out completely" if that's what you want/need to do.

Hugs to you 

[Surnia]

Hi damage control

I agree very much with Learning_curve about anger as a catalyst for change.

What can help perhaps is take a look at his words and at his actions. Action speak louder than words!

[patientandclear]

DC -- it seems like it might be helpful to recall what probably happens with this man.  He's likely telling the truth that he lost his feelings for you when you moved to be with him.  Seems highly likely that he is terrified of engulfment and you are now too close.  Unfortunately it isn't a simple matter now of getting less close. Something real has happened to his feelings about you & it isn't something that you can just run in reverse and undo.

Sounds (from your other posts) like he has well-developed coping strategies to deal with his desire for closeness and his fear of it.  He wants to pursue closeness, he doesn't want to achieve it.  Same with my uBPDex.  We are very close.  It causes him to practically shut down sometimes, and he can no longer contemplate a romantic r/s with me.  Things go haywire for him emotionally when he gets close to that question.  I can watch it.

Sounds like your guy can be emotionally close to someone he isn't physically with or isn't physically intimate with; or can be physically close to someone new or geographically remote.  He just can't put it all together.  And he hedges constantly against the fear of failure of his attachments by cultivating new attachments.

As a T of mine said, he's not a person, he's a system.  He operates in this way -- he just does -- it isn't personal to you, as you learned when you read the blog of his ex, whom he was seeing before you.  So far, in his whole life, he hasn't achieved anything different than what just happened with you.  Don't worry that somehow it's about you.

That said, he probably does want to be close to you -- he just can no longer combine that with physical closeness and an overt romantic framework because it makes him fall apart to contemplate that.  It's just that, if that is the most he can muster, so soon after other promises of a full r/s and you having moved across the country to join him, that is going to be very slim comfort.  It would hurt anyone.

It is very unlikely to get resolved.  So if you find this situation painful, actual distance seems imperative.  If you move out, that doesn't mean you can't have contact with him if you choose to.  But it does give you the option, and it protects you from information that sometimes you might feel you don't really need or want.

I say this as someone who's stayed in close touch with my uBPDex.  I don't preach eternal no contact.  But I couldn't even venture my post r/s friendship with him until almost a year had passed.  It was too full of pain and rejection for the first many months.  I think you need a safe space in which you have choices about knowing or not knowing, seeing or not seeing, contact or no contact, from hour to hour, day to day.  Where you aren't constantly waiting to see what he'll do.  You might as well be in a bad r/s with him right now -- you are taking on all the anxiety downsides and getting none of the benefits.

[damage control]

Thank you all for your responses, they are much appreciated.

LC:

I am a mix of emotions such as you describe ... .I am currently challenged at work as I have just finished 3 weeks of training and have been asked to do another three weeks so that I am able to do the full range of what I am doing by Xmas ... believe me, it is exhausting as every day is learning/re-skilling so it takes most of my energy just to deal with that.

RK:

Indeed ... I think it is exactly what I need to do.

Surnia:

Organising this dinner and then disappearing first thing in the morning without a word to either go to my replacement or, perhaps even her replacement ... yes ... those actions are speaking loudly to me.

P+C:

I think you are absolutely right about his cycle or systm as you call it ... I don't think (for the first time) that I can in any way be friends with him ... today, I am at that point. I am hurt but I am more angry ...

I am currently, SERIOUSLY contemplating sending him an email or text asking him to please not have any more contact with me. Even though we in the same house, we don't need to see anything of each other ... if he stops coming outside when I am there ... really, we can pass in the kitchen ocassionally but it is possible to have very little contact.

I want to send it now ... while I am angry and not wait until my anger has siubsided ... I don't know if it is the right thing to do? I truly do not want to send it to engage him ... as P+C has said - his feelings are dead; no going back there anyhow.

[damage control]

I just sent the text:

"Obviously we are not friends. I no longer what any contact with you whatsoever. It is possible for us to barely see each other here and this is my wish."

I have never sent or said anything of this nature to him EVER.

I may have some regrets ... .but I don't care. It's done ... and I feel some relief.

I am so angry right now, I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw him again.

I do not expect a response or any engagement from him ... and that is all to the good ... let him sink or swim in what has created, I will no longer be one of his life rafts.

Unlike him, I can make friends easily ... I don't need to prey on isolated women or play mind games with anyone who gets close. In the meantime, I am OK on my own ... I want my dog her with me ... that is step 1. I have a very tough 3 weeks training coming up before xmas and then I will make the step to get out of this house ... .another 4-5 weeks tops and in the meantime, I will ignore him.

My feelings haven't gone ... but they are pointless and damaging to me and I WILL overcome them.

[patientandclear]

Bravo!  That is all really wonderful, and sounds like quite a shift for you.  A really important shift.

My feelings haven't gone ... but they are pointless and damaging to me and I WILL overcome them.

I admire this sentiment greatly and am going to steal it, if you don't mind!

[damage control]

Thanks P+C ... feel free to use it ... I am going to sew it into my clothing ...

[damage control]

I am stunned ... he responded. I didn't think he would - not in a million years. God what is wrong with these people? ... I finally, FINALLY lay down a boundary and he can't respect that?

His text:":)C, I haven't seen you all week. I wasn't even sure you were around most of the time. I made dinner last night and wanted to share but you didn't appear to be around."

What the heck?

Not only is it a non-response, we hung out on Wed night for hours ... it was then that the whole 'dinner on Saturday night' came up from him ... .

I cannot fathom why he even responded ... .can someone enlighten me? Please? ... my head is just screaming right now ... leave me the ___ alone

PS: I have no intention of engaging him with a reply. None whatsoever.

[patientandclear]

Several things.

One, I realize the immediate impetus for the message you sent was him seemingly being AWOL for dinner, but really, isn't the larger point about "we're not friends" that he has treated you horribly overall?  He gets you to move to his town, but when you arrive, suddenly has changed the terms of your r/s entirely; immediately gets involved intimately with another woman; and so on.  So his response, which appears to be about dinner last night, doesn't engage the larger issues.

Also, you're right, you asked for no contact and after everything, he should respect that.  I will say that if someone I was close to suddenly asked to end contact & I thought it was based on a misunderstanding, I would probably do what he did and take one stab at correcting the mistake -- but I'd add "if you still want no contact, I will respect that," especially when, as here, in the larger context, he knows full well what might prompt you to make that request.

To me the most disturbing, mind-twisting aspect of his message and thewhole situation is the quasi-gaslighting character of it.  He's blinking at you innocently saying "what? I don't see anything," when you point out that obvious -- that there's something wrong in the situation, that it is hurting you, that he's let you down.

My ex does this & it's really hard for me to orient myself toward him because of it.  We're really close, he freaks out, and then instead of saying "being close freaks me out," he acts like anyone would behave the way he did, he can't imagine why I have any different expectations, etc.  He'll tell a story that rationalizes his actions and then act surprised and betrayed if I don't go along with the story.

I have compassion for why my ex does this, I understand it's defenses and coping strategies, I've made a long term decision to engage with him notwithstanding all that.  But it's still rough to have the only other witness to the story between you look you right in the face, as it were, and act like nothing's strange or wrong.  The guy you're dealing with has that quality, and the situation you're in sort of has that quality built in -- it automatically normalizes what is not normal (you guys see each other in the intimate setting that was meant to be the site of your romantic r/s going to the next level, now you have a totally different kind of r/s, and he acts like there's nothing to explain or make right).  Having your reality constantly denied implicitly is really hard on your heart & mind.

I think your step in de-normalizing the situation is very important.  Not replying is consistent with your original request and it essentially says you don't expect him to understand your view of things and you aren't going to attempt to get him to.  That's reality-based.  If you do reply, you might say just "my view of friendship would preclude most of what's gone on the past couple of months.  I feel strongly that minimizing contact is the best way forward.  Thanks."

[damage control]

P+C:

That is the most insightful and astute description of his behaviour I have ever seen ... that and the one you wrote about his 'system'.

You don't know this, but the post about his 'system' was the catalyst for me sending him the text - and I cannot thank you enough for that because it made me realise that not only was I harboring hope that 'falling back' would somehow reignite his feelings (he wouldn't feel engulfed) but that said hope was futile ... I hadn't admitted to myself that I was even contemplating it until I saw your words and I knew that I had to sever that hope no matter what.

He is has been gaslighting ... the irony of this is that at some point, may months ago, I told him that his ex was gaslighting him and needed to explain the concept of what that meant ... .but, it is he who gaslights, he probably did it to her (after three years he told her they were never in a 'relationship, that they had a 'friendship' .

His response text was ridiculous as it appeared to be responding to dinner (as you point out) ... .but I feel that expanding/explaining is not worth my time ... .he must know ... and I still, after a night's (restless) sleep feel no compunction to engage with him.

I cannot see, nor believe that he would think the text was only about dinner ... his seeming surprise/defense against this is nothing ... it means he is either completely disengaged about what he has done or, he is stupid. And one thing he is not, is stupid.

This dinner, of which I was hesitant about anyway, was the straw that flicked the lightbulb ... .

I have read your other posts about staying in contact with your ex and - again - I must admit that I thought our friendship, our emotional closeness was something perhaps preserving in the long term ... and that once my romantic feelings had subsided, I could also be someone that he could rely on to be a friend ... .but, I no longer feel that way, or that compulsion. He is a drowning ship intent on taking everyone on board down with him. I cannot help, I cannot fix and being there for him means being subject to lies and deceit and I just can't do it, no matter how damaged he is ... .my compassion got used up last night.

Perhaps he cannot help what he does or does not feel ... but he can help how he does and does not act ... .and therein lies the difference: he has shown me two different selves and as much as I long for the old one, my triggering of him has bought out the selfish, terrified and manipulative/lying self. He keeps telling me that during the past few weeks he has felt nothing but rage and futility, that nothing gives him pleasure, that he is unable to contribute to day-to-day conversations with people as he has nothing to say/contribute and that he has no sexual desire for anyone or anything nor any purpose life. AND YET, he still goes to my replacement on the weekend - or her replacement, he told me about yet another woman he is talking to online - AND he is 'fishing' on a dating site right now as I type this. So ... which lie is real? Both of course. And that is HIS burden, but it is no longer mine.

I don't want to respond to him as one of his tactics has always to get me to respond - to say anything that will get me talking (" ie:you are my only friend and you are leaving me, life is now a bleak landscape" ... he actually said stuff like that all the time). However, your advice for a response is excellent and, should it come to a face-to-face, I will use some version of those words.

I don't think it will come down to a face-to-face talk. He will not try unless I give him and 'in' to do so by engaging with him ... .and I have no intention of that ... I will calm down in the next few days - work always gets my head away from him and gives me perspective  ... but I don't want perspective ... I want him out of my head and then my heart.

Thank you for your posts. They pulled me through an awful night and kept me strong as well as explained some of the conflict and confusion I was feeling.

[patientandclear]

DC, I'm so glad. Your courage is giving me courage. I am processing what to do about ways my continued contact w/my ex hurts me, and your decisive step is inspiring me. Keep us updated on how you're doing!

[damage control]

P+C

'No man's land" ... or LC is no place to be ... it hurts by definition because you/me are caught ... a replacement seems ... .unthinkable while there is still a connection to this (once) ideal person. Not only that ... .but it keeps BPD in your/my life and that is not only dangerous, it is self-destructive.

I am still in this house. So, he is still in my life to a degree ... .but I have never laid down a NC contact before, even in our worst moments I assured him he had not lost me forever and that if he ever needed me, I would be there for him.

Now, I ask why I would be there for someone who has not been there for me? Yes, he acts in kind ways at times, and yes, he has been generous, but never ever in the sense of the relationship ... .he will give support in tangential areas that pose no threat ... and that ... is a superficial connection ...

I don't know about you, but I want friends and lovers who can put themselves on the line for me, as I would for them. I don't see any reason or rationale that justifies having somebody in my life who is hardwired to deceive me. I don't know about yours, but mine is pathological about deceit - he needs his 'internet women' so that he has an aspect of himself that I (or whoever he is involved with) doesn't 'know everything' about him ... .he doesn't do it for the pleasure (most of the time he sneers about these women, it's a rare one who truly interests him) ... .he does it for validation, for backup should things go wrong and to 'have one over' on his current lover/friend/intimate partner ... .

It's no longer a suspicion or a hurtful acknowledgement, or something that makes me question my own desirability. It is a fact. And one that I know I cannot or could not ever live with.

My only consolation is that I doubt he lives with it either ... hence his current impotence (except when online, I am pretty sure he is OK with cybersex), his rage, his fear/anxiety and his sense of futility. How can anybody who carries these things be a whole person that is capable of a friendship or relationship?

I hope that whatever your decision regarding your ex, you make it with clarity and concern for yourself first. Whatever you choose to do, I am sure it will be the best path for you.