So tired of the fighting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im just so tired of the fighting.  My wife went out of town this weekend, her cousin lost his best friend and she went to be with him for support.  Well, when she came back this afternoon, she got back while I was still at work.  She had messaged me that she was hungry and asked if I would pick her up something to eat on her way home.  I said I would.  I work in a kitchen, and we close early on Sundays, so I was doing all my closing duties, and called and ordered her sandwich when I was done.  At my job, when we are closing, we use a hose to spray off a lot of the equipment that we use that is too big to go through a dishwasher, so I tend to get very wet at close.  So I decided while I'm waiting on my food to be cooked, I would rush home get changed into some dry clothes and then go pick up the food.  I live like 4 blocks away from where I work.  Well when I got home, my wife was wondering why I didn't just go in there and wait for the food.  It kind of took me back, cause I haven't seen her all weekend, and that's the first thing she says to me.  Then she got all upset saying, she should have just went herself.  I didn't want to add to the problem, so I kept quiet, but I guess my facial expressions didn't hide it very well, so she got even more upset wondering what was wrong with me.  Said that I never speak up for myself that I am just a doormat and I let her walk all over me.  Well, first off, even if I did "let" her "walk all over me", she still has to take that action to "walk all over me" herself.   So that just upset me more, her calling me out saying Im letting her do this, but not taking any accountability for doing it herself.  She says she is just trying to help me grow, by pointing out my weak spots I guess.  I doesn't make sense to me.  I leave to go get the food, and when I get back, things settle down more.  I keep quiet and just eat.  Well not too long before she starts bringing it all back up again.  So I leave the room and go outside.  After about 5 minutes, she comes out there and tries to continue the argument out there.  I finally gave in and started going back at her, how Im tired of how she talks to me, that I feel like she is just degrading me and doesn't feel like she is trying to help me at all. That just upset her more.  She storms inside.  I finally go inside to the kitchen and just sit down, trying to get my thoughts together as to "what just happened".  She comes back up and says things like, "we are just not compatible, and she is tired of this, and Im not looking at myself, I need to fix myself, ect.  I have been going to Alanon (for family and friends of alcoholics - my wife is a recovering alcoholic) and have a sponsor who has been through a similar situation.  He feels like Im doing the right thing.  We are going to a marriage counselor right now, and seeing her separately because she feels joint counseling is too traumatic right now.  Well my marriage counselor thinks Im doing the right thing as well, as far as not adding to the situation and fighting back with her.  She also said she see's signs of BPD in my wife.  (my wife has never been actually diagnosed with BPD, but has said herself she thinks she may have it).  But according to my wife, Im doing it all wrong.  Im not working the Alanon program right, Im not putting myself first, Im not doing this right or that right, ect.  Finally we make up, if you want to call it that, more like we just stop fighting.  By then we were communicating through text messages cause we were in different rooms and didn't want to be around each other.  But I had told her how I felt, after all that's what she said she wanted.  I told her, I don't know what I want right now.  One day, I want this, then the next day I want that.  So Im still trying to figure that out.  Im not trying to hold her hostage (she has stated before she thinks we are just holding each other hostage in this marriage).  I told her I think we are compatible, we just have to give it a chance and stop trying to force it.  Well, I finally go to check on her and she is crying.  She says she is sorry for how she came at me and everything.  Well, then she kind of mummers "what do you mean you think we are compatible... .as friends?"  That kind of took me back, so I asked her, what do you mean?  She rolled over and said nothing, never mind.  I called my sponsor in Alanon.  Talked to him about the whole situation.  He believes she is trying to make sure we will have some type of relationship so I can be kind of her "go to babysitter".

     Our son is not biologically mine, so I technically have no rights to him.  That has worried me a lot, if we were ever to get a divorce, she could hold him over my head and use him as collateral to get what she wants and I cant do anything about it.  That definitely worries me, cause I love him, I think of him as my own son and definitely want to be in his life no matter what.  I have kind of felt that way myself, and had even said to her once, that I don't know how I would be able to handle still being his father if we were to divorce.  I said that I love him and would always want to be in his life, just that I didn't know how I would be able to handle it.  Well she took as to mean, I didn't want to be his dad anymore, and if we divorced I would no longer be there for him.  She used that against me for a while, till I finally sat her down and clarified what I meant.  That I care about him, was not in a good place when I said that, and that I always want to be in his life.  So that kind of settled that a little bit.  But I still feel as though, she is using that against me.  That I'll be the one watching him always while she goes and does whatever.  I cant do anything about it, she can hold it against me refusing to let me see my son if I don't just watch him whenever she wants.  Plus he would pretty much live with me right now anyway, because my wife works midnight to 8 am, so he would have to sleep at my place during the week, and she sleeps during the day, so I would be the one getting him from school every day, and she goes to her AA meetings at night, so I would be the one watching him at night.  At least until she changes her job hours.

      If you have seen any of my earlier posts, my wife has had this "connection" with another guy here recently.  Well, she has cut that connection off, she says (although this is the 4th time she has said that and yet it keeps coming back so I don't know if it really is cut off).  Now she throws that in my face all the time, that she is trying to make this marriage work and that she even cut off that connection for us.  To me, if you were really trying to make this work, why would you even let this "connection" get to that level like it did.  She has said it never got physical it was just emotional, but I have to admit, I do have my doubts.  And I hate that, this whole situation has turned me into someone I don't want to be.  Being very suspicious and questioning everything.  Im just so tired of it.  But then of coarse, something will happen that will bring me right back to that feeling of wanting to be with her.  Im so confused.

[Aburn4827]

Im just so tired of the fighting.  My wife went out of town this weekend, her cousin lost his best friend and she went to be with him for support.  Well, when she came back this afternoon, she got back while I was still at work.  She had messaged me that she was hungry and asked if I would pick her up something to eat on her way home.  I said I would.  I work in a kitchen, and we close early on Sundays, so I was doing all my closing duties, and called and ordered her sandwich when I was done.  At my job, when we are closing, we use a hose to spray off a lot of the equipment that we use that is too big to go through a dishwasher, so I tend to get very wet at close.  So I decided while I'm waiting on my food to be cooked, I would rush home get changed into some dry clothes and then go pick up the food.  I live like 4 blocks away from where I work.  Well when I got home, my wife was wondering why I didn't just go in there and wait for the food.  It kind of took me back, cause I haven't seen her all weekend, and that's the first thing she says to me.  Then she got all upset saying, she should have just went herself.  I didn't want to add to the problem, so I kept quiet, but I guess my facial expressions didn't hide it very well, so she got even more upset wondering what was wrong with me.  Said that I never speak up for myself that I am just a doormat and I let her walk all over me.  Well, first off, even if I did "let" her "walk all over me", she still has to take that action to "walk all over me" herself.   So that just upset me more, her calling me out saying Im letting her do this, but not taking any accountability for doing it herself.  She says she is just trying to help me grow, by pointing out my weak spots I guess.  I doesn't make sense to me.  I leave to go get the food, and when I get back, things settle down more.  I keep quiet and just eat.  Well not too long before she starts bringing it all back up again.  So I leave the room and go outside.  After about 5 minutes, she comes out there and tries to continue the argument out there.  I finally gave in and started going back at her, how Im tired of how she talks to me, that I feel like she is just degrading me and doesn't feel like she is trying to help me at all. That just upset her more.  She storms inside.  I finally go inside to the kitchen and just sit down, trying to get my thoughts together as to "what just happened".  She comes back up and says things like, "we are just not compatible, and she is tired of this, and Im not looking at myself, I need to fix myself, ect.  I have been going to Alanon (for family and friends of alcoholics - my wife is a recovering alcoholic) and have a sponsor who has been through a similar situation.  He feels like Im doing the right thing.  We are going to a marriage counselor right now, and seeing her separately because she feels joint counseling is too traumatic right now.  Well my marriage counselor thinks Im doing the right thing as well, as far as not adding to the situation and fighting back with her.  She also said she see's signs of BPD in my wife.  (my wife has never been actually diagnosed with BPD, but has said herself she thinks she may have it).  But according to my wife, Im doing it all wrong.  Im not working the Alanon program right, Im not putting myself first, Im not doing this right or that right, ect.  Finally we make up, if you want to call it that, more like we just stop fighting.  By then we were communicating through text messages cause we were in different rooms and didn't want to be around each other.  But I had told her how I felt, after all that's what she said she wanted.  I told her, I don't know what I want right now.  One day, I want this, then the next day I want that.  So Im still trying to figure that out.  Im not trying to hold her hostage (she has stated before she thinks we are just holding each other hostage in this marriage).  I told her I think we are compatible, we just have to give it a chance and stop trying to force it.  Well, I finally go to check on her and she is crying.  She says she is sorry for how she came at me and everything.  Well, then she kind of mummers "what do you mean you think we are compatible... .as friends?"  That kind of took me back, so I asked her, what do you mean?  She rolled over and said nothing, never mind.  I called my sponsor in Alanon.  Talked to him about the whole situation.  He believes she is trying to make sure we will have some type of relationship so I can be kind of her "go to babysitter".

     Our son is not biologically mine, so I technically have no rights to him.  That has worried me a lot, if we were ever to get a divorce, she could hold him over my head and use him as collateral to get what she wants and I cant do anything about it.  That definitely worries me, cause I love him, I think of him as my own son and definitely want to be in his life no matter what.  I have kind of felt that way myself, and had even said to her once, that I don't know how I would be able to handle still being his father if we were to divorce.  I said that I love him and would always want to be in his life, just that I didn't know how I would be able to handle it.  Well she took as to mean, I didn't want to be his dad anymore, and if we divorced I would no longer be there for him.  She used that against me for a while, till I finally sat her down and clarified what I meant.  That I care about him, was not in a good place when I said that, and that I always want to be in his life.  So that kind of settled that a little bit.  But I still feel as though, she is using that against me.  That I'll be the one watching him always while she goes and does whatever.  I cant do anything about it, she can hold it against me refusing to let me see my son if I don't just watch him whenever she wants.  Plus he would pretty much live with me right now anyway, because my wife works midnight to 8 am, so he would have to sleep at my place during the week, and she sleeps during the day, so I would be the one getting him from school every day, and she goes to her AA meetings at night, so I would be the one watching him at night.  At least until she changes her job hours.

      If you have seen any of my earlier posts, my wife has had this "connection" with another guy here recently.  Well, she has cut that connection off, she says (although this is the 4th time she has said that and yet it keeps coming back so I don't know if it really is cut off).  Now she throws that in my face all the time, that she is trying to make this marriage work and that she even cut off that connection for us.  To me, if you were really trying to make this work, why would you even let this "connection" get to that level like it did.  She has said it never got physical it was just emotional, but I have to admit, I do have my doubts.  And I hate that, this whole situation has turned me into someone I don't want to be.  Being very suspicious and questioning everything.  Im just so tired of it.  But then of coarse, something will happen that will bring me right back to that feeling of wanting to be with her.  Im so confused.

[downandin]

I don't have anything really to suggest; I just wanted to offer some empathy.  So many things you talked about in your post are so similar to things that happen to all of us.  The problem with my wife and me, though, has reached a point where we hardly ever communicate at all.  We had a short breakthrough a couple of months ago, but so much stress has entered our lives lately, that things are very much on the verge of falling apart again.

I'm sorry you have to go through the fighting.  In some ways, though, I have to say that when we were actually engaging in 'fights,' it was better than it is now.  Now, if we ever get in any kind of serious disagreement, she's like... ."I can't do this anymore.  This is it, I'm done.  I'm leaving."  I avoid fights like the plague, because I just don't want to deal with the ultimatums and the possible 'black-hole-silent treatment of death'  that continues sometimes for weeks on end.  It isn't worth it, so I try not to fight.

Anyway, I don't know if I've said anything of any value to you.  I just hate very much to see someone pour out their soul in a long post like yours and get no replies at all.  This place is for support, and everyone here needs to try to support everyone else even if we get too wound up in our own problems.

[Aburn4827]

Thank you.  I try to avoid fights most of the time as well.  Unfortunately it seems to anger her even more.  It's like she wants me to fight with her.  Ive been talking to our marriage counselor about as well, and she has some experience in dealing with BPD as well.  But again, thank you for the support.

[ugghh]

Welcome  Mike,

We have all been there through the roller coaster fights.  You are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation.  Remember pwBPD will never give up, they have to win, because unlike a non, then they would have to face the emptiness that is really inside of them.

Coming here to vent helps us keep our own sanity.