I started coming to this site 3-4 months ago and have received a wealth of knowledge and strength. Looking back at where I have been in the past, I realize how far I have come.
For years I was scared, stuck in the FOG. One of my biggest fears was telling my H I no longer wanted to be with him. I didn't want to hurt him - despite the fact that I have been hurting for years because of our dysfunctional relationship.
Even a month ago the thought of hurting my H seemed to be my biggest hurdle.
I talked to my counselor last week and told her that I had a realization that I have suffered so much stress during the 23 years I have been with my H. I have put up with way more than I should have put up with. I have enabled my H to exhibit his BPD behaviors without challenging him very much at all (not challenging him has always been easier than challenging him). I have been on antidepressants since 2006. I have high anxiety, I am nervous when I am around him, and I probably have some symptoms of PTSD. The realization I shared with the counselor is that while I have done everything in my power to try and make my H "happy" it has really killed me. However, all of this time, H has just done what he does with few regrets, few apologies, and almost zero recognition that it is possible he "might" be part of the problem with our relationship.
That realization for me is huge. To realize how much I have to give and how much I have tried to make our marriage work, to force myself to try and see the good in him for the sake of saving our marriage... .only to realize that he has basically gone through his life clueless about the effects he is having on me is mind-numbing and quite frankly, depressing!
The specific task I have been working on is how to get past feeling guilty about leaving my H and hurting him. I have done a lot of soul searching about this... .not only figuring out why I am so scared of hurting him, but also how to STOP feeling guilty about hurting him.
The past two weeks I have tried really hard to replace my thoughts of how my husband will feel with thoughts of how *I* will feel. When I start to see the visual image of my H alone in his house and sad that he doesn't have his family with him, I quickly change the image to something that I think will happen when the kids and I are no longer living with him. They are really random thoughts like us sitting and watching a movie together, taking a trip, or just hanging out... .literally they are just thoughts about how my life will be without my H. Not only are they thoughts, but feelings as well.
This has really been working for me. It has helped me move beyond fear, and is helping me to keep my final goal in mind. I am now placing more focus on my life AFTER divorce than I am placing on my H's life after divorce. This is how I should be thinking and I feel good that I have been able to make that transition in my mind.
That's all... .just wanted to share.
