starting from scratch with a UBPD mom as grandma

[nomom4me]

I've been lurking on the boards for months and didn't want to post anything about my pregnancy, at the suggestion of Dr's and my therapist I did not announce my pregnancy to my family until after my child was born - not regrets there, the hospital is crowded enough without a BPD in the recovery room.

Some background, after a family emergency 2.5 years ago it became clear that there is a pattern of disordered behavior with my mother.  She turned a funeral into a three ring circus and I took a break from family events after, I am on LC with her and that turned into VLC because she refuses to return calls and only wants to contact me via writing.  We have an almost 20 year history of nasty letters (from her) and my partner has requested that she not have our address.  She has made holidays contingent on written contact, she loves email and I cannot have the distraction online (especially now that I have a baby).  To her credit, she seems to be making an effort to plan holidays the normal way (by phone) and when I announced the birth I made it clear that I would prefer to announce to all other family.  She has respected that, but has not called to check in and see how me or the baby is doing.  The silent treatment has been her new thing, I think she might think I'll crack and want her "help".  I'm stressed, sleep deprived and running on fluctuating hormones... .it is confusing as I am already so bonded with my daughter that I'd do anything for her, but I know better than to let my mom in at such a sensitive time.

I would not use the wording of "starting from scratch" or a "fresh start" with my mom, she has been asking for that and I know what she wants is amnesty and she confuses forgiveness with forgetting but operationally we are out of old patterns and primed to do things differently this time around.  My partner and I have talked about having my mom sign a contract, we even looked into family law attorneys and grandparents rights (she tried to assert these with a siblings child).  I don't want to drag the law in, I do want to make it clear that monitored visits are the best she will get with this kid (she had other grandkids for weekends, did childcare, etc.)  I'd be especially interested to hear from other parents dealing with disordered grandparents, as well as your cautionary tales I'd love to hear what has worked as far as setting boundaries and how to deal with the anxiety these interactions bring up.

[Sitara]

Congrats on your new baby nomom4me!  Most of this response is a re-post from a similar question but I thought it might be helpful if you haven't already read it.

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My mom was ecstatic when I told her I was having my first son.  She started babysitting for him when he was about 1, 4 times a month.  My husband and I thought it was a win-win; she got more time with him and we saved money on daycare.  We offered to pay and drop off at her house - both to which she declined.  Things started off well, but as time went on she started to get more passive-aggressive and angry.  She took him stomping through mud puddles in his nice leather shoes, and flipped out at me when I asked her politely to use his play shoes next time.  She would tell me my husband was a great father but I was a terrible mom and list off things I was doing wrong.  She started calling us more and more telling us she couldn't watch him for whatever reason.  Once she called me at 9 pm the night before saying she was sick and asked if it would be inconvenient if she couldn't watch him.  I mistakenly answered honestly that yes, it was inconvenient because my husband and I both had work obligations that were difficult to get out of at that short of time.  She flipped out and said we needed to have more backups for when she couldn't watch.  We had two people other than her, but they couldn't do it on such short notice.  Once she had a tooth pulled and told me she'd "need a whole month to recuperate."  So I called her a couple days after the surgery and asked how she was doing.  Her response was, "Oh I'm great! Why wouldn't I be?"  Well, maybe because you told me you needed a whole month off.  She was starting to take more days off than she was actually watching by the end.

When I had my second son, my mom was the one who was supposed to take the oldest while we were in the hospital.  She assured us she'd keep him as long as we needed, just take a few days to get some rest before dealing with both!  She ended up taking him a couple days before giving birth because I had precursors to labor that sent me to the hospital.  She wanted to bring him back as soon as she found out I got sent home, but I asked her to keep him because I thought I'd go into active labor soon.  Long story short, we were home less than 24 hours before she dropped my first son off on our doorstep.  Trusting her in that situation was a huge mistake, as we turned down someone else's offer to take my oldest.

We asked my mom if she would continue babysitting for both boys, but for only 2 days a month.  She told me she needed my whole maternity leave to decide.  My husband and I decided it was far too stressful having her babysit anymore.  When I told her, I had kind of hoped she'd be disappointed about seeing the kids less, but she was ecstatic.  She saw my youngest a total of 3 times in his first year, but she constantly wanted to have the oldest over for long weekends when it suited her.

She eventually accused me of threatening her that if she hadn't agreed to babysit, she'd never see her grandkids.  She said I was taking advantage of her, and think about how difficult it was for her to drive through traffic and how early she'd have to get up and how she figured she spent $200 for 2 days of babysitting because she'd have to bring food and for gas. (We always had food for our son, she always found a reason he couldn't eat it, or said she didn't know it was for him.)  She told us we never offered to pay her and that we never offered to drive him to her place.

Before we moved cross country, she started telling my oldest son that, "he'd never see grandma again."  He would come home in a depressive funk and that's not normal or ok for a 4 year old!  That's when we stopped his visits, that's when I found this website.

I completely stopped existing once my children were born, and she was constantly telling me how I was a terrible parent and what I should be doing as a parent.  The only times she contacts me is when a holiday is coming up, so she can have her perfect little image of a holiday surrounded by her grandchildren.  My children helped me realize my mom isn't healthy and are my driving force to make myself better, so they can grow up in a healthier family than I have.  They are what finally gave me the strength to say no.

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We're just starting putting up boundaries, so I can't really say what has worked yet.  Since we moved so far away we don't have to worry about visits.  We're pretty much only allowing gifts to be sent as long as she doesn't ignore our boundaries.  I guess you could call this a trial period.  It sounds like you already have a pretty clear idea of what you want to do.  I hope things work out for you, and enjoy your baby!

[nomom4me]

Thanks, Sitara... .I'm at home with the baby full-time, but we already have childcare backups set up.  I saw my sister struggle with letting my mom care for her child, I saw her kid in some not-too-safe situations (like falling asleep with the dog) and vowed before I conceived not to have my kids alone with my mom, ever.  She also has "emergencies" that range from real to hair appointments, I was the back up babysitter for awhile and my mom would call at 6am asking me to travel 3 hours so she could do something social, if I wasn't available she would just take my sisters kid to her office, my mom has no respect for professionalism or real world consequences to her behavior, she thinks everyone buys into her escalation created urgency. My sister is as much to blame for her lack of boundaries and enmeshment, she complains that the dog was actually a better sitter than my mom but does not make other plans for her child.  Dealing with my sister is a little easier that dealing with my mom, she is a little more rational but also escalates to the point where it looks like mania.  At present I think the two of them are giving me the silent treatment in hopes that I'll come crying for help.  As if.

I'm anticipating my mom will want weekends with the baby, she basically wants a grandchild on demand.  I'm not going to be the camel that carries this kid along to her whims, I'm not feeding into the drama... .

[CarolinaGirl]

I'm struggling with a similar situation with my dad. He is undiagnosed and can't seem to understand why I wouldn't leave my child with him or my bi-polar ex-stepmom, as if either of those options were realistic. I'm curious to see how other people respond as I'm desperate for advice, too.