What we get used to as normal...

[hopesky]

during an argument this weekend my wife opened the car door- while the car was moving... .again- the third time this year, the last time was on the freeway at over 70mph!   The old me in the fog would have just let this go as she was  angry- I don't let this go anymore.  I told her that's not ok to open the door of a moving car and threaten to get out- especially with our kids in the backseat.  It's almost funny (almost) how she can not acknowledge that this behavior is wrong- that normal well adjusted people don't just open car doors on the freeway and threaten to jump out... .

Looking back over years of this kind of wacky behavior I just can't believe how much I've been through, and unfotunatley how messed up I have been in the past for accepting the outrageous as normal... .all the times I made excuses, took responsibility for her actions that wasn't mine to take... .anyway, just feels good to write this and get it out of my head.  Just trying to keep my Zen, validating calm thing going on- some days it's just so hard to validate absurdity... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

yes, this is not normal... .is there a way to tt her and validate her feelings as to why she does this?

[MammaMia]

hopesky

Does your car have automatic door locking?  You can lock all of the doors from the driver's side.  I think it as meant as a child safety device but in this case, I would use it whenever she is in the car.

This tactic is meant to frighten you.  Your dBPDw is not thinking about the children

witnessing it and the impact on them.

Act like a child... .you get treated like a child.

[hopesky]

I have talked to her about this, she feels that when she requests to stop the car and I don't do it INSTANTLY- I mean instantly like slamming on the brakes  then I am "abusing and controlling" her.  I can't stress enough I have absoutely no problem pulling over, and I put up no argument whatsoever with her request to pull over.  Trying to validate how she is feeling abused and controlled when I am talking as calmly and politley as possible is what I refer to as "validating the absurdity"- I do it but it just seems nuts.

She has mentioned before that when she is in an argument she feels like a cock in a cockfight, with a ring of people above her yelling ,laughing and heckling her- which sounds like an absolute nightmare to go through... .funny thing is our "arguments" are somewhat one sided now, and she still feels this way when I'm talking calmly and politely.  It's almost like just having a different opinion in itself is an "attack" on her?

[hopesky]

MammaMia

my car does have child locks- not sure if it does the front passenger seat? my first reaction to this strategy is very nervous about her reaction and her telling people that I'm "controlling and abusing her" by locking her in the car.  I'm leaning towards just letting her drive, and telling her that I'm doing this specifically because of her behavior.

[MammaMia]

Hopesky

Would it be wise to have her drive if she is raging?  

Maybe the best option is simply refusing to argue while in the vehicle.  Set a boundary that this is dangerous and unacceptable and stick to it.

Do not worry about what others think.  Focus on the safety of your family.