checking in at holiday time

[Go Fish]

hello,

This is always a hard time of year for us, and so it continues. You know how it is. It's hard to believe the mood swings and unacceptable behavior. I did well with enforcing boundaries on rages and insults, leaving the house, and he stopped! This took over a year. Now, he works on a lower level, misinterpreting things I say and making it sound worse than I meant; if I disagree with something, he insults my point of view; if I don't want to do the same thing,  he says I can go alone while he stays with the kids (who also don't want to share his extreme plans); jabs about my family, culture, low salary (yet steadily working, women are paid less in this country), etc. I am just always waiting for his next trip for work. What is the best way to respond to this kind of thing? I have kept calm, respond without jading, change the subject, but we have two kids, pre-teen and teen, and I'm still their main emotional balance and caretaker. I am reaching my limits and really don't have anyone to turn to about this. I know sometime in early January he'll return to a more balanced self.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eatonsangel]

going to sound silly now, how did you enforce boundries my has no respect at all it seems... .switches phones off, walks out, expects me to be up silly o clock when he wants to speak to me if not, carries on all next day like a child?

[Go Fish]

OK< glad to help. I have to admit, that at some level, my h does want things to get better, but it doesn't come naturally... .So I can't say this works for everyone, and it's not your fault if it doesn't. Some BPD behavior is really extreme, and all you can do is try and see if it works over time.

The advice I took was as soon as he starts, leading up to raging, before it starts if you can, but as soon as it starts, EXIT STAGE LEFT. Tell him you'll be back so you don't trigger abandonment, but let him know you don't tolerate it. Go outside, take a walk, at least to another room, but don't stay with him.

At night, if he wakes you up, sleep in another room. Tell him you have to get sleep for work, health, etc. And don't go on about it the next day.

This worked, but if he turns aggressive, then please don't keep pushing. I am not an advisor here. You have to protect yourself first. Also, make an exit plan, a friend you can stay with and a back-up plan if you have to leave quickly and stay away. I'm sorry. It's really hard to live with this. Hopefully it will get better. Also check on counselors in your area.

[Go Fish]

On the other hand... .If it seems he's responding to perceived abandonment, he seems to be wanting your attention, right? you might plan something you both enjoy, without too much pressure. Whatever that is, a walk, movie, dinner out. We were even able to have a couple of very nice people over, which broke up the tension a bit. He's usually better when other people are around. I'm just saying that only walking out, etc. isn't enough. When he's in a better frame, doing something together can help.