What do you do when the pain won't go away.

[love4meNOTu]

I've done everything I can think of to do.

Therapy, church, friends, parents... .talking talking talking

Everyone says "you've done the right thing getting out, he was going to get worse"

And then you find out that your ex husband is engaged, in love with another woman an "belongs" to her. When he said he "belonged" to you.

Am I trash just to be discarded?

I beg God every day, please just take this pain away. I thought you brought me this man, my answered prayer. And instead?

I'm demonized by him... he hates me... .because I stood up to him and told him to stop yelling at me and scaring the kids.

I'm done... I'm just so done with this struggle. Every day in pain, every day imagining him happy and going on about his wonderful life... while I'm told to "lose his number" and that I'm an awful person who deserves this pain, and that "Karma is a bit&h" isn't it?

Why. Why did this happen to me.

He was supposed to be my husband, my mate for life. But he's now someone else's.

I can't stop crying.

__________

[Ryyder]

I believe we feel such pain when we hand over our heart to another and ask them to take good care of it. We, as a society, through media, are programmed to think we get love from another person, when in fact the exact opposite is true. We will only feel whole when we give ourselves love and are then able to share it with another.

When we attempt to get love from a pwBPD we are expecting the impossible.

They only way we can heal is to learn we cannot get love from another. Love is what you give, when you have enough for yourself.

[Naddred369]

Love4menotu,

Im so sorry your in pain right now, I cried reading your post. Im in the same emotional mess as you are.

We are not trash, we are not, we are collateral damage to the BPD illnes but we are definately not trash.

Also, I dont beleive they are happy, not really happy, its just pretend.A front.Alie.

This greaving after a marriage/ or long R/S fails is NORMAL!

The pain is there, the anger, the hurt, the depression, the tears,the guilt... .ALL NORMAL.

Thats coz we are decent normal feeling human beings.

Oue exBPD partners arnt NORMAL, so they find another immediatly and carry on as though nothing happend.

NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.

They arnt happy. Not a bit of it. They will ruin the next R/S as surely as they ruined ours.

Please stay strong. It has to get better with time.  

STAY STRONG!

[Nearlybroken]

I really feel your pain.I poured my heart and soul into my relationship with my ex and we began to fall apart when I stood up to him.Only last night he was sending nasty texts telling me of his new partner." She is lovely, but then you all are at the start".When I first met him I felt blessed to have him in my life but now... .I feel like he has cursed me with a pain that will never go away.I remain constantly upset and in tears whilst he just disgards me in a cruel manner, laughs at my distress and walks away getting on with his life.He is telling me how happy he is, how happy she makes him.Like you, my ex tells me to "just get rid of my number" and "go away".Whenever I tried to communicate my feelings the best I can expect to receive is silence... .the worst anger and rage.Last night he told me that he would let me know if it worked out with her.It kills me to think of him happy whilst I am isolated and in pain.Like you I have tried everything... .talking  to people etc and it's awful when the love is still there but people tell you just to get rid and things would only get worse.Which is probably good advice.But it's hard to take good advice when you are in pain and so so sad.How you feel is normal because you are normal.he is not.My priest said to me that "being on your knees is the best position to look up and see the sun shining down on you".I am sending you a hug and willing you to stay as strong as you can through this awful nightmare.I can't offer much in the way of advice to you as I am a mess but I can say that I know what you are going through.My ex also told me that I deserved the pain and upset I feel.These people are heartless.NB.x

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

It has not been an easy six months since J. left.

I don't mind using his name now, it's pretty generic anyway.

I reached out to him a couple of weeks ago and was told that he was in love and belonged to another. We've been divorced for two months.

I've been struggling because I now know that my husband never loved me. I bought the things he said to me hook, line and sinker.

I let him into my home, my heart and my family. Before John, I had never introduced anyone to my children. I was single for eight years after my previous divorce.

What began as a dream, ended in a nightmare. He once screamed and yelled at me for 13 hours. At the end I was broken, repeating the things he had said I was... .a wh0re, a c&nt, etc... .full blown panic attack.

He broke me. And he enjoyed it, and had no empathy for me whatsoever.

I have been accused of not being "wifely" enough. Of not "minding" him, or respecting his feelings. All I did was work hard, be the provider and have a huge project at work. So therefore, I could not give him the attention he needed so desperately.

For this I am cursed at in front of my children, accused, yelled at and made to defend myself while being pushed down on a bed in a towel. He never laid a hand on me, but he terrified me beyond reason.

These are the things I need to remember when I get like this... when the pain of my own core traumas overwhelms me and makes me think there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I was ready to take a bottle of pills a month or two ago, and just end it. I still struggle with this feeling of wanting the pain to go away, every day.

[love4meNOTu]

He wins. uBPxh wins.

That's what has happened here.

[DownandOut]

I feel your pain. I thought mu uBPDexgf was my angel sent from above, but it was the exact opposite. I am not very religious, but I do believe that things that happen to us happen for a purpose and if you could possibly see the good in this situation, it might help the healing. I know it's hard, I struggle evry day too, but I try to look at iit that way. Was this a curse or a blessing? If you have faith, you MUST look at it as a blessing. I try to. It's hard.

[Naddred369]

He  doesent win. Hes stuck in his twisted mind every single day. He will wreck everything over and over and over again.

Give yourself time to heal and you will Know your winning.

Please, forget the pills.

Be strong, day by day you will get stronger.

[Meli04]

Do not ever give in to the pain this man has caused you. The pain makes you wish you were dead, I know, but you will come out of it even though you can not imagine right now, that you will ever be normal again. The pain, in the end, makes you stronger and more cautious as you move forward with your life in the sense that you are not as trusting or open to invite new people into your life. This is a good thing.

I had a HORRIBLE go of it... .getting through the loss of my marriage, my husband, my best friend (or so I thought). One day, I woke up and realized I had been on the couch for 6 days with no recollection of the days before - only messages from family and friends. I lost my job for not showing up, I was in a catatonic state and completely done. I have never felt pain like that before and God willing, I hope to never experience it again.

Be kind to yourself. Focus your time on being a mother to your children, force yourself to do things. You need to realize that this "new" relationship he is in will go down in flames the same way that yours did. Why is this? Because they are sick people with a disease that can not be cured and his mask will eventually slip off - it's inevitable. They do not change. They CAN NOT change. Sure behavioral therapy SUGGESTS that they can make advances with BPD people that are willing to get help, but even then, it takes years and years of therapy, finding the right drug cocktails, and in the end, these people still live with it day in and day out. There is no cure. Whether or not he has 5 or 15 more relationships, they WILL fail if he is dealing with any type of individual that has any self worth. You are not the first and you definitely won't be the last failed relationship in his life. They are empty emotionally and live off the emotions of others.

Take care of yourself. Blessings. You will get through this!

[heartandwhole]

love4menotu,

I'm so sorry, I can feel the despair in your posts.  Your feelings are so understandable, and this is really difficult to go through.   

So many of us have been in similar situations, and we care.  Please keep posting, and know that these feelings will pass.  In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.  You are doing the best you can, like all of us. 

[Waifed]

Love4

You are not trash.  The reason that your ex pursued you in the first place is because he looked into your eyes and saw a person that was unselfish and caring.  You are a good person.  Unfortunately, people with personality disorders take advantage of people like us because of our caretaker mentality.  We enable them to rape us of our soul so that they can use it.  Be strong.  We are all in this together. It will pass.  Popping a Xanex also helps sometimes

[charred]

My longest rage session from my pwBPD was 7 hrs... .which I thought was insanely long... been in T and had EMDR treatment for PTSD from it all. You might want to try that... .it did help a lot. At first she was on my mind all the time and I was dying inside... .but mindfulness helped me to quit ruminating and stressing over her, and learning what she was really like... disordered, consumate liar, stuck at the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .really accepting that was how she is... .helped me to start accepting myself. A lot of what happens when we are with a pwBPD... .is that we react to them like they were a parent. They shower us with what seems like unconditional love at the beginning, and if we didn't have a secure attachment with our parents... we crave that more than anything. Before long we put the pwBPD up on a pedestal and react to them like the parent we never had... then when they stop acting nice and turn in to haters... we react like a kid with an abusive parent... we internalize it, we believe what they said is true about us... .no matter how impossible (as we are not rationally accepting it... .we are emotionally doing it)... and if they dump us or we breakup... .it is a deep depression like losing a parent or worse.

However what they say is not true... truth is not their friend, it is yours. You had to ignore  , and accept irrational arguments... .and you were beat down over and over. That is an abusive relationship... and it takes time to get past it. First thing is stress/ruminating... and finding support. You need someone to talk you down before you do something stupid. See a T, try mindfulness and get your stress level down, it helps greatly. Then you can grieve the loss (as it is like losing a parent)... and you can find yourself again and in a few months you will start thinking out a bit (instead of just getting through right now.)

Its been 18 months and I am getting my motivation back, have mended fences with my exwife and daughter (ex is ex... due to pwBPD)... and things are getting better. Have dated other people and no longer care or check on my exBPDgf... I quit making excuses for her and accepted her for what she showed me she was... a grownup with a mean immature hateful sociopath inside.  She is toxic, not someone I have to have in my life... .in fact she has to be out of it. The guy you describe... .sounds just like her.

You sound like a hurt, caring person... .you will recover.

[love4meNOTu]

I wanted to write and thank you all for helping me today.

It was a rough day. Worse than most.

There are times when I question my sanity, and today was one of them. When I think about how happy J. would be to know how low I was (suicidal in fact) and how he would probably jump for joy to know how much he has hurt me... .it makes me sick.

The one thing I have NEVER understood is why people get pleasure from hurting others. I have even talked to J. about this fact many, many times. So he knows... .has zero empathy. For what he put me and my boys through. I have got to come to terms with the fact that the man I married did not exist. He never loved me, he cannot love in the way that normal people did and do. Normal people don't get divorced from someone they supposedly "loved" one day and get engaged to another woman the next. For god's sake, I haven't even been on a date, I've been working hard in therapy, trying to overcome the end of my marriage and what happened to me.

The pluses are... .

I have enrolled in school, something my x did not support at all. (God forbid I better myself and leave him for another student).

I have looked deep inside myself, and am working through my self esteem issues every day. I was a prime target for him when he came into my life.

I've lost 30 pounds due to this lovely ulcer I've obtained, and am skinnier than I was in high school.

I've been promoted at work, which means I have the financial security I need to maintain my household permanently, on my own.

I bought myself a new sports car on Friday, traded in my "mom" vehicle, got an awesome deal and a sweet ride. Errands are now fun.

I've joined a wonderful church, am socializing with people outside of work (something I was not permitted to do while married to J.) and have reconnected with the friends that J. did not approve of. They have been here for me every moment of the day. My best friend's husband even lets me call him any time day or night, and every time I apologize for taking up his time he says to me ":)on't you realize you are a blessing in our lives too?".

My kids are happy, we are closer than we ever were. They are angry with J. because of the things he did to me / us before he left my home, but they also believe that he is mentally disordered. My oldest son who was close to J. actually said the other day that he felt J. was immature, and did not love any of us. It surprised the heck out of me. I've never said a word to them about my suspicions that J. has a personality disorder.

But they know he was not normal, not in any way, shape, or form.

They knew more than I did, what I ignored because I loved him.

I'm taking anti depressants, and I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I've accepted a coffee date with a gentleman, but I will take it slow. I will not hurt this person because I am hurting. I am not like J.

Thank god for you all... .

love4

__________

[santa]

It's a difficult thing. It takes discipline to get through it. Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, make yourself stop. If you do think about him, replace what you're thinking of with a thought of something bad about him. Eventually, you will find yourself thinking of him less and less. You have to train yourself to not care about him. If he did enough bad things to you, it won't be as difficult as you think.

Also, just remember that there is absolutely nothing you could have done to make things different. The relationship was going to implode at some point no matter what. You can't make any sense of it because it doesn't make sense. They don't make sense. Just recognize that it is hopeless to have a relationship with this person. No one else can do it any better either. It's just the way these BPD people are. You can't win no matter what you do, so stop wasting your life trying.

[maxen]

love4me, i'm so sorry about your grief. many of us on this board, including me, have been exactly where you are and we know how horrible the pain is. remember as you go through your day that we're here.

My best friend's husband even lets me call him any time day or night, and every time I apologize for taking up his time he says to me ":)on't you realize you are a blessing in our lives too?"

that's the most wonderful thing a person can hear, ever. when my BPDstbxw ran away (making it clear that what she had started behind my back was well advanced, and has since pointed out to me is "not a fling" and she's "happy with it" i reached out to my two closest friends. i had no idea how close they were. those friends have taken me in for a total of about a month since then and when i arrived they thanked me for reaching out to them. they thanked me for moving into their place. i'm tearing up now recalling it. you really are blessed to have those people, love4me.

[Octoberfest]

When I first went to therapy and told my T about my experience with my BPDex the first thing she told me was, "You might think I'm crazy, and you may not believe me, but this is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you."

I did think she was crazy.  I didn't believe her.  Now, 4 months later? I believe her more and more.  I wouldn't say I am grateful for what happened, or glad it happened.  But I see the value in it.  You are asking God, "Why me?". Your experience was not divine punishment.  If anything it was a test... .one that you passed, because you are here now.  You walked through the gates of hell... .and have emerged on the other side, battered, bruised, and beaten.  But you made it, and you are still moving forward.  We have all faced great adversity.  For many of us, myself included, it has rocked us to our core. But you never really know what you are made of and what you can endure until you are tested.  

We each make an amazing personal journey when we are involved with a pwBPD.  They became our partners for a reason.  And you are here now on the Leaving board because you are ready to move forward with your life, and because you know that you deserve better (even if you might not believe that every single day yet).

You can do this.  You HAVE done this.  You have conquered the hardest part; being in the relationship.  Now all that is left is the healing... .a very intimate, scary, and sometimes shameful experience, because we are forced to really take a hard look at ourselves.  But it is more rewarding than a relationship with a pwBPD who has abused you ever could be.

[santa]

When I first went to therapy and told my T about my experience with my BPDex the first thing she told me was, "You might think I'm crazy, and you may not believe me, but this is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you."

I did think she was crazy.  I didn't believe her.  Now, 4 months later? I believe her more and more.  I wouldn't say I am grateful for what happened, or glad it happened.  But I see the value in it.  You are asking God, "Why me?". Your experience was not divine punishment.  If anything it was a test... .one that you passed, because you are here now.  You walked through the gates of hell... .and have emerged on the other side, battered, bruised, and beaten.  But you made it, and you are still moving forward.  We have all faced great adversity.  For many of us, myself included, it has rocked us to our core. But you never really know what you are made of and what you can endure until you are tested. 

We each make an amazing personal journey when we are involved with a pwBPD.  They became our partners for a reason.  And you are here now on the Leaving board because you are ready to move forward with your life, and because you know that you deserve better (even if you might not believe that every single day yet).

You can do this.  You HAVE done this.  You have conquered the hardest part; being in the relationship.  Now all that is left is the healing... .a very intimate, scary, and sometimes shameful experience, because we are forced to really take a hard look at ourselves.  But it is more rewarding than a relationship with a pwBPD who has abused you could ever be.

AMEN!

I'm at about 4 months too. Once the initial disappointment of the breakup goes away and you think about what all happened, it is a major accomplishment to have survived it and came away from it intact. Those people are like tornadoes. Once you really put it into perspective, it is absolutely a blessing to be away from them... .and you are definitely stronger than ever after going through something like that.

[RecycledNoMore]

J. is a fu**** up disorder on legs.

L. IS an amazing mum with beautiful kids who is working extremely hard to give her kids and herself a BETTER life free of abuse.

L. will grow and learn from her past and become a stronger better person.

J. who cares what J. does, hes not worth the effort.

Your amazing, huggs  

[love4meNOTu]

AMEN!

I'm at about 4 months too. Once the initial disappointment of the breakup goes away and you think about what all happened, it is a major accomplishment to have survived it and came away from it intact. Those people are like tornadoes. Once you really put it into perspective, it is absolutely a blessing to be away from them... .and you are definitely stronger than ever after going through something like that.

Santa - when J and I were first dating, I would ask him to slow down and that he was like a tornado. He even sent me cartoon pics of tornadoes via email... .ha ha.

Truth is he was busting my boundaries even then. I remember asking him to go slow with me in the beginning, and he was all over me. Our first sexual encounter I was not ready for, but he would not listen. I was tugging at his hair saying J... wo... .slow down... .but he "wanted" me so much... .flattering, right? When I look back at that experience now I remember feeling a little bit scared.

This is the truth of the matter. I ignored the signs... .and this is what I have to work on now. I will not make the same mistakes again.

Octoberfest - I have printed out your post. I am beginning to see things more clearly. I'm a bit ashamed of my outbursts of grief yesterday, but I feel something shifting inside me. Have therapy tonight, and I will read her my posts here. She's becoming frustrated with me, says I am stuck in idealizing the way J was at the beginning, but that is not who he truly was. He's disordered.

Would I have known he had BPD before I left I probably would have stayed and tried to help him. And perhaps prolonged my pain. I was so confused by his off the wall behaviour I was in a major tailspin, didn't know which end was up... .denial denial... .smack... .he screams at me in front of the kids again... .denial over.

Lots to think about today.

[love4meNOTu]

This was sent to me yesterday, original post by nytepassion... on another web site I belong to. I think it could help.

Are you wondering when the pain stops?

________________________

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

[Learning_curve74]

L, it sounds like you have a LOT of great things happening in your life now. And you have a LOT of people who LOVE you like your friends, folks at church, and your kids. You are capable of loving, you deserve it, and you will learn to love yourself. When you learn to love yourself too, then the hurt will start to heal.