Just telling my story

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm new here and have decided to share my story.  My friendship with my uBPD friend is difficult to explain as it's been a roller coaster ride and at times I have difficulty understanding it myself. In sharing in this community I'm hoping to return to healthier relationships and have peace in my heart. I haven't decided whether that will include my uBPD friend or not.  That seems to be a daily decision at this point.

I'm married and have children.  I met my male BPD friend two years ago at work.  Initially I was very cautious with him because I sensed that he had boundary issues.  I told him immediately that I was married.  We continued to be pleasant coworkers to one another, until I lost a close family member. 

When I lost my relative, my BPD coworker went out of his way to be supportive.  He was probably more supportive than any friend or family member. Immediately, I felt very guilty for being just cordial with him prior to this crisis.  I knew I had "judged" him previously so I decided to let him in my life.

Once I "opened the door" he immediately inundated me with attention. I loved talking, sharing, txting, emailing, and sharing with him.  We really had/have a lot in common.  Soon, I started to have "feelings" for him.  I shared this with him and I told him that we could never cross into more than friends.  If we did cross into more than friends, then the friendship would have to end, immediately.  I decided to set some rules to keep things clear.  However, he broke ALL the rules and continued to shower me with attention, kindness, thoughtfulness, and friendship.  I will say he never got "physically" close with me but if I had to rate our emotional closeness from a scale of 1 to 10, I would say it was a 20.

During the first few months of this emotional affair I always knew it was wrong morally.  I started to tell him we couldn't "do this" anymore.  He became very upset.  He's never mean or violet upset like, but he'd express how much he needed me and insisted we could make this right.  He begged that I would stay his friend forever.  He would cry.  He would tell me how empty his life would be without him.  How he'd rather die than be without me... .Basically, I allowed him to manipulate me into staying. 

Fast forward 12 months.  I've tried "breaking-up" with him probably 24 plus times over the past year.  It always ends the same.  I always say yes to him. Now we've actually grown closer both emotionally and spiritually because of all the ups/downs and the amount of time we've had to share and develop our friendship. We love each other.  I know that is wrong because we are both married.

He is my best friend, but I know we are not healthy. He often will do the push/pull thing.  I have general anxiety disorder so for a long time the push/pull would trigger major anxiety in me.  However, now I understand or know what's happening when he does this now so it's not as painful.  Basically, I don't take it personally anymore.

He can be narcisstic at times, and has told me he is OCD.  I see how his OCD interferes with his personal and work life and how difficult it would be to live with that.  He makes demands on our friendship and the amount of time I can give him.  Initially I thought he was ridiculous, but with time I'm finding I'm just as dependent on him as he is me.  It's like I'm addicted to him. How did I get to this place? 

My thoughts are probably not well organized in this post.  There is just so much to say and it's all so confusing to me at times.  Basically, I have the impossible relationship.  This sums it up for me currently: "Your my friend and I love you. I can be close to you when it's comfortable for me. Please be my best friend forever; be there for me night and day; be there for me no matter what; but we can never be too close because that's impossible as we are both married."

Thanks for listening BPD family.  My goal is to find peace in my life with my uBPD friend.

[sharlock]

Hi, I'm new here and have decided to share my story.  My friendship with my uBPD friend is difficult to explain as it's been a roller coaster ride and at times I have difficulty understanding it myself. In sharing in this community I'm hoping to return to healthier relationships and have peace in my heart. I haven't decided whether that will include my uBPD friend or not.  That seems to be a daily decision at this point.

I'm married and have children.  I met my male BPD friend two years ago at work.  Initially I was very cautious with him because I sensed that he had boundary issues.  I told him immediately that I was married.  We continued to be pleasant coworkers to one another, until I lost a close family member. 

When I lost my relative, my BPD coworker went out of his way to be supportive.  He was probably more supportive than any friend or family member. Immediately, I felt very guilty for being just cordial with him prior to this crisis.  I knew I had "judged" him previously so I decided to let him in my life.

Once I "opened the door" he immediately inundated me with attention. I loved talking, sharing, txting, emailing, and sharing with him.  We really had/have a lot in common.  Soon, I started to have "feelings" for him.  I shared this with him and I told him that we could never cross into more than friends.  If we did cross into more than friends, then the friendship would have to end, immediately.  I decided to set some rules to keep things clear.  However, he broke ALL the rules and continued to shower me with attention, kindness, thoughtfulness, and friendship.  I will say he never got "physically" close with me but if I had to rate our emotional closeness from a scale of 1 to 10, I would say it was a 20.

During the first few months of this emotional affair I always knew it was wrong morally.  I started to tell him we couldn't "do this" anymore.  He became very upset.  He's never mean or violet upset like, but he'd express how much he needed me and insisted we could make this right.  He begged that I would stay his friend forever.  He would cry.  He would tell me how empty his life would be without him.  How he'd rather die than be without me... .Basically, I allowed him to manipulate me into staying. 

Fast forward 12 months.  I've tried "breaking-up" with him probably 24 plus times over the past year.  It always ends the same.  I always say yes to him. Now we've actually grown closer both emotionally and spiritually because of all the ups/downs and the amount of time we've had to share and develop our friendship. We love each other.  I know that is wrong because we are both married.

He is my best friend, but I know we are not healthy. He often will do the push/pull thing.  I have general anxiety disorder so for a long time the push/pull would trigger major anxiety in me.  However, now I understand or know what's happening when he does this now so it's not as painful.  Basically, I don't take it personally anymore.

He can be narcisstic at times, and has told me he is OCD.  I see how his OCD interferes with his personal and work life and how difficult it would be to live with that.  He makes demands on our friendship and the amount of time I can give him.  Initially I thought he was ridiculous, but with time I'm finding I'm just as dependent on him as he is me.  It's like I'm addicted to him. How did I get to this place? 

My thoughts are probably not well organized in this post.  There is just so much to say and it's all so confusing to me at times.  Basically, I have the impossible relationship.  This sums it up for me currently: "Your my friend and I love you. I can be close to you when it's comfortable for me. Please be my best friend forever; be there for me night and day; be there for me no matter what; but we can never be too close because that's impossible as we are both married."

Thanks for listening BPD family.  My goal is to find peace in my life with my uBPD friend.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

That is a complex situation, sharlock. Do you still love your husband or has this friend taken his place in your heart? To me that seems the key issue. Was something missing from your marriage to begin with? Perhaps you should try to improve your relationship with your husband and if that proves unattainable, consider ending the marriage. I would try not to get involved with any third parties in the meantime. You know how illusory any "support" that you get from the other person can be, especially if they are also attached. Once you step outside of the marriage (or get tossed out, if your spouse discovers the emotional affair), that person may well vanish into thin air, as though it never happened.

[sharlock]

Yes I love my husband very much, but we're more like brother-n-sister than husband and wife.  We've had emotional intimacy problems for many years now.  I've tried talking to him about it and even suggested marriage counseling.  He refuses.  I'm in counseling for this... .  The counselor has suggested I leave but not for another man, especially my BPD friend.  I agree with her.  I know I am afraid to leave my BPD friend.  Possible retaliation? Loss of friendship? Loss of a lot of unhealthy stuff? I need to start thinking with my head and not my heart.  That's why detachment needs to begin and I'll seek out any support I can. I obviously, I can't tell many people about my situation.  I know a lot of people will judge me for what I've involved myself with, but I'm hoping to get support from my counselor and people on this forum. I know I can't be alone in this type of situation.

I think you make a good point.  My BPD friend would run if my husband knew how close I was to another man and confronted me/him. My BPD friend is cowardly and NEVER takes responsibility in his personal or work life. 

I should have posted in "staying or leaving your borderline relationship."

[SweetCharlotte]

I should have posted in "staying or leaving your borderline relationship."

You have posted on the Staying Board.

There are three choices in terms of relationship with a pwBPD Boards:

1. Staying

2. Leaving

3. Undecided.

Perhaps the "Undecided" Board would in fact yield the best results for you.

Hope this helps.