Holiday Crazy

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So if you rage at someone, make wild accusations, write abusive emails, and generally let them know exactly how awful they are, why would you want to spend Christmas Eve with them? I just don't get it. I mean I do "get it" ... the illusion of the perfect family holiday is necessary to my uBPD mother, but her hurt, shock and surprise that I don't want to go is part of what makes this condition so difficult. If I'm so awful, why do you want me?  It doesn't make sense.  I want to enjoy Christmas Eve with my husband and children and not play pretend in her living room with giant elephants that we can never discuss or resolve. 

My mother has been on excellent behavior for 3 months, but I knew it was a campaign leading up to this event.  It makes me so sad that she can control her behavior and be exactly the mother she knows I need, but only if she gets what she wants in the end. It is manipulative, not motherly.  I feel sorry for her because I'm beginning to have a better understanding of her illness and how confusing it must be for her, but it is a toxic situation for me and my family. 

[hopesprings]

So if you rage at someone, make wild accusations, write abusive emails, and generally let them know exactly how awful they are, why would you want to spend Christmas Eve with them? I just don't get it. I mean I do "get it" ... the illusion of the perfect family holiday is necessary to my uBPD mother, but her hurt, shock and surprise that I don't want to go is part of what makes this condition so difficult. If I'm so awful, why do you want me?  It doesn't make sense.  I want to enjoy Christmas Eve with my husband and children and not play pretend in her living room with giant elephants that we can never discuss or resolve. 

My mother has been on excellent behavior for 3 months, but I knew it was a campaign leading up to this event.  It makes me so sad that she can control her behavior and be exactly the mother she knows I need, but only if she gets what she wants in the end. It is manipulative, not motherly.  I feel sorry for her because I'm beginning to have a better understanding of her illness and how confusing it must be for her, but it is a toxic situation for me and my family. 

[Contradancer]

This is familiar territory! I prefer to spend holidays with friends than family.  My family is rude/abusive and think there's something wrong with me if I don't gleefully allow myself to be abused.

Of course it's about the appearance of perfection.  Any thing else smacks of imperfection in the fragile psyche of the BPD, putting further into internal pain and turmoil.

Do what you need to do, diplomatically, to enjoy the holidays.

Best wishes.

[Sitara]

With my mom, I think some of the berating was her way to control events and control my behavior.  She had this idea of the perfect holiday in her mind, and she was going to try and force it to happen that way.  If things didn't go according to her plan, she would lay on the passive-aggressiveness thick.

We eventually stopped going to holiday family events with a range of excuses from reasonable (we already have plans with husbands family) to bluntly honest (I just don't think we'd enjoy ourselves).  She'd work around already having plans by planning things on a different day so we no longer had an excuse, and being honest just ended up with the silent treatment and an awkward visit from my enabling dad to drop off presents.

It is so frustrating when you know they're "being good" just to get something out of you.  It makes me sad too, to know how unhappy and frustrating her life must feel.  But at some point you have to take care of yourself and your family and do what will make them happiest and healthiest.

[GeekyGirl]

It's understandable that you'd want to spend Christmas with your husband and children without any drama. Sitara is right--it can be so frustrating when you feel like someone is trying to manipulate you. At the same time, it's also normal to have empathy for your mother, because she is probably very unhappy.

How have you left things with your mother?