BPD Crazy Train

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am sitting here laughing.

It's not really funny per se but hard not to laugh when you think about it.

I keep remembering how my ex broke up with me, telling me how she loved me and we would be best friends but we were "different people and too different" and should see others.

Yeah I was already replaced, .

I just laugh at how a week later I am a vindictive and vicious bit_&. She changes all contact info. But before that tells me she could never trust me again because I broadcast her "life story" to everyone.

The funny thing is I actually warned the person who is dating her... .way before she dated her. I was honest about my situation and how my ex recycled exes. However this new girl, who WAS my friend (what a snake) is now so paranoid she will get dumped for someone (and she will, my ex cannot control her patterns) it has severely pissed off my ex.

Good.

Is it bad to feel this way? Well at first I felt bad for "betraying" her but this was after she spit in my face, pulled my hair and ran off to an ex for a month. I confided in people I was closest to and was trying to make sense of something that would never make sense.

I am sure my ex is pissed because the "gig is up". She is incapable of love and will continue this pattern til she dies. She will never get help.

The best thing she ever said was that I needed to see a therapist.

She was right. Boy has that given me some clarity. That is probably the only thing I could thank her for... .that and now knowing that something like BPD exists... .so I can avoid this at all costs in the future!

[Pretty Woman]

I am sitting here laughing.

It's not really funny per se but hard not to laugh when you think about it.

I keep remembering how my ex broke up with me, telling me how she loved me and we would be best friends but we were "different people and too different" and should see others.

Yeah I was already replaced, .

I just laugh at how a week later I am a vindictive and vicious bit_&. She changes all contact info. But before that tells me she could never trust me again because I broadcast her "life story" to everyone.

The funny thing is I actually warned the person who is dating her... .way before she dated her. I was honest about my situation and how my ex recycled exes. However this new girl, who WAS my friend (what a snake) is now so paranoid she will get dumped for someone (and she will, my ex cannot control her patterns) it has severely pissed off my ex.

Good.

Is it bad to feel this way? Well at first I felt bad for "betraying" her but this was after she spit in my face, pulled my hair and ran off to an ex for a month. I confided in people I was closest to and was trying to make sense of something that would never make sense.

I am sure my ex is pissed because the "gig is up". She is incapable of love and will continue this pattern til she dies. She will never get help.

The best thing she ever said was that I needed to see a therapist.

She was right. Boy has that given me some clarity. That is probably the only thing I could thank her for... .that and now knowing that something like BPD exists... .so I can avoid this at all costs in the future!

[Turkish]

Hi EA,

Others have said this here, and it bears repeating (for me as well), but would you put up with even just a friend treating you in this manner, the emotional, verbal and physical abuse? Hell no! Right? Not all, but most do "bad things" and they should be seen as that, as hard as it is to remove ourselves and look at it objectively given our intimate relationship.

[maxen]

The funny thing is I actually warned the person who is dating her... .way before she dated her. I was honest about my situation and how my ex recycled exes. However this new girl, who WAS my friend (what a snake) is now so paranoid she will get dumped for someone (and she will, my ex cannot control her patterns) it has severely pissed off my ex.

Good.

i had the chance to do this, and didn't take it.

i've been damning myself about it ever since.

[Waifed]

Hi EA,

Others have said this here, and it bears repeating (for me as well), but would you put up with even just a friend treating you in this manner, the emotional, verbal and physical abuse? Hell no! Right? Not all, but most do "bad things" and they should be seen as that, as hard as it is to remove ourselves and look at it objectively given our intimate relationship.

Turkish

You are obviously a very nice, kind, patient guy.  I can not wait until you finally get pissed off!  

[Waifed]

The funny thing is I actually warned the person who is dating her... .way before she dated her. I was honest about my situation and how my ex recycled exes. However this new girl, who WAS my friend (what a snake) is now so paranoid she will get dumped for someone (and she will, my ex cannot control her patterns) it has severely pissed off my ex.

Good.

i had the chance to do this, and didn't take it.

i've been damning myself about it ever since.

I was pretty awful when I ended our relationship.  I was pretty crazy myself.  I caught her cheating about a month before and was building up the strength to leave.  Right after I caught her I sent the IM evidence that I had to her last ex who she always talked so nicely about.  I also told him I was sorry if I broke up their relationship and that I was getting my payback.  I also sent pictures of (us) doing private things, to the guy she cheated with. I also belittled her character in the same email.  She didn't even flinch.  She said she didn't care about him.  After we broke up I sent emails out the the cheater about BPD.  That is what pissed her off.  That is when she called the cops on me.  It felt pretty good and I wish I had sent the BPD article to all of her friends (2 maybe).  She was absolutely terrified that I was going to tell her mother she was a cheater.  I regret the bad things that I said about her because there was no need for it but at the time I was pretty nuts!

[Learning_curve74]

Is it bad to feel this way? Well at first I felt bad for "betraying" her but this was after she spit in my face, pulled my hair and ran off to an ex for a month. I confided in people I was closest to and was trying to make sense of something that would never make sense.

I am sure my ex is pissed because the "gig is up". She is incapable of love and will continue this pattern til she dies. She will never get help.

The best thing she ever said was that I needed to see a therapist.

Some pwBPD have a need to be secretive about their personal life, I know my exBPDgf was like this sometimes. It helps maintain dysfunctional behaviors such as lying and cheating. Then when they are exposed, there can be rage, either rage outwardly against you as an imagined persecutor, or inwardly as depression, or perhaps in some cases even both flipping back and forth in their minds.

When another person's actions towards you are toxic, there are a number of different ways to deal with it. It sounds like you've found a couple different ways to process it emotionally, both through some anger and some laughter.

[Turkish]

She was absolutely terrified that I was going to tell her mother she was a cheater.  I regret the bad things that I said about her because there was no need for it but at the time I was pretty nuts!

Mine pulled the carpet out from under me when she told her family. Although I did all but force her to do so. Then she said she told some of her friends. I believe this, but she was such the sympathetic, unloved waif... .and she'd been sharing her unhappiness with a few of them for the past year, that she got mostly a pass from them, even the one whose husband cheated on her. (and I think there was another friend, too).

That is, however, only 75% of the truth. I have the truth stored on my phone. I have let on a little truth to two of her siblings that I can trust, but I don't engage in conversation with them. I have the truth filed in my email, and of course, I have lived, and am living it.

In the end, it makes little difference. I don;t want to trigger her anger by calling the cops on me for some reason, so I walk alone in this a bit, and tread lightly, while keeping some semblance of control. The truth will play out for all to see. She is so juvenile that she posts all sorts of things on FB, while I post 90% pictures of me doing activities with our kids, and keep the self-validating BS to myself, unlike her. I didn't block any of her family (just her) or her friends. Let the mature ones figure things out, and to heck with the others. If they want to contact me privately to fish for some reason, I am fully confident that I am smarter than any of them, more mature than most, and that my keyboard is mightier than their minds. let her keep posting pics of her partying (which she was before this all blew up... ., not all of the time, but sometimes). She will bury herself. I will focus 90% on the important thing: our children. The 10% I reserve for myself, and it's more than I have given to me in a long time.

[maxen]

turkish, you have a depth of forbearance i wish i had.

[Ironmanrises]

There are many times where I don't know whether to cry, laugh, scream or a mixture of all of these when I think about my exUBPDgf's chaotic behavior. When we get into a relationship with a pwBPD, we basically allow 2 different people into our protective walls. The original person(pre-trigger). And that other person(aft-trigger). Those 2 people come in the form of 1 person. So now we have to react to the actions of 2 people, in essence, when we allowed only 1 in. Crazy train would be an understatement.

[Turkish]

turkish, you have a depth of forbearance i wish i had.

I think everybody that knows me, including my T now, thinks that. I used to think I was something like Schizoid, detached, but that isn't it. I had a pretty drama-free life from 18-36 until I met her. This is just a repeat of the novelesque drama of my childhood. If I survived that, I can survive this. And I have it much easier than a lot of you here (no cops or substance abuse), so that also gives me a little more patience. It also might be that I am dreading the further drama of her moving out, where it might be worse for a little while before it gets better. And maybe the loneliness., I was alone for so many years, though I interacted with my friends a lot, that I need to wrap my head around it again. I'm not a love or relationship addict like her.

[damage control]

Turkish

Like yourself, I didn't and don't get angry ... he and I had no nasty words or arguments ... it was all very 'civilised' (he was shocked and appalled when I got drunk the night he dumped me and went on a date with my replacement just hours later ... how dare I?) and when he got angry, I still didn't.

I moved across the country, left everything behind and came over here to be replaced in less than 2 weeks - after 12 months of idealisation and love bombing.

We still live in the same sharehouse and I allowed him to hang out with me, watch films with me and I even fell asleep in his bed several times (where he slept naked and wrapped around me ... but no sex ... because he no longer 'desired me' ...

I swallowed it all because I didn't see the point in anger, I have always thought that people cannot help how they feel and there is little value in getting angry or upset about it.

However last weekend, after organising to cook a meal for me on Saturday night on the Wed before, I woke on the Saturday to find him gone to stay the weekend with my replacement ... .I didn't care about the meal, or the fact that he had 'made up' with the replacement ... but that ACTION, of disrespecting me (we were 'supposed' to be in some kind of friendship) was the last straw ... I texted him to leave me alone as I no longer wanted contact - I was and AM so angry about it ... it was my breaking point. A clear boundary that he crossed that has allowed me to see that perhaps he cannot help how he feels (although I now suspect that he buries emotions and kills them off in order to overlap into a more 'safe' relationship with someone new who will not have expectations of him) ... .so no helping or being in control of how he feels is one thing ... but being in control of how he acts and the decisions he makes is entirely different ... he made a cool, collected choice to leave and go to her even though he had 'plans' with me ... .that was my point of no return.

I hope you find yours

[DownandOut]

Something you said above reminded me about something that happened that I've never shared here because I thought it was too far-out for our wordly discussions. You said, "she will continue this pattern til she dies." After my b/u, a close female member of my family went to a world-renowned psychic in my city and he asked about me. He asked if I was in a r/s and she replied with a laugh and showed him a picture of my uBPDexgf. His exact words were "Beautiful, but no good. That girl will never be satisfied, by the time she's 40 she's going to have so many miles on her. She would have been his starter wife." Now, I know many people don't believe in that stuff and his analysis could have been generally-applied to anyone, but it makes SO MUCH sense with a pwBPD.

Note: I made an appointment with this same gentleman and my appointment was canceled due to his death. Strange - must have been her evil eyes that got him.     I'll take it as a sign that what he said was true and I didn't have to hear any more.

[damage control]

Liking that. The straw that broke the camels back. The last word that made all the others null. The final act that determines the outcome of the play.

The proverbial "event horizon". Pulled into the black hole. Poof... .all gone.

Captain, we have entered a new fascinating universe. Warp speed Scotty.

Coordinates unknown.

The Event Horizon!

I like that! :P

Oh yes ... .it was like hitting a wall with What the heck? spray-painted all over it ... .